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Hi Liz,
It seems to me u keep urself in this vicious circle which doesnt help/improve the situation at all…He broke ur heart, walked all over ur emotions, moved on with another girl and u go to cut his hair, drive him around to his work, to his mum, u go to his sons game etc… Why would u do that? U are forgetting how horrible he has been to you and u are not together anymore… And everytime u stay close to him u end up feeling hurt over and over again…Yes you may also have spent some quality time as well but for how long?
Whats his mother has been telling u is right. You need to spend sometime apart and he has to make up his mind… You need to give him sometime to think. And meanwhile you need to think as well if this guy is still the person u want to be with…this is not all about what he wants. You also need to evaluate if u want to stay with a guy who had been treating u like this…he might be crying, saying he loves u etc but this doesnt change the current situation that u are in… He has not done anything solid to change the situation. He is still with someone else!!
I think u should take a step back. Keep away from him..Its ur life and u are in charge of it but i think u should not always listen ur heart. Its time to listen to ur logic as well…Thursday morning, he sent me a few long texts saying that he’s choosing the other girl. He said that she’s not me and she’s boring and she’s a pushover and all of that other stuff, but that she’s security and safety. He doesn’t have to worry about upsetting her or if she might try to hurt him. (Because she literally doesn’t care about anything at all). And he said that he loves me and he’ll forever be bonded to me since we’re family and all of this other stuff. And I told him that the guy I’m seeing is safety and security… but I would still choose my best friend. I would still choose the person I have an actual connection with and not just the “safe option”. He said it was really sweet and he’ll keep it in mind and whatever. He said that he doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision but only time will tell and he’s worried it might be too late for us when he realizes it but that it’s a risk he has to take or some bullshit.
So later that day I needed to buy some clothes for my new job and my ex offered to tag along since I’m awful at it. Well I ended up spending the entire afternoon and night with him. It was really nice and we just enjoyed each other. I let him initiate all the physical contact and all of that stuff. We woke up the next morning and he said he wanted to stop hurting me and I told him that I already knew he was never coming back so it doesn’t hurt that I’m just trying to enjoy every last second I get with him.
I went to his son’s piano recital last night and I think it’s the last time I’ll see any of them. My ex is closing on our house this upcoming week and I feel very bitter over it. I’m mainly just sad. I’m so incredibly sad that I have to let him go. I don’t want to and I don’t know how I’m going to. I wish there was something I could do to get him to come back but I don’t see it.
Sorry to hear that Liz…
To me it looks like he is still confused with his decision.
Pls try not to think about if its the last time u will see him or not. You are just hurting urself like this. Noone knows what will happen.
I suggest u give a break from him. I am not saying a month, i dont think this rule applies to every occasion. Aim something shorter, like 2 weeks.
Give him some space to think.
In my opinion its irrelevant whats going on with the house or with the other girl, if by time, he realizes that he can not afford to lose u, he will come back.
But u need to stay away from him so he can see how his life is going to be without u…So I’m sure this means nothing but I think it sparked an idea in my head.
So I was on Facebook and my ex’s new girl (Amanda), was on. So I went to her page. And then I went to her ex fiance’s page (Andrew). So Andrew posted something two weeks ago that said, “The best kind of people are the ones that come into your life, and make you see the sun where you once saw the clouds. The people that believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people that love you, simply for being you. The once in a lifetime kind of people.” And so one of Andrew’s family members commented “This describes Amanda to a T!” And then I saw Amanda commented back “This describes my Andy to a T.”
Now to me… that sounds like she might still have some feelings for him. I mean they were together for 5 1/2 years. My ex told me the reason why Amanda and Andrew split is because Andrew came home with a girl one day and said they were going to have sex and Amanda could join if she wanted. Amanda agreed to an open relationship (because what a fucking pushover) until she realized she didn’t. So that’s why they broke up one month ago and why she sought out my ex. But I don’t believe that she could just stop loving him that soon. Do you think if I was honest with Amanda and told her about how much sex my ex and I have been having and the things he’s said about her, that maybe she’d leave my ex? That maybe I could have a chance? The ONLY reason my ex isn’t coming back is because he thinks a future with her might be better than a future with me. He doesn’t want to pass up an opportunity for possible something greater. Which I understand because I feel it a little bit with my new guy.
Maybe I’m just getting too hopeful that this will fizzle out. I mean they both obviously love and care for their ex’s still so how could they form a true relationship out of that?? Even if I don’t have sex with my ex, he still kisses me. He still says he loves me. Still grabs my hand or my thigh to hold. I mean the other night we went to dinner and he sat right beside me and our waiter was gushing about how sweet we look together. I just can’t help but feel like i have a chance here but I’m blowing it.
