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Boards Reconciliation Getting someone back over long distance, looking for advice

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • #111720
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    bigreader
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    • Total Posts: 5

    Hello,

    I’m going to try to get the point across in an easy manner.

    We began dating in college about 2.5 years ago, but i had graduated and moved on to grad school. We were doing long distance for the other 2 years, and were able to make time for eachother and tbh, the time we got to spend together was absolutely awesome. She was planning on moving to me when she graduates here in a month or two.

    Well, a few days before Christmas, she ended things and quickly moved on to someone else. That was about 4 months ago, and she seems to still be with him, but spends time facetiming me, playing phone games like Words with friends, etc., and when we do talk, it is kind of flirty and we spend the whole time laughing and enjoying our time. Furthermore, I don’t mean to be rude/crude, but him and I are, well, kindof in different “classes”. He always hovered in the background of our relationship, but I never thought of them together as even a possibility. However, as soon as we broke up, it seemed like he was right there.

    I’m sorry if that sounded arrogant, but many people have expressed the same thought and I figured it may help to provide context.

    Since we broke up, I have spent alot of time learning about what I did wrong and am now really prepared to right the ship. When we do Facetime, it lasts for a few hours and we really are on the same page. She doesn’t bring this guy up in conversations, but asks about who I am seeing and whatnot.

    I’d like to see how I can move this forward because I really do want to spend our lives together. I can’t seem to get her to really believe that if we tried it again, it would be completely different and extremely healthy and successful.

    If you need more information about the situation, please don’t hesitate to ask! I am trying to figure out where to go from here and any advice would be appreciated.

    #111734
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 1939

    You shouldn’t compare yourself to the other guy! He might have some attributes she’s attracted to that you don’t..

    I guess you’re still long distant, but wonder if she was planning to move closer to you also for other reasons such as family etc..

    Apparently you’ve asked her to consider trying reconciliation, but she’s not interested in doing that.

    Maybe you should tell her you don’t want anymore contact for a month or two so you can process the breakup. That would give her a chance to miss you and think about the decision she made to breakup.

    #111741
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    bigreader
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    • Total Posts: 5

    Hi patricia12,

    You are right, and I usually don’t compare myself to others, but when a few people saw who she was now with, the response was like “whaaaat?”. I wasn’t sure if it would provide any additional info or not, but I went ahead and included it.

    No, I was the only reason she was planning to move.

    We did go a month without talking at which point she texted me on a Saturday night that she saw one of my exs and that she wanted to catch up with me.

    There was also something she did a few days ago where she made her social media public, and then private. Im just trying to understand a lot of this and whether the private/public social media, playing words with friends but taking as long as possible, hiding her new guy from me, wanting to facetime, etc., are all good signs or if she is just stringing me on. What do you think?

    #111742
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    Seth
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    • Total Posts: 84

    I am going to keep this simple. You have fallen into the just friends trap. If you want her back as more than that you better.make some changes. If it were me, I would first tell her “this friends thing isn’t working for me”, then stop facetiming with her, stop playing words with friends with her and stop reaching out to her. Let her miss you and maybe come back to you with a different perspective. If she valued you relationship, she will be back.

    I want to pount out that to me, it sounds like she was involved with someone else BEFORE she told you about it. But still it give the vibe of a temporary rebound relationship and she knows that. That is why she is trying to keep you on the hook as a backup. But I promise you, if you stay on that hook, you will never get her back. If you end this current thing and go no contact she will at least feel the consquences of not having you in her life and will more likely feel the sense of urgency to fix that. If you allow this “friendship” to continue, you are allowing her to slowly ween herself off you. She will eventually fully leave you and you will be the one hurt. Take your power back now,

    I am speaking from experience. My ex-wife and I ended up living on opposite sides of the country due to our careers. The distance and loniness became too much for her. One night she announced in chat that she wanted a divorce. I went full no contact. Three weeks later she reached out to me all worried that I had forgotten about her or hated her. We started talking again and making trips to see each other more frequently. Our marriage lasted four more good years. We did eventually divorce, but no contact got us talking again and we strengthened the marriage for a few more years. I would strongly recommend ending the long distance as soon as possible if you get back together. Long distance really doesnt work. I usually dont give advice on ling distance relationships, because its pointless in most cases.

