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Greetings fellow brother,
I too have just read through your entire story. And to be honest I feel we can all relate to what you’re feeling if we’re in similar positions of our own. Though it’s different to some (as well as myself right now) in the broken down aspects it’s all the same. Something went wrong. Shit happened. Someone got hurt. While te other person made the person in misery even more miserable.
Brother… I’ve went through the similar stages of message overloading. But I’ve learned now that it just annoys the shit out of her and makes you us look needy and weak. My situation is a little different. She broke things off with me several weeks ago because she started talking to her ex again. But the matter of the fact is that once I learned to not message her, that’s when she came back. She became herself again and realised that het ex just isn’t the same as me. Since then we’ve spoken and moved forward. Although at the same time she’s been speaking to her ex. Right now she’s confused ad to what she wants but she doesn’t want to lose me. Until a few days ago I fucked it all up when I broke again and made myself seem needy. The moral of the story is that the honest best thing you can do is to make as many positive changed in your life as possible (just like you’ve been doing). I know you’re hurting but maybe cut back on the doom and overwatch and work on things that are going to make you a better person. I’m not sure if you exercise or anything, but maybe get yourself a gym membership and get in there and beef yourself up. Exercising releases endorphins which essentially make your body happy. What your goal to do is to make yourself as desirable as possible. Continue to ignore your ex until YOU truly feel that you are ready to work this out. Forget about all these other guys, fuck them honestly. She doesn’t share the same feelings with them as she does you. (this is an ideology that I’ve also put into my own head because both her and myself know That there’s no way her ex is even capable of making her feel as special as I made het feel, and for me as soon as she realises that she’s going to come back again. She’s going to see how well I’m going and how great I’m looking). Also maybe go out and spend a little money on yourself on some new clothing or something fashionable. You could even start reading books, increase your vocabulary and intellect. That’s what you need to do brother, man up and start doing stuff that’s going to make you look and feel amazing about yourself. Become that decisive, great looking, confident, well presented, intellectual, funny guy. The overall ultimate bachelor. When she messages you, you need to be ready to show her the world, get ready to make more of an effort and perhaps even you be the first to send her good morning texts, effectively making the first thing she does in the morning is smile and realise how luck she is. When you do eventually see each other again. You want her thinking “why the fuck did I ever leave this guy, he’s amazing.” Shape ourself into a better person brother. And use your time of this NC wisely, you want to blow her mind!
Also, whenever I’m hurting I find that reading a lot of soulmate writings are beneficial to making me realise how special my relationship was with my ex and how I will not give up on this so easily. Because you never know.. You may never have something so sacred with another person. It’s long, but read through this as your own pace.
Honestly, it could be anything….more than likely has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her frustrations over something, but guess what? You’re the easiest target so you get to have it when she gets mad. That’s not fair to you at all. In fact, it’s not cool for her to take those things out on you. You gotta stop blaming yourself, you’re making yourself feel worse when you do that. If she is getting mad, then don’t put up with it when you talk to her again. You can’t be her punching bag and I’ve found out that women will respect you more when you stand up to them. So, what she says she is and what she really is are two different things. I can tell you right now that I’m on top of the world and feel like a million dollars, but it doesn’t mean I am. In fact, I can go on facebook right now and say I’m dating this wonderful girl (my ex would never see it because she’s blocked on there) and it’s all lies. It’s just what your perception is of the situation but what it looks like and what it really is are more than likely different. Ensemble piano sounds really cool. I bet that will be a lot of fun. Anything you can do to distract yourself, the better. Honestly, at this point, I would keep the bear. I think that is your link to her and I know how much you love it. All hope isn’t lost when she hasn’t messaged you. Just try to stay occupied. If she wants to do that whole ignoring you for awhile thing, then let her be. She’s just going to probably make you feel worse if she were to talk to you. If you talk to her again and she gets pissed at you, I encourage you to do what you can to stand up to her. Tell her it’s not ok at all for her to be taking it out on you and until she can respect you to not even bother talking. Because enough is enough. It’s not fair to you. The reason I mentioned swimming is because it’s a good cardio exercise that helps your endorphins (feel good hormones)
Those are a lot of good points. I do have a gym membership and I was going a lot until the breakup, then I just didn’t want to go anymore. It’s hard to motivate myself to go and push myself when I feel so crappy, but I’m sure it’ll help if I keep going. The performance went well today, so that was nice. I’m also doing an online communications summer class for school, so that’s something at least.
