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Boards Reconciliation Does the elephant in the room letter make sense if you already contact them?

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #115008
    Avataraguyhere
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    I was in a 6 year live-in relationship and one day my ex just left a note.

    I sent her a message 2 months later apologizing and saying I missed here.
    At 3 months I sent a message saying some changes I could make if we got back together.

    I realize now I shouldn’t have over apologized, said I missed her, or tried to get back together with 1 message.

    I also sent 2 light messages.
    She didn’t reply to any.

    Now it’s 4 1/2 months. I’m wondering if the elephant in the room message would make the most sense. I’d say I accept the breakup because I didn’t realize the problems we had and list the key problems: which were that I needed to communicate more and how I realized was often in a bad mood because I wasn’t drinking enough water, and say I’d like to hear from her if she’s comfortable like the elephant in the room examples show.

    The other thing I was thinking of trying was the Al Turtle approach, where I’d write a simple message, not mention the relationship, and just mention some self-improvement (drinking water, communication or whatever) in each message.

    When to Fold ’Em?

    Which seems like it would work better in my case?

    #115015
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2668

    @aguyhere Did she give you exact reasons for the breakup? Not responding to any of the messages is a bad sign. You’ve already apologized, told her you missed her, and told her of the changes you’ve made. At this point you don’t have anything to lose by sending the elephant in the room letter, but if she doesn’t respond to that either, it would be time to move on.

    Six years is a long time relationship so it’s difficult to understand why she left you. But bad moods (anger) could be a major factor! Not drinking enough water is not a good excuse! Maybe you should think about getting professional therapy..

    People want to be happy in relationships, but being with a person who is frequently in a bad mood only causes unhappiness.

    #115019
    Avataraguyhere
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    Well, I think the biggest problem was communication. In her note, she assumed that I didn’t want to marry or have kids since we hadn’t talked about that. And she just left a note, so we never got to talk about it. I know I need to work on communicating much better in the future.

    At the end, we were both sick, and I wasn’t treating her as well because I was sick, tired, and dehydrated.

    The question is whether I’m better off with another elephant in the room message or sending some light messages that don’t seem so relationship focused where I talk about my self-improvement with how I’m feeling better when I drink more water and what I’m learning about being a better communicator.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avataraguyhere.
    #115021
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2668

    @aguyhere Six years and not engaged or married is unusual. Why didn’t you talk about it?

    You say “at the end” you were both sick and you weren’t treating her well. What about all the other many years prior to that? And when you say communication was your problem, what do you mean by that? Any examples?

    What would your elephant in the room letter look like? You’ve already sent 2 light messages and she didn’t respond, but if you didn’t include self improve changes then go ahead. However the water excuse is flimsy.

    #115022
    Avataraguyhere
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    We really didn’t communicate that well about a lot of things. I realize now that she had trouble communicating because of her attachment type, but I also was a poor communicator. She needed a lot of her alone time because of her attachment type, and we just never talked about marriage.

    The water thing is genuine. I was also thinking a lot about death at the time, which didn’t help. I really wasn’t taking care of myself which hurt both of us, and I know I can do better in the future.

    I also sent a letter apologizing and saying I’d miss her and another with changes I’d make, but they were too focused on trying to get back together with her and mentioned a lot of things, while now I’ve realized that the communication and my crankiness are the 2 main issues.

    I’ve learned since I sent those first 2 messages that it’s better to not be so focused on trying to get back with 1 message or something crazy like that. Perhaps it would help if mention that that I accept the breakup because I needed it open my eyes to the problems we had. But on the other hand, maybe a light message where I mention the water issue and another light message where I mention how I’m learning to communicate better would seem more causal and work better.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avataraguyhere.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avataraguyhere.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avataraguyhere.
    #115026
    Avataraguyhere
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    The basic outline of my elephant in the room letter would be

    Agree that I needed the breakup to realize problems that I don’t want to ever make again in a future relationship

    Mention how I needed to communicate, listen, validate better to resolve issues.

    Mention water thing, and apologize for being so cranky.

    Say I want to talk without any pressure but understand if she’s not comfortable with that now.

    Alternately I’d just write 2 fun messages, 1 with the water thing, and 1 about how I just realized I’m bad a poor communicator.

    #115028
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2668

    @aguyhere The water thing and stating you were a poor communicator don’t sound like fun messages.

    The elephant in the room letter sounds very similar to the “fun messages”.

    Just send one message and include everything you want to say in it..

    #115029
    Avataraguyhere
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 5

    Well, I wouldn’t say as much if they were just part of a short message. I’m just concerned about sending another long message when I already sent two. Now I regret those two messages and they didn’t really follow the elephant in the room format, but they did apologize and say how I’d change.

    Is it pretty useful to say I accept the breakup and am making these changes for future relationships like the elephant in the room format suggests? Because I think the issue is that she probably doesn’t really trust I’d make the changes since we were together so long.

    #115030
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2668

    @aguyhere Saying you “accept the breakup” sounds like you’re not concerned about it. Better to say you understand why she broke up with you. Making changes for future relationships? That sounds like you want to makes changes for someone else.

    An elephant in the room letter doesn’t have to be long.. But do whatever you think best.

    Good luck.

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