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Don’t get me wrong. I want her to be happy. I just can’t stand the pain that I feel right now.
I calmed myself down a bit. Played some Doom. I’m just trying to breathe and drink some water.
I don’t know why I was set off so bad today. It was so sudden and intense. I just lost control of my emotions. Luckily I didn’t message her or do anything I’d regret. I think writing on here helped. It’s just the waiting without any idea of an end, hoping that she’ll come talk to me again when I don’t know if she will. The overwhelming helplessness I’m feeling. It’s like she’s taunting me. She’s right there, I can see her, but I can’t say anything and all I want to do in the whole world is talk to her. It’s enough to drive me crazy.
I honestly don’t know if I should send the bear or not. I don’t know if it would matter, if it would make her more upset at me if I did, or if it would make her less hostile towards me. Either way though, all I can do is wait for her to come to me? I know I need to be patient, but it’s hard to keep myself calm, keep myself from panicking and breaking down when day after day I’m hoping she comes back and I don’t really know if she ever will. I’m trying to believe that she didn’t mean what she said. I don’t think she meant all of it, but even if she didn’t, I don’t want it to be over. Will I not have another chance unless I let go of her? Isn’t that kind of a paradox? I really don’t understand.
I want so badly to do the right thing. I’m afraid I pushed her away too far to recover from. I hope with every fiber of my being that this can still be saved. That we still have a chance. I’m just having the hardest time staying calm and staying positive when every day I feel less confident that she’ll come back and I feel more and more hopeless about the situation.
Am I just being crazy?
Ok, let’s look at a few things. The first thing is you have tons of resentment towards her for what she did. These feelings and emotions that come on out of nowhere, just seeing her online are going to sometimes trigger rage because deep down you know you didn’t do anything wrong to be treated like this. And, you’re right. What you have to do for your sake is work on your feelings and your anger because all it’s going to do is eat away at you and make you feel worse. You’re not being crazy, it’s all normal to feel the way you do and as strongly as you do because of those intense feelings you have. Take everything she said (telling you about going to the movies with different guys was such a shitty move on her part) and try to understand that if she’s doing that, she’s obviously trying to get you all riled up. That is only explanation. You don’t tell someone something like that unless you are trying to trigger hurt or anger out of the other person. It wasn’t right on so many levels.
Another thing you have to look at is you’re still concentrating really hard on getting her back and putting a lot of effort, even if you aren’t talking to her. You have to start thinking of yourself. Which means if you know you’re going to get upset about seeing her online (which I used to do in the past for someone I liked…not even loved), you’re going to have to either stop looking for her on there, or unplug from facebook for awhile and concentrate on yourself or (and you’re going to hate this)….delete her. It’s not doing you any good at all if you’re able to see everything she’s up to, whether it’s going out with different people or not. That all may be just a way to get at you so she can turn around, blast you and call you psycho again. That’s not cool at all.
I know you want her to come back to you, believe me, I know how much you love her, but you have to get to a point where you say enough is enough, “I need to start loving myself more than I love her.” Because ultimately what you’re doing is putting yourself second and that’s not fair at all. If it ever gets that bad where you’re in pain and agony, then get away, go outside and run and scream if you want. Get it all out, don’t let it build up inside. Go drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream, yell and pretend she’s there and just get it all out, everything you want to tell her. Even write things down on paper exactly how you feel, don’t send it to her, but just get everything out, cuss if you want, yell on paper if you want. Whatever it takes to relieve those feelings. Then, talk to yourself and tell yourself that you’re a good person who unfortunately got hurt really bad. Tell yourself that you deserve better because you can keep blaming yourself, but it’s not going to help anything.
I had no idea I have so much resentment towards her until now. I’ve always trusted her 100% and she’s always been wonderful and very reliable until this all happened. I feel very betrayed and I’m actually pretty surprised at myself for having so much anger towards her come out like that.
I don’t know if I can delete her yet. I don’t feel like I’m ready to do something like that. I can try to actively not go where I might see her though and make it so her posts don’t show up on my feed. Although she does rarely post on facebook and was only online for like 10 minutes. I can’t believe just seeing her online pulled that kind of reaction out of me. I felt so furious and pained.
I get what you’re saying though. I have been putting myself second. I always tried to put her first because I always felt like if she was happy, I was happy. But that doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never worked.
I don’t really know how how to love myself more than her. Maybe that’s a totally different issue that I need to figure out, but I don’t know how to stop myself from blaming myself. I can tell myself it’s not my fault and that I deserve better, but I don’t really feel like the words are true, but at the same time there’s part of me, the angry resentful part, that’s yelling “You don’t need this shit! You’re being ridiculous and pathetic. She betrayed you and hurt you. You didn’t do anything wrong.” But it’s hard to trust the angry voice.