It’s always been very hard to stand up to her because she’s very persuasive and very logical about things usually. I understand though, that her talking about these things to me is just made me feel bad and it’s not okay.
I guess I’ll just keep the bear for now. I really have no idea how she’d react to me sending it and I really do love it. She also did some really nice paintings for me and a large mural ink drawing of all kinds of my favorite things with the words “Bradley, You’re Awesome!” in the middle which are all on my wall. They’re all things I greatly treasure and they remind me of when things were really great and happy and she was still my best friend. I wish so much she would say something, but I suppose I’m not ready to talk things through yet and I need to get myself in a position to be ready. It’s easier said than done, but I guess it’s a process. It is such a heavy weight to carry every day, but I don’t really have a choice.
I suppose my perception isn’t everything. I have no idea if everything she says is completely true. I have no idea how she’s really doing. I know she’s very busy and has been stressed with honors art school as well as working twice as hard at her job and doing graphic design commissions, so it’s not like she’s just taking things easy. Every time I try to think of what she might be thinking or doing, I just get that sickening feeling again, so maybe I should just stop.
I hope she talks to me again. It’s only been two weeks, but it does feel like there’s no hope anymore. I suppose things can change very quickly, like Stefanos said. I need to hold myself together and keep myself busy.
I read the link about soul mates. I don’t know how much I believe in that sort of thing, but a lot of those felt true and we used to have a lot of what we’d call “mind links” where we seem to know what the other person is doing or immediately pick up the phone to check right before the other calls or texts. A lot of times when my phone vibrated and I was busy doing something, I would think “I think it’s her.” or “I think it’s not her.” depending on just, how it felt, and like 90% of the time I was right. Kind of weird, but again, I dunno how much of that I believe. I mostly just believe that if two people love each other enough, they can overcome anything, but of course if one person drops out, things get complicated like they have here.
I do have a lot of books I haven’t yet read. If I can get myself to focus on not feeling so miserable and being so depressed, then I should read some.
How long will I be doing this? Getting myself together, working on becoming awesome and such before we talk again? I know it’s a permanent thing. You don’t just become awesome temporarily or anything, but I mean how long of no contact like this? What if she never messages me? Like what if it would take a year or two for her to talk to me again? I guess it’s only been two weeks now since she got upset with me and she might talk again before then, but with how messed up everything seems to be, it has me very worried. Is there a point at which I should try talking to her if she hasn’t said anything?
Hey mate,
Again I feel like you’re just a little upset right now. I know a similar feeling to you as I’m going through a similar thing myself. But you need to told it all together. It’s said that on average it takes about 1 1/2 years to get over a marriage divorce. And that’s a full blown marriage break up. I know it’s hard.. But she will message you again. So dont keep thinking that. And whenever you do.. Just remember that she was with you for so long, she’s used to you. Even if she did try to move on with someone else at this point in time, It would be beyond hard for her because of how used to you she’s gotten. She’ll realise it’s not you and she’ll feel she’s messed up. Stick with NC. I didn’t want to use NC myself because of how hard it is to do such a task. But it really does work… Somehow. Also I remember you saying that she doesn’t feel like you put in enough effort. But what if.. You became the guy that puts in the effort and makes her feel special. I mean she’s already familiar with you so you’ve got an advantage. If you can prove that you’re just as worthy or even better than anyone else, no matter what she’ll always be around. Anyways.. Think about it.
And I think staying in NC would be the best option. Just for now or until she messages you again. If she doesn’t message anytime soon, then wait it out until you’re ready. If you really still feel the same way about her after your time apart. When you’ve remade yourself.. Maybe sending her a hand written letter would be the way to go. Something personal and sentimental like that.. How long have you been in NC straight for now?
