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Don’t mean to spam for who ever is reading especially you Patricia. I almost use this board to vent and ask advice which i do take on! It means alot. just saying. I see you helping alot of people. You are a really good person!
Dude, you need to stop, your ex too. This is the beginning of a pull-and-push destructive dynamic with possible no end in sight.
Initiating contact and getting upset/mad when you do not get the response you want/expected
or no response at all and intentionally ignoring your ex’s text are passive-aggressive behaviors. Don’t try to manipulate her feelings just to get her attention all the time.
If you really have something costructive to say in order to work things out just say it, don’t withdraw but I see you are very confused at the moment. So stop obsessing, distance yourself for a while and contact her only when you feel you are better.Thank you FishingTheSky, I did originally want to tell her that i understand where it went wrong how we acted like an old couple who didn’t do anything. I was going to tell her our romance died and i understood that. I was going to say how we were both at fault and that i was sorry for my part. I should have learned from my mistakes. But It was almost in the moment type of thinking. this is why i havn’t replied cause I feel like it’s a bad idea to tell her this. I do want to sort this out and move forward and be happy. But i don’t know how she is feeling. She’s showing 2 different signs. one is she wants nothing to do with me the other jealousy and saying she will be done with me if i do anything with anyone else.
So i replied. I told her my phone died and that i wasn’t ignoring her. i thought she wouldn’t reply for a while but she pretty much replied instantly asking what i was suppose to be honest about. What do i do? lol
I made a huge mistake :(. So in the end i called her after missing her calls for basically a night and half the day. She asked me so what is it you have to be honest about thinking i slept with another girl. I said well it doesn’t matter cause she was shouting at me . She went mad and was asking. I ended up making a story up that back fired. I tried to make her jelous. I told her
“when i went to london i was talking to a girl no flirting or anything and i just felt guilty cause she was a female. There was no intention and i missed you so much, the break up was killing me and i just wanted to talk to you so i felt guilty. I said i want to be honest with you causw i wanted to tell you that i understand why we broke up and that i miss and still care about you deeply. ”
We ended up arguing and bringing the past up and she said she didn’t believe me and she thinks there was more to it than that and i explained if there was i wouldn’t phone you and tell you. Anyway we basically went around in circles. She mentioned that i made her feel like shit for this long to tell me that. She was mad. She even said along the lines of well we can’t ever get back together if you’ve done this. So it seemed like she was thinking of it? She thought i did something and yeah it did make her jelous but in the end she said. “Well do what you want we’re not together so you’re free” but i knew she didn’t mean it so i was like don’t be like that. I know you care and she replied like i fucking obviously do. And around in cirncles again. She said she didn’t want to talk. So we hung up.
I didn’t want to just let her go like that, thinking i did something when quite clearly i didnt. So i went round to her house. She let me in. She almost smiled/smerked in a you’re so silly for coming here way and my instinct was to hug and kiss her forehead so i did.
We talked she was like why djd you come here i explained i cant have let you go away upset thinkjng i did something when really i was tryinf to tell you that i still care and stikl have feelings for you. I told her i wasnt here to win her back. But i do believe there is soemthing and normal i would walk away but i cant stop fightinf for you. She made if clear that at this very moment she was done. She told me that she is upset and that I’m always in the back of her mind but she said i shoudlnt have come here and she feels almkst like im forcing her to get back with her by showing up or texting her. She said she feels i havnr ler her breathe. She told me that she knows that it wont work and that she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. But through out the night she either said ” i know ” or ” i think” i don’t want to do this again either “at the moment” or just that on it’s own.
Then she said she doesn’t know if we will get back together or not but at that moment she feels like we can’t ever. She basically told me to stop fighting for her. We basically went round in circles. She wanted me to go but i couldn’t. I kept hugging and kising her and she felt uncomfortable.
We ended up talking about happy memories but it was mostly me although she did bring a couple up her self. And then she said this is how i want to end things. Onca good note. On a happy one. I broke down infronr of her more than once. And yeah it did look like iwas needy and almost begging. Then i again said i understand why it broke i mentioned i also felt in the back of my mind when ir was next goijg to break and that was on me heavy. I said i felt like there was so much to do yet so many experiences to experience together. I said i knew it was gettinf abit shit but i didn’t expect it as i said i thought it was goinf to pick up as we had so many plans together.i said you’ve started your new job im gojnf to university and i told her i thought it was going to be better now that wehave money to do things. I told her i was planning to go to book Amsterdam and that i was planning to go to London again with her. She said she didn’t plan this and that she thought the same but now she feels this way. I try to explain what went wrong and she said that want it and that ” you’re not listening to what im saying. I’m done. I dont want to keep doing this. This is upsetting me and i dont want to keep talking about this. I wasn’t happy”
I asked her if there was some one else she said no. And i asked again you can tell me. In the end i said if there is some one else or you’re thinkjng of them then if that makes you happy I’m happy for you. Of course i didnt mean it. In my head i was thinking who this ryan person was. She said the same back to me instead of saying there wasnt.
