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Hello again! I just heard back from her tonight 🙂 this is what she said:”hi Arnold. how are you? listen i was thinking of writng u for a while! maybe we can meet up sometimes and give it another go at being friends?? ^_^ i d really like to be your friend if you d still have me around. best of luck this weekend.” I am delighted and i think i will just reply and thank her and say I’d like that very much. Maybe arrange to see her next weekend if she’d like to. I feel like the response could be crucial but i also don’t want to leave her hanging and I will reply tonight. I am so glad she seems to have forgiven me and I will try to take it from here, as long as it takes. Thank you for all your help!
I am sorry for seeking advice again as you have already helped me so much. I just feel like the next step is crucial and I am a bit confused as to how I should act. I would really appreciate your opinion.
I asked her if she would like to meet up this Saturday evening for coffee and she said she would. It turns out that her grandmother died last Friday, and this may have been part of the reason she reached out to me when she did. She was feeling alone and vulnerable and needed a friend. She was unable to go home to attend the funeral as she had to represent her office in court, so she was naturally very upset and disappointed about this as well.
She said nothing about our previous conversation and just said that I’m a very nice person and she really needs a friend.
I am happy to be there for her and hope to help her feel better. I have already sent her condolences and several messages to try and cheer her up and she has appreciated them. I haven’t heard back from her since Tuesday but I expect she’ll message me either tonight or in the morning.
I think she feels she wants to just be friends for now. I am hoping that we just have a lovely evening, that she feels she can trust me again, and that I can give her the emotional support that she needs.
However, knowing what happened between us before, I’m also concerned that things may move very quickly, especially if we end up going for drinks afterwards. In the past I have always either gotten the tram with her and then walked her to her door (as the walk is unlit and quite lonely unaccompanied), or she has called me when she gets off the tram in order to feel more secure. It sort of depends on how late it is but in any case I would prefer to walk her to the door, even though it adds potentially two hours to my journey, I just want to make sure she is safe. I’m planning to offer both options to her and see what she says.
My concern is that I know she is emotionally vulnerable and as much as I want to reconcile with her, I don’t want to take advantage of her emotional state. If we happen to have a great time together and rekindle our spark, I don’t want to rush into anything with her again, but I also don’t want to miss my chance.
The first time we agreed to be “just friends”, we had a long conversation about it, she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me but wanted me to be rational and just be her friend. A couple of days later however, we went on a lovely romantic hike near the beach and she told me much later that she had really wanted me to kiss her then. Two days after that hike we ended up sleeping together and that’s when everything started.
I’m sure she doesn’t want to fall into the same pattern again and rush things with me. I’m also well aware that she may not want to get back with me at all and truly just sees me as a friend. I’m happy in any case and just want what’s best for her. However, I don’t want to ruin any romantic moments we may share by not taking the chance to, for example, kiss her if there is still strong chemistry between us.
I know I’m probably over-analysing again, and a lot depends on how tomorrow evening goes, but I’m just looking for your opinion in general: should I err on the side of caution and risk missing my chance to get back with her? I feel that I should and that no matter how much it might seem that she wants to rekindle our spark, she most likely isn’t emotionally ready and she’ll realise that before long.
If an opportunity arises where it seems like we’re getting very close to each other, perhaps I should just ask her how she feels? Again I don’t want to ruin the moment or pressure her. Should I just treat it as a friendly meet-up no matter what?
Thank you again for all of your advice. I understand that I’m probably thinking too much about this, but I also feel like it’s a tricky situation and I want to be prepared as much as I can for how things might play out. Knowing our history together, these were more or less similar circumstances to how we first got together, and it’s possible that things may go in the same direction again.
If she simply wants someone to talk to and spend time with, I’m happy to be that person. I would hope that she’d appreciate me not rushing into anything and that even if it seems like she wants something to happen straight away, she wouldn’t hold it against me if I was “rational” and held back. At the same time, I am concerned about her potentially feeling rejected if things are going really well and look like they can go further. Especially considering the confusing way in which things ended with us before. She told me she felt weak for getting involved with me and just wanted to be friends, and then I took that completely the wrong way and initiated NC. I am thrilled that she seems to feel like she can trust me again and wants to spend time with me, and I’m perfectly happy if that’s all there is to this. I just feel like I have spent the NC period healing and getting to grips with everything, but that she may just be in a similar emotional state to when I first met her/when we broke up.
