Avoidant ex

[chris200182]

Hi guys.
I’m a little new to this. I hope someone can help? My ex girlfriend and I were together for 3 years. We had a great relationship brought a house together and spent most of our time together.
We talked about marriage and our future and she often said she will be with me until I no longer want her!
Well funny how that’s changed!!
We worked together and met through work . We spent 24/7 with each other which in hindsight we probably smoothered each other. We were fine until nov 2019 when I noticed her pulling away slightly. This was after we had talked about children and our future.
She went away with her dad for 3 nights to visit some family and when she came back she was quiet started an argument over something stupid and the went to her dads.
We have spent the last 3 months talking spending time together and having a good time. Every-time I get close to her she ends up backing away! We have argued a bit as well as I found out she was rebounding with a new guy who is totally opposite to me. I’ll be honest I didn’t take it well! As she hid this guy from me and her friends and family. She told me it was a mistake and apologized but says she wants to still be friends with him.
I have told her it’s me or him. She still cannot or will make up her mind. I have tried no contact after 10 days each tine she reaches out and contacts me. Each time very nice and she treats me like I’m her no 1 priority. I get close and again she backs off! This has happened 3 times recently!! I believe she is an avoidant as she lost her mother at 20 suddenly and had never dealt with her feelings for this. And often deals with conflict by ignoring or cutting out that person. She had never opened up about her mum to anyone even her close family!!
She won’t tell me she doesn’t love me and still had loads of her stuff at our house she won’t remove. Including photos of her mum that are irreplaceable. We talk near enough daily. And she backs off when I get too much. I don’t know what to do!?? I’ve never gone no contact for more than 11 days as she normally reaches out!!
I don’t want to lose her although it feels like I already have. I don’t know how to have a good conversation with her about reconciliation as she backs away every time I do. She hides from the talk or says she doesn’t want to talk about it!! Any advice. We were great and want to know how to deal with an avoidant?
Thanks guys

[patricia12]

@chris200182 You’re right about spending too much time together can be felt as smothering type behavior! Outside activities and even going into separate rooms for a while would’ve helped a bit. Everyone needs a little alone time and going out with separate friends from time to time.

I’m assuming she’s living with her father and you’re living in the house you bought together. That will give a little relief for both of you. How long have you been living apart??

Stop talking about how you think she dealt with losing her mother. Apparently it was years ago. Don’t hound her about it and don’t give suggestions. You will come across as a controlling know-it-all..

Don’t give anymore ultimatums as concerning the other guy as you have no right to do so at this time. You’re not married and you’re not even living together anymore.. After all is said and done, if she chooses to reunite with you, the other guy will probably become a thing of the past.

I’m sure there are some good memories, but apparently she has too many bad memories with you that prevents her from wanting to reconcile, so stop trying to persuade her to change her mind!

Don’t argue no-matter-what! For now, just talk about pleasant things and try to be supportive with anything she might want to talk about. Be kind and respectful. Give compliments when appropriate etc.. Then she will start to form better memories with you..

[chris200182]

Hi yeah she has moved back in with her dad!!. I am still living in our joint home. We have been living apart since December 2019. We can’t agree on what to do next with the house. We kinda skirt around the issue! And then argue.
I haven’t discussed her mother with her since the break up. I was just trying to think about why she clams up! I thought it might be because she struggled to discuss her feelings!!
Yeah your right about trying to convince her it hasn’t helped so far.
The new guy is frustrating as he is totally opposite to me and that frustrates me.
Should I stay in contact with her it go no contact? That’s what I’m struggling to figure out. I’m worried no contact will distance each other even more than we are. Currently we just texting casually everyday not talking about the relationship.

Very unsure on what to do??

[patricia12]

@chris200182 If you can afford to stay in the house, stay there. Is she on the loan or did she contribute to the mortgage payments. Don’t argue about it!

You’ve been living apart for about 3 months and since she apparently has some bad memories, it will take time for them to fade and the better memories to come to the forefront. Be patient and don’t talk about reconciliation at least for the next couple of months. If she brings it up, fine, but don’t beg or hound her about reuniting. Start creating better happier moments by how you interact with her.