In the end i made her make it clear that she was done and made her say it to me so i could walk away. She said right now i think i dont want to ever try again. I said think? You need to know then she said i know i don’t want to try again. Then I made her tell me to stop fighting for her so I could let her go and made her say it in a sentence together. She said i know i don’t want to try again and you need to stop fighting it.
I walked away. She watched me walk down the road. I tried to call a taxi but my connection was out so i phoned her to ask for a taxi number. I asked her if she was ok she said yeah. She gave me the number without wanting to say in person. She texted me it. I then said you know what i dont get why im not angry with you. You dumped me on my Birthday after christmas. You dumped be when college was ending and now just before university. I said i cant belive it and i kept fightinf for you. She replied she didnt mean to do so and why i was being like this. I said i dont know im sorry im just deeply hurt. She said well i cant keep doing this so she said i need to go. She said see you later as a good bye i replied and laughed well you wont see me later will you. Then she said ok Bye.
She made me feel like there was a chance. She got jelous and mad showing all signs that she cared. I even told her that she said she was thinkinf about us getting baxk together but now there wasnr a chance cause she said she didn’t think that was the full story with the girl and i told her thats why i came round to show you nothing went on that i care about you. She denied sayinf that on the phone..
I don’t get it. She showed different feelings. Have i honestly lost her for good? She seemed so cold. Yeah she cried a couple times but didn’t seem upset as me. She made me feel like I was worth nothing. She makes me feel small like she’s above me. I think i really have lost her this time. What are your thoughts? What should i do? I still love her very much wnd do honestly think it COULD work. But she doesn’t feel the same. But she did show she cared. I don’t get it. She even changed her facebook picture today. It’s like shes moving on. I feel the worst I’ve ever felt. I understand that our relationship took alot out of us and it was a very big part of our lives..
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know who to ask. What to do. I’m breaking down worst than ever. I almsot hate my self. I miss her so much.
You should have left her alone and given her time to think clearly. But you texted her and then started a big mess. Trying to make her jealous was so childish. I understand you wanted a final answer, but to make her say she was done (which she did), then order her to tell you to stop fighting for her and then command her to say it in a sentence together, sounds controlling! I have no idea if you lost her for good. Maybe the only logical thing to do is go no contact again, but this time keep it. Maybe too much damage has been done. Maybe it’s time for you to move on.
I don’t know, sorry..Now that I’m thinking clearly. I was incredibly childish! My intentions were to make her jelous cause I wanted to know if she cared, almost to see if she reacted. Which she clearly did and I upset her further. Then I got my self in a big mess. I didn’t mean for it to be controlling I just wanted her to say it to me in a sentence if she really meant it so i could just stop and walk away. I know she won’t think it’s exactly controlling cause I don’t think I ever was. Sure sometimes in the beggining in the relationship I might have got jelous insecure but I sorted that out and improved my self.
I don’t know if there is too much damage. I am going no contact again and I’m going to think long and hard whether it is the right thing to do to contact her in a couple of months. I’m not sure anymore. She sent mixed signals but was blunt and straight forward at the end. I fucked up. Again…
I will take a shot here, from what I’m hearing sounds like you are improving yourself for someone/ something else. You’ve got to improve for you. Do the things that make you a better you for YOU! Our opposites will see this and that starts the attraction phase again. You and your ex have been running in circles to get back into a relationship and that’s not what you should be doing. Try NC for a while and re-evaluate yourself. Find a friend to hang out with. You’ve got to start being an interesting person and have something to give in a relationship. Relationships with girlfriends/boyfriends/friend-friends have to built on something more than just habit. Good Luck!
Thank you paul@33 you are very right! I start university this time next week. So i hopefully have made some new friends by then and can have something to talk about. I know that we both don’t have much friends (2-3) so we almost don’t have an outlet for new communication also. Like we even talked about how we needed that. At the moment I’m focusing on driving lessons aswell going to the gym to occupy my mind. I’m trying not to think about this cause it will break me and drag me down. I’m going to go NC for one last time. Thanks you all.
So I’ve just come back from the capital city from visiting my friend again for real. I’ve had fun had pictures with my friend and his friends in some land marks and very cool archetexure and its been fun. Ive just got in. And i seriously can’t cope. I’ve kept strong and havnt contacted her and kept my self busy while looking confident and fun in my social media. Am i doing the right thing? I broke down as soon as i got home.
I miss her severely and everyday seems to be getting worse. What do you recommend I do to initiate contact and when? Do i follow the 21 day no contact while showing that i am a confident person? Or what? I’m so scared that i will drive her further away. I want a last chance to make it right.
