Confused and scared…

[Anni]

Hey John, I just read your story and I’m really sorry.
I’m in a similar position at the moment: I’m okay with not talking to my ex, I’m on day 7 and I keep myself distracted and busy which is working fine but yesterday my ex started liking my tweets and photos I posted on Instagram of me and a friend and stuff. Do you have any advice of not getting obsessed or high hopes over that? What did you do to not stalk your ex’ instagram or FB page every hour? 😀

Will you contact your ex now after 2 weeks?
Your family only tries to protect and help you. They think it could be best for you to move on, don’t see it as a mean or the best advice they gave you. If you want to try again with your ex and everything is working out, they will be supportive with that decision, too. They want you to be happy and not suffering and I think that’s why they said that 🙂

[John Crane]

I agree thanks! I am so sorry that you are going through this, I obviously know how it feels. Honestly all I can say is that it gets better with time, that is obviously not what you want to hear but it’s true.

In my case I didn’t/don’t have the strength to delete my ex off social media, to me it also seems kinda childish, especially because we didn’t break up over a major issue. On Halloween after my cousin came over I deleted the instagram app off my phone, I went without it for over a week and it was hard. Since then I have downloaded the app again but I noticed something changed.

I no longer feel… for lack of a better word, like shit when I see her photos. I still miss her and want to be with her but it’s not nearly as painful.

I realised the best chance I have of getting her back and being in a happy, healthy relationship is if I stop obsessing and try to return to my old self.

She was initially attracted to me because I was attractive (still am 🙂 ) kind, funny, and I shared the same values as her. I now realized that I was far to dependant on her, my happiness relied on her, she was my everything. That is a bad attitude to have… I have been working on it an I feel better, it still does hurt it’s just that it hurts so much less.

Stay positive and focus on yourself, do stuff with your friends!

And honestly you can talk to me whenever I find talking on this website very ummm… therapeutic. We can help each other 🙂

Oh and sorry if I rambled or stuff doesn’t make sense, it’s 6:00am and I need more sleep so good night, message me if you have questions or just… want to talk to someone 🙂

[John Crane]

Oh and yes, I will try to contact my ex sometime next week. It’s a good time considering it’ll be after the one month mark, this is usually the time where they move to the missing you stage, this however varies between people so it’s all yet to be seen. Anyways I would just continue no contact, she may be thinking of you and that’s why she liked your posts or she may just be looking them because she sees them. Anyways gtg to school gl

[Anni]

Thanks for your answer 🙂 It really helps to exchange your stories with people who can relate to it and can give advices!

Yeah I think my ex thought about me or missed me himself because he doesn’t have instagram on his phone and doesn’t use it himself so he needs to go through the desktop version to look at my pictures. If he continues doing these things I don’t know if I might tell him to stop because I don’t want any contact at all at the moment to think straight and concentrate on myself because I was fine until he wrote me a message last Friday (which was okay because I ignored it) and liked my pics and stuff which confuses me a lot and makes me go back to the obsessive behaviour I don’t wanna go back to. Like I don’t get sad or anything when I look at his page or see posts but it bothers me a bit that he likes my things, even though it could be a good sign, who knows! It just gives me a weird feeling…

A social media break might be a good idea for me, too, thanks! I also don’t want to delete him on Facebook and so on because I also think it’s immature but in the end everyone knows what’s best for him-/herself.

It’s funny, it was similar to me. He started initiating dates and texted me for almost a year before I finally said yes to meeting up, I was very independent before I got together with him but then I moved back to my country and somehow the long distance made me obsess about things more and I became more needy because I was also way more insecure that he could meet someone else when he only sees me every 2 months and so on :/ I was never so secure about myself but I think I got to my lowest points during the relationship and just started to gain back my security slowly since the summer. But I guess that was a bit too late…

Did your ex start to contact you during no contact?

I hope you will be successful by contacting her again! DO you already know how you will do it (letter, text etc)?
How did you get less “needy” yourself? Did you read many articles that helped you or did sports ect?

Thanks so much and have a nice day! 🙂

[John Crane]

First, let him look at your profile and like your pictures, it’s harmless behavior and it means he cares enough to see what you are doing.

No my girlfriend didn’t contact me during the NCP, I believe that’s because I was a super needy boyfriend, I got dependant on her and called and texted everyday, I wanted to talk for at least and hour a day. That was bad because she has school and other responsibilities, we are both also 18, she’s probably at the point in her life when she wants to have new and exiting experiences. I imagine she doesn’t want to be tied down, she wants the opportunity to do different things however, I’m not giving up 🙂

A big problem was me being clingy/needy so to stop that I read many articles and spoke with many people. I realised that almost nobody wants a clingy partner, for me it’s about how much I care about the person. If me being clingy is going to ruin the relationship then… I need to stop being clingy. Knowing how much I care about her and how much I want to be with her helped me get over my neediness if that makes sense…

Hope this helped and if you have any advice or support for me that would be great! 🙂

[Anni]

Thank you, it really did help! It could be that she is at that point of her life and it makes it a bit harder for you to get her back I guess but you should nevertheless try and I really hope she will figure out that she still wants you in her life!

One thought that really puts me down everytime is things like “What if my ex moves on within those 30 days? What if he doesn’t want me back? What if I don’t change enough in that time so he won’t be attracted to me again?”. Like he wanted his space as well to get better and concentrate on himself, that’s why he broke up and I regret a lot that I didn’t see the signs earlier because I would have worked so much on myself to give him more space.

