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Posts
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Hello again! 🙂 I wasn’t expecting to be posting again so soon but something interesting happened this evening…
So we’re both playing a tournament this weekend like I mentioned. It’s being held in a school that’s very difficult for her to get to. On the way over she had to get a bus and then walk for half an hour. The walk from the gate of the school to the building itself is about a mile and it’s very poorly lit. Her game went on very late (she won so she’s in good form), and I talked to her very briefly afterwards.
One of the first things she said was that she wasn’t sure how she was going to get home. I knew she had about 40 minutes to make the last tram/bus and it would take her at least half an hour to reach there, walking in the dark alone. So I said to her that my father could give her a lift as we were going that direction, only if she was stuck, it’s no problem. It would have been very foolish of her not to take the lift as she’d run a great risk of not making it to the last tram/bus. She thanked me and said she’d check things on Google Maps and let me know.
Sure enough, she said she really would appreciate a lift. We dropped her to the tram at one of the well-lit stops and I think she got it almost straight away.
When I got home, I had a message from her thanking me, saying she owed me big time and that I was her hero tonight (with a heart and a hug emoji thrown in). I only got this when I got home myself, so a short while had passed before I replied. I just said it was no trouble and I was glad she got the tram safely. I also went out on a limb a little bit and said I remembered how she said before she feels more secure talking to someone on the phone when walking home from the tram stop, because it is unlit, very dark and lonely at night. I told her I’d be up for a while if she felt better calling someone, but “no worries if not, I know you’ll be fine anyway :)”.
She messaged me back about twenty minutes later saying she was just out of the shower (she must have gotten the tram immediately in order to get home so fast) and thanks again, see you tomorrow, with a couple of hug emojis and several kiss faces. I just sent a brief reply, delighted she got home safe, said it was my pleasure and that I’d see her tomorrow with a smiley and an x at the end.
I don’t want to be reading into things and it feels so “teenagery” to give any credence to emojis, but it seems difficult to misinterpret this? It was unnecessary to send so many and to phrase things the way she did. She seems to be very happy and wasn’t put off by my suggestion of her calling me if she felt lonely.
Maybe it was just the way I phrased it, giving her the option and letting her know that there was no pressure and that I had faith in her no matter what? Maybe saying I remembered what she said before about calling someone also showed her that I listen to her? The last time we were in more or less this exact situation was just before Christmas, and I remember how much she appreciated the lift and the call then too. I won’t suggest calling me again and I’ll only offer her a lift in future if she makes it clear that she really needs one. From now on she knows she can ask if she’s stuck.
I am fully intent on following your advice and pulling back, and I think being conscious of this changed my approach completely and this seemed to have a positive effect. I am delighted that we seem to be on such good terms and that she appreciated the help. I won’t make any further suggestions to her, I just knew this was something that she would definitely need. I’m just going to focus on my games tomorrow and enjoy talking to her/spending time with her if the occasion arises.
Thank you so much again for all of the advice, I feel great 🙂 Looking forward to tomorrow and the rest of the weekend!
Thank you 🙂 Today was ok but I only spoke to her once. She gave me a very encouraging smile and hello this morning. She lost her game and I spoke to her very briefly afterwards. She said as she was walking off that she was going to get some food and I said I was too but I didn’t ask her to join me. I was going to eat with my father and a friend of ours and I think she knew that as she had passed by us when we were discussing it. I think she went to lunch alone, but I left the choice up to her and seeing as she was walking off when she said she was going for something to eat, I felt I shouldn’t ask.
We passed by her in the car on the way out but I don’t know if she saw us or not, and again we didn’t stop to pick her up. I also finished quickly this evening and left so I didn’t see her, although I think she took a photo of me during the game 🙂
So all good I guess but not much to report! The only slightly annoying thing is that I’m most likely going to be playing her in the morning. I’d rather not, but there’s no way to avoid it if we’re paired against each other. It’s not a big deal, I just need to get in the right frame of mind for it. There was a good chance it was going to happen sooner or later.
I was talking in confidence to a friend of mine who also knows her, and he thinks that she was all gung-ho about everything until I said I wasn’t able to see her on Christmas, and then perhaps she thought on some level that I wasn’t as committed/interested in her as I had appeared to be. That’s why she pulled back and even though I tried to make it up to her, we had a couple of weeks apart where she thought over everything and decided it wasn’t working. I don’t know if he’s right, but this would also be understandable if it was the case. I still think my apology addressed that, so we’ll just have to wait and see.