Is it just a matter of thinking it and saying it to myself constantly?
I’ll try to remember to do that if it happens again. I probably need to find a good secluded spot to vent in. I feel so twisted up and confused. I don’t know what’s right or wrong.
If you can’t delete her just yet, I would definitely put where her posts don’t show up on your wall and try not to actively go seek her out on fb. Like you said, you feel betrayed and hurt and your reaction is very natural, it all bubbled up. It’s extremely hard to put yourself first because you’re so used to putting her before you. I always did the same thing for my gf, if she was happy, then I was happy, if she was upset, it would get me upset and it was an emotional rollercoaster. The problem is basing our happiness on someone else’s happiness always leads us on the path of when they are up, we are up, when they are down, we are down.
If you’re not sure how to love yourself more than her, that will take some time. Only you have the power to stop blaming yourself. I know she made it all out to be your fault but it really wasn’t. As stupid as it is, yes she loves you, but it’s too easy to pin everything on you so she doesn’t feel guilty. Her conscious is better that way. You don’t have to believe the words that you deserve better, but just do it anyways. Say, I know I deserve better…even if you think you don’t. It puts some positive in your mind. As far as you’re being ridiculous and pathetic….take those words out. They’re destructive and negative and will bring you down. You’re in love and there is nothing ridiculous and pathetic about it.
But yes, think it and say it constantly. One day you’re going to believe it. Work on secluding a spot you can go to and even if it’s in your house and you’re alone, pretend she’s there in the room. Get angry at her, cry, lash out and feel that anger flow out. Write things down….things that you’re confused about. Also write down things that were negative about her in the relationship….write down….she didn’t….etc….and she didn’t do this….etc…. Reflect on her faults and shortcomings and then look at it on paper and see that she isn’t as innocent as she portrays herself to be.
All of this is very true and it did feel very much like an emotional rollercoaster. Now it feels like the roller coaster went off the rails and crashed..
I’ve been saying “I know I deserve better.” to myself repeatedly today, trying to get it into my head. It sounds weird to say, but I’m saying it anyway, hoping it will sound better soon.I think I might try to write down these things tomorrow if I feel up to delving into this emotional mess. I might need to just distract myself with some more Doom for a bit though.
That’s a good idea about secluding a place and pretending she’s in the room. I’ll try to find a good place to shout and scream and vent and say all the things that I want to say to her when my emotions boil over.
I keep going through weird cycles. At night I always have some sort of dream or nightmare about her. I can’t sleep very well because of it. Last night I woke up because I could hear her voice perfectly and clearly saying things that are painful to hear. When I wake up in the morning I’m a complete mess. I look at my phone, see there are no messages from her (she would message me every morning before I woke up when we were together so it became a habit to check first thing.), realize all over again what happened, all of it just comes back to me in one huge wave of overwhelming nausea and sickness and pain and regret, I hug the bear she gave me and just cry. Then after a while I get up, sit down at my computer and just stare blankly into space.
I’ll be all messed up for the next few hours until I find something to focus on really intently, like Doom or Overwatch. I signed up for the emails from this site and I look forward to them every day at 7:53. I’ve been talking to my friends a lot about this and after I do a lot of talking and thinking and figuring things out, I feel like I get a little better. I feel like things can’t be so bad, that this can be fixed somehow, that maybe there’s hope. I try to be positive against the overwhelming negative energy I feel all around me. I try to write a bit, try to get an idea of what I’m going to do and when I come up with an idea, I feel a little better. Then I usually distract myself for the next few hours, usually staying awake well into the night before I feel like I’m distracted enough to try to sleep.
Then comes the nightmares, her face, her voice, everything, all over again and I miss her so much. I’ll wake up like 5 or more times during the night because of this, feeling like I’m burning up, my stomach in knots. And I have to do this all over again the next day, and the next day, and so on. I feel so weak and so tired. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I miss her so much.
I don’t know how to stop these nightmares. I suppose there’s nothing I really can do. I’ve always been extremely prone to nightmares and she means everything to me.
I’ve been posting things to facebook and instagram regularly. Once every couple days or so. I have no idea if she’s seen any of it. If she has, I can’t tell, but she’s still following me on instagram and friends on facebook.
I got the email about writing the letter last night. I was wondering if I should do that, like a small short note that basically says something like I understand this break up had to happen, that i’m doing well and I hope she is. That I’m sorry for being disrespectful afterwards and not respecting her decision, and that I’d like to talk again sometime in the future but for now we need space.
