July 12, 2020 at 10:45 pm #115278
I hope you can help, my situation is slightly different:
We were together 2 years and I was the “Dumper” (end of January) I recognise the reasons why I did it (poor communication & insecurity) and we did try and reconcile but then I found out that she’d slept with someone else the night before we were due start our clean slate (March). I didn’t handle it well and give her the house keys back.
We still stayed in contact and even hung out afterwards,seeing each other at least once a week. After a few months I said I’d be willing to start again but she said she’d started seeing other people and that she just wants to be friends. She then said it’d take months of friendship before she could trust me again having left her originally.
At that point I started the No Contact rule (June), she said that by doing that I was running away (again) and not the best way to go about things if I wanted to get back with her. To me it sounded like she wanted the best of both worlds.
I did break the No Contact rule and she did respond, but the response was that I needed the no contact to get used to the fact we’d just be friends. I had arranged for flowers to be sent to her on her birthday (end of July) but I’ve cancelled them to respect the no contact. (Currently 10 days NC)
I thought I’d highlight this as I’ve seen in the comments a lot of people hating on the Dumper, when in my case I genuinely made a mistake and panicked. Even if we don’t get back together I will learn from this experience and become a better person.
Am I taking the correct steps? What would you say my chances are?July 13, 2020 at 11:45 am #115295
@Dave88 It’s not clear exactly what you mean by “poor communication + insecurity”, who displayed those traits and how they were displayed.. can you give examples?
I think it’s a very bad sign that she slept with someone else the night before starting a clean slate. Obviously she wasn’t interested in or serious about getting back together.
You wrote:”I didn’t handle it well and give her the house keys back”. This is confusing. Did you live together in her house?
You wrote:”when in my case I genuinely made a mistake and panicked”. What was the mistake and why did you panic (about what?).
Using no contact if you need time to cope with the breakup and possible friendship is okay. But she seems to think you have a better chance at reconciliation if you are friends with her. A deeper discussion is needed at some point about what went wrong and what you both intend to do to fix it.July 13, 2020 at 12:17 pm #115297
Great name by the way, same as my mums!
The mistake was me leaving her in January. I displayed poor communication, rather than question her I just agreed. For example: we had a dog and I did everything for the dog, fed, walked, trained and toilet duties. The idea was that we’d walk the dog together, she stopped coming and I never pushed her to come with me or ask why she didn’t want to. The same goes for her effort with my family, we saw her parents at least once every two weeks. When I suggested seeing my mum, there was a tut, sign or an eye roll. I should’ve challenged it. Then if I was seeing friends (just the guys Once a month or 6 weeks) she’d have an issue with it because she’d say to me “what am I meant to do?”. We pretty much lived in each other’s pockets and I felt trapped, she doesn’t have a big social circle and I always included her with my friends and couple events. I should’ve been honest and spoken with her about it, instead of just calling it quits in January. This was partly down to my insecurity of thinking we could argue and thinking she would leave me so I did it first.
In terms of the house, we were living together. After we split in January, we still saw each other a lot and didn’t have a proper break, I was helping her with the dog. So I suggested doing 3 dates to try and work things out, but it was too fresh and it didn’t work. Despite her saying she wanted it to work, she spent most of the time texting on her phone when we were together. I saw it as a lack of effort on her part and we didn’t do the 3rd date.
Her defence to the March incident was “we weren’t together”, that date had already been arranged prior to our conversation about a clean slate and that she did it to “prove to herself that she didn’t care if I dumped her again”.
We still “hung out” until June and went walking with the dog, I sorted a flat tyre for her and cut the grass twice for her.
That’s when I told her this is daft it’s like we’re still together and asked if we should get back together. Her response was she’s started seeing other people and just wants to be friends so removed myself and started no contact.
I have a feeling you’re going to say cut your losses here……July 13, 2020 at 12:40 pm #115298
@Dave88 Wow, my youngest son’s name is David..
Yes, it might be wise to cut your losses because it sounds like you two weren’t very compatible and she displayed very selfish behaviors.
Good communication is essential in a good relationship. By always voicing your concerns and calmly discussing them together, issues can usually be worked through together.
2 years is a rather long time and I wonder if you thought of leaving her sooner than you did? Always keep in mind that when a person isn’t happy in a relationship, something needs to be done to resolve the issues or sometimes leaving is the best solution if the other person doesn’t want to do anything to make improvements.July 13, 2020 at 12:53 pm #115299
I’d thought about it round Xmas when she had an issue with my mum and brother just popping round for a bit in the day, (her parents were already round). She only got Xmas day and Boxing Day off work and she didn’t want to spend them seeing family (I know).
I’m guilty of being a people pleaser and when she was unhappy from October onwards because of someone bullying her at work it got to me because I tried too hard to make her happy and nothing worked, so got disheartened. When we split in January she said she’d been suffering with depression but didn’t want to admit how much it’d gotten to her. I saw that as a guilt trip to try and make me stay.
Time is great healer, doing No Contact and feeling a lot better than when I first posted. I wouldn’t have done what she did (slept with someone else the night before I’m meant to start again with someone you claim to love and been together 2 years) but maybe that’s just me.
I’m thinking of not even contacting her when the NC ends, too much has happened and time apart will do us both good. She might even miss me, but I doubt it haha.
Thanks PatriciaJuly 13, 2020 at 2:26 pm #115300
@Dave88 Sounds like you were trying to be supportive when she had the bullying problem at work and yet it would’ve been up to her to resolve the work issue herself. I don’t know what else she would’ve been depressed about.. yes, maybe she said that as a ploy (manipulation) so you would feel sorry for her and stay. And since you two spent much more time with her parents, it would have been the considerate thing to do to graciously spend some time with your family!
If she wanted to reconcile with you, she would not have slept with the other guy. Most people would have cancelled that date as you would have.
Yes, time apart might help her to remember the better times with you and reconsider, or it might not.
In the future, try to resolve problems in a relationship in a timely manner, otherwise, resentments build up. A person who cares about you will be willing to compromise..
You seem like a very nice guy and whatever happens, I wish you the best.
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