I’ll let you know how things go tomorrow anyway. I don’t like the idea of competing against her as I always just want her to do well, but it’s something that can’t be helped and we both have a professional attitude towards it. All I can do is try not to let anything intrude on my thoughts or affect my play, and I know she’ll be doing the same. Whatever happens, I’m sure we can put it behind us afterwards.
Slow and steady anyway and we’ve an early start in the morning, we’ll see how it goes. Thank you again!
We played this morning and I won. She was upset because she only won her first game and lost the rest, and won’t be playing again for another six weeks or so. It was unfortunate that we played, but we both tried to win and it was a fair game. I’m sure she won’t hold it against me, but I’d rather it hadn’t happened all the same!
Afterwards we had a brief chat about the game and she said she wouldn’t be playing the last round and would be going home. She said “see you next weekend?” and I said “Sure, once you’re not still mad at me” (referring to the game) and she said that of course she was upset about losing. We talked a little bit more and I asked her if she wanted to go for food or anything now. She said she was hoping to get home and get to the gym before it closed but that we could walk together if I wanted to. I was waiting around until the start of the afternoon game so that was fine.
I went in to get my things, and when I came out to join her, a team mate of hers, who happens to be an old childhood friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to properly in a few years, was talking to her and he walked out with us. She walked with us around to the cafĂ© she had lunch in yesterday, said it was lovely and that she would leave us there and go get her bus. So I didn’t spend any real time alone with her, but I did get to have lunch and a nice catch up with an old friend! It was a little odd the way things worked out, I assume he was the one who approached her (as opposed to her looking for someone else apart from me to walk with), but in any case it was all fine and honestly I think she was genuinely rushing to get home in time.
This evening she posted another photo she took of me from during (!) our game (I looked pretty stressed! I’m sure she got a kick out of that!) and I liked it. I’ll leave it at that and wait for her to contact me before the weekend. So all good I think, but not much meaningful contact since the first night.
I think everything went ok but not much else to say. I think she was just in great form after her first win, and as the rest of the weekend didn’t go so well she definitely felt a bit deflated, it happens to everyone at some point. I don’t like the fact that I contributed to that, but the game could have gone either way and it really couldn’t have been helped. She’ll be disappointed for a bit, but I’m sure she’ll get over it.
All in all I think I’ve every reason to look forward to next weekend, it would have been nice to chat to her some more but I’ll be patient! I’m not sure what else I could have done differently and I think it’s best for me to just give her space again until next weekend? Thank you again!
Is this a team sport or one-on-one? Of course people don’t like to lose, but that’s life; everybody understands that you win some and you lose some. So stop feeling guilty or bad about it and stop saying things like “..once you’re not still mad at me”.
I’m not sure if it was a good idea to ask her to “go for food or anything”.. it seems a bit pushy considering all the circumstances.
Yes, be patient (and give her space) and hopefully you two will have a nice time next weekend.
It’s a one-on-one game but it was a team event. Each individual player is part of a team and the results of their individual games count towards an overall match result. So despite losing to me, her team beat my team and finished 2nd, so it was a successful weekend for them. They would have been much weaker without her as she’s their best player. Even though she didn’t do so well, the fact that she played at all helps the team no end as it means her team mates get easier games while she takes on the top players. She mentioned that her results for the team hadn’t been good all year and I said that her simply being there helped, and she said she remembered me telling her that before (it must have been months ago).
I think you’re absolutely right, I was being too pushy. Especially considering she had just said “I’ll see you next weekend”, there was no need for me to ask to spend time with her yesterday. I’m still trying to get used to this idea, that she wants to spend time with me next weekend, but not before it.
I think on balance I sort of got away with it though. Under the circumstances, I think it was understandable that I felt bad for upsetting her, even though I did it as a player as opposed to as a person. The comment about still being mad at me was meant to lighten her mood a bit, kind of my way of saying “it’s just a game”, and I think she took it as such. Although I definitely won’t say anything like this again and I agree I shouldn’t have said it.
However, having asked her if she wanted to eat, she explained to me in detail why she was in a hurry to get in her gym session before it closed early (she had extra coaching today and wouldn’t have been able to go when she normally does). She could have just left it at that, I completely understood and I know how much her training regime means to her. Instead she did invite me to walk with her. Perhaps this was just out of politeness, but I wouldn’t have been offended if she had just said goodbye, it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to do that seeing as she was in a hurry. The fact that she didn’t and instead asked me to join her, may mean she didn’t mind me asking to begin with, or at least understood why I did.
