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Boards Reconciliation Ex has new partner, still ‘loves me’ and more complications!

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #112010
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    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    So. What a mess I have got myself into.

    My marriage has been slowly breaking up for years. I became close to someone else and despite us trying to stay apart, we fell hard for each other. For several years. We didn’t meet up that much (to avoid physical stuff) but she knew my marriage was ending and I knew she was waiting. We were in contact a lot by text, calls etc.

    For the last 6 months, I’ve had little contact while I’ve been going through the final stages and moving out. It took a long time and I broke deadlines. I knew she was dating at Xmas, but nothing serious and she let me know that. She was just giving up on me and I couldn’t blame her.

    So, I finally move out, get my head straight and drop her a text. But now, she’s changed her mind. It’s been too long, she’s seeing someone else and is happy. She still is excited about the thought of being with me, and says she still loves me and always will (we also talked quite a bit). She’s angry & sad this has happened like this. A couple of months ago would have been fine, apparently, but because it took so long she doubts how I felt & gave up.

    I know I’ve done things that are wrong here & probably deserve nothing. I had my chance & blew it. I’ve been unfair to lots of people. But I do love her. I have for years. She won’t say how serious the new partner is, he isn’t on her social media anywhere. Naturally I compare badly in my head…! I’ve said how I feel, asked if I have a chance still. She’s said ‘I can’t control how you feel’, ‘Who knows what will happen’ and ‘Who can say what life holds for us’ etc

    Now I am hanging on to that glimmer of hope.

    I figured I’d go NC for a few weeks but I have been largely NC for a few months! I was a bit needy when I got in touch, and probably a little angry. It was a shock, I thought wed be together. Then I sent a long text (or 2!) explaining I won’t give up on this and will try to make it happen.

    So. Do I need to prove how I feel or just back off for a bit?

    What a fool.

    #112015
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    You have said how you feel and it sounds like she needs to get her head straight. So that is what no contact is for.

    Believe me it is hard. I have been doing no contact for only 2.5 days and it is killing me! If she has those strong feelings for you then she will come to you.

    #112020
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    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1939

    I’m assuming it’s your wife you want back? If so and since you’ve been in no contact for several months, ask her if she is willing to attend marriage counseling with you.

    #112023
    Avatar
    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Thanks for the replies. Nope the marriage is over, it has been for a long time but was a slow disintegration. Sorry, I wasn’t clear.

    It’s the woman I’ve been avoiding during the marriage break up I want. It was the right thing to do at the time, and she waited and waited. I took too long I guess. She started seeing someone else and although says she says she still loves me, doesn’t feel it’s right to leave him for me. And she’s kinda happy with how her life is and given I’m post break up, probably obviously an emotional mess!
    I haven’t seen her, I’ve told her how strongly I feel and that I’ll wait for he, try & win her back. That I don’t want anyone else. And she’s being friendly but ‘can’t promise anything, ‘who knows what will happen’ kinda thing.
    Maybe it’s a bit of a test, not sure.

    Gamecoder I’m sure you’re right, thanks for the encouragement. I should really lie low. Naturally I’m obsessed with her social media (and her new BF’s) so it is really hard. Does NC also mean stop that too?! 🙂 We really did have such a strong bond for years (over 5!) so I really hope it’s a temporary thing. Good luck with yours, another day notched up?

    #112024
    Avatar
    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Honestly, with the final marriage split and missing the kids, I needed her more than ever. And now she’s gone too! I realise this is probably what I deserve but I’ve never felt more lost.

    #112028
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    Yes NC is to stop looking on social media lol. If you feel tempted to stalk her or new BF then focus on something else. The temptation will lessen over time. I wish there was a magic potion for this but it is just something that you have to endure.

    My wife and I were married for 10 years and when we broke up I felt angry, hurt, lost etc. But, like what other people have said on this site, long term relationships are not something that are thrown away easily. If she does have those strong feelings for you then she still will

    I’m on 2 days, 16h 59m but who’s counting right? 🙂

    #112031
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    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Thanks for the words of encouragement. So, really? Not even looking at their Instagram profiles? I’ve been doing that a lot.
    That’s even tougher! Didn’t realise that’s Contact.
    Ok. Maybe that was
    obvious. I guess I haven’t started yet then. I start now.
    You’re doing well 🙂

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Avatar freddie77.
    #112039
    Avatar
    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    Well it’s not to do with NC but rather so you stop obsessing over them and trying to decipher what each message (or lack of messages) means.

    I’ve been looking on facebook and seeing how long ago my ex was last on and wondering if she noticed when I was last on. It’s a slippery slope.

    #112042
    Avatar
    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Yep, that sounds very familiar. We used to openly look on WhatsApp to see when we were last on, try and catch each other at the same time. ‘Check in’ first thing and last thing every day. I’ve managed to completely stop that.

    Still checking their Instagrams though! 🙁

    It’s hard. Social media is no help.

    #112063
    Avatar
    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    Yes I agree. Social media can play very big tricks on the mind. But social media only shows us what the people want us to see i.e. only the highlights of their life, not the low points.

    If you have managed to stop checking in then that’s a good thing. It will leave her wondering about you and what you are doing.

    If you can control yourself and stay strong then checking Instagram should be OK. Perhaps there is a setting which hides your last login time. I have just done that on Facebook.

    My ex and I are not big social media people. The last activity for her was in February, when she updated her profile picture. The last major activity for me was in January when I posted photos of my holiday. So she won’t be looking to social media trying to figure out what I am up to. Also updates for myself would be out of character.

    #112156
    Avatar
    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Well I’m doing ok with NC but I’m getting so many doubts. She’s with someone else instead of me so given the choice she’d rather be with him. So what am I doing?! Just waiting for nothing?! Or at best as 2nd choice?
    🙁

    #112162
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    Lee Brads
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 44

    Walk away mate keep your dignity and self worth, get out with mates and enjoy yourself dude

    #112165
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    I agree. Get out and enjoy yourself. That’s the main thing for NC is to work on yourself.

    #112234
    Avatar
    freddie77
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 7

    Thanks fellas. Keep you posted

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