Am I wasting my time?

[Lee Brads]

I think your better off just accepting it’s over because that relationship is dead anyway then there’s no disappointment if there’s no future reconciliation. My ex has said from day one she’s not going to change her mind but responded to all messages with xx after them and that was every other day for 8 weeks, a few I said stupid things and she’d get mad and that’s when she told me that she thinks it’s best if I ban myself from getting in touch with her till I’m in a good place. So I’ve been forced into no contact but I realise now that every time you message your just resetting the clock in terms of the breakup and it’s like your in denial which is true

[dreambig]

Thanks guys. I understand. The fea of losing her from me is massive but like has been said…I’ve already lost her.
She is posting selfies of herself all over social media again. I know I shouldn’t be looking but as we are still connected it’s kind of hard. I’m seriously considering taking a break from social media soon. I also think she is unhappy in herself. I know her very well, and liking a page that shares motivational quotes to me shows maybe things aren’t great. I do hope she is ok.

I’m accepting that we are no longer together and she is free to do whatever, as am I. I’m still not over her may never will be but my on,y choice now is to stay low, keep away and hope she somehow misses me enough to get in touch…

[Lee Brads]

I really do feel your pain matey, I told my ex to block me on Facebook as I didn’t want to see her getting with other blokes even though she’d told me two weeks before she wants to be alone as her depression and anxiety is really bad, she went mad at me which is understandable and that’s when she told me she thinks it’s best if I ban myself from getting in touch with her until I’m in a good place xx. So friendly and leaves the door open but just drives me crazy that’s why I’ve decided it’s over

[Seth]

If she is suddenly posting more selfies than usual on social media at this point that is a very good sign that your no contact is starting to have the effect on her that you want. You might want to review some of our earlier posts to refresh your memory on why that is a good sign and that I told you it would probably happen. Selfies are posted because of a need for validation, to get your attention and to convince you and herself that she is happy and just living it up. Now if she was content with her life and the breakup, would she need to do that? The answer is no.

Lee,
This “My ex has said from day one she’s not going to change her mind” and other variations of the same line such as “There is no chance we will get back together again”, is very typical for the ex to say early on in the breakup when she is determined to stick with her decision and communicate that to you. Yes she really means she wants space at that moment. But it is very likely that if you give her the space she wants, that will change when she has a chance to experience life without you for awhile. I agree that you should accept that the relationship is over AT THIS TIME and focus on yourself, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is permanently dead.

[dreambig]

Lee brads I hope you feel better soon man!

Thanks Seth I fully understand what you are saying. She is looking for attention and validation, I keep having ups and downs, but I’m staying strong.

I’m so pleased I’ve managed o not contact for this long, it’s been tough but I realise this is the only way to get her back if I ever have a chance. The hardest thing is not knowing whatbshe is thinking but that isn’t something I can control. Trying my best to continue moving forward!

[Lee Brads]

Thanks matey I hope you feel better soon too dude.
It’s tough going and I’m glad I’m blocked on social media which I asked her to do but the minds a powerful thing and it’s hard to not let yourself get carried away in bad images etc.
I just don’t know what my ex is thinking either mate especially with her mental health problems but she seems happy without me as I was the cause of things going bad by neglecting her and myself. I just hope the last message where she left the door open means she’s not looking for a relationship which she said outright to mid April and she’s always said during our relationship that she’s crap at relationships

[Seth]

You should be proud of yourself. There are millions of men and women in the world texting, calling and emailing their exes over and over, in a desperate attempt to talk them into loving them again.

It can take a tremendous amount of strength and self-discipline to not give into our irrational emotional desires. You are among the few who are showing maturity and strength in the face of all this. Women find that very attractive, because it portrays confidence that would make them feel safe, instead of neediness and insecurity.

Your emotional roller-coaster is natural. There will be some more down days, but they will occur less frequently as time goes on. Eventually you will realize you are feeling much more emotionally stable and you will look back in awe at how differently you felt just a few months ago. Things will also start to make more sense and different perspectives that didn’t even occur to you before will suddenly be very clear.