The mutual friend of ours had stopped by and talked to us briefly a few minutes before, and he was hanging around himself as he was one of the only other people who had also finished his game. It made sense for him to join us, I don’t think she was deliberately trying to brush me off, but of course I can’t be sure. We walked back from the coaching last weekend together and it was fine, so I’d be surprised if she was trying to find some way to put off talking to me directly until next weekend. I think they just wanted to catch up as well, and she probably figured I knew him well too/wouldn’t mind him joining us.
Last night she commented on the photo she took of me about my body language in it and we had a joke about it. This is funnily enough the first time she’s written publicly to me online. I also just noticed she posted another photo of me last night that I had missed, so I liked that this afternoon. Other than that, I won’t contact her at all until the weekend. I know she has a busy week that may involve her going to the other side of the country for work, so I’ll leave her to it.
I remember from reading Kevin’s advice that getting back together has to be her idea. I think I need to follow this rule absolutely, and only let her suggest when the two of us should spend time together. That’s the way things were in the beginning as she was married/getting separated and in general I thought it would be better for me to give her space, but she wanted me to be around. I need to get back to this mindset, not have any expectations, and take things very slowly. It’s difficult as there’s always a part of me that feels like I could miss an opportunity if I leave everything up to her, but I know this is the best thing to do. Knowing this and behaving the right way in practice are two different things and I’m still learning as I’m going, but I am becoming much more conscious of not making any mistakes like this in the future.
I think I did ok overall, I managed to get things right on Friday night, and also on Saturday she went for lunch herself and I didn’t ask her to join me or anything like that. Yesterday morning was exceptional in that we were playing and I know how much it would have meant to her to get a result in that game as it’s her last game for at least six weeks and she had just lost two in a row. However, I appreciate that I should have just let her go off herself and just agreed that I’d see her next weekend. I think the fact that we interacted online last night shows that she is over the game result anyway and hopefully doesn’t think I was being too pushy or understands that I meant well.
From now on though I will put no pressure on her or suggest when we should spend time together. I will leave everything up to her. I happen to be off work for two weeks starting this Friday, and I’m playing a big tournament from next Wednesday to Sunday over Easter. She’s not playing as she can’t get the time off work, and the following Sunday after that she’s going to visit her parents for two weeks. We’ve coaching on the day she gets back so that will most likely be the next time that I see her after this weekend (so four weeks from then). If she wants to see me before she goes, there is time, but I appreciate she might be very busy getting ready for her trip and with the tournament there’s no opportunity for me to see her the weekend before that.
I think I need to focus on doing well in the tournament, and I also have my driving theory test the following week. I’ve plenty of things to do, and I guess I’ll just have to see how this weekend goes and if she wants to meet up again before she leaves. I will take all my cues from her, support her without suggesting things, and try not to do anything that may leave her feeling some sort of obligation to me. I’ve gotten this right before, I’m sure I can do it again! Thank you so much for all your advice, I am trying my best! 🙂
Short update: just got a message from her saying she’s really looking forward to our walk this weekend, the trail looks amazing. She’s hoping for good weather but says we can just go back into town if it’s bad. Asked me how I am and how my week is going, told me about her week and ended the message with an x. I’m thrilled!
I replied and just answered all her points, mentioned I’d been checking out the weather and what kind of things to wear/bring, asked her how she is. She seems really excited and so am I! Just going to take it easy, write back whenever she replies but I don’t expect to hear from her straight away or anything. Hoping we just have a lovely time. Thank you! 🙂
Hello again 🙂 I’m not sure where to start! I hope this post won’t be too long but we spent literally all day, 12 hours together yesterday and it was wonderful 🙂 However, I still have no idea where I’m to go from here! I’ll try to be as brief as I can and mention some of the things we talked about that might be relevant and just see what you think? I’m sure I’ll forget some things and mention stuff that might not be important at all but hopefully it will make sense.
Basically I think you’ve been right all along, that she does care about me but realised she wasn’t ready for a relationship, wanted me to be her friend and leave open the option of getting back together in the future. As far as I can see that’s still the case, and I’m just wondering if I should just be patient and let things happen naturally, or if there’s anything I can do or say that she may be hinting at that might re-attract her or give me the best chances to be the man she wants to be with when she’s ready.
