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Me and my ex? (I’m not sure what to label us), have been in somewhat of a reconciliation phase the last month and a half. I love her so much and she (says) she loves me just as much. We’ve been very close for about 12 years now since 8th grade. We’ve tried a relationship before and it didn’t work because of something drastic happening to her in which she distanced herself from any and everybody. However this time we told each other we’re going to make this work.
She told me she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with me and to have a future with me. She told me I make her so comfortable and confident and that she wouldn’t change that for anything. This is all in the reconciliation phase before we made it official we were back together. Then something clicked and I had a feeling something changed and wasn’t right.
A couple days go by and she sends this message:
Okay so. Here it goes… I’m coming to you as a friend because we established we weren’t gonna keep secrets and we are friends before anything. I love you to death! And that has never been a lie however… i think right now I’m being really selfish. Right now i can’t love you the way you love me and i can’t expect you to love on me and wait hand and foot until i can because that’s not fair. Now, I’m not saying that I’m cutting you out of my life AT ALL, i want you to be my friend… my best friend. However as we keep playing house and “relationship” i can’t say that I’m truly happy because I’m not… and it’s not that I’m not happy with you, I’m just not happy in general and that’s very problematic because I’ve been trying to make myself happy for you…. I’m still putting myself last instead of being honest but I don’t want this to be negative and i don’t want to hurt your feelings which is why I’m telling you now because you’re ready to be in a relationship and I’m FAR from ready and i don’t know when I’m going to be ready.. it could be a month, some weeks, a year i don’t know. And honestly i don’t want to keep dragging you along because that’s gonna hurt you in the long run because what if I’m never ready. I really love you and i always will but I’m not sure if I’m exactly in love at this exact moment. I hope you understand that and i still want to spend days with you and talk to you, etc i just don’t want to keep stringing you along because that’s selfish and i don’t want to be that.
The relationship she had before we tried again was abusive the guy she was with beforehand put his hands on her, Her mom is battling with a tumor growing in her head, and she’s been stressed about going back to school. So I know she has been battling a lot when it comes to her happiness but always told me it’ll always be an us and she wanted me by her side while she faces these issues.
She told me she wants to be with me but told me not to wait on her… I do love her and had every intent to marry her but I can’t deal with the uncertainties because that’s a lot of heart ache. I told her I’m going to do what makes me happiest and what I feel is the best decision for me. (I didn’t confirm or deny waiting) but I know the everyday texting, calling, I love you’s, spontaneous outings are just going to be an occasional generic “checking on you” text down the line and that’s what I’m trying to avoid.
Should I continue with trying to reconcile or should I let it be and hope one day she comes back? I need some type of guidance
Dear Tony,
I hear you love her a lot and the history you have together is long. How old are you two? I would advise to not reconcile and take a step back and focus on you. She knows you are there and love her and want a future with her, but from what I read seems confused about what she wants. I know it is a lot heartache dealing with the uncertainty so please take time to focus on your happiness and put yourself first.
If she comes back still wanting a future together, you might still want to but let her show you she really wants to be with you.
Good luck!
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