Did I Blow it?

[richdeniro]

Started seeing a woman in January and we mutually (more her than me but I agreed) decided to end it around a month ago because we just felt our circumstances weren’t right. She is 45 and I am 38, she has three kids so she felt she was holding me back from dating people my own age and the chance to start a family. She wanted to remain friends though and I agreed.
I didn’t realise how much I loved her until a few days of not seeing her, I told her that I would need some time out from us at this point if we were to remain friends and so blocked her on whatsapp and my phone.
After month of no contact I messaged her on Facebook last week and asked how she was doing, she said she was doing really well and had started seeing someone new and had gotten together with him literally a week after we broke up, it turns out it was an ex of hers who she had been seeing for a month last year, around 4-5 months before we got together. I’ve seen the guys Facebook and he is the exact opposite to me. I am quite well spoken, have a professional job, quite sensitive, no real baggage and like to think of myself as a half decent guy. Obviously I’m being a bit judgmental going off someones FB page so I hope you’ll forgive me but this guy has a lot of tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women, looks to have a non secure labouring type job, posts overtly right-wing/slightly racist posts/memes and from my first impressions is perhaps one of those alpha male types.
This was like taking a bullet and I pretended for a few days I was ok, responding to her messages normally but it became too hard and I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves.
I left it 24 hours and she didn’t respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook.
Obviously I am going no contact now and haven’t really put a timescale on when I will get back in touch with her, if I do at all and just wanted some advice and insight from the outside about the whole thing really. I feel like she will eventually reach out to me but that could be months away although she would have to use someone elses phone or post me a letter as she has no real digital way of contacting me now.

[patricia12]

If you want to have your own children, then maybe this breakup was for the best in the long run. I guess it’s human nature to compare yourself to the other guy, but you don’t know the whole story or why she might be attracted to him. If you think about it logically, you didn’t know her long enough to develop strong feelings of real love. Surely you miss her and apparently had some good times together etc..but that’s not love. I suggest you move on and if or when she contacts you, deal with it at that time.
Best wishes.

[Amanda7714]

So you were dating at least 3 months? I believe that is an acceptable amount of time to know if you love someone. Everyone is different. Some know in a month, others it takes six months.

However, the kid thing can be a deal breaker and thats something none of us can tell you decide on. If you really want your own one day, then you’ll have to let her go for good because that will never work and in the end you’d resent her. So just be sure first.

Second, You didn’t really have to send her the email but I’ve some stuff like that in the past and i don’t think its a deal breaker unless you do it multiple times.

It’s a bit unrealistic to expect her to reach out though if you’ve blocked her from EVERYTHING. Thats asking too much because if it were me at that point I would believe you didn’t want to hear from me ever. Why else go to such extremes? Shes in a rebound relationship now so those usually dont last, but if her facebook does bother you I would keep that blocked. For the record, never ask for info about an exes new partner. It’ll make you nuts. And try to avoid looking at their full profiles cause you’ll go into investigation mode.
I think you should unblock her number so that if in time she wants to call or text, you will get it. If it’s months away so be it, but try to wait as long as possible before deciding to reach out again yourself. Throwing feels at people just makes them run. You have to just make them comfortable and feel like you don’t want anything more than that.

[richdeniro]

I met up with her yesterday and we ended up back at mine and had sex, she stayed the night and it was really lovely and intimate. I walked her home earlier and we held hands, kissed, etc.

However we didn’t discuss the messages I sent her, how I feel about her and I didn’t ask if she was still seeing the other guy or anyone else.

Now confused as to what it all means.

[Amanda7714]

Well the book says not to do that until you’re sure you can trust the other person again. If you haven’t talked about it meaning anything significant then it may not be the situation you want.

[patricia12]

I think it was a mistake to have sex without resolving the issues beforehand. I just hope you used protection (a condom) because she’s been with the tattoo guy who has been with many women.

“Friends” don’t have sex unless it’s a friends with benefits situation which I don’t think you want. You need to have a conversation with her and if she’s still with the other guy, try to move on..

[richdeniro]

Going through the breakup a second time now which feels even worse. Sorry for posting here again but I just feel I need to tell someone even if it is just a internet message board.

We met up again back at the beginning of June as my last post above alludes to and were been seeing each other casually, she assured me she wasn’t seeing anyone else in that time but things felt different to how they were before.

She would be online on whatsapp in the evenings for long periods and despite me sending messages and seeing her online would take forever to respond to them. When we went out she would take every opportunity when I went to the loo or to the bar to get back on whatsapp and when she was staying at mine would lean forward so I couldn’t see who she was messaging. I called her up on it and she would tell me it’s nothing and that I was overthinking.

Anyway, long story short I was certain she was in at least an emotional relationship with someone or maybe a few other guys and just couldn’t get past it as it just felt so much more different to before when I did feel like I was the only guy for her and would be the first one she messaged in the morning and last thing at night.

We met up for a drink two weeks ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.

And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply. A couple of days ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. I guess it’s probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she’ll get back in touch with me at some point again? Currently on day 12 of no contact. I don’t know what I’ll do if she does.

[patricia12]

I’m very sorry to say, but she’s done with you in as far as a romantic relationship is concerned. She
contacted someone else in your presence (which was rude) and yet said you were overthinking, which shows she has no real regard for your feelings or dignity.

I might also say that I think it’s insensitive of her to ask you to participate in a word game, knowing you don’t want her as a casual friend. You are hurting, she is not. Lick your wounds and stop obsessing about her! Start dating nice girls your own age when you’re ready.

If she contacts you, write back that you’re done and ask her to not contact you again!

I’m sorry this happened to you, but you still have the rest of your life to live. Make better choices in the future as to what you want and need in a mutually loving relationship.

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