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Thank you, I will tell them tonight. The only thing is, they will probably straight up ask me if I slept with her, as they may not believe I stayed over with her and nothing happened. She did say that she was just used to waking up beside someone, and I had a girlfriend before who I wasn’t sleeping with who also wanted me to stay over and sleep beside her (I never took her up on it and we broke up!), so I’ll mention that and hope they understand.
All I meant was that by the time the referendum is held, passes, and legislation is drawn up, she’ll probably have been separated from her husband for five years and will be able to get a divorce under the current laws anyway!
I guess I’m just worried that I’ve already messed up any chance of getting back with her by how I acted. I feel very confident in myself, I was happy with my life before I met her, and I’m happy with it again. I love my job, my hobbies are going well, and I love coaching. I know I’ll be in a good mood on Sunday from that and I’m sure I’ll feel confident talking to her. I am concerned about how the conversation will go, if she agrees to have lunch with me at all.
Should I just keep it casual and friendly, or should I use the opportunity to (briefly) address the elephant in the room and apologise for the way I acted and the things I said? Having thought about everything, I really want to let her know that I understand where she was coming from and that she was right in what she said, we did get off to a bad start, and I had no right to say she never loved me or let her think that it was all her fault.
I feel that before I discovered this site and received all of this advice, I sort of half-assed applied some of the principles mentioned here and complicated an already complex situation even further. For example, I already sort of sent her an “elephant in the room” style text, but only after a week of no contact, and then I didn’t contact her for four weeks after that until I saw her last weekend. I also ended the text by wishing her luck and implying I wouldn’t contact her again.
I guess I won’t know how to proceed until after I see her on Sunday, but I’m also not sure if I should bring up anything about our relationship when I talk to her, or how I should react if she brings something up. Maybe I should just play it cool either way and not get into details?
Not only is she trying to move on from me, she’s also still moving on from her marriage, and may not want a relationship at all. She did say I helped her get through her separation initially, and even thanked me for that, but she also decided to end things with me. I found out that she’s starting college in four months, which is great for her, she talked about doing it while we were together. I just want her to be happy, preferably happy with me of course, but mainly happy with herself! However, I know from reading the articles and emails that there will probably be a point where she really misses me, and I don’t want to miss that window of opportunity to build up trust and a connection with her again, but I know she needs to be ready too.
I guess having thought about everything so much, and feeling like I mostly understand what went wrong, I’m really keen to let her know this and that I would handle everything much better if we did get back together. Hopefully things will be clearer after Sunday and I can think about how to apply of the strategies and advice depending on how it goes? Thank you again for listening and advising me!
Did she ever reply to the elephant in the room apology text?
I think you should apologize for all the mean things you’ve done and said (if different from what you’ve already apologized for in the text). You need to be open and honest about details if she asks any questions. Then ask if she would like to go for lunch that day or another time.. and ask if she needs more time (no contact) to sort things out in her own mind.
Did she tell you she’s starting college in 4 months? Is it a local college or will she be out of state?
She did reply. Just after the break up I asked her not to contact me, that I was in a bad place and needed space. She asked if she could do anything to make it better, said she understood, and said she was very hurt and messed up herself. She said she felt she was on a self-destructive path for a while and shouldn’t bring anyone with her, and was sorry for dragging me into “this mess”. She wished me luck.
I didn’t message her for a week, then I sent her the elephant-in-the-room-style text. I said I was sorry for the things I said and the way I acted, that I was emotional and realised I was just being a bit silly. I said “I’m over it now and I’ve moved on. I’ll always look back on our time together fondly. Good luck with everything and take care”.
She replied and thanked me for the message. She said she had been worried about me. She said “that’s fine, I think I can understand…I am also sorry for the way I acted.” She wished me luck and sent me a smiling hug emoji. And that was it.
Thank you for the advice about Sunday. I will be honest but I won’t push her into discussing something she mightn’t be ready to talk about. Do you think I need to apologise again and be more specific? The college is in the city centre, so she won’t have to move from where she lives right now and I’m also closer to it than she would be. Thank you again.
