Bonds, connections, and other points of interest

[patrick d]

I’ll do that and get back to you

[patrick d]

Hi pheonix. The shower felt good. It was a pleasant shock to the body getting the cold water. Almost like being reborn or something.
Felt like I was washing away those stupid feelings.
Felt good. And it made me think clearer. I will give her time. I’ll pick up my things. I checked up some signs that they miss you and she ticks all the boxes.
Something changed last night. I think i can feel that.

Would false friends be a bad idea? Something tells me that saying goodbye and that I am seeing someone has changed things. I think she is finally scared and thinking really strongly.

Thoughts?

[patrick d]

I feel stronger Thanks to you. I will pick up the ball. No point messing about and playing games anymore. Torturing myself. She reached out over weeks and I gave nothing back. I tortured her too. I’ll go there and get my things. And see from there.
You are right. Of course she misses me. Only a lunatic would text that whilst away with someone else. She didn’t see any change though.

She will now. That’s for sure

[patrick d]

And no matter what others say about giving up etc, it’s my life. And I will live it how I please and decide what I want. And decide how I want to get it.

[ThePhoenix]

Ah, and there’s the Leo! 🙂 I’m glad it helped. And therein lies the metaphor. We get so used to something (hot water) that when it’s suddenly gone, we’re almost feel like we’re at a loss. Now some will simply get out of the shower when the hot water has run out. But to willingly embrace the change (cold water) even if it may be uncomfortable at first, it brings something new. Change isn’t so bad. The things we perceived as being unpleasant might be different, but that doesn’t make them bad.

You have no one to thank but yourself. You made your own decisions, not me. I’m very glad it made you feel better though!

I personally feel that false friends might defeat the purpose. How many people are actually able to go from being lovers and so deeply intimate to just friends? Seems rather rare to me, and you don’t want to be her friend. You want more, just as we all do. But the path is yours to choose.

I cannot be friends with my ex. It pains me somewhat to say that, but I refuse to be taken advantage of or even risk letting myself be taken for a ride. I’ve known my ex for over 15 years. We were best friends before dating. Even then I treated her with more love and care than I do for my friends. I love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but I went the extra mile for her. She used me as an emotional tampon when she was having problems with the ex before me. She seemed grateful, but after some time she grew complacent and got an itch to see what else is out there.

I don’t think she has ever fully realized how good she had it. I have friends that say they would kill to have a relationship with someone like me. She had glimpses when she’d run off and then come back, but nothing full on like this. Tough love. But perhaps the screaming silence at her will do her some good. When she asked before when we wanted to both work things out if we would be friends still if we broke up, I told her I did not know. It wouldn’t be easy for me and I didn’t think it would be fair. She knew the risks and she walked away to her own path.

Now I live my life on my own terms. She’ll live hers on her own. I can only hope that she’ll find happiness someday, but she needs to be happy and love herself first. It is my most sincere hope that she does not end up like those that never embrace themselves or work their issues out.

We’ll keep on, keeping on, hon.

[patrick d]

Thoughts please.

I opened up to my oldest sister this evening. Told her What’s gone on. She is a wise girl.

She said that her first thoughts are that she is a player. She has me there whilst being with him. If she didn’t like him then she would end it. She said she probably text guys suggestively all the time when with me always keeping her options open.

Cut all ties she says.

This has shocked me. But she did text guys a lot. Friends she always said. He friends said it was just her way. I’d like to think she didn’t do that. But this sister is not stupid.

I am shocked now. Hurt.

[patrick d]

I did catch her emailing a guy one time. They talked for weeks and sort of planned to travel together. He was texting xxx and so on.
She used to text guys and meet with them when I was away working.

Jesus Christ what was going on.

[patrick d]

She might actually be spot on. Maybe she was is and always will be like that. Maybe I want the problem.

I feel like exploding and asking her all this and telling her how I feel. She was making me feel insecure but made me believe that I was the problem. When we were good then it didn’t happen. I hope. But there seemed to be always someone lurking.

Oh Jesus. Help me

[ThePhoenix]

I’m not sure what to tell you man. I had talked with quite a few other girls when my ex was around. I never had any ulterior motives. But I knew it bothered my ex and she had me stop.

Bear in mind family will try to get you to move on. My family has said it. Many times. And I am. But that doesn’t mean I can’t open the door should my ex knock. Family doesn’t want to see you hurt. But you have to decide for yourself what you want. Both of my siblings have been rather quiet on the matter of my ex. They’re both friends with her still and I don’t think either bears hard feelings toward her. My parents don’t hate her either, but they know how much I’ve been hurt.

The time you had together was a long time. You probably know her well enough to know if it’s true or not.

In the meantime pull focus to yourself. Not her. Okay? Deep breaths, put on a movie or something, get out with friends, anything to distract you. Emotions are running high for you today.

[patrick d]

I was just about to write that. Beware of what family say. They have seen me hurt. So they will always see the bad in her.
People like you and any other girls tell me that talking to guys is normal.

Now there was one guy. We met him in holiday and he pushed to get her. He wanted her to travel with him. We were going through a really bad time then. It almost worked but I saw it. He was pushing her. She was almost just letting him. When I found out she said stop to him. She said they text from time to time.

He sister approached me a few years back. Wanted to talk privately. She said that my ex was having problems with my jealousy. That male friends were always seen as a threat and it was harming some of her friendships. She started hiding texting her male friends for fear of the Back lash when I wild be drunk. The sister warned me to control it or the to and fro from both sides would destroy us. I couldn’t stop.