So we met up before 11 am yesterday and went to get the train out to the seafront. Turns out they were working on the track and there wouldn’t be a train, on the one day we needed it (neither of us checked this beforehand and just assumed it would be running as normal). So that was bad luck! To make matters worse, we tried to use Google maps to find a bus nearby that would take us there but just couldn’t find the bus stop from the map. So we walked around quite a bit until eventually finding a bus that would take us there.
We chatted quite a bit on the bus, talked about the vegetarian diet book she recommended to me (I’ve only read a bit of it so far but we had a good discussion about it) and she also mentioned the guy from work who said he liked her handed in his notice, and she believed he did it because he wanted a reaction from her and the other staff (“don’t go, we’ll miss you”) and she wouldn’t give him that. Thinks he’s being immature and he’s eating McDonald’s all the time, not looking after himself. She also mentioned that her ex-husband has gone abroad again for a month, she only met him once while he was here, and that he’s not calling the new girl he’s seeing his girlfriend because it’s not that serious.
When we arrived she asked me if I had been talking to my ex. This is a different girl whom I was with from October 2017 until June of last year. Quick background is that she has a child, and we got along fine but she moved to another city for work during the week. We tried to make it work for six months but didn’t get to see each other so often and she was going to be working there longer than she had planned so she broke up with me. All very amicable, but as far as I was concerned, that was it.
She contacted me again after I had started hanging out with my most recent ex (the one you’ve been advising me about) asking to meet up again. I told my most recent ex about this, and at the time, seeing as we were just hanging out as friends, she advised me to meet up with her and maybe ask her if she just wanted to be lovers. I told her that wasn’t my style, I preferred to be in a committed relationship and I didn’t think she’d be on for it either. Also, I didn’t think it was fair for me to be dipping in and out when there is a child involved. All fine and we didn’t talk more about it.
So when she asked me if I had heard from her again, I told her the truth: my previous ex had contacted me in January of this year asking to meet up again. I was surprised, and I spoke to my best friend about it as he had introduced us, and he said he had run into her on the bus, told her I was single again but that I was doing my own thing and she should leave me be. She ignored him and asked me to meet up anyway. This was literally a couple of days after my most recent ex broke up with me so I absolutely didn’t want to meet her and generally I don’t have feelings for her anymore. I just told my most recent ex that I had said I didn’t want to meet up with her again because I wasn’t interested, and left out the part about me being cut up over her at the time.
I know that sounds confusing but I hope it makes sense! I’m only mentioning it because she asked me about her! Also, she then said we should go for another hike sometime and I mentioned we should go to the mountains, that I had been there with my best friend before and it was great. She asked how we got out there and I said he drove, and she said to get him to come with us! She wants to meet him as I’m always talking about him. She also said she didn’t mind who I brought, I could bring my ex, my sister, my father or my mother, we’re just friends and it’s no big deal. I was a bit taken aback but laughed it off and said they probably wouldn’t be up for it.
We talked on a couple of occasions about our past relationship. She asked me how she looked a couple of times, or when she’d eaten she asked if her mouth was dirty, and I answered in various ways, sometimes joking and saying yes, it did look dirty and other times just genuinely answering her. She referenced our previous relationship a few times, saying I’ve seen her in many different ways, with and without make-up and she knew I didn’t mind how she looked. I said she’d never seen me in make-up and she said she had, that I often took the make-up off her face when we were kissing! So lots of jokes about that, and we even reminisced on some of the good times we had together.
She said she’s finally starting to feel like herself again. She reminded me that she was a mess when we met and started seeing each other, and that now she feels a lot better. She said she never could have done it without me. She thanked me for helping her and being so good to her. I said I was glad I could help, and she also mentioned how she thought for almost two months that I hated her (after we broke up and the way I acted). I reminded her that I already tried to apologise for that and explained it was a misunderstanding, and she said she remembered and understood why I had behaved that way. I told her I know it didn’t make it right but she seems to have forgiven me.
She said that she hopes there’s no hard feelings between us and that she thinks we’re good as friends. I agreed there were no hard feelings and that it was up to her, that I always said right from the beginning that I enjoyed spending time with her, in whatever capacity. She said she basically tried to swap her husband for me, and that it seemed like a really good idea in theory but didn’t work out in practice. I agreed. She said she doesn’t know what the future holds but right now she’s happy being single.
