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Sorry if this is a long story…
My ex and I have been broken up since last September. The break-up was actually my decision. Long story short, I was struggling with depression at the time and thought the break up would help. He was very heart broken at the time, and I stayed in contact with him because I felt sorry for him. We stayed in contact (text and rarely sex – big mistakes I know), but stopped talking in November when he began dating someone else.
By March, I had had some time to think, and realized that our relationship was more special than I previously thought. The cause of my depression wasn’t related to our relationship. I had dated other people during this time (September to March).
I started texting my ex again. We hung out a few times and also had occasional sex – but I was afraid to say how I felt because I wasn’t sure how he would respond. Eventually, I planned a get away weekend with the intent to tell him how I felt.
In the week prior to this planned trip, my ex travelled out of state to meet someone he had been talking to online. We ended up not going on the trip. We he returned home, we hung out twice, during which time I told him that I loved him and wanted him back. He said he did not have those feelings for me anymore and he eventually began dating this other person. This was April and we stopped talking to each other.
I started dating another person in May, but broke up a few weeks ago. I got on a dating site right away, and there was my ex. I didn’t say anything however. After a week or so, he messaged me, and we ended up going out to get dinner that evening. After dinner he said that he missed me and wanted to come visit me. I agreed to this.
I was pretty excited about the visit but tried to act calm. But I was confused by the end of the night.
Here are things I considered positive during the visit. 1. He mentioned how much happier I seemed. (I had been depressed during our relationship). 2. He reached out to tousle my hair and said “so cute”. 3. He recalled old dates and gifts we had exchanged.
On the other hand, he voiced a critical opinion of my new apartment. It’s older and not as trendy as he would prefer. (Although, he did ask questions about my future living plans – new city or new apt.)
Another confusing thing was that when it came to bed, I was offering him the bed while I stayed on the sofa. He said, “You can stay in the bed too, if you want.” I took this as an invitation. While in bed, I could tell he was turned on. He took off his underwear to be more comfortable and I followed suit. I was very nervous and my heart was beating really fast. He also asked me to cuddle/hold him. However, when I started to initiate sexual stuff (which I had beforehand told myself not to do…), he didn’t act back or he did so half-heartely. Tbf, he had to wake up for work in only a few hours. He passed out quickly, and I couldn’t sleep, so sat in the living room.
The next morning he apologized for being “awkward” in bed and said that he was very sleepy. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal and said I was just too hot with him in bed to sleep.
A couple days later, I invited him to go on a day trip with me. A lot of it was fun and I enjoyed catching up with him. There were times when he would touch or jokingly grab me while driving and when walking around. But there were also times when he seemed bored or annoyed by me.
We ended up going to a bar with some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. My ex acted unimpressed by the bar, but was enjoying my friends. Eventually, they invited another one of their friends to the bar, and I could tell my ex was attracted to him.
We eventually got in the car to go to another bar, and during the drive, I hinted that I could tell he was flirting with the other guy. He admitted to it, and I got mad. He could tell I was upset. I know it was a mistake to act angry, but I had been drinking.
On the way home, we ended up holding hands. I kept opening my hand to give him an opportunity to pull away if he wanted, but instead, when I opened up my hand, he would massage it with his fingers for a while and then grab it again.
When we got back to his house, he said if I was too tired, I could sleep over. I told him I didn’t have anything to sleep in. He said he would sleep naked and I could too. Probably a mistake, but I agreed.
We went to sleep (cuddling) for a couple hours, but then I woke up. I could tell that he was turned on again, so I started touching him to see what would happen. He wasn’t asleep and we ended up having sex.
I am really confused at this point, and not sure what to do. Since we woke up that morning, we haven’t talked besides me asking how his work was going and he answered.
Please help.
This is very confusing for you. I would be careful not to fall into a trap of being friends with benefits. The flirting with another man is strange – unless he is openly bisexual. I wonder if he is confused himself, about you, about his sexual preference. I would see how things progress a bit more but don’t let it drag on too long before having a proper chat to see if you two are on the same page. Its very unclear at this stage and the worry is that he is seeing this as a friends with benefits situation.
Thanks for the reply. We’re both guys, so he’s not bisexual. Lol
I am worried that if I talk to him it will come off as heavy handed and I want to seem fun and light hearted.
Ah, sorry, lol 🙂 I think its fine to try to keep it light hearted for a while to rebuild the connection – but you do read on here people being strung along for a year or more on a friends with benefits set up. If you want an exclusive relationship, then at some point – even a month or two’s time – a chat would be good. Otherwise he is getting everything he wants without putting back what he should. On your mum’s girlfriend – hard to say because I don’t know the people involved – the risk is that it may come across creepy (and heavy) and if you are asking the question here, then your sense is that it would – probably better not to if you want to keep things light for a while.
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