Don’t ever discuss her mother again unless she brings it up and then mostly just listen..

Stop comparing yourself to the other guy! Apparently he has characteristics she likes &/or they get along okay..

You could do limited contact. By that I mean don’t text every single day as it can becoming boring and she might put you in the friend-zone. Let her initiate sometimes and then reply appropriately. You could also initiate sometimes. Even a phone call occasionally would be nice:)

Good luck:)

[chris200182]

Hey thank you!
I can afford to stay in the house. I’m just concerned if she wants to sell up! She currently pays half the mortgage which we have mutual agreed too. I think I will just offer to pay everything if she doesnt want to pay. And give her time to think.
Yeah I agree I think it will take time. I think her new best buddies have also not helped the way she thinks/ feels about me as they are all single with no commitment. I am a few years older than her which makes me worry!
Yeah good advice on the other guy. It annoys me because we know each other. But I know I can’t control what she thinks of him.
I will keep in light contact but will only do this every few days.

It feels frustrating that she has these thoughts of me at the moment. She says I’ve changed and am not the person she feel in love with. Maybe this will fade with time.

I just want to meet up with her with her guard down and bring her normal self. I think we both would re connect then!!

I hope that makes sense???

[patricia12]

@chris200182 How long have you been in the house and is the mortgage in your name? How long did she pay 1/2 the mortgage? To sell it and cut financial ties with her might be the best option if things don’t work out with her..

Don’t talk with her about the other guy and don’t talk with him about her!!

Don’t worry about what her friends might be telling her. If she was happy with you, she wouldn’t care or pay any attention to what they say!!

What are your ages?? What did she say were the main reasons for parting ways with you??

Yes, it would be good to meet up, but probably not a good idea anytime soon. You first need to be on very good terms and then get the sense she might want to see you in person.. Of course, if she suggests it, then meet with her.

[chris200182]

We have owned our house for 2 years!! It’s in joint names together. If things don’t work out I guess that’s what I’ll have to do!!!
Yeah I’ll ignore the subject and concentrate on good things.
Her friends are new ones who haven’t been in the picture for that long and honestly don’t have her best interests at heart in my view. She seems to care more for their opinion than mine at the moment!

I am35 she is 27 so a little different. I’m not sure if this is a problem it never had been!!

She has changed her reasons every week. Initially because it was her not me. Then it’s because we argued too much when we saw each other mainly due to her actions!! I’ve had them all different day different reasons.
She seems really confused in her own behavior and is acting totally different to her normal self in my eyes and others!!
That’s why I’m so confused!!
Yeah I think I’ll keep to casual texts and calls at the moment!!

[patricia12]

@chris200182 It doesn’t matter if the friends are new or not or what advice they might be giving her. If she wanted to be with you, she would be trying to reconcile. If she’s not interested in doing that now, it’s because she has her own reasons.

Arguments are one of the main reasons for breakups. Proper conflict resolution can help minimize the intensity of disagreements, so you might look that up online.. And yet, it’s better to avoid arguments if they become destructive and hurtful. Differences of opinion should be discussed calmly with respect.. otherwise resentments build and results in unhappiness!

You say there were arguments due to her actions.. What sort of behaviors did she display and did you talk about it with her? What were her responses?

Is she still initiating some contact? Are you? Is it done by text, email, or phone calls?
Remember, don’t do daily contact, but when you do, keep it sweet, light and supportive of her concerns etc..

Sorry for all the questions — just trying to understand the situation better.
The age difference isn’t that great, so don’t stress out about it!

[chris200182]

Hi thank you for the reply!!
And no worries about the questions!!
Yeah I understand she feels like she isn’t coming home due to her own reasons.
We have mainly argued about her rebound as she hid it from me after telling me she wouldn’t see anyone else and didn’t
want me to see anyone else either! She once told me she wanted to get back together with me but did t tell me she was still seeing this guy. . After the arguments she made more contact with me I don’t know why??

She is still texting me and we text daily and call a bit. It’s more me initiating the contact than her. Probably 70/30 split.