I know she comes across as a natural flirt. She has this way with her. I don’t think she knows that. I said it to her a few times and she was embarrassed.
My youngest sister lived with us for a year. She said that she was a bit of a flirt but probably didn’t realise that. But his would get hooked straight away. But in that sisters opinion she didn’t ever think she would be the type to cheat.

Now chatting to guys is Ok as friends. Planning a trip was bad. But she said that by then she was up to her eyes with my actions.

She watched her parents split up because of cheating when she was 13. I know that she was always disgusted by other people that did that.

But then why is she texting me? Why day he life is shite whilst away with him.

If she came knocking then I wild give it a go. But I’m starting to think that maybe she has more work to do than me.

I don’t think she ever cheated. I don’t want to believe that. I asked her cousin and he said highly unlikely. That was always her strange way. He said she only kissed a few people in her life so would find it hard to believe that she would cheat.

So them why text me? My sister said I could never trust her. But that’s the thing. What do her family tell her? That maybe she can’t trust me not to do this things again? That maybe the drink will return? Lots of questions left unanswered. Maybe leave them in the past.

I got a feeling a few days ago when she said about her life and everybody has changed etc that maybe she is really thinking about everything. I mean that maybe she was thinking about her actions.

My sister said of she didn’t like that guy then she would leave. If she wanted me then she would ask. But would she? I doubt even I would without knowing for sure what the other person wants. And I’m an honest person. I can’t lie to save my life yet I have this with this girl and would have kept going but she was wise enough to tell me to take some time to sort things out.

Anyway. I’ll call over there tomorrow. See what’s happening.

Thanks so much for answering. I came so close to texting her

[patrick d]

I wanted to write; beware of what family says. But especially family from a country town in good old traditional Ireland, were although the reign of the church is gone, the sanctity of marriage and staying together for life etc and old style couples do everything together reigns supreme.

A dangerous combination. So would I take a chance on her. Yes. But I would set some ground rules. I know that the family would take a long time to win over again. I can hear it in my mothers voice and in what my sisters say.

She was quite a reclusive girl when over there. Even though she loved them and spoke of how great they were to everybody here, when over there she was fairly quiet. But then again, for continental Europeans a crazy, packed, noisy irish house must be tough to get used to. You shout or you don’t get heard.

[patrick d]

P.s. I text my sister roughly what I have told you. About her hating cheating. So either she has a talent for acting or she meant that.

The sister changed her tune a bit. She said “look, sure who knows what’s in anyone’s head. But this shite has to stop.”
So depending on how one tells a story will depend on the reaction. Language is a powerful and destructive force the film producer told me recently. How right he may prove to be.

Sorry if I am driving you mad today. But you helped me get through it. I’ll come visit you someday.

[ThePhoenix]

Hey, first know you’re not driving me crazy. I’m having a hard time replying as quickly as I’m not home at the moment in front of my computer.

I wouldn’t say she did any physical cheating, but people do say emotional cheating is still cheating. If I believed that, then my ex would be guilty at the end. I guess it depends on what you believe.

My family is the same way. We’re a very loyal bunch and she had been part of our family. My parents are very disappointed and were shocked by her actions, but don’t hate her.

Remember too, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you push, she’ll pull away.. much like that one dude. If you pull away, then perhaps she’ll push toward you. But you have to give it time, space, and really think of you want her back. Is it worth it, with all the difficulty? Could you ever trust her again?

These are things you have to really think hard on, as objectively as possible, without letting emotions get caught up and cloud your judgement.

Your film friend is right. I just wish my words weren’t misinterpreted so much with my ex. But I’m no stranger to it with quite a few folk.

[kaila]

How are your guys’s situations?

If you can please check my thread… I’m really depressed today I think it’s getting to the end now https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/

[patrick d]

Hi pheonix. Wondering if you are still here?

Could do with your advice.
A quick catch up for you. From early March we started hanging round together a lot. Through March April and May it got to the point were I was staying over there about 4-5 nights a week. We weren’t having Sex but had nice massages and slept almost naked cuddled up together.
Things started to unravel in June. She got stressed with study and felt like she was slipping behind. She had a room rented out to earn some cash and the flatmate was an asshole. We started seeing each other less.
She had during this time talked of a future and kids. She said she hasn’t had the time to recover properly from the break up and didn’t want to be rushed.

I told you before about the male friend she studies with. Anywhere he is I can’t go. Another friend told me it’s because she is afraid that I would do some thing bad. I’m not like that though.

Now we don’t text at all. She has exams coming next week and after that she wants to go travelling with this guy for a month. We had spoken about holidays together and when she told me this I flipped a little bit.

The no texting or meeting has really gotten me down this last month. Even on her birthday I wasn’t asked around. He was there and that was her reason. She said that I used to call him lover boy so why would she want me at something with a friend of hers that I hated.

Anyway, earlier this week I got texting her sister out of the blue. The sister said that the family all want us back together now. We were perfect. This is a big turn around. He nephew who is 19 told me that he thinks this guy is secretly in love with her but she can’t see that and trusts him fully. The nephew said that this guy keeps telling her not to go back with me because the same problems will always be there. He has never spoken to me by the way.

Whether he loves her or is just a friend, whether she is gone or not, I have changed dramatically. I haven’t touched alcohol in almost 8 months. I am really fit now from playing a lot of sport and even founding a new club. I have a job that I really like in the city. All things I didn’t have before. But her she blanks me.
Her sister and mother have both said recently that they don’t really know why and it makes them sad. They were wishing that we would be getting back together.

Thoughts?

How are you? What’s your situation now?

[Author]

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