OH! I FORGOT TO MENTION! Earlier in the week, we spent the night together and the next day he didn’t have to work so we went on a little hike to a place we’ve never been. And while we were walking, we started talking about something we always used to talk about. Which is how I want to be proposed to. I always told my ex that I wanted it to be simple. With or with out a ring. And I don’t want it to be a big deal. So I elaborated the other day that I envisioned like we’re making breakfast together or we’re dancing in the living room or maybe we’re showering together and he just asks me, “will you marry me?” or “let’s get married”. And I couldn’t describe why and then he says “Because it’s intimate. Those are the small moments where you realize how much you love your partner and blah blah blah” He went on for a little while and I totally agreed that it was the intimacy of the moment.
So I drove him to his mom’s that night and the next morning we woke up an hour earlier than we needed to and we were talking and laughing and having a great time and then he got this huge smile on his face. I asked him “what?” and he said “I don’t think I should say it.” And i said “Oh come on…” And he said “I was just thinking this right here would be a perfect time to ask you to marry me”. And I told him “That’s exactly how it should be done…”. And that was that. So tell me why ONE WEEK AGO he says that to me and now he’s choosing her? Someone who can’t differentiate between “to” and “too”? Someone who is boring (my ex’s words not mine)?
Ex sent me a lengthy text telling me that he’s not confused on who he wants. He said he loves me like he loves his ex wife. That he would never consider coming back even if him and Amanda don’t work out. The guy I’m seeing just got a new promotion and he’s asked me to move states with him at the end of July. I’m going to accept the offer. My ex and I will clearly never be getting back together and I can’t bear to be in this city and have all of these memories anymore. Thank you to those who have talked to me on here. But I think this is where our journey ends.
Hi Liz, i am genuinly sorry to hear that.
I wish the best of luck to you in your new life…
I hope this new guy makes u even happier..
U deserve a good family man who will stand by you no matter what happens.
I undertand u wouldnt want to visit this page anymore and focus on ur new life. But i hope u would take the time in the future and update us about ur new life …
Take care of urself…So a lot has happened in the past month and week…
Basically we’ve been getting closer and closer. You wouldn’t even think we were broken up with how we act. The past two weeks or so we’ve spent almost every single night together. We’ve been doing so well and he’s still seeing that girl but he had been ignoring her a bit and focusing more on me.
Last week my ex said that he was feeling like he wanted/needed to come back to me. He said that he loves me and misses me and just feels like he needs to come back but doesn’t know how. He also said that he’s very hesitant to do anything right now because he’s worried that if he leaves her and comes back to me, our relationship will just be shit. He’s worried that I haven’t made the changes I need to. Well we were getting really close to getting back together when his girl texted me. She asked if we could meet up to talk.
So she comes over and she starts going on this shit about how my ex is unhappy with me and that I need to stop talking to him and calling on him because he wants her and not me and all this. Well I had enough and I started laughing and told her she needs to talk to him because that’s not what I’m hearing. Well the ex got pissed. He said that I wasn’t letting him do it his way and that now he’ll never come back. He said a lot of hurtful things. That was a few days ago. Now we’re kinda getting back along together.
The last two nights though he’s been making comments saying he wishes we had kept the baby and he wishes I was pregnant right now. He told me to stop taking my birth control so we can have a child. And then a few hours later he told me to keep taking it. This morning he asks if I took it last night and I said that I did and he said that he would’ve been excited if I said no…
My ex has also been freaking out lately. If I’m not home when he gets off of work or whenever he’s done playing around with her, he’ll text me and call me trying to figure out where I am. He’s clearly upset about it. But I’ll come home and he’ll just leave a little bit later.
I’m very confused on what my next steps should be. Part of me wants to keep holding on to the hope that he’s coming back. And the other part of me wants to just leave him behind. It’s really hard to keep doing this and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I can’t tell if he’s just trying to keep me around or if he genuinely has feelings of coming back to me.
Hey Liz! Wow so you and him are still involved with each other? I honestly thought you had closed the door on him because your last post sounded so final! He’s still in love with you-that’s pretty obvious. He’s one of these guys that will deny what he’s feeling and will date others. Your bond is way to strong too split. You are very emotionally attached to each other and it’s impossible to break that.
New girl coming to talk to you is because she is extremely threatened by you. She must sense that he can’t break that connection to you and it’s pissing her off. That’s really good news for you!! They will probably fight over you multiple times until she finally has had enough. He does have genuine feelings for you-his actions scream that’s true even if his words say otherwise.Ugh. I wish it was that simple though… She doesn’t care. I mean she does but she won’t ever fight about it. She let her ex fiancé do this same exact thing for a year before she left him… It all comes down to my ex’s shoulders. And he’s been saying he wants to come back and he misses me and loves me. And then he draws away again. I expressed tonight that I was upset he was texting her and I asked him if he’d just block her out for a day or a weekend so we could have a shot together. He said he’d consider it. Then he said he’d consider the opposite in which he blocks me out so they can have a shot together….