It’s just what I do now. Go no contact or keep in contact and keep it light and let her feel more comfortable with interacting with me!
What would you suggest??

[patricia12]

@chris200182 You wrote:”She says I’ve changed and am not the person she feel in love with.” In what way did you change?? Exactly what reasons did she give you for the breakup??

I can understand why you would be upset that she was rebounding with another guy, but please try not to show jealousy. She was with you 3 years and living with you 2 of those 3 years. Therefore, she is much more emotionally invested in you and has more good memories too. That sort of history is important, but the bad memories are in the forefront right now..

What does she say during these daily contacts? I suggest you back off contacting her to where it’s more 50/50, but not daily. She might start to think of you as “friend”; someone to talk with to pass the time or when she’s bored etc.. Give her a little space to miss you.

Since you’ve been apart for 3 months, consider having a serious discussion sometime soon about what she thinks of the possibility of reuniting. Ask what specific changes you might make to enhance your chances of reconciliation. This should be a calm respectful talk with both of you sharing your ideas and suggestions..

[chris200182]

This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

I think I have not really changed! I think the only thing is we have never argued before so that is obviously different for her. We just got on all the time.

She told me it’s her not me as to why we are breaking up and and that we have smothered each other by becoming too routined and spent too much time together. Which is true. I agree with that.
Yeah I understand about the other guy. Just worried he will spend tome with her and change that.

We normally talk about our day how family is and what we have been upto.
I spoke to her yesterday and have decided to give her a few days break to see if she contacts me first.and maybe miss me?

We have had conversations about reuniting but often heated ones or where I’m pushing getting back together. She keeps saying we argue too much when we are together and that’s why it’s not a good idea?

I have tried to cool things down when we speak now and haven’t argued with her. She just seems very cold at the moment and I’m not sure how to turn this around or if I can??

[patricia12]

@chris200182 You wrote:”She told me it’s her not me as to why we are breaking up and and that we have smothered each other by becoming too routined and spent too much time together. Which is true. I agree with that.” Married people spend a lot of time together, but they find ways to separate occasionally by getting involved with a hobby, going to another room etc.. etc.. And now it seems the texting/call have become routine! I still suggest you back off contacts a little to allow her to miss you! It’s possible that daily contact can become routine and slightly boring. You might even consider no contact for at least 30 days. I suggest it because even after 3 months apart she’s still not willing to consider reconciliation! And let her know you don’t want contact so you can “process” the breakup. This would be a scary step because you’re concerned about the other guy. But think back to this;”She once told me she wanted to get back together with me but didn’t tell me she was still seeing this guy”. You have to trust that she still has feelings for you and NEVER mention the other guy! And don’t argue! Just be the best you can be and let her make her own decision as to whether she would be happier with you! Be the guy she fell in love with..

You said you got along well and didn’t argue, but life became too routine and she left. Now you argue because you’re trying to persuade/push her to come back to you and also apparently you also argue about the other guy. Is that right?

[chris200182]

She told me originally that it was her not me. When we have sat down since we discussed our relationship and we discussed spending too much time together. We didn’t do much else than spend time together. No hobbies no tine apart. Which I see as unhealthy now. We no longer work together which should help.

I’m gonna give her a bit of space now and back off. See if I can get back myself a little! And see if she reached out? Hopefully so because it seems as it’s me doing most the initiating of contact in the last few days!! Is she drifting away??

Yes your correct we argued because of routine and lately it’s been because I was persuading her and pushing her. And arguing about the fact she lied about the other guy. I’m not fond of lies and I know she isn’t either!!

What a mess!!

[patricia12]

@chris200182 Yes, it’s a mess, but you have the ability to turn it around and make things better. You have to be determined to do so and make the effort to keep life better for both of you in the future if she agrees to reconcile. I agree it’s better that you’re not working together anymore:)

She might be drifting away from all the negativity (arguments + pushing). She might even think the situation won’t ever get better. That’s why it’s important to not contact her for awhile so she will have some space and time to consider whether reuniting with you would be a good idea or not..

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