We had similar conversations throughout the day. She said she wasn’t ready to emotionally invest in a relationship. I said I had learned how important it is to have your own life on track before getting involved with someone else, that you should be happy in yourself and not need anyone else to complete your life. She agreed. Later on I also said “not all relationships have to be as intense as the one we had”, to let her know that I realised it was too intense and she agreed.
I mentioned a few things that I had done since we broke up, getting started with the driving, I’m also preparing an online course to sell, the Thai boxing, and all of the things I’m doing in work and spending time with my friends. She talked about the course she’s starting and how excited she is to visit her parents in a couple of weeks.
Speaking of which, on the way back she video called her mother and introduced me! Her parents don’t speak English (I actually started learning her language on Duolingo just before we broke up, and she knows that, but I haven’t been keeping it up and I told her that too). Her father also joined the video call, and afterwards I made a joke about a time where she had refused to meet my sister when we were passing her in work because I hadn’t warned her in advance, and now she expected me to meet both her parents at once! We had a lot of laughs throughout the day.
She told me her mum had been asking how the day with me was going and she said we’re just friends. Her mum often asks about the men in her life, and she mentioned that there are the guys in work (who don’t really count apparently), her ex-husband and me! I asked her just out of curiosity if she’d ever tell her mum about what happened between us, and she said she probably wouldn’t because she didn’t want to worry her. I said she mightn’t worry because it’s already happened, and she said sometimes she stays up drinking wine with her and chatting and she may tell her then. I wasn’t pressuring her, just curious, and I think she took it as such. I was surprised she’d told her parents about me at all, but I am delighted she has.
She also remarked about how I very rarely post things on social media. She said she had a look the other day and noticed that all the recent photos I’m tagged in are all ones she’s taken, as if she’s my personal photographer! She also said she had sent her mum a link to my page to check me out, but her mum just said there’s nothing to see, that I don’t post anything! My page is also private because I work with children.
I said I simply don’t have any interest in posting anything, I just use it to keep in touch with people and look at memes, and that I don’t need the attention. She said “you’re a man” as in she understood that I wasn’t looking for attention. She also showed me that she has almost 400 unanswered friend requests, mostly from men she doesn’t know! Including her first boyfriend who cheated on her and stalked her for years. She posts a lot of photos, but only because she feels good about herself and not for attention, which I understand as well. I wonder if this is an area I could improve on, posting more on social media, or does she just accept that’s the way I feel about it and I’m not looking for online validation?
There was one moment that caught me completely off-guard and I probably could have reacted a lot better and turned it to my advantage if I’d been ready. She wanted me to take a photo of her using her professional camera. I said I didn’t think I’d ever held anything this expensive. She said I’d held her. I said yeah, I wouldn’t want to drop her and she said “you’d take me back that quickly?” I hadn’t meant that at all and I was taken aback that she said it! I paused and looked at her but she didn’t make eye contact. I just said something about not wanting to break her (sticking with the camera comparison) but it was a bit awkward and I wasn’t sure how to take it. I guess if I had been ready it would have been a good time to use Kevin’s “I’d be as skeptical as you are…” line but I guess it’s not a big deal? Funny moment, but I suppose she was trying to suss out if I was over her or trying to get her back?
We stopped briefly to have food on the hillside. I had packed lots of different types of veg in case she wanted any, but instead she just had some chocolate and nuts that she had brought and shared with me, and I shared some bread and rice cakes with her which she really liked. When we finally got to the end of the trail, we got some food in a restaurant. I looked at some messages in my friends’ WhatsApp group, and one of them was going for drinks. She encouraged me to go, but no one else said they were going so I said I wouldn’t. Also, she was supposed to meet her brother in the afternoon but that didn’t work out either, which she didn’t mind. I think she was trying to show me I didn’t have to just stick around and spend time with her, even though that’s what I wanted to do and what I expected. I wonder if she’s trying hard to convince me that she’s fine by herself? I’d never cut short time with her to hang out with someone else!
Then we missed the train back (we went the wrong way to the station, it was my fault) and we decided to walk back along the hike trail and then get the bus. That’s why we were out for the entire day! I joked saying I knew all along she’d want to walk back as well and we had a good laugh about it.
On the way back she played Sinatra songs on her phone. When “Something Stupid” came on she joined in with the chorus (“Saying something stupid like I love you”). I didn’t pick her up on it, just let it pass, but I think she does regret telling me she loved me so early and maybe blames herself for how intense things became? I probably should have said something about it but we were just enjoying the walk.
