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My ex girlfriend split with me 8 weeks ago and she was in a bad place caused by me pulling away due to being depressed following her son stopping staying at his dads who abused my ex physically and mentally. I was having problems at work and not having any alone time with her just made me close up. Since the split we messaged every other day and most the time ok. She said she had to split for her mental health as she had tried telling me so many times but I just didn’t take it in. She last messaged me Monday to say messaging as pals wasn’t good for her mental health and also that I should ban myself from getting in touch with her till I’m in a good place. Is there any hope here
Yes there is a lot of hope. In fact it sounds pretty good. If she said it like that, she hasn’t closed the door on you.
You both need space and time to get yourselves back into a healthY frame of mind. Do that. If you want her back the most effective way to get her back permanently in a healthy way is to go no contact now and do not reach out to her for any reason. Let her come to you when she is ready. And, she will be ready if you give her the space, but if you don’t she will move further away from you.
In the meantime, you should focus on yourself and do things you enjoy. Take care of yourself, your appearance and your home. All that will make you feel better about yourself and more confident. This is what will make you attractive to her again.
Thanks for the response mate, my family all say to move on as she is adamant that the past should stay there and we shouldn’t be together but then she has said she wants me in her life but not till I’m in a good place
Family and friends are the worst people to get advice from on breakups. They mean well, but the problem is they are on YOUR SIDE and they have decided that she is the enemy and should be avoided at all costs. That is usually not the case in reality. Also, often family members do not actually have much experience with breakups. For example, my parents have been married for 43 years and they were high school sweethearts. They wouldn’t have the faintest idea of what a breakup is like.
Now from what you said, it sounds like your ex still loves you and hasn’t given up yet. So let’s get you in a good place. Show her respect by giving her the all space in the world. That will also show her that you are confident and secure enough with yourself to not chase her. Then focus on yourself to become happy and confident. When it was me, I started learning to play guitar. I highly recommend finding a new hobby or something you are passionate about and get out around other people as often as you can. Live life to the fullest. Humans are attracted to happy, confident people.
I’m not so sure mate she’s said we can’t get back together and stuff so often and puts up a barrier if I mention the past. I told her to block me on Facebook about a week ago cos I could see her on and it was making me think she was after other blokes and she went mad and said I’d really pissed her off with my jealousy and it’s really inappropriate and that if I want to message about stupid stuff like that then do it to my friends not her. We were connected but not friends as she has come off Facebook when we were together due to her anxiety so all I couldn’t see anything but it was playing on my mind badly
I should of said she has been on meds for anxiety and depression for a few years to and me pulling away from her made her really ill and close to self harming so I’ve always said I understand why she broke up with me as it had gone bad but I just know we are meant to be. We both said we fell madly in love with each other on the first date. It’s so sad that circumstances and lack of communication has killed the best thing I’ve ever had
I have seen this many many times. It is a very familiar pattern. What she says in the moment is how she feels at that moment. That feeling in that moment will change if you play your cards right. That is why we use no contact. She has to feel the consquenses of the breakup and feel your absense long enough for her to start missing you and remember the good things about you.
If you want your ex back, don’t contact her again for any reason. Focus on yourself and you will become attractive to her and any other woman. If you don’t want to see her Facebook posts, unfriend her and stop looking.
If she gets into a rebound relationship that can actually help you. She is only in it to try to hide and avoid her feelings for you. She will be comparing him to you and he won’t be measuring up. However, if you don’t give her all the space in the world, you will push her further into his arms.
When you don’t contact her, she is going to wonder why. Then she is going to worry that you are moving on or that you already met someone new. As the person who did the breaking up, she has the power and thinks you are on her hook and she can come back anytime she wants. But, when she starts seeing that you are not on her hook any more and that you can actually move on, she will panic, because she doesn’t want to lose her safety net. She will resist for as long as she can, but if you remain no contact her fears and anxieties will overpower her stubbornness.
I promis you, this method works almost every time. If you don’t give her the breakup and stay no contact until she contacts you, I can almost guarantee you will lose her for good.
She’s said to not contact her till I’m in a good place, with her anxiety and depression and her general mental health she will never contact me as she has made the decision to breakup due to my behaviour putting her into a very bad way. I guess I’ll just have to get myself right and then contact her. I’ve gone a week without contact and i do feel better for it. I just hope she doesn’t get with someone else but she said a couple of weeks ago she just wants to be on her own with her son and animals. She used to say to me all the time she’s rubbish at relationships and that she’s a bad girlfriend which I know is a common trait with people with mental health problems as they feel they are not worthy of being loved etc, this is what plays on their mind and because I became distant and not supportive it drove us apart and we lost the intimacy and everything and this started last September up to when we split first week in March.
A week is not long enough. If you are going to do it this way, at least go a few months. You cannot control this or reason your way out of it. It would be best to just concentrate on yourself and not worry about what she is doing and who she is with.
Depression and anxiety are symptoms, not causes. They are often part of a much more complex personality disorder or mental issue. Of the list criteria points below, do you feel she meets at least 5 out of 9 of them?
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I believe that the chances are good that no contact will bring any ex back, even one who struggles with mental problems provided that there was not cheating, drugs or abuse in that relationship.
Yes I’d say so, she’s had anxiety and depression for at least 4 years and is on medication and regularly went to counselling. She’s obviously happy without as I have been the cause of making her feeling bad again. At least she’s left the door open in a sense as her last message said “I think it’s best if you ban yourself from getting in touch with me until you’re in a good place” this is what I’m going to do it’s my only option
I agree. It sounds like she left the door open for you. That is basically the dumper’s speak for “I am not sure I really want to break up, give me time without you to figure it out.” So work on yourself is always a good idea. Give it a good amount of time. A couple months at least and then contact her. I have a feeling she is going to contact you first.
The trouble with anxiety and depression is they can say one thing and mean another. She has always messaged me back and this has been every other day but I have upset her a few times with messages and in person when I have been bringing up the past in these last 8 weeks before I went no contact. Just want to get her out my head and get myself straight now as it’s affecting my work and how I am with my kids. This has been bad for them two as they miss her and her son
All the more reason to stay no contact. It will help you get your head clear and give her time to get over any hurt or resentment your words caused her to feel. If she contacts you, don’t bring up the past and keep the conversation casual.
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