After you asked her not to contact you, her response was sweet and genuine. I get the impression she cares for you very much, but isn’t in the right frame of mind for a relationship. And yet it seems she left it open to the possibility of reuniting at a later time after she adjusts to leaving her husband and feels better about her new path in life.
Your message”“I’m over it now and I’ve moved on. I’ll always look back on our time together fondly. Good luck with everything and take care”.
OMG! This sounds like a final farewell. Her reply sounds like a very polite acceptance of your decision to move on and makes me think she is a very nice person!
I think you messed up by sending that sort of message. You should’ve simply apologized. Yes, apologize again and be more specific. Then you could ask her if she has any questions or anything she wants to say or add..
I pray all goes well for both of you:)
Yes, I agree! My first impression of her was that she’s a wonderful person and that’s why I fell in love with her. And after weeks of not talking I still can’t imagine someone I’d rather be with. It’s just that in the few days before we broke up, she had been brushing me off and didn’t want to engage in conversation, and I felt very hurt that she was ignoring my messages since we were so used to talking all of the time. I understand now that it was probably because she simply didn’t know how to tell me without hurting me.
The present I had got her for her birthday was very special, it was a book of mine that I got signed by her favourite author who plays for my team in England. She said it was even more special seeing as it was something I owned (she never wanted expensive presents). In light of this, when she said she wanted to spend her birthday with people from work, I was very hurt. I took it well, all I said then was that I wanted to treat her to dinner/drinks if she’d let me, and give her the present, and it didn’t have to be on her birthday itself, but she never replied. Then when I asked her again the next day she ignored me too.
I spoke to my best friend about it and he said it sounded like she was “done” with me. So I asked her to tell me how she was feeling, and when she told me that she was fine but felt like she’d made a mistake saying she loved me, felt weak for getting involved with me so soon after her marriage, and just assumed that we’d still be friends, I took that to mean that I had helped her get over her marriage and was being tossed aside. That’s why I reacted the way I did.
I now see that the relationship being so intense to begin with was the problem. I also read back over some of the messages we had exchanged, and she said right from the beginning that all she wanted for Christmas was to spend time with me. I broke her trust when I told her only on Christmas Eve that I couldn’t see her, when I had said I hoped I would be able to. The reason I couldn’t was because I hadn’t been honest with my parents about how we felt about each other. They thought we were just friends, and that we had already been spending so much time with each other, I should pull back, and that Christmas was family time. They may still have said that I needed to be home on Christmas Day, but they would have also understood why I really wanted to see her if they’d known we were in love.
I felt so guilty all day Christmas Day and I was so worried about her. I tried to make it up to her the following day by surprising her at her house with coffee and a meal, but when we ended up sleeping together, she felt I had only come over for that, even though she had initiated it. I couldn’t believe she had suggested that as I thought she knew I wasn’t like that. I should have made more allowances for her emotional state. I apologised sincerely and reassured her, and I thought we patched things up well after that, but it was never the same and I really feel that was a turning point for us. I don’t know if something else would have derailed everything, but I think I need to mention this to her as well and apologise for that too.
I had always told her she never had to worry about hurting me, and that she never had to apologise to me for how she felt. I said I understood she was going through such a difficult time and I admired her strength and courage. I even said that if she decided we should just be friends, all she needed to do was talk to me about it first and I would still be happy to support her, all I wanted to do was spend time with her. I truly meant every word I said and believed it in theory, but when it came to that point, I feel like I let her down.
The night after I sent her that final text I lay down and cried for over half an hour. I’ve never done that before in my life over anything. I knew it didn’t feel right and there was so much I had left unsaid. So I wrote her a letter a couple of weeks later, and I was going to send it to her along with the birthday present and some concert tickets I had got for us (they were a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine’s gift that I ended up giving to a friend of mine). But I thought better of sending it. I didn’t want her to feel under obligation to me for the gifts. I didn’t want to send her the concert tickets in case she had no one to go with or felt obliged to ask me. I also didn’t want to upset her or dredge up all of those memories after saying goodbye and good luck. I still don’t know if I should have sent it or not.