[Lee Brads]

Thanks Seth and your right I’m 10 days in and I’m a lot better than I was and thinking way more logically about how the relationship was, the only thing that’s making think about it still is this door left open situation, i wish she’d jyst say fuck off and move on sometimes

[dreambig]

Cheers Seth. It’s been tough but I do feel a lot better than I was even a week ago. For sure the instinct is to go after them, which is what I did in the first instance but I now realise I wasn’t thinking through emotion rather than my head. As much as I miss her and love her, I want her to be happy. If she comes back great, if not or if she finds someone else then I accept that. I hope he can make her happy. Sure it’ll sting but in the long run I can’t force her to be with me. I know I have my best chances of her coming back now after not contacting, I understand now (thanks Seth) that contacting her over and over will just well and truly bury any feelings he had left for me. At least I can say I left with my head held high, I tried and tried to fix things but in the end she didn’t want to. She is the one who has ignored me, and that’s okay, but I know for my own self worth and pride contacting again will make me look foolish.

@leebrads I get that, I think they are trying to soften the blow or don’t want to make you feel bad when they say things like this. They think they are being nice about it (and they are) but sometimes I agree for you it’s best that the door was slammed shut in your face…false hope or leaving you wondering can do more damage and take longer to get over her.

[Lee Brads]

It’s a strange one mate. She has always been so honest and doesn’t lie about or hide her feelings. When I have upset her with messages over the past 8 weeks only a couple of times she has gone mad at me and doesn’t put kisses after reply but every other message she has done. Also since day two of breakup she has said she wants us to stay in touch but you need that break. I’d driven her to nearly self harm and breakdowns twice mate and with her mental health she has to block out the past that’s what she keeps saying. Like I said our problems could of been solved with communication and not just pulling away like I did into a depression. There were several warnings and red flags she showed to me but I didn’t see it due to being withdrawn and so down, all daft really

[dreambig]

I wish I had an answer Lee brads. I can only say do what I am doing and follow Seths advice.
It sounds like you guys need some time apart. Concentrate on yourself, like what I am trying to do.

I am feeling better everyday now, I feel I’ve reached the top of the mountain and now coming back down. My mind feels more balanced and the overthinking is lessening, I’m mentally tired of it all now and I think that is a factor, my brain just doesn’t want to keep going over and over.
No updates regards to my ex, but still posting videos of herself sounding very happy and cheery. Which I do really hope she is. I wouldn’t want her feeling down about the whole thing, she needs to be happy with or without me 🙂

[Lee Brads]

Yeah that’s what I’m doing to be fair mate and like you I’m feeling better every day so onwards and upwards for us both and stay strong bro

[dreambig]

No updates really. Still not contacted, and she hasn’t no contacted me. I’m feeling ok but still up and down as to be expected. Everyday that goes by I feel her slipping more and more away. It’s been three months now since we broke up.

[Seth]

Three months since the breakup, but how long since no-contact started? That is the point that matters. That is when you fell off her hook. When she noticed that, she began to feel the consequences of the breakup. There are stages she must go through before she is ready to contact you. Every person goes through the stages at different paces, but staying no-contact helps her go through them quicker than if you were contacting her.

I know it feels that she is slipping away when you don’t have contact with her, but that is what would happen if you were contacting her. You would be pushing her away. Remember that everything you see in the movies about exes getting back together is not how it happens in real life. We can’t suddenly warm their hearts with the right combination of words, memories or gifts. Time and space is the only way.

My impression is that there was not a recent angry blow up complete with name calling and threats. Your no-contact started on a peaceful, barely noticeable note. This is very good for you, because she doesn’t have the worry of being yelled at when she is ready to contact you. Most exes have that extra hurdle to get over. Even then, they will still reachout eventually.

I would make a bet with you that your ex is going to reachout to you in two to four months from the date in which you started no-contact. I will also bet that she is not slipping away. At this point she is probably beginning to feel regret and realizing that life is not better without you. Posting happy pictures on Facebook would pretty much confirm that. When ever you see happy posts, remember that she is looking for validation. She is trying to convince herself and everyone else that she is happy. But, it’s not working. That is why she will post more, because she is in denial.

[Lee Brads]

The unfortunate thing for me Seth is that my ex has initiated the no contact by telling me to ban myself from getting in touch with her until I’m in a good place so what do you suggest I do as she definitely won’t ever contact me as she has blocked the past to protect her mental health

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