I hope this comes across the way it’s intended! I completely understand that she may simply just want to spend time together and lean on me for emotional support, and that’s fine, I want to be there for her. I’m just worried that if the right thing for me to do is to just be friendly and keep a certain distance between us, I might push her away. The first time around I took everything she said at face value and tried to just be friends with her, but it turned out to not be what she wanted at all.
I know I can’t guess what’s going on in her head, but I feel like it’s a delicate situation, she’s decided to trust me again, and if I misread something I could damage that. I’m also aware that what she might feel she wants in the moment may not be what’s best for her or for either of us if she’s emotional fragile.
Apologies for the length of this post and for over-analysing again! I just feel I need some reassurance on what the best approach might be in this case. Thank you so much again!
Just curious; were there times you took the train to see her and go for lunch or dinner? Did she ever catch the train earlier in the day to go out with you and then go back earlier during daylight hours? Where did the sleep-overs take place?
Yes, be yourself and be supportive. Greet her with a big hug and quick kiss on the lips. Listen to her and add suggestions if she asks. Why not take her to dinner? Don’t drink too much and follow her lead as to something more romantic. You could also say you still love her and care about her very much.
Go at it with no expectations up front as this is the first meeting (date) since the breakup.
Good luck:)
Thank you again! 🙂 There’s not much to do around where she lives so we didn’t usually go out around that area. There’s a shopping centre near her that we could have gone to, but it just didn’t happen. Near the beginning there were times where she would get the tram to town, I would meet her and we’d get the bus to places near me, maybe once or twice in the day time. I think on the occasions this happened she would stay with her brother (who lives a couple of miles away from me, more or less the same area). Then as we got closer, we would meet up earlier in the day but would end up spending the whole day and sometimes the whole night together, or I would leave her place at 1:30 in the morning to catch the night tram. The sleepovers were all at her place, although I did visit her at her brother’s too, once when he was there in the evening, she introduced me, and another time when he was at work in the morning.
Sorry clicked “enter” before I had finished! I definitely plan to hug her first thing, and I would like nothing more than to kiss her on the lips too, but I’m wondering would I be coming on too strong? She has said she just needs a friend and I’d be worried about pushing it too much too early?
I’d love to take her to dinner too, and there’s a good chance we’ll go for food if she’s hungry. She doesn’t like people buying her dinner and insists on paying for herself, and she’s also trying to save money and so prefers not to go anywhere expensive! I will definitely suggest food (I’d imagine she will be hungry as she has a game in town before we meet up) and I have a couple of places in mind if she wants to, but it might end up just being coffee. I will definitely listen to her and see if there’s anywhere romantic she’d like to go or even just go for a stroll (town is lovely in general at night time).
I would love to treat it as a date, but she has contacted me under the pretense of us just being friends, and I think that’s where my confusion lies: I want her to know I can be there for her without putting pressure on her to get back together.
Do you think she would have reached out to me if she genuinely just wanted a friend, or is she seriously considering getting back together? I know it’s very difficult to tell, but I feel like if I tell her I still love her and be very direct, I might just push her away.
I told her when I was apologising to her a few weeks ago that I had realised she was still the same person I fell in love with. I know that’s not quite saying “I love you”, but she did say before that she felt we had said “I love you” to each other too soon. She also mentioned that everything was too intense last time. I would love to be up front to her about my feelings for her, but I also don’t want her to feel under pressure to get involved with me again so quickly, if she genuinely just needs a friend in her time of grief. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see how we get along together?
Thank you so much again! I feel much more confident about everything and I’m really looking forward to spending time with her 🙂
Okay, I guess a quick kiss on the lips is out and saying I still love you too.
I guess it’s just a matter of words as to whether you call it a date or meetup. The important thing is that she’s willing to see you. Yeah, play it by ear and I hope it goes well!
Thank you again 🙂 I’m afraid she just cancelled 🙁 She says she cancelled dinner last night with a friend and also with her ex-husband on Wednesday. She feels that being around people right now is like pretending she’s ok when she’s not. She says she needs some time. She cried on Thursday night after having “been strong for so long”. She says she feels very weak right now and will let me know when she feels better. I don’t know if she’s still playing her match or not. She apologised for complaining so much and for letting me down.