You have basically told me exactly what I had been hoping to hear. Everyone I have spoken to has said that we rushed into things and that I was better off just leaving her be and moving on. I have felt the whole time that I handled things badly, but I couldn’t figure out exactly how to phrase it. I think I know what to say now. Thank you so much!
She actually messaged me tonight about Sunday asking me which group I wanted to take for the coaching. I’m just going to reply normally and be nice and just save the apology for Sunday. On Sunday, should I ask her to lunch first, or apologise first? Thank you so much again for your advice and your good wishes, you’ve no idea how much it has helped!
I think you should apologize first ‘to clear the air’ and then ask if she would like to go out for lunch. If she doesn’t accept, don’t be upset as the conversation will leave her much to think about. If she accepts, you could enjoy the time out together or (if she wants) have more conversation about the situation..
How far apart are you in miles? Will you be able to drive to see her sometimes?
How far is the school from you? When she goes to school, will she be driving from her apartment? Could you meet her for lunch or dinner near the school?
Maybe sometimes have her over for dinner at your parents house? Etc…
Thank you, that sounds great. I’m just conscious that we may not have that much time in the morning to talk, and that by lunch time she’ll probably be hungry and eager to go for food! I will try to say it to her before lunch either way. Or maybe if we don’t have time to talk in the morning, I could say I was hoping to have a chat with her at some point, and we could arrange to do it over lunch or when we’re both free?
She lives an hour and a half away on bus/tram (23 km). I don’t drive (it’s very expensive and I live near where I work and the city centre/airport, I’ve never needed a car), but it would be about a 30 minute drive. She has been looking to start driving lessons too but I don’t think she’s interested in owning a car herself (she literally works two minutes away from where she lives!)
The distance wasn’t an issue, I was always happy to get the bus and tram to see her. Sometimes I was over at hers late, but had told my parents I was out with my friends and would be home, so I ended up getting a taxi home a couple of times. Naturally she wasn’t impressed with this and thought it was a waste of money (she was right of course!), but I’d hope that if we do get back together this won’t be an issue and I can stay over with her if she wants me to.
Her college would be in the city centre, just a half an hour’s bus ride from me. I’d say she would be getting the tram to college. I’m a school teacher, so I get off work at 2:20 pm every day and could definitely meet her for lunch or dinner near the college. Having her over for dinner at home would be no problem at all if she was ready for it. I’d love for her to meet the rest of my family.
Thank you so much again for all of your advice. I feel good about tomorrow, I know exactly what I want to say to her and feel like things will work out for the best if I can show her how sorry I am and how much she means to me.
There is just one thing I would like to clarify: should I just apologise for the way I acted when we broke up, or should I also talk about all of the things I did wrong when we were together? I thought it might be best to apologise for the break up and the subsequent message I sent her, and then tell her I also realised that I did a lot of things wrong while we were together and that I’m sorry for losing her trust.
Then if she wants me to be more specific or talk about it further, I can go into the details then. Or should I just tell her everything right from the beginning? I’ve a feeling it might be a bit overwhelming to spring all of this on her at once. Maybe apologising for my behaviour during the break-up, and mentioning that I know I did a lot of things wrong when we were together, and leaving it up to her to if she wants to talk about what these were, might be the best option. What do you think? Thank you so much again!
Yes, apologize for how you acted during the breakup and for the things done wrong during the relationship. You need to go into some detail, but not minute detail. This shouldn’t take too long, but if you feel like you don’t have a few minutes to spare before going your separate ways, then say you would like to have a chat and could arrange it when you both have some free time.
Ask if she would like to go for lunch and then pick up on what she says as to whether you should explain things further. I hope she accepts the lunch invitation, but if not, you will have given her information she can think about.. If she declines lunch, ask if she would be willing to meet up when it’s convenient.
Did you talk with your parents about her yet?