Right from the beginning she’s often told me to abruptly “shut up” whenever she wants peace and quiet. She did that a few times on the way back. It’s just her manner and I find it endearing, the silence never lasts long for either of us. It felt very like our first time hanging out when we were abroad, and in fact we both drew many comparisons between the two coasts and how lovely they both were.
On the way back she kept stopping to take photos every couple of minutes. I teased her a little bit about it but I didn’t mind and she thanked me for being patient.
She asked me if I would like to spend time with her again after the day. I made a joke about carrying her stuff, waiting for her to take all of these pictures, putting up with her telling me to shut up and hummed and hawed about my answer jokingly. She said she was genuinely worried I’d say no because I’m usually so nice and sincere, that when I make a joke like that she wonders if I’m being serious. I toned it back then and said “Sure, I guess so”, we laughed and she was happy then.
At the very end she had to run for her tram. She text me on the way home apologising for running off like that, she wanted to hug me properly and that she was very grateful for such a beautiful day and thanked me for being so patient (heart emoji). I said no worries, agreed it was a beautiful day and thanked her for looking after me with all her snacks and teaching me some photography skills. I also said she should feel free to call me when she gets off her tram if she wants to. She text me when she got home thanking me again and sent me three xs, so I won’t mention calling me when she gets off the tram again, she obviously doesn’t need to.
She sent me all of the photos this morning and a message thanking me for such a beautiful day and saying how much she loved being out in the open. She also mentioned that she knows I’m playing the tournament next weekend and that she’ll look into going somewhere herself, hiking for single people. She said she feels really happy and healthy right now and that I am so good to her. I just replied and thanked her too, mentioned I’m tied up with the tournament next weekend but that I’m sure we can sort something out again and that I’m thrilled she’s so happy.
And that’s that! I apologise again for the length of this post and for any unnecessary details I’ve mentioned, but I hope I haven’t left out anything important. I think the bottom line is she just wants to be friends for now. But she did mention twice that she doesn’t know what the future holds, so I think there are chances for us to get back together eventually. I just don’t know if there’s anything I can do to increase the chances of that happening other than just keep going the way I’ve been going? I don’t want to be permanently friend-zoned of course, but I also need to respect her wishes. I am genuinely fine with just
spending time with her, I just need to know I’m doing everything I can.Yesterday it struck me more than ever how alike we are. We both have full time jobs and coach on the side for a living. I think she needs more friends and people she can trust, talk to and spend time with. Perhaps if she had more girl friends she’d be more likely to want a relationship with a man? Should I try to bring a friend with me next time we meet up?
There doesn’t seem to be anyone else she wants to be with, but maybe she feels like she still hasn’t fully got her life in order yet? Or perhaps she still remembers how intense our relationship was and is reluctant to get involved in that again when we can spend time together as friends without the huge commitment that was involved last time? I already said I realised how intense things were between us and how not all relationships have to be like that. Do you think I should bring up the things I did wrong during the relationship which I apologised for before? Thank you so very much again 🙂
I think you’re over-analyzing every word and deed. You’ve been friend zoned and there’s no way to know if that will ever change in the future. Is there anything you can do or say to re-attract her or give you the best chances to be the man she wants to be with when she’s ready? I would say she already knows the man you are. NO, don’t post more on social media just because she commented on it! Regarding the camera incident when you said you wouldn’t want to drop her and she said “you’d take me back that quickly” was a strange remark as I’m sure she already knows you want her back! It was rude to look at phone messages when you were out with her and you shouldn’t have done it. She might regret saying she loved you so early, but that’s her own fault and nothing more needs to be said about it as it’s past history. There’s nothing endearing about being told to shut up! If she wants more girlfriend, she can manage that herself if she wants, so I don’t think you should bring along a female friend because it would seem like you’re trying to show her what she needs in your opinion. No, you shouldn’t continue to apologize for things you did wrong during the relationship – once is enough!
To tell you the truth, I think you’re getting deeper and deeper into the friend zone. I hate to say it, but maybe it’s time you cut loose and let her know you want more than friendship and that she needs to think about that. And when and if she’s ever ready to consider it, you would like a conversation with her about how to reconcile. But you can’t wait around forever for her to change her mind. If she thinks she might lose you, it might prompt her to seriously consider how good you’ve always treated her. I know she says she appreciated your kindness, but does she want to possibly lose such a good man? That is the question. And I don’t think she’s as fragile as you think she is! She seems to enjoy having you dangling on a string like a puppet. Maybe it’s time to stand up for yourself..
