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Posts
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I dont understand why she wants me to get angry at her. Just so she can have an excuse to say im really the bad guy I guess? I dont know. I cant be angry at her though even so. I wont yell at her or try to “put her in her place” or anything like that. Im not that kind of person who does that to people i care about.
I hope she didnt mean it. At this point there is nothing i can do but try to not focus on it or dwell on it. I will only hurt myself and keep myself anchored to the deep ocean.
I wont email her even though i want to. Its really all in her control now if we will speak again.
I actually talked to my dad about it. First time ever. He said a lot. That there’s nothing i can do. That i need to be the best i can be because she might come back someday and i might get another chance, though the circumstances are so unusual that who knows, but even if she doesnt thats still all I can do. That the future is up to her if she wants to contact again. I can do nothing. And that it sucks and you cant just be happy. You cant simply make yourself be happy. That it will probably take a long time before things feel normal again and that i shouldnt feel bad about the mistakes i made and things i shouldve done differently because this situation was so difficult to begin with, that I did what i thought was best with what i knew and even though it failed, its not my fault that the situation was so difficult. And it hurts more than broken bones and its not funny and it sucks. That if a stranger came up and hit me id get really mad but because i love this person she hurt me 1000x more and i still cant even be mad at her. That theres a big empty hole because we used to talk so much, communicate so much, were so close for so many years and now thats gone and he said he’s sure she must feel it too.
Plus some more that im having a hard time remembering because of 2 hours of sleep.
Also, he also said the same thing happened with my mom. that she ended it and it was ended for months and months but she eventually gave him another chance.
But in my situation who knows, because she lives on a whole different part of the planet. It makes things more difficult.
I still love her, there’s no changing that. I’m sure I always will love her. Even what she said can’t stop that. I’ll still hope that one day she’ll come back and even if we can’t be together, I hope we can at least be friends.
I hope for that for the future.
BUT I’m not going to sit and suffer now.
because there is literally nothing I can do.if she wants to be my friend, I am here, I am willing. It’s all up to her. All she has to do, literally all she needs to do is send me a message saying “Want to be friends again?” and I would say yes. I hold nothing against her. Yes there is still a tremendous amount of pain. It probably won’t go away either. I have regret upon regret, I fucked up a lot, I made mistakes, there are a hundred things I should’ve done differently that I can’t change now. But I can’t let what I did punish me now. I’ve suffered for the past 6 months. I tried everything I could to make this work. I never did anything to hurt her, I never tried to make her suffer, I never tried to get revenge or do anything of the sort. I was only ever kind to her even though it hurt. I only tried to do my best.
If she wants to be this way, telling me I’m horrible, that our relationship was a waste of time, that I mean nothing to her, and if she wants to try to make me suffer, misunderstand what I say then not even give me a chance to respond, treat me like trash, then I just feel sorry for her because despite my mistakes and everything I did wrong, I’m not crazy, I’m not a bad person. I only ever wanted to make her happy and see her smile, to share our journey through life together and to do the best I could do. I don’t think I should be treated like trash or like a criminal for that…
You and I are in the exact same situation about wanting to just keep the lines of communication open except for my ex won’t even give me the time of day. Her brother told me last night she took a job 560 miles from San Antonio and moving away to El Paso. Needless to say, I felt like a bat swung and hit me hard. I was speechless. I haven’t talked to her in 4 months but I tried once again to reach out to her last night, called and she didn’t answer and then just left her a voicemail. She never acknowledged it but I basically told her I love her and I wish her the best. Today has been so fucked up. I drank last night to ease the pain, today is just a blur nightmare.
So believe me when I tell you that I feel for you on all levels about being in love and wanting to just keep friendship going or something. It’s so hard for us to imagine our lives without them but man, I wish to hell we had control, but we don’t. They obviously are going to do whatever the hell they want to do regardless of our feelings. Selfish is an understatement. All they can do is blame us and then just kick us out of their lives like nothing and I refuse to believe in both of our situations that they don’t care. Well, I know mine doesn’t since she doesn’t even respond. Yours still cares as mad as she got. Of course that doesn’t make you feel better.
I’ve prayed, I’ve hoped and kept faith but bull fucking shit, I have lost faith completely in God and in anything anymore. I mean, nothing ever makes sense anymore. I have no idea why I’m here either. I guess somehow we’re here for a reason but what the fuck for, ya know? You and I keep getting the short end of the stick and I ask God why and I never get any answers.
Hey guys! how are you?