Thank you, it’s a lot to say, but I will try to keep it fairly brief. Main thing is to be there early and ready to talk to her, and if she’s busy or if we don’t have time, I’ll just ask to speak to her during lunch or after we’re finished. I’m conscious of distracting her when we both have a job to do, but hopefully she won’t mind! She messaged me again today and I sent her some material for her to use tomorrow, and she said she was ever so grateful for it. Feeling good about talking to her tomorrow, but I’m also prepared to wait for the right moment!
I haven’t spoken to my parents yet…I wanted to catch them both together but it hasn’t been possible for the past few days. They know we’ve been messaging and that I plan to ask her to lunch tomorrow. I will speak to them. I would feel better having spoken to them before tomorrow, but they do know we were in love, and I can say with a clear conscience that they were much more understanding when I told them that.
Thank you again for all of your help. I really don’t know what I would have done without it! Hope I can try to make things right tomorrow!
I just spoke to my father and it went fine, he understood. I will speak to my mother in the morning. It feels so much better to have them on board and I will be able to tell her tomorrow if it comes up that they were cool about everything and would support us.
Everything went well today! She arrived fairly late in the morning time so we didn’t have time to talk properly before the coaching started. I told her I was hoping to chat with her but I also didn’t want to distract her, maybe we could get lunch later and she said sure.
The morning session went well but when lunch came around I couldn’t find her. I thought she might have been having second thoughts and that I had put her on the spot, but actually she was sitting in the restaurant behind a wall so I never saw her! She messaged me then and I joined her. We had a nice chat and went out for a coffee. We were in a rush though so I didn’t get to have the chat with her then, but we caught up with each other and it was lovely.
Then at the end of the day I walked her back to her tram stop. It was snowing (which is pretty unseasonable!) and she made several references to how alone she has been recently. She told me that her husband has moved to the States and has met a new girl that he sent her pictures of. This upset her, but she understood that he just wanted to show her that he’s happy. She mentioned that he had left her and that prompted me to say again that I wanted to chat to her but hadn’t expected to be walking around in the snow and maybe we could step inside somewhere. Instead she said we could walk and talk. I warned her that it might take a minute for me to explain everything and asked her just to please bear with me. She listened quietly.
I told her I wanted to apologise properly for the way that I acted and the things that I said on the week of her birthday. I said things that were untrue and hurtful, and I didn’t really mean them or believe them myself. I couldn’t believe I let her think for even a second that it was her fault. When I took my own ego out of it I realised that I had no reason to feel hurt. That’s when I sent her that message. All I meant by saying I was “over it and I’d moved on” was that I realised I had no right to feel hurt and I couldn’t let her go on feeling guilty any longer.
I immediately regretted sending the message. I thought about writing to her several times since, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that not only did I behave terribly then, I also got so many things wrong while we were together.
I lied to my parents about the extent of our relationship and about staying over with her. At the time I thought it was my problem and my way of dealing with it and she didn’t need to worry about it. But now I understand why she hadn’t felt good about it and I should have listened to her. I realised how foolish I was because I recently told my parents that we were in love and that I had stayed over with her and they were understanding and supportive (I did tell my mother today and she was hurt that I had lied about it, but she understood why I felt I couldn’t confide in her and my father).
This issue with my parents also caused me to break my word to her on Christmas and lose her trust. She said right from the beginning that she just wanted to spend time with me on Christmas. I told her I could, but because I hadn’t been honest with my parents, they couldn’t understand why I wanted to see her so much, said that it was too intense a friendship, and said I needed to be at home with my family on Christmas. I left it far too late to say this to them (afternoon of Christmas Eve), and that meant I only told her late afternoon on Christmas Eve when it was already too late, and she would be spending Christmas alone in her brother’s with no way of getting home.
I felt terrible about this and tried to make it up to her the following day by surprising her at home, but when I did, we ended up sleeping together and she felt I had just come over for that, when that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t understand why she believed that was the reason then, but now I realise because I had broken my word to her on Christmas, I had lost her trust, and things weren’t the same after that.
