Day 11 of no contact, but who’s counting lol

[braves91tn]

It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m making it. We had a great relationship for 12 months but the last 1 and a half to 2 months had their ups and downs. Mines kind of a rare case because I’m a male domestic violence survivor. It got really bad but basically I almost didn’t survive it. The girl I want back basically met me when I was at my lowest point and knew very well what I had been through. In our time together we blended our two families (we both have two kids) went on two vacations and shared countless memories and we both agreed that this was our first “healthy relationship” but was also extremely passionate and the best sex either one of us had ever had. She also had been through a very abusive relationship but mainly cheating and emotional abuse. Toward the end of our relationship she started to accuse me of cheating because I was becoming more withdrawn and less affectionate when we were apart, just basically not being myself. We live an hour and a half away from each other and saw each other every weekend so it was easier for her to notice me not texting her or calling her as much etc but things were still really good in person for the most part. In looking back and through therapy I now realize my withdrawal was a normal response for domestic violence victims, so when we’d have issues I’d withdraw bit more and when she’d accuse me of cheating I’d withdraw a bit more because I think it was basically my subconscious brains way of trying to protect me from a situation that in the past had been very dangerous for me. And it was like a snowball effect because the more she pushed me about not feeling loved or feeling like something was up the more I’d feel the urge to back away. It came to a head when I was doing a job with a friend of mine hauling some stuff, breaking it down and loading it in a trailer and didn’t answer my phone for 4 hours because I didn’t realize it was dead in my pocket and I was busy working not looking at it. Long story short she was convinced I was cheating on her and broke up with me because she had a “gut feeling” she came off it a bit when I sent her pictures showing everything we were working on and where I was but wouldn’t really apologize so I told her I didn’t deserve to be treated this way and didn’t contact her for 2 days waiting for an apology. She finally called me crying and begging me to take her back but the apology wasn’t what I was expecting yet I took her back anyways because it killed me to hear her so distraught and hurt. She said those two days were horrible for her and the thought of having me out of her life hurt so much. I went to see her the next day and we had an amazing time and it was like we were gonna turn the corner so to speak. Then things got weird during the week with us not speaking as much again and with her calling midway through the week crying about regretting getting her tubes tied and telling me she wanted to have kids with me, I reassured her and told her that it was ok and that we could cross that bridge when we got to it but that I wanted the same things and it was all gonna be alright. Then that weekend she broke up with me when I was on my way to see her. I called and tried to talk to her, maybe not full on begging but it was an emotional call for both of us. Over the next two weeks we would go a few days without talking at a time, me trying to give her space. But two consecutive sundays after the break up we came close to getting back together before she started doubting and worrying if it would
Work out and then pulling away. The first time we had a 3 hr phone call that was just like how it was in the
beginning of our relationship. The last time we talked on the phone for an hour and a half and then texted back and forth all night and Monday and she was very engaged till she got the flowers I sent her (I know rookie move but I’m learning) she said the flowers were “beautiful and I don’t want to seem ungrateful and I would’ve loved them a month ago but where things are now.. idk I feel like I tell you what I want and you argue and debate your way back in” I apologized and went 8 days no contact. During the 8 days she posted some sad things and talked about her heart hurting (we both still followed each other so she knew I was seeing it and her seeing mine) and then it progressively became posts about “girls don’t have trust issues they have I’ve seen this pattern of behavior before issues” or other things directed at me that went back to the narrative of I’m a cheater and bad person that she’s gone back and forth on. Suffice it to say I’ve never cheated and never so much as been caught texting another woman the whole relationship, it’s just not who I am. But basically she was trying to get me to break no contact and I did after one that hurt really bad and I basically just called her and told her “you know that stuff really hurts” and we talked for like 30 minutes and it didn’t go well. I asked her if she still even missed me “I don’t know how to answer that” and I said “well I guess you could say no just to not give me any hope” and she said “I don’t want you to have hope” and a lot of the call was like that, I could tell that she was hurt as I kind of expected from the posts she had made. Which is crazy because she all but told me to leave her alone and then go hurt when I actually did it! Women, am I right? Lol But basically it really reinforced to me what’s been said about no contract and that’s that it’s got to get worse before it can get better. You not reaching out like you have can make your ex feel hurt and mad and hate you even if they asked for it (thinking that you never actually could do it) but we have to let them go through these stages to get to a better place for things to work. After the phone call I sent her a text saying “I hope you feel better and find the peace you’re looking for. I respect your decision and wish you the best going forward. Good bye (her name)” The hardest thing for me right now is having no way to judge where she’s at emotionally, she deactivated her blog when I mentioned that post as she didn’t think it was healthy for us to be looking at each other’s stuff etc which is true. I’ve gotten a lot of strength from reading others stories on here so I figured I’d share mine. I feel very optimistic about her coming back as she wasn’t planning to break up for a long time (quite the opposite actually) and we came close to getting back together even when I was making all the rookie mistakes. The one thing I’ve heard her say so much is “I’m so unsure of everything right now” and I feel no contact will help her get past that and come back to wanting to build this relationship.

[patricia12]

Her ex cheated on her and she’s apparently come to the false conclusion that all men cheat. She accused you of cheating without any evidence whatsoever. She didn’t accept you as a unique human being who was faithful and devoted to her. This won’t change. You can try to convince her of your loyalty until you’re blue in the face and it won’t help.. Imagine being with someone for a very long time who repeatedly falsely accuses you of all sorts of things. Would you be happy? NO.

Her mindset will continue until she gets professional psychological therapy and even then, her long held negative views about relationships might not change for the better. Don’t let your children witness her behaviors and drama as it will have a negative effect on them.

Don’t contact her! Rebuilding the relationship isn’t something she is interested in doing. Hopefully she will seek help and maybe someday in the distant future there would be a chance for a normal happy relationship, but it won’t be anytime soon..

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