P.s she’s kept me on her instagram and snapchat but has not been watching my snaps. She blocked me on twitter but kept me on whatsapp. I deleted her on facebook.
Not sure if this makes a difference but I’m not active on instagram but very active on snapchat. Why would she keep me?
Hi Ironblood,
I’m here. 🙂 I read your situation. All I can say is that you and your gf have so much going for in your young lives. Not to say that college aged kids don’t know anything about love. But based on what I am reading, you are acting the way most kids your age act most especially when it comes to relationships. 🙂 You both love each other, but I have to admit that the going back and forth just made things all complicated. The best advice I can give you now is to give each other space. Concentrate on your studies. I actually don’t know how kids do it. I was a full time college student. Did not get into relationship until my mid-20s. You read my story and my bf and I ended in good terms even if it was not mutual on my part. But we are older and more experienced in life.
Anyway, if you give each other space, figure out yourselves, and try to calm down, you both can have a more meaningful conversation without the yelling and crying. That being said,it is a part of life. 🙂 I know everything is confusing and hurts now but it will be ok. And… If you read your email to me, that is the person you want to be towarda your situation and your gf. 🙂
Thank you for taking your time to read all this MrsWB. I appreciate it, especially after my writing so much in my breaking point.
I understand we need space and I have faced and come to terms with the fact I may never get the chances I’ve had in the past with her to get her back. But am i being stupid for fighting for her? It takes some time before I realise what mistakes I’ve been making during nc and I yet again I am realising the mistakes I have made while with her that has lead to driving her away.
I need to be a better me for my self first. I admit i was stupid and immature and acted on instics which i thought i over came. I need to stop acting on instincts and emotions and come to logical reasoning.
I still have very deep emotions towards her and she did give mixed messages with the whole jelousy thing stated above. It’s her birthday on the 12 of October aswell and I did plan a trip to Amsterdam and it sucks cause this happend… should i even talk to her on her birthday?
From your point of view, from what you understand and have read am i being delusional to think I could win her back? I know that can’t be answered as straight forward as i want lol but what I’m trying to ask is, from your point of view is there any hope? Thanks alot.
Hi Ironblood,
I will speak from my point of view as a woman. A guy who is interested in me but I have no feelings for, I shut him down instantly. But as a female who is in love or intersted in a guy, I want him to stay and come for me. Women are wired to have men chase after them. You GF clearly still has strong feelings for you so that is an advantage. And no, you are not crazy at all wanting her back. To me, you just take a different approach if you want to speak to her again. It is her birthday coming soon. Mine is too. I want my ex to greet me, but I doubt it will happen. Go ahead and greet her a happy birthday. Everyone appreciates being remembered on their birthday. 🙂
There is one disadvantage to your situation, though. Because of that whole jealousy thing, some trust is lost too. And for a healthy relationship to happen, you need trust. How will you convince each other that you can trust each other once more? You know that saying that “it takes a lifetime to build trust, and only once instance to break it.” So, you need to figure that out too. And this is the reason why the both of you go back and forth. The trust was broken. I hope the both of you can figure out a way to rebuild it. If given a chance you two will be in communication again, I think the first thing you need to address is the trust factor and see if you can rebuild it or possible start over. Clean slate. Btw, if there is more I need to add, I’ll do it in another post. I can’t see what I am typing since I am on my phone. Lol.
Thank you for this advice is is really helping me. This site is the only thing keeping me motivated and going at the moment.
You have really good points in here especially about the trust being broken. But if she believes I’d ever cheat or even move on within 2 months then she is crazy.
I specifically made it clear that all it was – was that i had a casual conversation with a girl and i just naturally felt guilty cause i missed her so much. She thinks there is more. The reason it got into such a mess was because I went round to convince her nothing happened and that she could trust me. She should know by now that i wouldn’t/ couldn’t cheat on her. I even told her that if i did do something with a girl i wouldnt even bother talking to her cause the guilt would kill me. Then i explained to her what would be the point in my telling her i spoke to a girl and didn’t mention i did something with her.
She knows I’m not that type of guy and I’m not. I’ll be honest i got hit on the other night by a girl at my friends university accommodation. I had the chance to do litteraly anything with her but i wouldn’t. The obvious reason that i love my ex and the other is i don’t go near slutty girls. I don’t mean throw the word slut around but i don’t like sluts… lol. I could have easily had sex with that girl but i wouldn’t. I couldn’t its not right. Not meaning to brag but just trying to make a point that I’m not and will never be that guy. And I’ve always let my ex know that. So when she doesn’t believe me it really hurts. But yet again thank you for the advice. A friend on this site suggested i contact her a couple days before her birthday then wishing her a happy birthday to make it less “out the blue”. What do you think?
P.s I’m also typing on my phone so i also can’t always see what i type so i could be repetitive….. and it also explains why i type so much lol. Thanks!
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