I apologised for losing her trust and causing her hurt. She told me that she couldn’t believe the message I sent her about moving on and she even deleted her WhatsApp afterwards! She said I didn’t get it, that she just wanted a friend. She couldn’t believe I had left her alone. She said she felt she hadn’t said anything too bad, and I agreed, but said that because she hadn’t replied to my messages earlier in the week, I took it the wrong way. I realised now that she just wasn’t sure how to say it to me without hurting me or wasn’t sure in general. It was also because things were too intense and I had been so used to talking to her all of the time. She agreed that we had rushed things and it was too intense.
I said that I had always told her I would be her friend no matter what, that she never had to worry about hurting me, but when it finally came to it, I let her down. She sort of nodded agreement.
She said she needed time to process it all but she would talk to me about it. She asked (laughing) how long it took me to finally say all of this and I admitted it had been at least a month. She laughed and said (jokingly!) she would take a month too and I said not to worry, she could take as long as she needed. I realised I had been an idiot and I was sorry for hurting her. I told her that it took me time to realise that I had been right about her the whole time, that she’s still the person I fell in love with and she hasn’t changed.
She definitely appreciated me telling her all of this. We even laughed a bit, and I told her about how I was going to send her a letter but talked myself out of it. She laughed and said she prefers that I told her in person, because now she can just process it, whereas if I had sent her a letter she would have kept re-reading it and taking different meanings from it every time.
I gave her the birthday present I had for her (the book that was signed, it was still in bubble-wrap because I had been planning to post it to her) and apologised for the lateness. I also showed her the concert tickets that I had planned to send her too. She laughed and said it was too late now, and I said I was sorry I hadn’t sent them but didn’t want her to feel like she had to go with me or feel under obligation to me. She thanked me for the book, I think she appreciated it.
We hugged goodbye, and she thanked me for talking to her about this and that it was good to talk. I told her we could talk any time. And that was it!
I cried the entire way home on the bus. I’m still not exactly sure why I was so emotional, probably a mix of reasons. It felt great to finally tell her how I had been feeling and to try to make things right with her. But also I feel so guilty and angry with myself for hurting her the way I did. I had no idea of the effect that I had on her. I’ve spent a month thinking of nothing but her and her well-being, and wondering how she is and how I could make things right with her, when I could have just stayed friends with her and continued to care for her in a way that might actually have helped her.
I care about her more than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel like if I can make her happy, as a friend or a lover, I will be happy. I am happy in general and life is good. I told her when we were together and I was getting the impression that she wasn’t happy, that she needed to tell me if her feelings changed about me, that it wasn’t good for me to keep loving someone if they weren’t in love with me. Now I feel like I can’t help it anyway, I love her and that’s it.
Today was so nice, it was like we were just two close friends catching up, even before I apologised to her. She’s a wonderful person. I only hope I can learn from everything that happened and do right by her. She’s had such an unfortunate life and she deserves so much better. She’s shown me the kind of person I want to be.
I know I keep saying this, but thank you so much for all of your advice, your patience and all of your help. I don’t know if I ever would have made sense of any of this it hadn’t been for you! I feel like I’ve taken the right first step in making this up to her, and I have you to thank for it.
You’re welcome. I’m so glad everything went well! Keep us posted on any updates if you like..
Thank you, I certainly will if you don’t mind! I’m just going to wait and see what she says.
Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot and also talking with my mother about it too. One thing still bothers me, and she also can’t get her head around it. I’ve been trying to be objective and selfless when thinking about everything that happened, but even allowing for that, I still can’t explain this. I’d be interested to see what you think.
The reason I was so hurt was not because of what she said about just wanting to be friends (which is what she thought), but because she had been ignoring my messages and acting like she didn’t want to talk to me or spend any time with me. She first said that she just wanted to spend her birthday with her colleagues from work. This was the Sunday before her birthday, which was on a Wednesday, and we were due to see each other at the coaching the following Sunday (a week later). I was hurt by this because I had been her closest friend for months, we had talked before about spending time together on her birthday, and I had a present for her that she knew about. She didn’t offer any explanation or mention possibly seeing me at all.