Thank you. I’ve been wondering this myself. Just to clarify, she was also on her phone sending messages to her mother as we were waiting for food, that’s when I took it out to check it. For the most part we kept our phones in our bags while we were walking. I agree it’s rude to do it in company, but it was in response to her doing the same.
Thank you for opening my eyes in this way. I feel spending time with her as a friend may be preventing me from moving on. I’m not in any hurry to be with anyone, I don’t go to clubs chasing women or online dating, it’s not my thing. I’m perfectly content working on myself, my career and my interests. The thing is, when we first starting spending time together, there was definite sexual tension between us, and she always said that even if we’re hanging out, I shouldn’t avoid pursuing other women. That period didn’t last for long as we ended up sleeping together after a few weeks, but it didn’t feel like that tension was present yesterday.
I know there’s no other men in her life that she prefers to me, but I get the feeling she also thinks she can do better, maybe because I treated her so well and because of all of this attention she gets online. I think you’re right, I need to push it and let her know that I’m not just here for her benefit.
She has told me she has low self-esteem before. She said she felt really down on herself when the guy from work told her he liked her and when I came over to surprise her and slept with her. She felt both of us were only interested in her physically. This might be just nonsense, but if it’s true and I do put it up to her, she might just feel like I only ever wanted to sleep with her?
I feel like I have been too nice. That’s another reason why I was teasing her yesterday, trying to redress that balance. But I can see exactly what you mean. I think I’ll do what I should have done when she first said we should just be friends. I lost my cool then and laid into her, but instead I should give her the same message but calmly.
So perhaps if I (literally paraphrase what you’ve just said) say “Hey, hope had a good day and got some rest. I’ve been thinking a lot about yesterday and everything that has happened between us. It was nice to spend time with you again. However, I’ve decided I want more than friendship. I’d like you to think about this. When and if you’re ever ready to consider it, I would like to talk to you about how we could reconcile, but I can’t wait around forever for you to change your mind.”
Does that sound ok? I don’t want to be too abrupt or sound out of character so I might change it a bit and end it with something like “I hope you understand. Talk to you soon.”
Thank you again. I have been patient and if it was right for me to continue doing so I would be, but it’s like she’s trying to get all the benefits of a relationship and being treated well without any of the commitment!
Maybe she has low self-esteem or maybe she doesn’t. Posting so much on social media is a way to seek out extra attention and some people with an inflated ego do that. “She also showed me that she has almost 400 unanswered friend requests, mostly from men she doesn’t know!” And to tell you about the hundreds of friend requests, shows she has an insatiable appetite for attention. She will say or do anything to get sympathy or compliments etc..
She said she felt used when you slept with her even though she initiated and went along with it. It seems like it was just another ploy to get sympathy. You already assured her that you were not just interested in her physically, so don’t bring it up again.. it’s past history and you two already discussed it!
Your message sounds okay, but just end it with “I hope you understand”. Don’t say “Talk to you soon”. Make the message short, to the point, and polite.
Regarding the Frank Sinatra song:”..she joined in with the chorus (“Saying something stupid like I love you”). I’m starting to think she’s something of a nag and very manipulative. But you know her better than I do. You two weren’t in a ‘relationship’ very long so maybe you don’t know her as well as you think. Whatever you do, try to be objective about whether or not you should try to continue with her. IE: Don’t just think of the good times. Think of the times she was rude to you too etc..
Thank you. I definitely didn’t need to know about all of her friend requests! She posted two gym selfies this week and then complained about getting ten extra friend requests because of them. She said she only posted them because she felt so good about much she had ran that day, but whichever way you look at it, it’s definitely attention seeking.
Yes I was always sceptical about that. At the time I felt so guilty about going back on my word about seeing her on Xmas day, all I was doing was trying to make it up to her. I was fully prepared for her landlady to be home and that I may have to just leave the coffee and the meal I brought for her there and go back home. I also felt she was being totally unfair because she did initiate it.
Today she posted up a few pictures from yesterday and changed her profile picture. No mention of me, and no photos that I took of her so it looks like she was just there herself. I’ve no problem with that, I’m a private person and don’t like people knowing my business, but it also shows she’s not ready to be publicly seen with me. If we’re “just friends” like she keeps saying, it’s not normal to pretend that I wasn’t there!
