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Boards Reconciliation Broke up with my ex, but didn’t realize I was following these steps

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #111958
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    anthony1
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 9

    Hey there!

    My girlfriend and I broke up after 2 years together. We had a rather unique relationship, and one on reflection I’d take the good and bad from. We moved in together after 5 months. She has two twin girls, who I love very much. I moved in to help her since she was a struggling single mom. Things were going great for the first year together. We’d fight, but we’d make up rather easily. We had an intense attraction to each other, and I think she had a bit more of jealousy in her heart from being hurt in previous relationships. But I was perfectly loyal, and proved it every chance I get.

    However, year two was harder. I have a dayjob and at night I am an artist. I created an ongoing book series that ended up garnering a good bit of success, which meant that it took more time to keep up with. It was essentially doubling my income. The subject matter was on the darker side, and she’s kind of a hippy dippy spirit and somewhat empathic like me, so I suppose it put off some bad vibes that may have upset her during the course of our relationship. Dumb things I didn’t pick up at the time, but realize now.

    I started working more, realizing this was the ticket to all of the stuff we wanted together in life. Be able to travel, do things together, take care of her and our little family, etc. Her kids loved me, and from what I understand still always ask about me. I was making good money between the two occupations. However, she felt she was being neglected, even though I made every effort at the time I felt I could to make time with her. It was a lot of work, and a lot of personal issues that piled on from my own family that kept me from spending as much time with her as we both would have preferred. But I felt I was right in the cause, since I was providing for our future, and I implored her to hold on since things would get easier. I started working less and making more after things with the dayjob and the art thing found their place…unfortunately the tide started to turn right after we split up.

    In the last few months of our relationship, I funded a trip for all of us to Disneyland. I also helped my dad get a car he desperately needed, and I was saving up for an engagement ring with intentions to propose before Christmas. Every ounce of spare time was resigned elsewhere to make all this happen. I was sharing my successes and positivity with everyone where I could, and at the same time was just emotionally drained.

    I came back from a work trip during the last week we were together. I think the stress finally boiled over, and one day she blew up at me while I was trying to fix our AC in the house. It was the breaking point for her. She broke up with me. I lived there an extra month until I found a new place. She was super sweet after, and I’d almost swear she sincerely regretted breaking up with me. She had that look in her eye every time she saw me. She’d tear up every time she’d see me interact with the kids.

    We managed to get to a great place right after we broke up. We were both talking regularly, and both got along incredibly well for about two months. We were extremely supportive of each other. In hindsight, we could have gotten back together then if I would have pursued it. At the end of that two months, I met someone when I visited my dad out of state. It was nothing physical, and to be honest half of our conversations were about me and my ex breaking up.

    However, me and this new girl kind of poked fun at the whole dating thing. We never were physical, and to be honest we saw each other for maybe 5 minutes in person. One way we made fun of the whole dating thing was screenshotting each other’s faces to each other as the background of our phones. I forgot she was still on mine, and one night I went to visit my ex and she saw it. What the hell was she supposed to think? I can’t blame her for thinking there was something far more than there was. Me and the new girl quit talking to each other not long after that incident. Unfortunately, my ex turned stone cold after that night too. No more daily conversation, she wished me well, and that was that. At the time, I was very confused, but I also got where she was coming from. I was just hoping she would catch the absurdity of it. This issue was the catalyst for where I am at now.

    I guess I was following the whole No Contact thing before I stumbled across this forum and ex advice. We didn’t talk from January 15th til about a month ago. I’d like her pictures on Facebook, as she often posts stuff with the kids, but I never engaged conversation or commented. I miss them greatly. She contacted me about a month ago about picking some artwork up from her house I had left. I went over, and we had an absolutely amazing night. Great conversation, she looked so happy seeing me interact with her kids again, we flirted a little bit, but nothing serious. Then, the next day I tried to message her on Facebook, and just get back into that conversating again. Stone cold responses. I inquired about it, and she told me she needs space, and that her kids needed to transition without me there. I got confused, but tried to oblige.

