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Friends with Benefits. Every guys dream eh….? Not always! How do you get past a “friends with benefits” stage with your ex? I haven’t seen an email from Kevin that talks about this yet. Is this not a normal stage?
How we got here:
My girlfriend and I broke up 4 weeks ago after 3 years together. I started NC the day of the breakup, and 2 weeks later she contacted me. I was too weak to ignore her and ended up calling her back. Our 3 hour conversation started with something along the lines of “the breakup was for the best and we both need space” and ended with something like “maybe you should come over tonight, and we can go back to giving each other space tomorrow.” So of course I went over to her place. It was 1AM at that point, so we both knew what was going to happen. That night was actually pretty amazing, and continued into the next morning.
I actually stuck to the “giving each other space” part of the deal, but she ended up contacting me again the following day. She asked if we could get together on Friday and talk. I agreed, and we talked on the phone that night until we went to bed. We continued to talk on the phone for the next 4 nights until Friday came around. I went over to her place, and she was reluctant to talk (even though this was her idea). I didn’t push her, but eventually we talked and she gave me the dreaded, “I think I just want to be friends” line. I didn’t tell her I wanted otherwise, and said I was fine with that. We started watching a movie, then 30 minutes later started making out, and shortly after that went to the bedroom and slept together again. The next morning wasn’t awkward at all, and she always acts like she doesn’t want me to leave (but I always do because I have a dog at home). While we were in bed I made the comment that this technically makes us “Friends with Benefits”, to which she agreed.
Later that day her class was let out early due to snow, and she called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I ended up going, and afterwards she invited me to her place again. It didn’t take long before we had sex once again, and I ended up spending the night again. I went home the next morning, and we text all day and talked on the phone before bed.
I am never the one to initiate anything since the breakup. She is always the one to call or text me. The next day (Monday) I didn’t hear from her, but I wasn’t worried (after-all, FWB’s don’t talk everyday do they?). The next text I got from her was Tuesday night, asking if I was still alive. We ended up talking on the phone that night, where she made the comment that the phone works both ways. We talked every night that week (this was last week) and made plans to go out on Friday.
On Friday I took her to her favorite fine dining restaurant. She made a comment while we were there that assured me what she wanted to happen when we got back to her place, and I made sure that’s what happened. I have to say that the sex is better than ever, and it’s making me fall in love with her even more.
The next day she called me on her way home from class and asked me to come over. I still needed to shower, so at first I declined. After taking a shower I ended up calling her back and went over to her place around 10:30. She ended up falling asleep in my lap while watching a movie, and we went to bed shortly after without engaging in any other activities. This was the first night we slept together since the breakup without having sex (not that I didn’t want to). The next day (which was yesterday) was like any other day. I went home in the morning, and we text and talked on the phone before bed.
Am I missing something here? Is she just using me until something better comes along? I have thought about going back to no contact for a while, but I don’t want to miss out on the awesome time we’ve been having. Any girls here that can give me an idea of what’s going through her head? I really want to get past this. By the way I am 100% sure she isn’t seeing somebody else, although I did see some emails from an online dating website (your matches for the day kind of thing) in her deleted items folder while I was helping her with her computer. This could have been from the first 2 weeks of NC, or it could have been recent (I don’t know, I didn’t ask).
My options as I see them:
1. Be patient. She obviously still has feeling for me, but she is confused because only a month ago I was in a major slump and was probably very unattractive. She wants to be sure the feelings are genuine before she commits to another relationship.
2. Go back to no contact. She was feeling lonely due to the breakup, and she is using me to help her through this period. No contact was working for me, but I gave in too early. I should stay strong for a full 30 days to see if she realizes what she’s missing out on.
3. Start dating somebody else, but stay in touch. Since we are technically just friends with benefits, I am free to date whoever I want. Dating somebody else might make her realize that she wants a commitment.
4. Move on. I know I can find somebody else that I can be happy with. I just want to make sure I’m not throwing away a 3 year relationship for nothing. I am 30 years old and ready to get married and have a family. I don’t want to start having kids too late, so I need to be careful before making this decision. What if my next relationship ends after 3 years as well?
You shouldn’t be friends with benefits. Go NC. You dont owe her anything and you shouldnt be her shoulder to cry on.
Not sure what this falls under lol. It surely isn’t Death’s Door. And I wouldn’t label this as Drift too.
You gotta have one long talk with her again, and list what you expect from this relationship between you two. And if she doesn’t accept that, walk away. Don’t even hesitate. It will be as if you broke up with her. And start the NC immediately after. This time stick with it, and do date with other girls. You are free to do whatever you want. If she wants you back, and serious with relationship she will come around. Otherwise, what will you lose honestly? 3 years of yours was also 3 yours of her. If she doesn’t care as much as you do, maybe she wasn’t going to be a prime candidate for your future wife as you were thinking serious.
Thank you for the advice. I do think I should talk to her at some point and make it clear what I want. I have to admit that I really don’t want to give up the sex though, so it will be tough. On more than one occasion she has become upset with me wondering why I am making all of these changes now, instead of while we were together. This makes me think she is starting to change her mind, but I don’t know. I have to be honest I am tempted to just let this go as is, keep working on myself, and keep using it for what it is… A friend with benefits (we all know we could use one during a breakup, it just usually isn’t your ex). The problem comes from the main rule of having a friend with benefits, which is not falling in love. When one of us decides to start dating there will be a problem. Because of that I know this has to end soon… it’s one of the hardest choices I have had to make in a long time. When I really think about it, the main thing keeping my spirit up right now isn’t her, it’s knowing that I will soon be back to the old me no matter what happens.
OK, so one more question. This weekend is Valentine’s day. Diamond earrings and “the talk” or just “the talk”. Before or after fwb activities? Or are you all thinking I should do it before this weekend?
Have the talk but I don’t know about diamond earrings. It is a bit much for FWB status, don’t you think?
Anyway, you ought to control yourself. Of course sex is great, but where is self respect? She takes you for granted, and you are also taking her for granted a bit here but she holds the strings now. She broke up with you instead of communicating the problems, held on to that decision but it’s the situation where she wants have her cake and eat it too. Two weeks have already passed from what I understand in FWB, and where is the reconcilation talk? How long will this continue? You are doing much more than just being friends. Those are all couple activities, she cannot detach the emotional ties she had with you.
Have the talk, be sincere with her. Tell her that you know where the problem was in your previous relationship, and you want to make this right. Tell her that you would like to reconcile and define this relationship between you two, as you don’t want to be strung along this path going nowhere. If she says she is comfortable with just being friends, then walk away. Willingness to walk away is also attractive per Relationship Rewind.
Do it before the Valentine’s day.
in had a similar situation and it’s really hard. You want to prove to her that she is enjoying the times together which is a big bit of a relationship but you dont want her to have her cake and eat it by having all the good bit of the relationship without the commitment. It’s a hard balance To get right.
Being FWB is not the right option. Why? The girl still have feelings for you, and maybe you have too.going out with you every day, having sex, late and long conversations these things will make her love you even more and more, and than she will be hurt again. If you love her go and tell her, if no, just do not have contact anymore. One day she will realise this is wrong, and maybe she can find the best one who really knows to LOVE. one thing to mention here, your story is pretty similar to my story..I have this kind of ‘problem’ let me say, with my ex-bf. He was that one who wanted to break up and now he wants me again, in his bed, sex, but not too much conversations(texting, calling). And because I love him still I can’t deny or ignore him. tomorrow I’ m gonna meet him. tell me now you what to do ??
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