So are you on week 2 of NC or is your month already over?

[John Crane]

It’s funny because I also thought if I was given more time/warning I would have worked harder.

I tried 30days I failed at 21 after I didn’t get a happy birthday. We spoke in Skype for about an hour, she was happy and friendly with me, she got cold whenever I brought up the relationship, for example I asked why and she said “because imy not in love with you” lol kinda cold right? Anyways I was like there’s a reason tho… then she admitted to my neediness, since then I have learned to be less needy, I just want another chance so we both can work hard to have a happy relationship. Anyways I sent a couple texts and she would reply in short messages. The next day I sent a text about a party I was invited to, she looked at it but never replied, the next day she went back into the messages looked at my message and replied. That made me think she was thinking about me so… I waited a couple days then texted saying I’m going to be busy for the next two weeks so essentially don’t contact me lol

I did this to give each of us more space/time to miss each other. I’m going to text her after I’m done catching up with school and packing so probably 6 – 8 days

[Anni]

Well but 21 days are really good already and I can totally understand that you got upset if you didn’t get a happy birthday from her! I would be so upset!
It’s good that you said that you will be busy so you had more control over the situation. I really hope she appreciates it and still sees some hope in you both together in the end!

[John Crane]

Lol thanks, I hope everything works out with you!

Hey btw was it a long distance relationship? If so how often would you guys see each other, talk on the phone, Skype etc…

I’m moving slightly further from her in a month but I will also be getting my license by then so… I’ll be able to drive over if we start dating again. I’m still so worried lol, I want it to work out so much.

[John Crane]

Ugh… the things my family said are getting to me, they said how I need to forget about her because she said “I’m not in love with you”. I understand that I need to focus on myself but… does what she said mean it’s truly over and I shouldn’t even try?

I dont know it just seems like in most breakups the dumper would say that, they obviously feel that way, if they didn’t they wouldn’t leave a happy/healthy relationship. Plus she could be confused, she is only 18 and shes probably stressed out with things like, college, driving school, etc.

I’m willing to try my absolute hardest to be with her, not just with her… I want a happy and healthy relationship, I don’t want what we had to end. It honestly scares me so much, a problem we had was my neediness, if I love that problem and reestablish contact will I be able to get her back? Ugh… so confusing.

[Anni]

Thanks John and same to you!

Yes it was a long distance relationship and since it was Germany-Ireland we didn’t see each other that often, between 3/4 weeks until 3/4 months inbetween sometimes. We wrote on FB a lot which I really didn’t like, I would have preferred to skype more often like every second day but somehow that was too much for my ex at some point. So he preferred the writing but for me that caused a lot of misunderstandings because first of all English isn’t my native language and then you don’t see if someone means things sarcastically or not when you don’t see the face… We usually skyped twice a week, sometimes more. After summer we started phone calls since it wasn’t so expensive for him to call to a different country which I thought improved things but oh well.

How far away would you move? Will you start college so? I’m sorry if you mentioned it on the other pages and I read over some things.

So I can just tell you from my experience:
My ex broke up and from one day to the other he said he didn’t love me anymore and also said mean things like that he had pretended to love me all the time etc. It was really hurtful. Long story short, I was meant to go over two weeks afterwards since I already had flights booked, in the end I went and it was good that we talked in person. He admitted that he lied to get more space since it was easier to say he didn’t love me so I’d move on rather than keep annoying him…

Did your ex said I love you recently before the break up? I don’t think feelings can change so quickly and if she has ever had deep feelings towards you, they are still there and can be refreshed after NC I believe.

The thing is that I don’t know how serious she was about you guys, were you the one taking things more mature than her? Because as it sounds she is not really ready for a serious relationship (18, wants to try out different things, …) but I could be wrong so don’t take my words too serious now! You will see once you finish NC how she reacts. Maybe continue NC for a little bit longer so it wasn’t only two weeks but 3 or 4 after you contacted her for your birthday? Or do you want to contact her before you are moving?

[patricia12]

Hey Grayson, when do you ever get the chance to focus on your school work? I’m sure it’s therapeutic to vent here and Anni’s given you some good advice, but I bet your parents would prefer you to spend more time concentrating on school stuff. You say you don’t want what you had to end, but it did end. Your goal is to someday have a better relationship, one where you don’t beg for more of her time when she’s busy and you’re not needy like you were before.. You’re doing fine so far:)

[John Crane]

Lol thanks 🙂

My goal is indeed to feel better but my ultimate goal is to get her back and keep her…

I understand this is a terrible goal but nevertheless 😉

Thanks,

John Crane

[John Crane]

Jesus Patricia I was reading other peoples posts and you literally reply to like… everyone.

Oh, and I usually only post in my free time, I do my work pretty quickly. I have lots of spare time on my hands because most of my time before was devoted to Maddie and videogames. Now I have almost no desire for games so I do my work then post on here 🙂

Oh and I also like posting alot because it not only relieves stress but I have gotten lots of messages from people saying they are in the same situation, I like how other people can relate to me, it makes them feel better 🙂

[John Crane]

Right now is one way of those times where I can’t stop bawling because I can’t stop thinking about my best memories with her… seriously brain wtf.

[Author]

Posts