    But then her birthday was the following week. I got her a gift that she was needing forever for her birthday. Not to try to buy her love, but to help fix something she needed fixed. She had me over and I helped set it up. Again, great night. We hugged alot. Kissed her forehead and she kissed my cheek. I didn’t want to push things. On this night though, I broke down in front of her. Wasn’t begging and pleading, but with tears in my eyes let her know what she still meant to me and how much I loved her. She looked torn up, but insisted we could be friends, but that also she needs that space (which I was blatantly stupidly ignoring by being there). We ended the night on good terms still.

    I messaged a few of her family members I was close with and was gonna wish them well and thank them for being a part of my life. Closure. She caught wind and I guess took that as me violating her space. Her family loved me, and loved that I stepped up to help her take care of her kids. I never got to properly say goodbye to them or anything, but really does anyone get that chance? haha. Anyways, since that last phone call where we talked about this (about 10 days ago), I’ve started No Contact again. That’s where I’m at now.

    I guess I’m just wondering what chances I have still? Our official breakup was about 7 months ago, our drop in communication was 5 months ago, and these things happened in that time. I have no problems moving on if I have to, but it’s my choice and my want to be with her, and be a father to her kids. I miss them all terribly. I miss her family. The pressure was really on us for a good chunk of that last part of our relationship. Since then, I’ve been working on myself, and NEVER allowing too much outside interference to overtake me like that again. I’ve worked on and continue to work on time management, as well as the management of expectations. She deserved better, I deserved better. We both see the improvements in our respective lives, and all improvement that would have made our relationship pure bliss. I think the only thing that seemed to turn the tide was that other girl. Like that killed it for her. And it hurts, cuz I feel like a cheater when obviously I haven’t. I’d love more than anything to get a second chance with her. She was loyal, loving, sweet, funny, supportive, and I’d take that with any of the bad. I’ve tried dating, or talking to new women, and no one interests me or has that spark.

    I felt I belonged with her, and her family.

    #111975
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    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1939

    Some women can understand and accept that her man is putting in long hours making a living and wanting to provide a better life for her, but some others put more value on spending more time together.

    It seems you two were in the process of making amends when you started emotionally cheating on her and she is very hurt and disappointed in you now. She feels you didn’t love her enough to stop yourself from getting involved with another women and it will take a long time for her to recover and forgive you.

    I think she still loves you and appreciates everything you’ve done for her and the girls. Giving her space will allow the bad memories to fade and the good ones to come to the forefront. I don’t think she wants to lose you, but needs the space to consider what’s best for herself and her children. If she decides she wants to be with you, at some point she will contact you again.

    Be patient and don’t contact her or her family..

    #112011
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    anthony1
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 9

    Thanks for the insight, patricia12.

    It’s frustrating because at the time i didn’t know what she wanted, or if she was deadset on moving on. I’m always bad at reading those signs. I just hope I didn’t do any permanent damage. I love her so much and her kids so much. Doing NC now, but kinda fell back after wishing her a Happy Mothers Day. I saw 3 dots and nothing ever came through. I’ll be sure not to slip again.

    #112019
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    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1939

    It was a kind gesture to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. Stay strong with your no contact..

    When in doubt about anything when in a relationship, it’s always best to calmly ask questions and have a respectful conversation about any issues that arise..

    Good luck and I wish the best for all of you:)

    #112038
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    anthony1
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 9

    Argh! Quick check in. I am sucking with NC. I accidentally sent a text meant for a client about me pulling up to their location to drop something off. Didn’t realize it went to my ex instead of the client. Am I messing things up with these unintended incremental mistakes?

    #112040
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    I think that’s OK, you didn’t intend to text them. If you need to then change the name in your phone so you don’t accidentally text her again.

    If she replies then send a short text apologizing then don’t send another one.

    #112061
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    anthony1
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 9

    She responded back with a question mark, and I apologized. Hoping that didn’t freak her out with me saying HEY I JUST PULLED UP all unannounced haha. That message still hasn’t been read yet. Hoping it’s not becoming a thing of indifference now, or if it’s just part of her needing space.