I know well what you are going through! I am in the same boat.
today I completed 45 days without contact with my ex! today I sent an email to her tried to make things at least friendly between us and saying how much I love her.
I know she will not answer just like you! I asked God but every day I lose more hope!
I don’t know what to expect
Best
I wish you luck, mr handy. I am not a religious person, I don’t really believe in anything, but I have sent out my wishes to the universe, asking the complex mess that it is to bring her back someday. I know it’s pretty pointless just wishing, but at this point, it’s all we can do.
I get the feeling of losing hope. Right now fuck, it hurts so much to even think about her. My chest physically hurts when I think about what she said. I wish she didn’t say it because it hurt me terribly. I don’t know what to do myself but I’m trying so hard not to drown in sadness. I have to find some way to be the best I can be. If she comes back someday, I want to have the best chance I can, and if not, I want to at least be in a better place. Honestly though, I don’t know where to start. For now I’m just trying to stay distracted.
Last night I slept downstairs on the sofa because sleeping in my bed was too painful. Everywhere I looked there were reminders. The bed in itself was one huge reminder, all the times I laid there talking to her either on the phone or just through text messages. Her paintings and posters on my wall, her pillow, the stuffed animals, my damn alarm clock even that she gave me. I couldn’t do it. I’ll put the stuff away somewhere sometime but I haven’t been able to do it yet. Sleeping downstairs in a different place unconnected to her helped me sleep a little better, though not much…
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Neither of our situations are easy. I don’t know how to get through this. One of my friends sent me exercises to do when you feel like you’re dissociating, like when you start to lose your sense of reality, which happens to me a lot these days, I feel like I’m just an outside observer wherever I am, and I lose the sense of myself actually being in the place. I don’t see myself as myself, but more like I’m on some outside looking in. I’m trying to stay “present” in my space. Not elsewhere, not in my head, not wherever she is, but here, right now, feeling the things around me, focusing on my current reality.
Thanks Hocktyr! I hope you get well!
I know it’s hard but try to take things that remind your ex from your room!
Every day, I undone the things that remind me of my ex! The last thing I have and that reminds me of her, were the conversations on PSN! I have to delete it when I see it, makes me very badly!
Try This friend!
Hey guys,
Horckytr, I just happened to read your story and I am really sorry to hear what you have been through, I know how you feel. It seems to me though that as days have passed, your emotional balance has been dangerously degrading instead of improving, and this is not right man. I am going to be honest, you need to take distance from her and the relationship you had, like seriously cutting it off, you have to regain your mental sanity.
There is nothing you can do right now, absolutely nothing you can do to get her back, she’s just in her own mindset. Trust me I know this because I’m experiencing the same with my ex.
The best way you have to recover is not to wait for her around anymore, not to dwell about her words, the past and telling yourself you need closure. I know you want her back, I want my ex back too but the world doesn’t stop if she is gone, you are an own individual, a valuable individual with so much to offer to the people around you. You can have a happy life without her even if she doesn’t want you in hers.
If she will come back and it might take some time, then it will be your decision to reconsider a chance, you will be in control, because at that point you will be a stronger and improved person.
I also suggest you to see a therapist if you can, it does help.Best luck and stay strong!
FishingTheSky, I have been re-reading what you said throughout yesterday and today just trying to make it through. I’m trying my best not to fall apart anymore. Just getting through each day and night is hard. Every day it feels like I’m starting all over again. I miss her so much it feels like I could just die.
I’ve never been to a therapist and I kind of have anxiety about these things so I’m not sure that I will but I’ll consider it.
I’ll be honest, a therapist isn’t going to tell you what to do but just give you a guideline of what to do. You can take the highest qualified therapist in the world but it’s really up to you to try to fix things you feel deep down inside. We’re all telling you here what a therapist would. You can try to find one, but as depressed as you are, they’re probably doing to want to put you on anti-depressants.
I have seen a thrapist for a while now and I can tell you personally that it has helped. I have psychological issues I have been trying to overcome and only after many months I am seeing actual results. Therapists don’t have a magic wand, they don’t do miracles because in the end it’s up to you if you wanna get better. I was pretty skeptical at the beginning too, but I realized that talking to a someone who is detached from me and my situation (here we are all emotionally involved more or less because we are going through the same experiences and this doesn’t let us be completely objective)helped me to see/analyze shades of myself I didn’t know about. Horckytr you can’t die of heartbreak, this is a sure thing.
Come one man, take control of your life again, look outside the window, there are many opportunities for to catch.
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