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My ex and I broke up just short of a month ago, we were together for just short of two years. We’ve known each other since our mid teens but we only really realised how we felt about one another around two years ago.
We had a very unique relationship in the sense that we had jokes between us, had our own places we’d go to, things like that. We understood each other and we wanted the same things. We’d even talked about marriage and moving in together. Biggest cliche in the book, but we genuinely felt like we were meant to be and so did our families.
Basically we broke up very suddenly around a month ago. It wasn’t a bad break up at all but as you can imagine it deeply upset both of us. It was basically based around the fact that we’re both mature for our age but she is more able to actually prepare for the future than I am. She recently acquired a really good job in a line of work that she’s really god at but even before that she was able to save up some of the money for a deposit on a house (something which is quite difficult for most people my age) this was because her job paid her enough to do that. My job doesn’t. I barely made enough to survive from week to week. I’m not in the line of work I wanted to be due to circumstances that happened a few years ago that were beyond my control. She said that she understands that I wanted the same things as she did but just because I wasn’t able to show I wanted the same thing physically she felt like she was alone in wanting this future for us. She obviously has things in her life that are making her stressed but those are long term things that she’s more than capable of managing. She also was concerned that we cared about each other more than we cared for ourselves.
Essentially my work made me depressed and I lost myself in that depression and I just became complacent in surviving from day to day instead of really being able to show that I was planning for the future. Basically she saw breaking up with me as the real shock that I needed to be able to sort things out for myself and in a way she was kind of right because I’ve done an awful lot for myself in such a short time. The things she wanted were things that I also wanted but I’d just lost sight of because of how badly work impacted my life. She basically said that she didn’t want anyone else, she just wanted me in a couple of years time.
The week after we broke up we still spent time with each other (in hindsight this wasn’t the best idea). The time we spent together was lovely and we did often talk about what could be done to sort things out. I said from the start that if we were to try again I’d like to start all over to remove the chance of any of the past mistakes being repeated. Building a strong foundation, so to speak.
During that week she suggested we go on a date to see how things were between us. Immediately this puts things into a romantic context for the two of us. Obviously and stupidly, alcohol got involved. That night she got really frustrated because I was checking to make sure she was alright (as she wasn’t too well) and trying to make conversation with her and it made her feel like I was crowding her, but as far as I was aware we were on a date so that would make sense right? Basically this guy that she was talking to that night that she’d just met who thought that we were together still and that upset her more as she felt like it was inhibiting her from making friends. I went home earlier than planned that night because obviously I was really upset and angry.
The next day we bumped into each other at a show that we were both at and basically she explained that she’d kissed this guy that she was talking to the previous night to prove that “She doesn’t owe anything to me in that sense anymore”. Something I could have done without knowing. It was the next night I started No Contact.
I had a lot of questions obviously but before I stopped talking I asked if anything about this all really scared her. The response was that she’d never find someone who worked with her like I did. Something I felt the same way about.
So for that whole following week there was no contact or anything but you get plagued with the obvious thoughts ” Is she okay?” “What’s she doing?” and all of that.
It was around now that I started reading Kevin’s articles which started to instil a sense of confidence and hope in me.
The following weekend I was out just doing my usual weekend thing. It’s incredibly likely that we’d bump into each other since we enjoy the same places nut I did rather well in avoiding her this particular day.
The sad thing is that in that week other parts of my life had taken a bad turn. An old friend of mine suddenly passed away so obviously that only added to the grief. So I took Saturday as my night of going out and seeing some friends and essentially doing my grieving. Later on that night, to my surprise, she turned up at the bar I was in by herself and sat at the other end of the bar from me. Around 20 minutes later, the guy that she’d met and kissed when we’d been on that “date” turned up so as you could imagine that made me feel awful and having already been drinking it probably wasn’t the best place to be.
What was strange is that he just got up and left and somehow my ex and I started talking and it was really nice, asking how everything was going and how pleased she was to hear things were going fairly well.
At some point things took a bad turn and I was very unfair to her. I started trying to get her to tell me what was going on between her and this new guy and trying to get her to stay in the conversation with me. Basically I made a real fool of myself and acted totally out of character for me and I obviously worried that I either scared her or ruined her opinion of me. Despite all of this she still came to me before I left to check that I was okay and told me she was really worried that I’d ruin her perspective on me.
Obviously the thought of her dating someone else at all is still quite upsetting but it being literally a week after we broke up makes it so much worse.
Obviously that was another really angry and upset night. At the time I felt like I’d been shunned for caring about her but I realised in hindsight that wasn’t the case. I was very unfair to her and even now I’m very ashamed and upset that it happened as it’s not me at all and that I just wasn’t able to control the amount of grief I was enduring over that week, combined with alcohol of course.
It’s also worth mentioning that during the whole three weeks of no contact I’ve done, as a person I feel like I’ve handled things much better and become more understanding of everything. This mainly down to reading a lot of the EBP articles as well as seeking help on how to control negative and unproductive thoughts. By doing this I’ve rediscovered myself and I feel more like myself than I have in months. The only downside is that I’m struggling with anxiety quite badly still and I still have some really patchy moments and obviously, still plagued with the worrying thoughts about her.
There is another strange twist in the story but I’m pleased to say that this one is a much happier one.
A few days after I saw her in the bar with the new guy she’s dating I received a message from her just out of the blue asking if it was okay to bring some of my stuff back over, which of course it was. I gave her things back too. It was sad but I put on the brave face and tried to be confident. She ended up staying for coffee for around about 30 minutes in which I apologised for my behaviour that previous weekend and explained why that was the case and why that isn’t a reflection of what my life is right now, she seemed to understand when I explained about my friend passing away and about me just grieving in general.
