Domestic violence, ex left, 9 days NC

[jade1996]

Hi everyone this is a long one. my boyfriend and I were together for 2 years we had our minor issues but never anything we couldn’t solve but overall our relationship was great, full of passion, lots in common and just so much fun. For context purposes he is 22 I’m 23 despite my bf’s age he’s very mature. His dad walked out on his family at a young age and he was to step up and be the provider and protecter.

Anyway last year August my dad passed away suddenly. My mums American and she lives there so when my dad passed she had to take my sister with her cause she’s a minor.

I stayed here for the sake of my relationship and education and we began living together.

I never really thought about it now but I believe it’s to do with grief but I became a really aggressive and hysterical person I didn’t know how to handle my all emotions and it turned to violence I think since August I’ve hit him on 3 different occasions, I’ve broken up to 3 tv monitors and I never understood why I did it, I even put it down to my birth control and thought maybe it was hormones but I never considered grief I don’t think anyone did.

Any way he forgave me all those times and our relationship was actually heading in a really good direction we spoke about our future and all these plans we had and it was great.

Then we got into a minor argument one day something so small and I lashed out and punched him twice in the face he had enough. He packed his stuff and moved out.

We spoke and he said he wanted to end it after what I did and of course I did all the begging and crying and he was like we at least need a break so you can sort yourself out and he can get over what happened and I was like okay.

But instead of working on myself I really just became a toxic person I just begged all day everyday for about 3 weeks straight I didn’t give him time or space to figure things out I tried to rush him and force him to getting back with me.

We actually hung out a few times after that we still slept together went out for my birthday so in my head we were still together cause there were so many mixed signals.

Anyway I found out though snooping that he was on bumble (an app similar to tinder) I also found the girl who he was in contact with (by the time I had found out they had been messaging for a week) I made the mistake of contacting her and telling her everything. she said she would let him know that she could no longer talk to him after finding all of this out and how she didn’t want to get involved in all this drama. I was happy.

However it backfired, I don’t know what he told her but she ended up blocking me and she added him back on social media.

As he was staying at mine that same weekend (after me begging) and went to work from my place he came back that same night and got the rest of his stuff and before he left he told me to delete his number.

I don’t know why but he took everything accept for his tv monitor as he said he was bothered to take it. We haven’t spoke since it’s been 7 days. I asked to be forgiven for another chance he says no and I’ve promised him so many things I’ll do differently and he says it’s not that he doesn’t believe me it’s the fact that he doesn’t want to give me another chance he’s given me too many.

I’m not sure what to do as this point I pushed him away and I don’t know if he’s coming back. He spoke to my cousin about a week and a bit ago and he said he still loves me and he will never forget me but he can’t be in a relationship with me.. I’m about to start my first session of therapy tomorrow.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Seth]

Your rage and violent reactions are a big and serious problem. Simply put, you are not ready to be in a relationship until you get professional help for your anger problems before you seriously injure someone. Whether it is grief, horomones or anything else doesn’t matter. You are punching him in the face and it will not just stop if he comes back. You will not suddenly be all better without professional help.

I am glad to see you are starting therapy. Please stick with it. Do not think about getting back with your ex until you are in a better place. Much better place.

I have no doubt that you are a good person and have potential to be happy. I want that for you. What you described shows signs of serious emotional problems and lack of impulse control when you are angry. Why you feel this way, is not your fault, but you must get help and learn to control it so that you can be happy.

What you described about your ex shows signs of co-dependency. He will almost definitely be back, because he also has a low self image and is addicted to the highs of the relationship so much that he forgets the lows. I hope I am wrong and he doesn’t come back until after you complete therapy. Because I have little doubt that you will continue hitting him. If you really love him, don’t let him come back until your therapist says you are ready.

I always maintain that any relationship can be saved provided that cheating, drugs, alcohol or physical abuse aren’t part of the dynamic.

[Author]

Posts