Still, I took this with good grace and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Her birthday was mid-week, we both had work, and she probably figured it would be too much to ask me to come all the way over to her, and maybe she didn’t fancy going into the city centre. Maybe it would be difficult to get her work colleagues to go out at the weekend too. So I just said I couldn’t wait to see her, give her her present and treat her to a birthday meal/drink, but it didn’t have to be on her birthday itself. She never replied.
I expected to hear from her the following day, and when I didn’t, I messaged her around 10 pm just asking how her day went. She said she had an exceptionally long day in work, which was fair enough, asked me how my day went and said goodnight. So I replied, told her how my day went, and asked her if she wanted to meet up before the coaching on the Sunday. Again, she never replied.
I expected to hear back from her the following day (Tuesday), but she just never contacted me. Instead, she posted some song on Facebook (Hostage by Sia), which could have been a reference to our situation, but it wasn’t clear. This sort of thing really annoys me, people posting songs that are most likely directed at someone, instead of speaking to them. Still, I couldn’t be sure about this, but combined with the fact that she had ignored my messages, I couldn’t help but worry that something was up.
The following day was her birthday so I sent her a Happy Birthday message. She replied after a few hours with a nice message, thanking me very much, wishing me to have a good day, and saying she was looking forward to that night. But still did not mention the fact that I had asked her to meet up.
I messaged her the morning afterwards asking how her night went. She said she had a really nice night, got drunk and threw up, but otherwise it was very good. She again said have a great Thursday. I felt like all of these “Have a great day” messages were her attempt at killing the conversation. In fairness, we usually messaged each other every morning saying have a great day, but she hadn’t done that at all that week, and again, seeing as she hadn’t replied to my messages before, I felt she was just fobbing me off. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her to meet up again (effectively for a third time as I had said I wanted to see her, and also asked her directly) as I didn’t want to hassle her, and I thought she would just say no or ignore me again.
So that’s when I messaged her later that day asking if we could have a catch up and a chat later on. She said she didn’t want to video call as usual because she was tired, but was happy to chat. I told her I felt we hadn’t had a proper chat in weeks and that if something was bothering her she could tell me, I was her friend, I would always listen and maybe even be able to help. That’s when she sent me the message saying she was fine but felt she had gotten into some sort of a relationship with me in a bad way, that we had said “I love you” too soon, it was too big a commitment, that it was her fault and that she hoped we could be friends and colleagues.
That in itself wasn’t such a bad message and she was being honest with me, but this, coupled with the fact that she had ignored my messages about meeting up with her and hadn’t offered any explanation as to why she didn’t want to see me on her birthday, left me feeling very hurt. It was as if she had used me to get over her marriage and get to a place where she felt “fine”. That’s why I lashed out and over-reacted to the message itself. It wasn’t so much that she had ended the relationship, as we had established on New Year`s that we were friends with benefits and needed to pull back a bit, it was that she had ignored my messages about seeing her, and I got the impression she didn’t want to spend any time with me at all outside of our work together.
I don’t know if I misconstrued this whole situation, but if a close friend of mine asked me to meet up with them under similar circumstances, I would certainly message them back and give them an answer. I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt about this and taken as much blame for it as I possibly can, but I still can’t figure out what was going on.
Perhaps she had lost trust in me and didn’t know quite what to say (that’s what I suggested to her yesterday, but I only mentioned it briefly, as I was apologising and didn’t want to take the good out of it by blaming her for something). Maybe the relationship was so intense, and I was so used to getting messages from her every day, that I was just being irrational when I didn’t hear back from her, and it was reasonable for her not to reply?
Maybe she regretted sleeping with me so soon after her marriage ended, and figured that if we went out for her birthday we’d end up in bed again, or that I’d expect to sleep with her having given her a present/treated her to a meal, sort of like what happened the day after Christmas Day. But if she really believed that was true about me, I don’t know why she’d want to stay friends at all.
Yesterday she said that I didn’t get that she just needed a friend, and I agreed with her. But if she wanted to keep me as a friend, she really should have replied to my messages, especially the direct question I asked her, or at least shown some consideration towards me when she knew I was expecting/hoping to see her.