    After my ex-wife I had a long term girlfriend who has trust issues. This lead to conflicts and breakups several times. I would go no contact and usually within a few weeks she would just show up at my house and ask if we could talk. No contact works.

    #111743
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    Seth
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    • Total Posts: 84

    I typed all that on mobile and have lots of typos. Sorry.

    #111747
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    bigreader
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    Hey Seth,

    Thanks for all the information. Since i first posted this situation, I have thought more about it and want to ask for some guidance.

    First, I still haven’t gotten my stuff back and we plan to meet in 2 weeks to exchange the stuff. How does that influence the no contact? I want to get my stuff so that I can really disappear for reasons described below.

    After thinking about it, some of her actions in the last two months of our relationship was very uncommon. She wanted to go to library and study more (which she has never done) and then when she visited for a whole week before ending things, she was staying up much later at night. Usually we would go to sleep at the same time, but that week she would stay awake waaay past me. Furthermore, i am never on facebook, but after scrolling back, I noticed that they really started interacting (hearting things, liking things, etc.) early November. On top of the fact that it was literally a day after we broke up that he was now in the picture, I am really coming to the conclusion that she was cheating for atleast a month. What do you think about this?

    My thoughts are obviously biased, but if collectively we think that she did, in fact, cheat, then after I get my stuff I am completely disappearing.

    I haven’t ever been one to play games, but it seems like I’m at my end. It seems like between all of this, she is playing all of the games.

    Last thing, at the beginning of our relationship, I promised that I would never be the one to hang up the phone and that i would always respond. I have kept that promise through the break up because I try uphold my promises. Is it time to disregard it and just go silent?

    Should I respond if she reaches out to me about exchanging stuff?

    Thanks for all the information, and I hope your situation turned out for the best for you!

    #111748
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    Seth
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    • Total Posts: 84

    Do you need your stuff back? Is it important? if it’s not that important you could just leave it there or collect it months from now when you have a better grasp on this. If it was her idea that you get your stuff back, I would tell her to keep it.

    Like I said in my first reply, it sounds like she was interacting with him before she told you, that doesn’t necessarily mean she crossed the line. If she did, for me that is a deal breaker. I close the door firmly in those situations and it never opens again. Of course, we are only assuming and it could be wrong. Flirting is not cheating and maybe that is all they did. Let’s not assume one way or the other.

    Still we want to go no contact to figure out things for ourselves and get our own heads straight. Forget what is going on with them. You might want to make sure you are sure about this before you make a decision. You might regret it soon afterwards. I would simply tell her that you need some space and time to figure things out and stop talking.

    Going no contact does not mean ignoring her. That could be seen as immature. But it does mean do not reach out to her and do not let your emotions take over. If she reaches out to you to test the waters, you should keep it short. If she says “good morning”, you can reply with “good morning” nothing else. If she says “I ran into one your friends”, you can say. “That’s nice” You can be polite, but distant. Of course if you really don’t want to hear from her or she is sending you too many messages, you need to communicate that to her in a mature way. Say “I am sorry, but I really need some space and time to myself” Hopefully she will respect that.

    #111749
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    bigreader
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    Seth,

    Unfortunately, she has quite a bit of my things that actually do have some value. I would like to get it back, which makes this exchange a little more complicated i guess. If it were not valuable, then I would say to keep it or throw it away.

    If she did cheat, then I will disappear and never talk with her again. How could I go about finding that out? Should I just ask, or present everything I know so far?

    Thank you for the help.

    #111750
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    Seth
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    • Total Posts: 84

    That’s fine. If you want your stuff back you should get it back. I would advice not mentioning your suspicions until you get it back. I know of some people who will refuse to give it back just to control the situation.

    I misspoke a little earlier. If you think she cheated and if that is a deal breaker for you, you should trust your instincts and be true to yourself. No you should not ask her in my opinion, simply for the fact that she isn’t going to tell you the truth if she hasn’t already, and her lies will only cause you doubt and anxiety.

    I wouldn’t just “disappear” though. That is how immature people breakup or end friendships. Make sure she knows why you are disappearing.

    What I would do if it were me is first get my stuff back. Then tell her that I don’t think she was being honest with me about when she became intimidate with the new guy and for that reason I am closing the door on her and moving on with my life, and she should move on with hers. Because people who cheat on me have no place in my life.

    #111752
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    bigreader
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    • Total Posts: 5

    Thanks for all the advice, I plan to use it moving forward! Thank you again,

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