I will reply and be supportive and understanding. I am disappointed at not being able to see her, as I think I could show her a great time and help her feel a lot better, but I totally respect her decision. I will be seeing her next Sunday for coaching anyway and I will let her know that there’s no pressure on her, but that if she feels like talking or meeting up before then, she knows I’m here for her.
Thank you again for all of the advice, it’s so helpful and I feel so much better about how to act when I eventually do get to see her. I am hoping she will feel better soon but she has been through so much. I will try to help her any way I can.
Thank you 🙂 She has been through so much, with her separation, everything that happened between the two of us, she also had a problem in work that she lodged an official complaint about, and now with her grandmother dying and her missing the funeral, she’s suffered so much more over the past few months than anyone should. I wrote her a long message telling her how strong she is, not to feel guilty about missing the funeral as there was nothing she could have done, linking her to bereavement counselling services and telling her I’m always here for her. She just reacted with the heart-eyed emoji.
I hope she’ll be ok and if I don’t hear from her I might check in with her later in the week. She’s quite introverted and will probably try to deal with everything herself, despite the fact that there are support services available. She’s also conscious of not worrying her parents, and her brother is younger than her so I’m not sure how much she’ll confide in him. I may be the only person she is being truly honest with and I hope I can live up to the responsibility. At the same time I don’t want to hassle her. She says she needs time and I want to respect her wishes.
I’ll be seeing her tomorrow week for coaching anyway. I’d love to see her before then but I doubt she’ll feel up to rescheduling. I think it’s going to take some time for her to recover from all of this. I’m just going to do all I can to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to and make sure she knows that.
Thank you again. I really hope that she will feel better soon. She’s going home for two weeks in about a month’s time, I’m hoping that will be a lovely, relaxing holiday for her. I will continue to be patient and just look out for her as best I can.
Back again a lot sooner than I thought! She messaged me this morning thanking me for my message yesterday and telling me that I’m such a good friend. She also said that she played her game yesterday and lost, but really enjoyed it and feels a lot better. She’s going to the seaside with her brother today and is looking forward to the fresh air. She thanked me for caring, wished me to have a lovely Sunday and ended the message with an X.
All very positive and I’m delighted she’s feeling better. I hope it’s not temporary, she often had ups and downs when we were together too. I’m not sure if she’s really just “friendzoned” me as this is very similar to the conversations we would have when we first started seeing each other. I’m seeing her next Sunday for coaching and I don’t think I should ask her to meet before then, I don’t want to seem pushy and I already told her I’m here for her.
The place she’s going to today with her brother is the same place I mentioned the other day where we went for a romantic walk/hike after we had decided to be just friends, but where she had wanted me to kiss her. I’m thinking of working in a memory picture description into the message, but I feel like it could be a double-edged sword: she will already be comparing it to her trip today, the weather is a bit better, and I’m sure she’ll have a lovely time with her brother. I also feel the timing is a bit off after the way she felt yesterday.
Sorry again! When we were there one of the romantic moments was me shielding her from the wind on the pier at sunset. We also had a picnic (that she prepared the food for!) on a summit overlooking the seaside. With the way we were sitting, my leg went dead and she had to hold on to me until the feeling returned.
I’m thinking of making some quip about how it should be a bit warmer than October and say it’s a lovely day for a picnic and hope her brother doesn’t lose all feeling in his leg, something like that. In a way it feels like a missed opportunity, but the romantic memory text might seem a bit too full on and this way will still get her thinking about the time we spent there together. She’s also been there before with family and her ex-husband, and recently posted a picture of her sitting on the pier there about a year ago.
What do you think? Should I avoid sending a full on memory text? Or maybe not mention it altogether? I could keep it brief and say “I know how much you love it there”, and just save the memory text for later? I have other occasions in mind to use for a memory text if it feels right. If I get sentimental with her now I feel like it might put her off, as this is the first time she’s hung out with her brother since their grandmother died and she already has a lot to think about.
Sorry, I know I’m overthinking again, it just helps me to write all of this out before replying to her. And thank you once again for all of your advice! You’ve helped me all the way through NC to initiate positive interactions with her again! I also feel like this thread is much longer than any of the others I’ve looked at! I can’t thank you enough 🙂
OMG – No, don’t send a memory text! Maybe some other time, but not now or anytime soon..
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