I haven’t quite worked it out yet, and I’d really rather not lie and say I’m doing fine if I’m barely getting through my day, but I don’t know… I don’t want the last thing between us to be this horrible ugly fight with those terrible words. I don’t want her to remember me as a crazy emotional guy who couldn’t let go. And maybe she won’t. I don’t know.
When we first broke up, about a week after, she came back and called me. She said she was having a hard week, that she was pretty depressed and wished I would get angry or something so it wasn’t so hard. She then said that maybe we could just be friends with benefits or something. And I thought maybe I had another chance, maybe she’d be willing to come back. A week later I kind of had another break down, did the same sort of thing that I did when she got really angry and told me to get out of her life, messaged her too much, didn’t give her space, being broken down and desperate, and that’s when she asked for no contact the first time, which I didn’t handle well. I wrote her like 3 letters during that time… then a week of talking, then she said she wanted a full month of no contact and this time I did it, etc. During our last week of talking, she said it was too soon to try again, but that nothing is impossible in her mind and she would consider me in the future. I was okay with this, and I thought “Okay, we’ll just be friends and I’ll do my best.” until she started talking about dating other people and I lost my head again and broke down and triggered this mess that i’m in now.
I would be fine just being friends until she’s ready, but I wasn’t expecting all this dating talk and I ruined everything because I had a breakdown.
I just feel like I’ve been pushing her further and further away. This is why I feel like a lot of the situation I’m in is my fault. I blame myself for pushing her away.
Dear friend.
Greetings from Brazil.
I’ve been following your story here. It seems to me that is pretty obvious that actually your story with her has not come to an end. However, you need to let the seed die so the tree can grow. Look at yourself. Anger, resentment won’t make you a better person. I am passing through a rough time as well. I know how much it hurts to wait for a message that never comes. I guarantee to you: if you let it go (trully, don’t chase, don’t see, don’t enter facebook) and concentrate on developing you, she will come back. I assure you that she is playing with you. You need to get out of this game. You need to see yourself in the mirror and start really working on you. It maybe a gym, a class, i dont know. Take your plans that were always a dream, or covered in dust, and take them out. I assure you one last thing. AS soon as you get back on your feet, you will make the call if you guys are staying together or not (the world spins and situations change dramatically in short periods of time).
So bro, I wish you the best, count on me to chat – +55 (19) 99909-9304 – Whatsapp – Talking to people that understand you actually helps a lot.
I really hope it’s not at an end. I would hate for it to end like this. I keep feeling that I should apologize and let her know that I’ll be fine before I can really move past this. Having that be the last conversation we had makes me feel so bad. I don’t know if that would be a mistake though. It might be. I know I have to get past this and focus on myself and not worry about her, I just can’t stand leaving things like this. But maybe I have to? It probably would be best not to say anything…
I keep repeating to myself “I know I deserve better.” maybe soon it will feel like it means something.
Thank you very much for your support and I will send you a message when I have some time. Probably tomorrow. A friend is coming over soon to help distract me for a bit and hopefully do something fun.
Well, it is actually quite natural you fell this way. I went through a six year relationship brake-up (still going). And in my view it was actually pretty much my fault that it ended this way. I don’t think you should go apologize right now. Take sometime to breathe. You are being obcessed about her. You gotta to give you time to face this demoons. I could not sleep without having nightmares. I saw her, I kissed her. I went through weekends in my bed, just saying : you stupid piece of shit, what have you done. So, if you can make this period shorter, I guarantee that your soul mate, it doesn’t matter how far you are, will fell it. Stop posting on Facebook. The ignorance is a much more effective to attract than when she can see where you are right now. You can count on me buddie.
Damn, man….I’m so sorry you’re going through so much depression. Believe me, I would never wish that on my worst enemy. Have you ever thought of taking anti depressant alternatives without side effects? I take Amoryn and I know it helps me a lot but your anguish and grief is so raw, I can feel it coming across this page. My heart goes out to you. There is always hope no matter what. My heart breaks for you and how much you miss her. I wish I had the right things to tell you of what to do to help alleviate this horrible depression. I think a lot of these nightmares is your subconscious trying to deal with everything and try to sort everything out as much as it can but there is only so much it can do. One thing I can tell you is don’t ever apologize. You feel so guilty and so bad but you didn’t do anything wrong. It was all her. I honestly think she’s wanting you to get mad so she thinks she has more of a reason of ending things but you getting mad or anything you would just end up regretting it later on if you’re like I am. Don’t listen to her about dating other people. She may just be saying that to get a reaction out of you. You didn’t ruin anything having a breakdown. That’s normal and if she thinks you’re weak because of that, then she seriously needs to remember the last time she’s been hurt by someone else. That’s not fair at all. You can’t always blame yourself, though I know you do but she has a mind of her own and she needs to see that she is the one who pushed YOU away, not the other way around.