He’s told me many times that it doesn’t feel right with her. Something is seriously off/missing. I can tell he’s worried about a lot of things too. Like he wants more kids but she’s infertile. He’s a godly man and she believes in nature stuff. Just very big fundamental differences.
I’m a little concerned because he keeps saying he wants to get me pregnant. At first I thought it was a cute little thing and he meant it and now I wonder if it’s all about control over me. He asked if I took my bc last night and I said I forgot and I went to go get it but he grabbed me and kept me on the bed and didn’t want me to. I wonder if he wants me to get pregnant so that I can never leave him and he’ll have me around forever.
I don’t know what to do… I’m upset daily because I just want to beg him to come back. I try to leave every other day but I can’t because he flips his emotions around. He seems so sad and scared to see me leave. He says he’s worried I won’t be there when he wakes up. He says I’m abandoning him. I’m just so frustrated at this point. I feel like it’s either me or her. I just can’t take much more of this… Not when he’s still seeing her and sleeping with her and saying he “loves” her. I can’t deal with being a second option anymore. I just don’t know how to express all of this clearly and maturely when I feel like all I ever do is tell him how I feel.
OMG what a situation. I feel for you Liz, this is not good what he does to you or himself. I mean he needs to sort his shit out and grow up. How can he talk about having more kids when he cannot even decide who does he wants to be with. Don’t get me wrong I do believe he has feelings for you that is in no doubt here but what he is doing to you is not right. You seem like nice person and deserve better. Personally I would not have sex with someone who then goes to another woman and does the same with her. I find that really disrespectful and you saying godly man he sure as heck aint behaving like one. I can get this is emotionally really hard on you and I mean this seems to have been going on for a while now and this kind of limbo is not good for anyone. I think you need to make a choice here because he cannot do it so you need to decide what is best for you long term? Would you really want to bring a baby into situation like this? Wouldnt it be better that he chooses you because he wants to be with you and not because he got you pregnant cos he wants a baby. His actions scream selfishness, indecisiveness and right now not enough caring about your or the other girls well being. If person is that mixed about his feelings dating the two people in question is the last thing he should be doing. I really feel for you and I get how hard it is to choose do you try to stick around bit longer cos you love him or do you choose to walk away.
If you are not willing to cut the cord with him, I think you should stop sleeping with him at least for now because I would think of health implications this sleeping arounf has. If she does not care he sleeps with you, would he care if she slept with someone else?
I wish I could give some better advice but this is one of those situations that you need to decide when you are ready what to do. I wish you all the best with this.
Thank you so much for your response!! Nobody understands why I stay around… I just couldn’t imagine leaving him or giving up on us. I swore up and down for years that I would never abandon him. That I would never leave his side or get a divorce no matter the circumstances. So to just leave him behind? It makes me feel sick. Like I’m worthless and not deserving of commitment if I could walk away so easily from him.
I do understand the situation is messed up though… I try so hard not to sleep with him but we have such a bond and that’s when he feels the most emotionally connected to me. But today we were having sex and he stopped and got really upset. He said he didn’t want to have sex with me but wouldn’t explain why. I think he’s angry because I was talking to a male friend of mine… I just don’t know how to go about anything. He has his kids this weekend so I’ll be with them until 6 pm tomorrow night. I wonder if I should pack a bag and leave after that.
This is so hard… I feel I’ve pushed him away greatly this past week by pestering him so much. It’s just that when he said he was trying to come back, I thought it’d be immediate and it wasn’t and I’ve been panicking all week. I feel he’s leaving me again more and more everyday. With every new time she texts him. Every time she comes to see him before he gets off of work… I’m hurting so bad and wish I had friends or family I could talk to.
I just don’t understand how this decision couldn’t be clear to him… If he truly loves me and wants children with me then why the heck isn’t he coming back?? I mean he said he would but his actions don’t show that. I’m afraid if I go off the grid for a few days that when I come back he’ll have fully chosen her and he’ll leave me for good.
I am more concerned on your well being if this limbo keeps going on for very long. I get it is hard but I guess what you need to decide is who do you love more you or him? and only you can decide that. Despite making that promise not to leave him, no one should be with person who makes them feel so bad and low. I get you feel great at times when you are with him but if you sleep with him and give him all the things you did when in relationship then why would he choose since he is not losing anything?