I’m generally a very balanced person, I’ve no mental health or self-esteem issues, and I really try to look out for the people I care about. But I felt I was going crazy over this, second guessing what was going through her head. I knew she was in a vulnerable emotional state, and that she had been through a lot, but none of that bothered me when she was honest with me about it. I was always happy to listen and try to make her feel better. I’d just like to know the reason for the breakdown in communication that week, why she chose to ignore me and spend her birthday with her colleagues instead. I appreciated that she was trying to build up friendships with other people, so I didn
t mind that so much, but considering how close we were and everything we had been through, I felt she at least should have acknowledged that I had been hoping to see her. I know I was due to see her on the Sunday for the coaching, but that was a professional occasion and I felt that didnt count.Like I said I suggested to her that it was my fault, that perhaps she just didn’t trust me anymore, but now I’m starting to wonder if maybe she just didn’t mean anything by it. Still, anyone I have spoken to about this agrees that it wasn
t normal to repeatedly ignore messages like that and show no consideration for someone you consider to be either a lover or a friend. They do say the opposite of love is indifference, and perhaps she just didnt care. But if that was the case, she should have understood why I was hurt.I
m going to try and put the whole thing out of my head until I hear from her, but I really did not like the way I felt at the time. I hope she does address this when she replies to me, even if its just to say she actually didn`t mean to ignore me deliberately. I know this has been another long post, but I would really appreciate your opinion on this if it makes any sense at all! Thank you so much again!You’re over analyzing! She understandably had mixed emotions and leaving her husband was traumatic I’m sure. She told you on New Year’s that she wanted to dial things back, so of course that would include less communication. Yes, it would have been the courteous thing to answer your messages, but I think she has been trying to organize her thoughts and feelings.
I think you should try to let go of of the past and not ask questions about any of it as it will put her on the defensive about having to explain every detail of her actions. It might even make her feel guilty and lead to resentments. I always say honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it’s best to forgive and forget..
Be glad about the good conversation on Sunday and stop dwelling on the past.
Thank you! Looking back it certainly seems like I am over-analysing! I think I was just so used to messaging her constantly, and also receiving apologies from her if she didn’t message back, that I automatically took it to be a bad sign if she didn’t reply and read too much into it. It’s certainly something I wouldn’t want to happen again and shows that the relationship was too intense and she was right to pull back. The day before her birthday was the first day we hadn’t contacted each other since we met.
The breakdown in communication, the fact that she preferred to spend time with her co-workers instead of me, coupled with the message she finally did send me, caused me to think that she just wasn’t interested in spending time with me romantically or socially, which wasn’t the case. Looking back now I can see how much I over-reacted and didn’t see things clearly. I was very confused about it as it didn’t really make any sense (I was her closest friend after all), but I honestly had the impression she was just finished with me.
I also feel very foolish and guilty that I abandoned her when she needed a friend, and put myself through a torturous few weeks thinking about her and what went wrong, when I could have been spending time with her and continuing to care for her the way she needed me to. I don’t know what would have happened if I’d just taken everything with good grace. It doesn’t matter because I simply wasn’t able to see things clearly then, all I can do is learn from it. I do forgive her and I should have had more faith in her. I have made this clear to her. The other day I told her it took me time to realise that I had been right about her and she was still the same person I fell in love with. I hope she takes this the way it’s intended.
I have apologised sincerely and tried my best to make things right (thanks to your advice and help!). I’ve also addressed and apologised for the things I feel I did wrong in the relationship too. If it turns out she’s been thinking the same things, then I guess that’s a start. I don’t know if any good can come of the fact that I didn’t contact her for weeks, I feel terrible about it. I know she was hurt by the way I acted, but I hope I haven’t completely ruined any chance of reconciling with her. It’s such a confusing situation, I thought she had simply dumped me, but I’m not sure what you would call what I did!
I am looking forward to hearing from her and I’m hoping we can take things from there. She is very busy, she’s taken on some new students to coach (so have I) and she’s already started studying for her course (which begins in June). I will do whatever it takes to make things right with her. Thank you for your objective and impartial view, I really appreciate it. No more dwelling on the past for me!
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