Thank you for the advice about the message, I will definitely keep it short and just let her know how I feel. The first time around she said we were just friends and that she wasn’t sure how she felt about me, and a few days after I agreed to just be friends with her she invited me over for dinner and we slept together! It doesn’t seem like she’s going to have a change of heart like that a second time around.
It was a tricky situation for both of us and I certainly didn’t handle it perfectly, but I always did try my very best. I will definitely keep in mind that I may not know her as well as I think. There were times where she was rude to me and she blamed it on her period (which I always thought she should be used to at this stage!) But mostly when we were together she was overjoyed to spend time with me, and we grew to have great chemistry in the bedroom too. Being friends with me suits her now, but I already have friends and generally feel like I’ve worked hard to have my life on the right track, and I felt the same before I met her.
She feels like she’s back to being herself, but doesn’t feel emotionally ready for a relationship. She also says she doesn’t have time for one with her coaching and the course she’s going to be starting soon. I am wondering if this is best for either of us. I do care deeply about her, even though I know she has her flaws too. Every week she would have second thoughts when we were together but I would always be able to say the right thing and help her feel better about herself. If she doesn’t want a relationship that’s her decision, but me being available to spend time with her whenever she wants isn’t good for me either.
I will think more about it and send her the message tomorrow evening I think. I have the tournament coming up on Wednesday and want to be in the right frame of mind for it, but I also don’t want to drag this out any longer. Thank you!
Hello again 🙂 I sent her the message last night. She replied tonight and apologised for taking so long. She said she really likes me but is not prepared for a relationship. She says she has found a balance in her life. She’s not choosing anyone else over me, she has no one else. She just wants to spend time with friends. She apologised for giving me the impression that she was “making up her mind”. She says she doesn’t want to lose contact with me but is not in a position to give me what I want/need and that I’m free to go for whomever I like. She needs no one to be in a relationship with right now, maybe she is just scarred. She’s focusing on other aspects of her life and is getting all of the love she needs from her family, whom she has grown really close to. She says she is the issue, not me and would hate to hurt me. She wants to keep me close if it’s not too hard on me.
I did not see this as genuine. I saw it as manipulation. However, I replied and said I wasn’t asking her to be in a relationship, but simply to talk about reconciliation. I reminded her that I spoke to her before about the issues in our relationship and tried to make amends for my part in them. She had said she would take time to process these but had not mentioned them since. I was asking her to think about these issues and how we might solve them. I said if she truly appreciates me, she’ll consider what I’ve said.
She asked me to clarify what I was looking for from her, seeing as I said I wasn’t asking her to be in a relationship. I said I just wanted her to think about the issues and talk about reconciliation. Talking about it and actually reconciling are two different things.
She replied and said “What’s the point in that?” The main thing was that she was not emotionally ready. She was a mess and that I am aware of that. Things went too far too soon. She jumped from relationship to relationship with no break, which was not good. The timing was bad.
She then said who knows what the future holds. She is happy with how things are and if I am not then to please let her know. She would very much like to be friends with me but if it is impossible she understands.
I just said she has said herself that she is no longer a mess. Bad timing is now no longer an issue. She knows the kind of man I am and although I have made mistakes, I have shown time and again that I am open to discussing them, dealing with them and making amends for them. If she is not willing to do the same then I can’t wait around indefinitely for her to be ready “in the future”.
That’s it so far, I’m sure she’s gone to bed. A lot of this is probably unnecessary, the message is clear. She doesn’t care about me at all or thinks that I’m bluffing. I will leave it to her to reply to that final message. If she does or doesn’t, I might write and say something like “I don’t want a friend. I want a girlfriend. I want someone who appreciates me and is willing to put the effort in to be with me. If you would rather be single than be with me I respect your decision, but I can’t be there for you in that case. I hope you understand.” And draw a line under it and leave it at that.
I really appreciate everything you have done for me and all of the advice you have given me. I have learned so much. It seems like this girl isn’t the one for me. I think I am doing the right thing cutting loose from her. She is simply not interested anymore and I won’t waste my time with her. I still have to see her when we’re coaching and we will be working together and staying in a hotel together during the summer. I will be civil for the sake of the work, but I will completely ignore her otherwise. She has received so much emotional support from me at difficult times in her life, and it really looks like she doesn’t appreciate any of it. It’s time I moved on. Thank you for helping me see that.
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