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I’m in desperate need of some advice so I’ll do my best to keep things short but need to give some context. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I (27M) live in a small mountain tourist town and I met this girl (30F) 9 months ago. From the first moment we met it felt like it was perfect. We fell in love, became best friends and moved in with each other. Even though we had our issues like any couple I thought we could work through them as a team.
She told me a month after we moved in that she got this gut feeling that we weren’t meant to be together. That now that she was 30 she didn’t want to waste each other’s time and how at times she thought of me more as a brother than her boyfriend. She stated she was thinking of breaking up. We fought multiple times and each time it ended in amazing sex. She actually broke up with me twice but each time we took a break from talking we would return to each other apologizing and she would say she was so wrong and a mess without me. She goes above and beyond trying to care of me, she’s my best friend, the love of my life and the best roommate I’ve ever had. I haven’t always handled these thoughts the right way so I felt like I was always being given another chance.
She’s a very strong independent woman who can be impulsive and stubborn at times. She is also an only child so is very used to getting her way.
A month ago she broke up with me again but this time it felt different she actually moved herself into our 2nd bedroom when I was away. She stated she needed to stay strong this time but she still wanted to be my friend. We’ve had tons of screaming matches, tons of arguments, tons of conversations, many of which I have started because of frustrations, emotions, sensitivity, etc. I’ve been very upset lately and we both recognized that living together was unhealthy, she was going to move out and not take anything as she didn’t want to hurt me more.
She had just signed a new lease with a friend and was helping me find somebody to fill the 2nd bedroom of my apartment so I could afford rent but then COVID 19 hit hard. As our town relies on tourism, everyone (including us) got laid off, people are fleeing town and businesses have completely closed. These are completely unprecedented and scary times. She dropped her lease, left her friend who is pissed and is now staying with me in my apartment. She said if there was anyone she wanted to go through this with it was me and I said the same thing but she also said the relationship is far gone and that her heart isn’t there anymore. My problem is my heart is weirdly still there, I still love her so much, how should I handle this? What do I do? How should I act? Can I get her back to my bed?
Today I just remained positive and just had fun with her. We don’t have many friends around here so the next month could be a lot of us time. Even after everything we have been through we still trust and care for each other and I think right now we only have that in our lives so we are better sticking together than apart…. I don’t know what else to do, I just want to know when I look back at this I did the right thing.
@Rome171 The very first thing to do is stop arguing! Don’t try to “change” her mind. If your behaviors change to only love, care, respect, thoughtfulness, and fun, there might be a chance she will change her own mind because she will be happy with you.
Both of you need to do everything you can to avoid contacting COVID-19. Stay at home and don’t go out unless necessary. Don’t invite friends to your place.
Thank you for your advice but I’m also worried about being friend zoned, how do I avoid that?
@Rome171 People don’t “fall out of love” easily or quickly unless there are major unresolved issues. If she’s willing to talk about the issues you had, discuss them very calmly!
If you totally stop arguing with her about anything, it will ease the anger/resentment she probably feels and in time those bad feelings will subside and good memories will take their place. Have fun together, always treat her with respect and kindness. Give her compliments when called for.. maybe touch her, hug her when appropriate.
So its been a few days and we have been doing nothing but fun, I’ve been making her laugh tons, I’m being playful, I’ve even started to touch her every now and then. Any time she starts arguing I just squash it with niceness or just start being silly.
She still though at night runs to her room very abruptly and says good night, no cuddles yet :(. Am I just being impatient?
@@Rome171 Yes, you seem impatient. Continue being kind/sweet/respectful. I’m glad to hear you’re quickly squashing arguments she might try to start. And over time she will start fewer and fewer as arguing is very unpleasant/stressful/hurtful. People want to be happy rather than argue! If she ever brings up anything you think is important to discuss, keep the discussion calm! When she says goodnight, just simply reply goodnight. Or you could even sometimes add; “I enjoyed our day together”.
Sounds like you’re doing great so far. Stay patient and don’t try to force affection.
At this point I’m getting frustrated to be honest. I’m having a hard time understanding why she doesn’t see me as the perfect guy. We have spent every moment together, we are laughing, having fun, etc. I’m even taking care of her when she seems extremely vulnerable and not taking advantage of the situation. I made a sex comment today and she said that was inappropriate even though we have made plenty of sex jokes in the past couple of days. That made me upset so she decided to go take a walk by herself. Is this all just a lost cause?
@Rome171 It’s only been a month since the last breakup and she has plenty of bad memories of the many arguments. When was the last one? You met her 9 months ago, but how long have you been living together?
Stop making sex jokes! If she makes one, just smile or laugh. You need to be more patient with her. I don’t think it’s a lost cause yet..
Try to create a little space at times by going into another room. Continue to be nice and above all, don’t argue!
I want to say I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and helping me out so thank you so much!
The other day was a bad day for myself and I apologized to her for it. We have been getting closer and besides the touching it feels as if we are in a relationship in every other sense. I suppose I was worried as I feel I’m being put in the friend zone or treated as a brother so I felt that I needed to make my intentions still clear. Our last big argument was maybe 2.5 weeks back now and we have lived together for 6 months.
Yesterday she seemed cautious in the morning so I kept my distance but continued to be in a great mood and by the afternoon we seemed to be okay again. I do seriously hope all this works because I still love her so much and I would like nothing else then to hold her again.
@Rome171 Why did you apologize? What happened?
I guess it’s a good thing that you told her about your feelings and now she knows for sure what you think and want, but do not talk about it again unless she brings it up. Otherwise you will come across as needy and desperate. Continue to be sweet/considerate, but don’t argue no matter what!
Are you both home due to the COVID-19 outbreak? Try to move to another room at times so you can both get a little space from each other. Even married people usually don’t spend every waking moment with each other.
Good luck:)
I apologized for just being so grumpy.
And ya we have both been laid off and also live in a small 2 bedroom place so spend pretty well every moment together. Funny enough we have been having a blast together, funner then we have ever had before. Learning more about each other each day and we act as though we are in a relationship in every sense of the word except for the touching.
I felt like things were going really well with the touching but then she spoke to her girlfriend. Not that her friend doesn’t like me but may have given advice for her to stop going around in circles with me. The touching has stopped completely the past couple of days. Any time I try to initiate it, it just feels like awkward and nerdy so I stop. Am I suppose to continue down the path of just having a blast or should I try a different strategy now?
@Rome171 It’s okay to have some nice times together, but since you have 2 bedrooms, sometimes you could go to one of the bedrooms to watch TV or read etc..
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