-
Posts
-
Yeah… We had a long talk where he said that he wants to find someone “more compatible” that our relationship was too much work and it shouldn’t be so hard. I told him to just give me a shot and he said he was very determined to not come back. I asked if we could still grab coffee occasionally and talk and he said of course we could. I was hoping to use that as a way to slip back in there. I told him I don’t even care if he’s dating twenty other girls I just wish he’d give me a shot. I told him I knew we couldn’t go back to how things were immediately and we would literally have to rebuild the relationship… but he just didn’t want it. He kept grabbing my hand though and telling me he loves me. He’s very broken up about it. I think things are going well with the new girl so he’s trying his hardest to move on.
I asked him if maybe in the future, he would come back and he said he doesn’t even desire a relationship right now and he has no idea. I’m just hoping I can show him… through coffee or whatever. I can’t believe he could just walk out like this. I really have changed though. I would be so perfect. He’s just so hung up on this new girl he doesn’t care. I’m angry right now that he’s moving into the house that we chose together. That things were looking up and life was supposed to get better and yet he gets to reap all the benefits and I don’t. I’m angry and confused and I just want him back… I told him he could start getting dressed at our house again and all that (he looked awful when he came over) and he seemed appreciative of it.
And then after that talk, he asked if we could watch an episode of Blacklist. So we went inside and sat right next to each other on the couch and watched it. And then he left. Went to go get his girl. And I went and cried for three hours to my parents. I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do. Whether to leave him alone. Or beg him. Or try to do the whole “friends/coffee” deal. I feel like I could wedge my way back in there possibly if he really would come to lunch or coffee with me. I feel like over time he could see just how vibrant and great I am. The old me… The one he fell in love with.
š
Dear it seems like he really loves u and its also very difficult for him to let go of u. At this point i think he really needs sometime alone. I believe this other girl is just there to keep his mind busy. I dont think he intends to be in a serious relationship with her.
I think you really need to back off for a while and give him some time and space.
Seeing him now and then will not help the situation right now. He has made up his mind and your moves will seem as if u are still pressuring him to get back and this may backfire…
He will not forget u or stop loving you in a month or in few weeks so dont panick and give him the time he needs.
I believe after some weeks, when he sees the changed you, he will def have a second thought about the decision he has made…Do you really think he doesn’t want this girl long term? I’m worried because the beginning of their relationship seems like the beginning of ours and we lasted two years… I had so many bad dreams last night about him taking his shirt off and he had scratches and hickeys from the other girl. And then of course I wake up and he’s come home to get a shower and get dressed for work. I laid in bed and then he called me “Rachel” which is my real name but he hasn’t called me that since August. He calls me “Liz”… And he had a tick in his hair so I had to get the tweezers and help him out.
It’s hard. So hard to see him. To see the stuff on his boxers because he’s sleeping with that girl. To know that he’s telling her he loves her and then coming home and saying it to me. I’m just really sad… I feel bad about just kicking him out again and telling him to get dressed at his mom’s house. I mean I kicked him out of here for four days and he hadn’t shaved or showered. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’ll scare his girl away. I don’t know.
He knows I’m dating too. He seemed maybe the tiniest bit jealous but overall I don’t think he cares. Probably because he knows I don’t love the guy. I just want him back. He’s been such a big role for almost three years in my life. And it’s not that I want him back because he’s familiar or he’s security. It’s because we have had so much fun together. All I think of is the really amazing times we’ve spent together and yet ALL he’s thinking of is the bad times. I thought absence was supposed to make him forget the bad times.
But do you really think if I just give it a little bit of time, he might come back around?
It sounds like he closed the door to the relationship but no one can say whether it’s forever or temporary. Even though itās painful for him to split, it sounds like he has realized he isnāt getting what he needs or wants in the relationship so is trying to find it with someone else and is determined to do so. Itās really sad that he didnāt love the two of you together enough to want to rebuild the relationship. At this point, you should leave him alone. You canāt convince him to get back together until he has a change of heart. The friends/coffee deal you were planning is only going to make it much more easier for him to move on.
Itās best not to interfere with his relationship with the new girl. Let that relationship play out. If you do interfere, heās likely to want to be with her even more. How did he meet her? Whatās their background together? A rebound relationship can turn out to be long-term so you are going to have to try to learn to live without him even though itās extremely difficult to do so. My sister had a rebound relationship after leaving a guy and they are married. Iām just telling you this so you can mentally prepare yourself that this could be a permanent thing.
At this stage, he’s going to be in that happy honeymoon period with the other girl so there’s not much you can do. Don’t even think about what heās physically doing with the other girl..that will do you as much good as stabbing daggers in your heart. You have barely been apart from each other and itās not enough time for him to miss the good times with you. Besides, heās too busy making memories with the new girl so she keeps him from thinking of good times with you. So expect him to take longer to come back if he ever does. Even if you give him time, if the relationship with the other girl is better than the one that he had with you, he wonāt be back. And I know thatās hard to hear but thatās reality. A breakup is one event that you canāt control no matter how much you want and miss him. Focus on your rebound relationships for now and improving yourself.