Take care, man. We’re all here for you.
No, I’ve never thought about taking any anti-depressants or alternatives. I don’t really have a lot to be super depressed about aside from this. Most things I can handle and while I used to have a lot of depression in the past, she really helped me get over a lot of that and most of the things that I was depressed about before aren’t really such big issues now.
It could be that she’s trying to get me mad or have a reason to push me away. I really don’t know what she’s thinking. 100% Have no idea anymore.
I don’t think she would lie about the dating thing. She’s always been one of those brutally honest types. I asked her why she was telling me about this when she told me and she said “Do you want me to lie?”. I didn’t know what to say to that.
She made me feel really terrible for not being there in person. She actually said “You’re not offering me anything I can’t get here.”. That felt like a knife in my heart. And another time during the week we were talking again, she was asking why I never bought her any Tiffany jewelry even though she made it clear that she really liked it. I had actually planned to get her something from Tiffany that was really nice for her visit, and I told her that, and she was like “Well, that’s unfortunate. Too late now.” It felt like she was just… trying to make me feel bad. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what she’s thinking or trying to do. It hardly felt like I was even talking to the same person I’ve known for four years. I think she probably has a lot of resentment…
It really felt like she was so angry at me for so many things. I never imagined that things would ever get like this. What a mess…
I just don’t understand the reason to tell someone they used to be in a relationship with that they are dating other people and then tell them “you’re not offering me anything I can’t get here.” There is one thing to be blunt (like my ex) and then there is another thing to be down right cruel (unfortunately again, like my ex) My ex never told me that but she’s said some really cruel things. It’s all such BS to tell someone you know damn good and well that has feelings for you all of that stuff. You just don’t do that whatsoever. I tell you, I can totally relate to being in love with someone and them turning on you and you have no idea just what the hell happened to the person you fell in love with. It just makes zero sense and yet here we are. She has no good reason to have resentment for you. Tiffany’s is nothing more than gifts. The fact you love her and supported her though 4 years should mean something. Gifts are something you get and happy for a short time and then where are you without the unconditional love with the man you were with?
I find it fascinating that people actually think they are better off without us. I say, “go to hell and more power to ya.” Not that you could tell her that but it just makes me think of the things my ex did at the end. Yes, she’s trying to make you feel bad and I don’t get her being angry. Like wtf do you have to be angry for? Someone loved you that much and cared for you that deeply. Mark my words, she will not get what you gave her. She’s just spewing off vile, hurtful things to you. I know it’s hard to just ignore it but she has no reason.
I hope you were able to get your mind off of it somewhat. Did you go outside, walk around or do anything? Do you like swimming?
Yeah… I don’t understand it. She kept saying “We want different things.” when she broke up. At first she wasn’t bad at all. I mean, aside from not wanting to be with me, she was still trying to be kind and even said she wouldn’t date anyone else for a while. I just wonder if these past couple months of always fighting, then going through NC then fighting, has made her feel more resentful towards me. Again, I feel like this is my fault. But I don’t know. I know I handled things badly and I feel I was disrespectful by not giving her the space she wanted. She’s never done anything to intentionally hurt me before. I don’t know if she is now or if she’s just trying to push me to move on or what. I wonder if she even cares at this point. It feels like she’s doing fine, going out and having fun, working on her career and school and is happy. She said she is and it didn’t seem otherwise. I just don’t know. I don’t know… I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of the shit barrel. I wish I could talk things out with her.
I walked a little. Not too much though. I played a lot of Doom. I’m on Doom 2 now. (Game is pretty crazy.). Played Overwatch with some friends today. Yesterday one of my friends came over and we played the old Pokemon Puzzle League together, which was a nice distraction. I’ve been trying hard to keep my mind off of it. Tomorrow I’m performing in an ensemble piano thing on stage in the park. Went to go practice with the group on wednesday. Tomorrow is also two weeks since our last conversation, when she said to stay out of her life. Keep going back and forth in my head whether or not it’d be right to send the bear or do anything. She hasn’t messaged me at all and I don’t get the feeling like she will any time soon.
I’m not really too much of a swimmer. I swam at a hotel pool in Utah about 2 months ago, but aside from that I haven’t actually swam since I was like 10.
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