One month that she requested that was broken up a few times because I had written her some letters during (And she doesn’t like letters from me now because of it), Then one month of straight no contact, and now two weeks since she told me to “stay out of my life.”
Well, ordered more like. At the time I didn’t know NC was a thing that people did after break ups. And she was really upset with me and just said “Don’t talk to me for a month.” the first time after I had a break down on the phone with her.
That’s really quite cruel man… Who would have thought a person was capable of being so heartless and remorseless to another person who’s only trying to love them. It makes me sick. Honestly man I don’t know what else to say… Just stay in NC and continue doing things to move past this. If she does message sometime in the next few weeks then she’s shown interest. You need to take it slow. Worst case scenario, you can wait it out until it’s not such a heart wrenching feeling anymore. Then you could briefly contact her saying that you hope she’s well and you’re doing well yourself. That you would like closure, as it’s a vital thing to do after a break up. Not knowing the truth behind what or why something happened can be damaging and destroying and can even lead to physically illnesses.
I understand, man….it’s hard to be motivated to do the gym when you feel so bad….believe me, I’ve been there before. I just recently started about a week ago at a gym just to have more things to do so I’m not sitting at home thinking about her. I just happened to see my ex at a bbq here in town….of course I was with a friend of mine’s sister and I could see my ex staring at me off and on in the background as I laughed and smiled. I never once looked directly at her, just through my side vision. I’ve decided to show her I’m moving on or have moved on. I can’t keep doing this anymore. As far as you go, you follow your heart. Only you can decide what you feel you need to do, but yes, definitely keep the bear. No reason to send it back now. As far as her being persuasive and logical, that gets thrown out the window when she treats you bad.
It is a huge process to go through. I’m glad you have paintings and such to keep the memories alive for you. I think with her school and work, it keeps her so busy, she probably doesn’t have time for anything else. I’m sure if she wasn’t so busy, she would be sitting at home, not doing anything. It keeps her mind occupied but it also probably inflates her ego to where she feels like she can just keep staying busy and all will be fine. Try as hard as you can not to sit there and think of her, you will drive yourself sick, like you have. I myself am a hopeless romantic, so I believe in soul mates but I also believe in intuition. Kind of how someone could be walking along and then get a sudden sharp pain in their side and wonder where it came from and then to find out their spouse was in some kind of accident. They just felt it because they were linked. So, you probably have the same with her.
I will be as honest as I can. I wouldn’t try to contact her until you are fully feeling good about yourself and to the point that you KNOW that if she does say something bad for you to shooting a “hope you’re doing well” txt message, that you can stand up to her. I absolutely would not contact her until you are doing much better. I know you really really want to talk to her but it’s not going to do you any good at all if she dismisses you, because then you’ll be right back to square 1. Secondly, if she orders you to do whatever…bullshit….you take orders from no one unless it’s your boss or someone who you have to in order to get paid. She does not own you.
Wow. That must be weird and kind of heart wrenching to see her around and not talk to her. I don’t know how I’d handle something like that, but we live so far apart, that’ll never happen for us.
It is very hard to motivate myself. It’s hard to even get myself to practice piano and it’s in the same room as me.
I’m sure she doesn’t have that much time to think about anything else. She said herself that she’s so busy she doesn’t think she even has the mental capacity for a relationship right now. Pretty much every day of the week she’s busy working hard. She probably does think everything will be fine if she keeps busy.
I do drive myself sick thinking about her. Physically ill. And it feels like everything reminds me of her. We shared so much that almost anywhere I look I see something that makes me think of her. It’s a horrible feeling. It hurts to the point where I don’t know how I can even stand it. I can’t see myself being even half as happy without her.
I understand the need for no contact. It’s good advice, and maybe she will miss me. At first I couldn’t believe that she could just throw our relationship away like that after almost two years. It felt so wrong and cruel. When we talked again, during my breakdown on the phone, I asked her how she could just throw it all away after two years and her response was “I’m 25 years old. Two years is nothing.”. Ugh. She also said later, “If you really knew me we wouldn’t have broken up.”. That hurt very very badly.