I don’t even know for sure it’s the girl he’s with. But I’m pretty sure it’s this girl from work. She works part time. But like I’ve said before, she’s nothing close to what he would want. We’ve discussed her in the past because I went to college with her. She dropped out (huge turn off to ex). I think he’s only dating right now in order to see if there is someone better. He mentioned our relationship was too much work and he wants to see if there’s someone out there that it would just feel easy to be with.
Why do you think the coffee thing would make it easier for him to move on? I figured if he could see me looking my best and we would hang out at this spot we loved to go to and we could just reminisce, that he’d want me again. That I could open the door for more dating and we could restart and rebuild… I want to know your honest opinion of why you think that’s not going to work.
I have hope and faith that he’s the one. We’ve been through so much as a couple… I mean yeah it’s not so easy when most of our relationship was dealing with a court case and a crazy ex wife and all kinds of other troubles. We didn’t get a nice fresh clean slate that him and this new girl are getting. We had to fight to be together and yes that was hard… But now that life is finally getting to that point where it can be a clean slate, I wish he would try with me. I don’t care if he’s dating other girls too. Just as long as I can be one of them. I honestly don’t think I can move on. All I will focus on is how to get him back. How I can fight and do this and get him back. There has to be a way.
My opinion is that his mind is a mess. He says things but i think he doesnt really know what he wants, who he wants.
I am saying this because i find it difficult to accept that he was making plans to move in together with you just some weeks ago and now everything changed so much?
He says he loves you and i think this is the truth. Its like his heart is with you but his mind is telling him to leave you because of the problems you have had and it made it difficult for him to see a future with you.
Since he really loves you, any other woman he will be dating is just to keep his mind away from you…I dont think he is telling this other girl that he loves her! why did you think he is saying this?
I believe there is still hope where there is love š
However i also think that meeting up with him now and then will just push him away from you and it will even make it easier for him to move on…Guys like to chase and what he has in his hand (you!) will not appeal to him,…Give him sometime to think, let him miss you and think he might lose you…
The feeling of losing someone makes u realise how much you actually love this person…Think of the situation you are in now…may be you wouldnt realise how much you love him if he didnt break up with you…Okay I think I get where your ex is coming from. Heās going to learn that no matter who he is with that every relationship is work. Hopefully with time away from you, he can overlook all the negative things that caused him to walk away. I honestly think that he knows the kind of relationship that he wants but believes that he canāt have that with you.
The coffee thing would keep the two of you connected but you have a very high chance that he would friend zone you during this time. Being friend zoned after a breakup is one of the most painful things that can happen. It is less painful for him because you are still in his life and he is able to keep that emotional connection to you. Itās better if you disappeared from his life so he has the chance to remember all the great things about your relationship. Regardless if you wanted to play mind games with him, the aftermath of a breakup always involves mind games in one way or another. Iāve been professionally writing about every aspect about relationships for ten years and I have yet to see a breakup where mind games werenāt involved.
After you do NC for some time, you can engage in your coffee plan. But he needs time to miss all the awesome things about you and your relationship with him in order for that type of plan to work. Give him time so he knows what life is really like without you. Iāve seen your kind of plan work several times before but only after a period of NC. At this stage, your ex is not at the point of reconciliation because heās intent on trying to date other people.
I totally agree about how he knows what he wants and doesn’t think he can have that with me. I think he said something along those lines the other day… I just wanted the opportunity to show him that he can. I mean we really did have so much to go through in our relationship and now things are getting good.. I went to my parent’s house and when I came home, I was expecting the house to be empty like always but he’s here asleep in the bed. Part of me is angry that he gets to come and go as he please and the other part is just happy to have him here. I don’t know. I’m weak.
I think I’ll tell him to stop coming here. That way he can miss me like you said and maybe we can have a shot at this next week? I don’t want to do 30 days of NC. That would kill me.
Liz, that’s a great plan. It’s not right that he comes and goes as he pleases to your place. That’s the equivalent of emotional torture because although he’s right there in your bed or in your home, you can’t have the relationship that you want. It’s not fair to you. He’s taking advantage of your kindness. Tell him that you accept the breakup but in order for your heart to heal, you can’t be around him.
He’s the one that wanted the breakup and refused to work on the issues, so he needs to have repercussions to help him wake the hell up. It’s okay that you feel weak-everyone going through a breakup feels that way at some point. You are strong and you will continue to get stronger. I know 30 days NC is brutal but I’d strive for 2 weeks at least. And don’t even think about the future just yet. Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if need be. A lot of people that break up think that their ex will forget them if they aren’t in contact with them. In actuality, it makes their ex think a lot more about them.
I’m pissed. And confused.