    One can really dwell on such trivial things. 🙁

    #112062
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    Lee Brads
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 44

    I’ve given up trying to second guess what my ex is thinking she’s driving me insane lol. I’m nearly at the point of just fucking it off as I’m not going to let anyone make a mug out of me

    #112093
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    anthony1
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 9

    So I guess my current wonder is if it’s too late? It’s been 7 months, we last really talked a few weeks ago. Currently in no contact. But reading some of the material here about the Breakup Pain Healing >>>> Bad Memories Healing >>>> Missing You Badly >>>> Moving On phases, I’m wondering if I’m too late, and she moved on? One thing I didn’t mention in all of this is she is bipolar…been reading on how I was failing to connect and respond to her needs and wants appropriately. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything.

    #112097
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 1939

    What was the talk about a few weeks ago?

    It usually takes many months for the dumper to have a change of heart. And maybe more if they have a mental illness. Hard to say if it’s too late or if she’s moved on.

    You wrote:”I’ve tried dating, or talking to new women, and no one interests me or has that spark.” Sounds like you’re trying to move on. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but if your ex finds out, it won’t help your case.

    Does she take medications for bi-polar or is she seeing a psychiatrist?

    #112098
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    anthony1
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    • Total Posts: 9

    The last conversation we had was her asking if I was improving myself for HER or for myself. I told her I had to do it for myself first before I can be better for anyone at all. She also told me she thought me reaching out to her family to thank them for being a part of my life was a betrayal of her space. I understood that. Told her how much I loved her and how much I loved being a father for her kids. The whole thing ended on a lackluster vibe for the most part.

    She doesn’t take any meds for it, but self medicates with weed. Drinks a bit as well. She’s been functional for the most part, but of course the peaks and valleys are there and I don’t think I recognized them as much at the time. After a fight or argument she would always come out of nowhere to hug and kiss me at a random time later on. I always tried to be a voice of reason and hardly ever raised my voice. Only really did during that last fight that broke us up.

    I’m done looking for anyone else for the time being. I felt I had to at least try to look and see what’s out there. I don’t want it. I love her and the kids immensely, and am kind of glad I found this site, and can at least see that it would be worth it, and is possible to work things out again.

    #112100
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    I think telling her how much you loved her was a mistake. It said to her that you are doing all this to get her back. But never mind now so I think take NC from when you said that. You said you never really talked since a few weeks ago. Does that mean you have spoken to her since then? If so then what was it about?

    Has she been to see a specialist for her condition? Self medicating is never a good idea. Especially with alcohol. How much does she consume?

    I know how you feel with looking for others. I had a try to see who else is out there but I don’t want any of it. I love her and the kids. I won’t be happy with anyone else.

    #112101
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    anthony1
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    • Total Posts: 9

    Yeeeaaaahh telling her how much I loved her was a mistake. I don’t disagree. I mean, I have a feeling she already knows. The last few times I saw her after we broke up for about two months she caught her self midway saying she loved me. I think she felt she wasn’t supposed to say it or something. I told her it was okay, and that I did too. Fast forward five months later, I can see how saying it now would cause a negative effect, even if I’m sure she knows she has love for me.

    Since NC, I sent a text to her that was meant for a client, and apologized after she sent me a “?” Text. That was the only contact made in that time.

    I’m sure a long time ago she saw a specialist. I’m honestly not sure if she actually is, or when she told me she was she was just making a joking observation about her behavior. But she does show signs sometimes, with being hot and cold, and always reconciling after arguments as if she knew she was acting how she wasn’t intending to. As long as things go good, she’s happy, but she can be easily frustrated if things in her life don’t go in her favor. I’ve always been there to console her and give her any affirmation she needed. I always tried to stay as positive as I could for her, and help her attain her goals. But she would always start and hardly ever follow through with them.

    That might be because of the self medication. She drinks a sixer on average a day. Still functional and fine, but can be lethargic or indifferent to things I suppose. Her time after work is her decompressing. One of the things she’s always trying to work on and I’ve always helped try to motivate is her quitting drinking. It seems it killed the motivation towards her goals, and I think it’s a cycle she gets caught up in. Despite all that she’s a fantastic mother.