In my online communications class I’m taking right now, we’re reading about interpersonal relationships. The different stages of relationships, different events of a relationship, how they work and such. Currently we’re reading about listening and how crucial listening is to relationships. I spent nearly 10 years pretty much isolated so I missed out on doing most teenage things like dating and hanging out with friends and such. I didn’t actually have any friends until a year or so after I moved to Boise around 4 or 5 years ago. So my people skills kind of aren’t the best and my listening skills can be pretty terrible. I have a hard time remembering things that people tell me and I can be extremely stubborn and not listen when someone’s asking me to do something different.
One of the things she told my friend as a reason why she broke up with me was “The sheer number of times we’ve had the stop doing the thing conversation. But i’m like a broken record here. Sometimes I think he just likes the sound of my voice so much he doesn’t hear what I’m saying. He got some things eventually, but after a lot of effort on my part. And sometimes I have so much going on in my own life that it was hard to drop everything to understand him. Which is where compromise comes in. But then I started compromising my aspirations and dreams for him. So I had to stop.”
I feel like my poor listening skills added a lot to the break up. It’s something I’m trying to improve on, but it just feels like it’s another thing that was my fault. And maybe her expectations were too high. I think they likely were. I can’t be perfect, I can’t do everything she expects. I’m pretty far from who she ever thought she’d be with, but I did everything the best that I could, even if some of the time it wasn’t very well. I made tons of mistakes due to inexperience and my own somewhat anxious, introverted and shy personality, but I wonder if her expectations were so high that I couldn’t fulfill them. We once wrote out and sent each other a document of “Relationship Expectations” because we were trying this communications thing where we wrote things out and sent them to each other. Probably not the best idea looking back, but at the time, I guess we wanted to find out what we expected of each other and what to strive to be. I tried so hard to live up to those expectations, but I got pretty stuck in my comfort zone and just going through each day expecting things to be fine the next day and if anything came up, we’d deal with it because we love each other. But I was very wrong and I didn’t live up to her expectations and even worse I broke down almost every time we talked for the next 3 months after the break up. I feel like I’ve turned her away so thoroughly. But I do think her expectations for me were maybe too high. As much as I’d love to live up to them, it was hard to meet.
She can be pretty demanding but that’s also something I love about her. I just wish I could’ve made her happy.
I’ll keep the bear and hold on to it for now. I hope so much that she’ll talk to me again sooner rather than later, but I understand that talking to her now won’t make things any better. I can’t even handle looking at a bag of gummy bears because it reminds me of her. There’s no way I can handle just being her friend. I have a lot of self work to do. Though it’s hard as hell to get myself to leave the house and do it.
Actually it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I took it all in stride and didn’t even acknowledge her when she looked at me. I could just see her from the side, but she ignored me and I ignored her, so I’m not worried about what she thinks right now.
I know the feeling you’re going through, although not to the extreme you feel of getting physically ill from thinking about her. “I’m 25 years old and 2 years is nothing” was such a shitty thing to say. I’m sorry, but that was downright cruel to say to you when you’re having a breakdown. “If you really knew me, we wouldn’t have broken up…” Yep, everything always has to be your fault, nothing is ever her fault. She can’t take responsibility for her own damn actions. That’s ok, my ex couldn’t either. I think the problem is they don’t care to stop and look at themselves because they feel better blaming someone else. Something is not right in her mind doing that. It can’t be all one-sided of faults. What she told your friend still is blaming ONLY you and nothing at all on her.
Her expectations are just unreal. You can’t go say, ok….it’s all his fault because he’s not perfect enough for me. She’s just being delusional by always blaming you and always saying it’s always your fault. She honestly has a long, hard road ahead of herself if she thinks she can get by with these unrealistic expectations of people. So what if you lived in your comfort zone? Why does that or not listening well enough a reason to break up? It isn’t. Only in her mind it seems to be, but if you look at the whole thing, I bet you can pick out a bunch of times she wasn’t perfect either.