She seemed really down and upset but we had a real laugh and we offered each other some advice with a few things that we were doing in our live and it was really appreciated on both sides. As she was leaving I just asked her in passing how she was finding things and, to my surprise, she said exactly the same thing I was feeling. She was struggling. Places, things, smells and other things bringing up happy and treasured memories of each other. We have different ways of coping, I wear my colours on my sleeve, I have to talk about my feelings or it drives me mad, she on the other hand deals with it all in her head and just puts on a brave face so it looks to me like she isn’t upset at all.
She told me to let me know how my day went after she left but since then I’ve resumed no contact and we haven’t seen or heard from each other since but I was pleased to apologise above all else and at least be able to speak on a good note.
Sorry for dragging this on but it’s been therapeutic to write all of this out. I guess what I’m really looking for advice on now is where do I go from here really?
I feel like I’ve found myself again, this is mainly thanks to the articles that Kevin has written. I’ve been given a new sense of hope in myself and some re-found self-confidence. I’ve also solved some of the things that I think were issues between my ex and I.
I’ve started saving money (I still don’t make much but I can save more than previously), I’ve started my driving lessons and I’m hearing back from jobs. I’ve been knocked back from some too, including one just a few days ago which caused me a bit of a bad day but I’ve arranged to take interview lessons to aid me in this.
I’m writing an awful lot again too which is something I struggled to do for a long time.
I still have plenty of bad patches too. Especially first thing on a morning and at work. My anxiety is still quite bad overall but I have a clear sense of where I am when it subsides. My ex is still a very prominent thought in my mind though as well as the associated thoughts and all of the feeling I have are still very strong.
What I’m really asking on advice for is where to go from here? I know my ex is seeing someone else and it’s still quite upsetting, but how does this affect my chances of being able to rebuild our foundation and how should I go about doing it? And some days I feel like I’m ready to break off no contact and other days not so much what do I do there?
I guess I’m still grieving in a sense but it’s becoming more manageable.
Again, sorry for the long post but I feel like it all needed context before I could ask the right questions.
I’d just like to post a quick update. It’s actually been a couple of days since I posted this and things have happened.
Basically I was on my way to work and I received a message from my ex asking if it was okay to come by my house after work one night and pick up a ticket for a different show that we were going to together. I was really hesitant to respond at all. I suppose the fact that contact had been made that wasn’t on my terms really threw me off. Obviously not to be an ass about it I agreed for her to come over later in the week.
A brief conversation followed in which she explained that she wanted some other things back too, which again is understandable as she’s looking to be moving out into a place by herself soon. She was very forthcoming with this information to me despite me only giving basic responses.
She’s basically told me she’s going ahead and living the future that we both had planned but she’s doing it alone. I told her that I was happy for her. Obviously this has caused a lot of pain though.
This is all literally within a month of us breaking up and about three weeks into no contact and everything seems to have moved so quickly. She was always in a better position herself to be able to do this but it feels like it’s just some kind of attempt to move on quickly. Considering the fact she’ll soon be going to University too whilst also having to pay for the house, it just seems really rushed and badly thought out.
I still feel like I’m trying to reorganise my life and do things properly whilst she’s doing all of this stuff that we’d planned to do together.
I was considering asking when I see her if she actually wanted to still come to this show with me. But I’m not even sure what to talk about when I see her.
Is this sort of behaviour typical of a rebound as well as the fact she’s already dating another guy she only met a week after we split up?
Help would be much appreciated.
It wouldn’t hurt to ask about her going to the show with you, but she might politely decline due to seeing someone else. I don’t think her feelings for you will change until you get a better paying job so she can have more respect for you and she knows you are trying to reach your mutual goals. This will take time of course.. And you also need more time to get control of your drinking and emotions. Her attending University might also be an obstacle if it will create a long distant situation. So just continue minimal contact if you want to and she’s receptive, but also continue improving your life..
Thank you. It might be worth mentioning also that I don’t have a drinking problem of any kind, it was just a one off and I’ve hardly touched any since. The University she wants to go to is in the same city we’re in now so the long distance problem won’t be an issue. I make my attempts at finding work very evident whenever we’ve made contact, she’s always asked about how things. I’m doing everything I possibly can be and I’m really proud of that. It’s something that keeps me going.
I’m glad you’re trying to improve yourself (depression and negative emotions) and looking for a better paying job. But she is dating someone else and doesn’t seem to want to reconcile with you, so that’s an obstacle and a problem for you. But whenever you talk with her, don’t mention the guy or any other guy. IE:don’t act jealous or angry about her seeing others. I understand it would hurt you and make you sad, even maybe feeling hopeless about your situation with her, but don’t give up on self improvements!
I would also like advice from any of you all on my situation I am new on this site. My ex and I are doing no contact right now. I’m on day 5. We talked for 10-12 days after the break up before we started NC. I see her around a lot cause we are in the same battalion. We are in the military. Everytime I see her she is With a specific guy assuming the rebound who is actually in the same company maybe even platoon. I don’t see her dating him cause it would be pretty unprofessional to mess with someone in the same unit as you in the army. But things happen I guess. But also she has been tweeting about how happy she is and yesterday tweeted about how I am using religion to try to get with her cause after the break up I have been going to church and plan to get baptized. Do I continue NC and let her do her thing and possibly date other people and move on or in my situation do I need to speak to her every now and then to build up attraction
Hopefully this guy is just a rebound, for her to prove to herself she can move on. He might be out of the picture soon. So far you sound like you’re trying to hit the goals you both had in your relationship. It’s a bit disheartening when the financial aspect puts a strain on things…I’ve been there. But you sound persistent and I’m sure things are going to start turning in your favor in due time with self improvement and NC. Best of luck to you!
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