    I think when I said I was trying to date, I meant that like I got a Tinder account for a hot minute and quit cuz i just thought it was dumb and superficial. I honestly haven’t gone on a single date since we split. It’s not a confidence thing, as I feel I could jump back in the dating world no problem. It’s just I’m at a point I prefer roots, depth and deep connections with people. With my ex, we’ve been through so much, far more positive than negative. Her kids love me. We really were a great fit. Hell, today I sold my drafting table and a drawing tablet that kept me couped up in the art room. I have an iPad Pro I do my work on now, that as dumb as it sounds might have made things so much easier for us if I had it when we were together. I’m making a lot of changes and discoveries for myself, and I know she’s working on herself. A lot of them are things that she did have problems with with me, that in hindsight I see are things I needed to work on with myself anyway.

    I’d love to start over with her, as better people. I’d love to be there and help her with her goals and successes. I understand she’s gotta take care of what she’s got going on. The funny thing I’m learning through all this is just how stubborn I was and how easy it is to have compromised.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Avatar anthony1.
    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Avatar anthony1. Reason: Erroneous type
    #112104
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    gamecoder.nz
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 219

    So you have been in NC for just over a month? I would give it longer, perhaps two months or more. I’ve been in NC for just a week and 30 days seems daunting but I’m planning for longer. She sounds like she does have feelings for you still but is determined to stick with her decision so she doesn’t have to admit that she was wrong or to make sure that she is not hurt again. Eventually those walls will be worn away.

    I know how it feels to live with someone like that. My ex suffers from depression and for years it was a roller coaster. She went through a few counselors and onto medication (which took quite a long time to get the correct medication and the right dosage). By that time it had taken a toll on me and I had to take medication. I think for now live with the weed and drinking, as long as it’s not putting anyone in danger. Later on try and bring up seeing a specialist. Your primary goal for now is getting back together with her.

    Yeah I went on a few coffees and got semi-serious with one woman but nothing lasted. My heart just wasn’t in it so I gave up and deleted my dating profiles. She watched me do that so hopefully that made an impact. My ex and I have been through a lot too and the bond that you strengthen after you have been through those tough times are not easily broken and forgotten. Over time she will forget the bad times and remember that you were there for her and would not give up on her.

    If you are making changes for yourself then that’s great. If she is making changes too than that is even better. By the time you come to breaking NC you should both be in a great position to start again. I would think that a hand written elephant in the room letter would be perfect. There are examples somewhere on this site.

    You are doing well. There will be some setbacks but just keep on keeping on.

    #112106
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 1939

    You wrote:”I’m sure a long time ago she saw a specialist. I’m honestly not sure if she actually is, or when she told me she was she was just making a joking observation about her behavior.” So you don’t know for certain that she was diagnosed with bi-polar by a psychiatrist. Normal people sometimes have ups and downs depending on circumstances.

    Studies show bi-polar symptoms of mania and depression may be worsened by cannabis use. The risk for psychotic disorders increases with the frequency and intensity of cannabis use. Alcohol impairs and slows both physical and psychological activity.
    Both alcohol and cannabis products can reduce one’s ability to think rationally.

    You say she drinks a six pack a day and that’s not normal. She might be an alcoholic and it will get worse over time! My sister was a functioning alcoholic for several years, but eventually lost her job and her husband due to her drinking. Her husband had been a co-dependent person for many years by making excuses for her bad behavior, calling in sick for her job sometimes, encouraging her to stop drinking etc.. She would promise to stop drinking and then go back to it. He finally reached the conclusion that his life would be full of unhappiness and drama if he stayed with her and he divorced her.

    I know you’ve supported your ex and given her advice, but she needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet. You can’t save her. She has to have the desire to help herself in whatever way possible, even if that means counseling and/or medication! It seems she would want to be a good example for her twins..

    I know you’re going through a very difficult time now, but stay strong.. Don’t contact her family again and continue absolute no contact! Allow her the space she requested. Allow her to make her own decisions (good or bad). Let her miss you!

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Avatar patricia12.
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