Don’t bother with talking to her or being her friend or anything right now. Just keep your friends around that will help you deal with this and hopefully get you more motivated. I know it hurts really bad right now and you don’t want to do anything but you can’t move on sitting there and thinking about her all the time. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. You can’t always make sense of why things are the way they are. You just have to try to live for you and not for her this time around.
You’re right. It was some shitty things to say and it felt like she pushed all the blame onto me. I don’t know what she was expecting me to do. Just sit there and laugh about it? I don’t know why she said those things. Probably to hurt me and push me away. I can’t believe it got so ugly.
I went to the gym last night. One of my friends pushed me to go, so I went. It was good to go again. It’ll be hard to keep going, but I’ll try to.
July 4th is the day we first met. It’ll be 4 years of knowing each other and being friends and such. It would feel wrong not to say something. I understand completely that I’m not ready to just be friends with her and that I should leave her be, but I just remembered it today and I feel like I really should say something to her then. Not have a conversation or anything really, but just say something short to her to acknowledge the day. Maybe it’s a mistake.. I just don’t think I should let the day pass in silence. It was always kind of a big deal for us.
But you’ve all said very good reasons for just leaving her be for now and I don’t want to make things any worse.
Hello! I am really sorry you’re going through all of these hard things. I’ve recently gone through a hard breakup myself, and I feel like I can relate to you completely because my ex is kind of very recentful towards me and doesn’t like me at all, despite everything we went through. He doesn’t tell me bad things to my face because (this is going to sound sexist, and well it kind of is) well I’m the girl and he’s the guy and he doesn’t want to be disrespectful or anything. I know it sounds very ignorant but that’s the way he sees it. I think if he’s mad at me he should talk about it with me but whatever.
Anyway that’s not the point. The thing is I understand that you are now doing new and different things and you feel better and everything, but you’re a bit desperate to reach out to her so you can talk again. It’s completely understandable, but I think you should wait a bit more. There is not specific time, I can’t tell you “one month, two months, two weeks” or whatever, because as cheesy as it sounds it’s when you’re ready. Here’s where you gotta be smart and you need to learn to realise when you’re ready and when you’re needy. You might try to convince yourself that you’re ready to talk to her in a lonely night when really you’re just sad and think that if you text her everything will end up right, when in reality it might just be a step back.
To know you’re ready, you must look at all your relationship as one. Don’t divide it as “when we loved each other” to “when we didn’t”. The relationship was always with the same person, she’s that girl you were best friends with, she’s just showing you a side of her you didn’t know.
Ask yourself if you would forgive all the things she’s done to hurt you.
Sit down and analyze the things you did wrong, or the things she said you did wrong. Be honest with yourself and accept the things you know were not okay. Try looking at things from another perspective. If it’s something you’re sure you “can’t fix” imagine that you’re giving advice to someone else in that area. What would you tell them to do?
It’s when everything’s figured out in your head that you can text her again. When you believe that you guys could actually start a new relationship without all the old problems, that’s when you’re ready.
Because if she does want anything with you, the first thing she would want you to do is to probably sit down and talk maturely about it. Talk about the mistakes you both made and how you are sorry and that you believe that you guys are more than those mistakes that you never want to make again.I’m sorry for your bad situation. It seems all of us here are going through terrible emotional trials.
I keep wondering “When will I be ready?” “What is ready?”. I don’t want to wait too long, but I don’t want to upset her again. I want to be ready. I just don’t know what that is.
I know I have a lot of thinking to do… It’s hard to know what is right when I feel so confused. I know I have to work on myself and be strong and be patient, but it’s difficult when I don’t even know what I’m trying to figure out and with the fear that she won’t want to talk to me again.
I will think about those things and try the “other perspective” thing.
I’m trying to believe that she still loves me somewhere and that she didn’t mean all those things she said and that there is still hope, but I feel so hopeless. It’s hard to overcome this feeling and get to the productive part of the process.
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