I dont believe in making ultimatums on people but I also dont believe that you should let people disrespect you and make you feel so bad and that is what he is doing. His mother was right he should not be with anyone right now because he is honestly behaving like a child not a man. I feel bad for you because I can feel how much you love him, how much you have given him and continue to give him still and he takes it and still is with someone else. But ask yourself this is it okay to feel this bad all the time? If your friend would tell you this story what would you say to her? What do you feel you deserve from your partner? How will he know what he has lost in you if you go off grid few fays and then pop back. He never gets to see what life without you really is does he? And if you were off grid and he should choose you , should he not be the one to contact you? It is like you said if he says he wants to choose you and wants children why does he not do it then? You need to think of these things as painful they are so that you can make best decision for you, not for him but for you.
I had a bond like that once with someone. I slept with him after ( that stage we had been together two years) he had cheated on me and was seeing her but because we had the connection all he had to do was stroke my neck and I could not stop myself but I felt used and dirty after and I told him no more I cannot do it. And I ended it there and you know what he came back to me after one week. We stayed together year and half more but trust was damaged between us so I ended it then and felt relieved. So I know how hard it is to try to deny those feelings but that is why if you decide this is enough you should stop all contact and not see him (no driving him, no haircuts nothing) I know that would be hard but he needs to see what life without you and I mean really without you is. But like I said you need to do what you decide when you feel ready and if not then you need to accept the situation as it is but none of us can tell you what to do and when to do it and how to do it. All I just wish that you would show same care for yourself as you do for him. I told you this so that you know I have been there too so I do understand how you feel.
Is there a way that you could go away for couple of days or stay at someone elses place so he cannot reach you. Just to clear your head and get some distance to this situation? I wish I could help you more but please make sure you just care about you as number one because you need to love you before you can love him unconditionally and vice versa. Also let me just say this to you if you choose to walk away it does not mean you are worthless it means you know you deserve a man who knows they would choose you any day over anyone else and that you deserve their commitment to you.
Liz, Finntoga is right-you can’t allow your ex to mistreat you. And you are. He shouldn’t be allowed to have the pleasure of sleeping with you if he can’t commit. He’s manipulating you and you are in love so you let him do it. But you are going to have to cut him off. Limited contact if you can’t do full NC. Keep texts very short if he texts you.
And you walking away doesn’t mean that you are worthless-it’s actually the opposite. It means that you respect yourself and your heart/soul to save them for a man that truly can give you what you want and deserve. Just like Finntoga said. No one deserves what your ex is doing to you. What happened to the other guy that wanted to move away with you? Are you still seeing him?If you go off the grid, it won’t matter. If a guy truly loves you, he will be thinking of you every second of the day. Liz be strong!! I have faith in you and it makes me sad that you are still in this limbo.
As for the baby, NO! You shouldn’t bring a new soul into this world until your ex has figured out what he wants and grows up. He should understand the magnitude of the pain he is causing. I have a very close friend that has a sister (Ashley) that went through a similar thing. She got pregnant thinking that the baby would bring her and the ex closer to each other. Now the guy still hasn’t made a decision and also has another woman that he’s seeing. Ashley is emotionally devastated because he still hasn’t committed to her and can’t handle raising the baby because it reminds her that the ex isn’t there in the way that she wants him too. Don’t get pregnant Liz-it’s the best thing you can do for you and your ex. One day when all this is settled and you are in a good place with your ex or another man-that’s when you bring a baby into this world. Until then, tell your NO and tell him the story I just told you.
The guy I was seeing (Mark) was out of town for a bit and the night he flew back in town, my ex went out bowling with his “girlfriend” and her coworkers. So I decided to go to Mark’s hotel since i figured my ex would be gone all night. Well my ex gets home at midnight and sees I’m not there so he flipped out. He started calling me over and over and texting me and I finally answered and he was completely sobbing. Begging me to come home. Saying he needs me and loves me and misses me. Asking if I’m fucking Mark and all this other stuff. I hung up on him and he started another round of calling until I picked up again. He asked if I even wanted to come home and I replied “I don’t know” and it set my ex off. He totally flipped. SO I drove an hour home to make sure he’d be okay. My ex ignored me all night and was just furious with me. And a couple of days later I was texting Mark and my ex pretty much said if I don’t stop talking to/seeing Mark, that I’d lose him. So I left Mark to have a chance with my ex.
My ex has spent the past two nights with his girlfriend and I feel so lost and depressed. I miss the comfort of his body. The way his hands feel. The look on his face when he wakes up and sees me next to him. I feel like I’m on the verge of a total breakdown tonight because I wish he was here. It doesn’t help that he’s ignoring my texts too… I know I shouldn’t let him do all of this to me. I just can’t help but stay. I feel like there’s some hope that he’ll come back one day. And I don’t want to miss that :/
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