So I came home and he’s sleeping in our bed right? Well I got my laptop and let the dog in and my ex woke up about five minutes after I arrived. Of course I was incredibly short with him and he got dressed and asked me if I wanted him to get the totes out of the attic. I snapped back with “well I only asked about the totes when we were moving into our house together. Now that we’re not, I don’t need them down.” And you could see he was hurt and he said, “If you want me to leave, then tell me to. If you have something else better to do…” And I shrugged and walked out of the room. And he got all pissy and went outside to clean the carport out so the landlord can take pictures of the property.
Well we get outside and he mentioned these trash bags. So we both go to the shed and look and there’s this top part of the shed that the only way things get put up there or taken down is when he puts me on his shoulders. So he grabbed me and threw me on his shoulders and I told him they weren’t up there. Well he runs outside and starts running around the yard and playing with me still on his shoulders like we would’ve done when we were dating. And he’s laughing and I’m laughing so hard and I’m telling him how much I hate him, etc.
So then he puts me down and we start cleaning out the carport. All the while we’re talking and stuff. Not too much crazy stuff. And then he steps back and starts talking about work. Just like he would’ve done when we were dating. I mean talking about how this associate pissed him off and how he found out the assistant manager was screwing three girls from there and just all this shit! And this conversation went on for a good while too. And then we loaded up my car with trash and we both got in the car to go take it to the dump. Dump was closed so we came back home and he took off to get to this mom’s house …
I’m upset because it felt like we were together again. It was the same joking and talking and friendship. It was so painful for me. And I should’ve held my ground. I should’ve told him to fuck off and get out of my life that he so desperately wants to be out of. To go fuck his new girlfriend. I shouldn’t have even gotten that tick out of his hair this morning. I’m so weak to him and he knows it and I’m angry because I just want him back and I thought this was fucking it…
And since the dump is closed today, tomorrow after work we’ll drive up there again to get rid of this stuff.
Sorry this is so long! But I also asked him where the sleeping bags were because I couldn’t find them. This peaked his interest. He asked where I was going and I said I had plans to go to this island but we decided to just stay in the city and got a free room at the plaza (which is actually happening this weekend with rebound #2). And you could see he was so jealous. And my phone went off and he kept looking over at it. You can tell he’s getting interested in this other life I’m living that he doesn’t see.
So its very obvious this guy is still in love with you and is fighting his heart. If he were truly finished with you, he wouldn’t be playfully flirting with you and acting the way he did when he was your man. He would be indifferent. Not angry, sad or jealous. If I were dating a guy and I knew he was acting flirtatious with his ex, I’d be pissed!! It means he still has very deep feelings for her. And these deep feelings for you are going to cause chaos for any other girl he dates thus the chances of anything more than a rebound are quite slim.
When you are around him, don’t be short with him. Act like the way you used to when you first began dating him. You want him to associate you with the fun, flirty you not the opposite. It doesn’t sound like your ex is done with the relationship forever. Speaking from experience, my guess is his heart will lead him back to you eventually.
The length of your posts are fine. It helps to get a clear picture of the situation so I can best help you!
Do not act needy around him. No more talk of wanting a shot with him again. Keep him on his toes. Guys get intrigued and want a woman more when they have no clue whether she wants him or not. He will become more and more curious about what you are up to.
You can do limited contact in this situation. I’ve done that with exes and it works as well. Since your ex isn’t acting cold to you, try LC if you prefer. This means you respond with short txts when he txts you and you don’t initiate contact.
I was being short because I thought maybe he’d think I was moving on from him. And I haven’t mentioned a single word about wanting him or the relationship or anything. Just very simple. Mentioned a few things about my day like how he’s missing out on our dog and stuff (which hurts him a bit). And when he left, I didn’t try to hug him like usual. Just said “See you later!”. And the LC is an issue š He won’t contact me first. That’s just who he is. When we were dating he didn’t because he never had a reason to, since we live together. And now, there’s still no reason to. His phone was going off (probably his new girl). I’m just worried he’s stringing me along and using me as his comfort. But it was nice. I couldn’t believe when he was running around the yard with me on his shoulders and I was yelling his whole name and telling him “I’ve never hated you more!”. It felt just like when we first started dating. Just carefree and fun… And then the dog got to us and we toppled over onto the ground on top of each other (totally cliche I know).
But it gives me false hope… I know this girl is a rebound to him. But why is he sleeping with her?? Why is he spending so much time and money on her? I feel like he’s only here because she was working and there was nothing better to do. I’m confident we’ll be together again one day. I know with all of my heart and soul that this is the man. He just needed to be reminded of the good times.
Do you think what I’m doing with the whole rebound guy is okay? Like telling my ex that I needed sleeping bags because I was going to go camping with a “friend”. Just kinda stringing him along there and letting him wonder? Or do you think he’ll think I’ve moved on and then really leave me for good? Just don’t know how to play this!
And this morning when he came home to get dressed, he flopped onto the bed next to me and started playing with our dog and said he was so tired. I was a little too clingy after the tick incident and stood there watching him shave for the first time in a week š But I feel like he’s treating me like a roommate or just a pal. I don’t want him to use this as a way to move on…
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.