After no contact and no response

[MXM]

Hi all,
So my ex and I broke up after 3 months of being together. Part of the breakup was caused by my lack of self confidence and partially due to a reconciliation over a simple miscommunication that never occurred due to being in an LDR and never getting the chance to. I tried to make up to her over this very “minor miscommunication” (as said by my friends) and made her feel 100% wanted as often as I could, I realised that being the one to reach out constantly simply drove her away and made her lose attraction. A combination of her job and being in an LDR and the miscommunication meant I only got 1 or 2 texts a day and only after I sent a message first. It didn’t make me feel very wanted and caused me to become very depressed. I had to tell her I was on medication for it and that almost sealed the deal. I was dumped via text a week after telling her this.

We parted on fairly good terms as it happened. We met at an event and discussed things for a while and came to the conclusion that things were not right for both of us. I now accept that things weren’t at their best and that it was best to finish things for both of us. I asked her if she would never consider me again and she didn’t really answer with a yes or no. She apologised for how she had made me feel and got quite upset. We agreed to stay in touch and to go to concerts like we did after first getting to know each other.

She then contacted me on Christmas Day in a pleasant way, I replied nicely. I then decided to message her on New Years and was nice and polite, not bringing up anything from the past, I got no reply. I then initiated the no contact rule for a month and a half. In the meantime I have devoured every piece of information the internet has to offer including Kevin’s guide on how to get an ex back. I really love this girl, yeah shes older than me but things worked and we had similar interests and personalities that went well together.

In any case I sent a nice message 5 days ago now, not bringing up anything from the past and have got no reply. I’m really not sure what to do no. Was the text I sent wrong? Did I need to tell her that I’m working on myself instead? My friends are saying now to text her and ask for a definite yes or a no to anything in the future. However as hard as not knowing is I feel like it would ruin my chances of ever getting back with her. So my big question is where do I go from here? Do I:
A) Wait another month and then send a similar text nor bringing up the past
B) Wait another month and then send a text mentioning that I wasn’t my best self and I’m making progress to show that I’m changing and becoming the person she first met
C) Do I wait a few more days and then ask for a yes or a no
D) DO I wait a few more days and then send another text

A friend (a female) said that she would appreciate a guy asking for a yes or a no but I feel like it will ruin my chances with her and confirm to her that I am the needy and desperate guy that I became to try and reconcile our situation. I just don’t know what to do if I don’t ever get a reply. Does this means she hates me, is confused, never wants to hear from me again, is feeling guilty etc.?

Many thanks,
A very confused guy

[patricia12]

@MXM How far apart do you live from each other? How much older is she? When did she break up with you?

You already asked if she would consider getting back together and even though you didn’t get an answer, don’t bring it up again as she now already knows that’s what you want. And it will make you look needy. Wait a month and then send a text or call her to ask how she’s doing and catch up. At that time you could let her know you’re making improvements. Mostly make the communication upbeat..

The reason you’re not getting replies to texts is probably because she’s not too interested in you anymore except as company to go to occasional concerts. But nobody except her knows the answer..

[MXM]

She was 5 years older than me, we only lived 2 hours apart by train/Road and she ended things mid December 2019 although due to the miscommunication things had been rocky since mid November. I got very mixed messages from when we spoke last as she said:
A) To remain in contact
B) We’d “work on ourselves” for a while
C) We would put a break on things (I know its a breakup but saying putting a break on things??)
D) By the time we finished talking we were almost joking around as if we were normal again
I did as she asked to make her feel wanted yet it messed me up and made me ask for reassurance on the few times we met up as she had been cold over text for weeks on end and I wasn’t getting anything back. I know it was needy to do so and I regret it more than I can say.

I agree with what you say and I will go against my friends advice, I won’t ask her for a yes or a no as I know it’ll simply push her away. I will wait a month and then send another message. Which I’ve put below as an example:

Hi, I hope you are doing well. Just want to let you know I have taken some time out to think about things and I agree that ending things was the best decision for both of us. Things weren’t at their best and I feel like it is a good thing to focus on ourselves. I’m sorry for how I reacted, I took things very badly and I apologise for not respecting your wishes of a break and some space, I really regret not doing that.
I made mistakes in the relationship and I have learned more about them. I acted in needy and desperate ways that were very unattractive. I realized my habits were formed from old mental scars and my depression which I now know never truly went away and wasn’t treated correctly initially. When I fell for you I wanted to do everything in my power not to lose what we had and that’s why I acted in an insecure manner. I don’t want these mistakes to affect the future.
I have learnt so much about myself lately and have come to realise that I was no way near my best self, the real me, the normal me was the person you first got to know in France. I am well on the way to fully understanding myself and my depression. Ideally I would like to talk things through with you at some point when the time is right even if that has to be in the summer.
Moving on how have you been? I would really like to catchup with you sometime and honestly, I really miss speaking to you. If you want more time and aren’t comfortable with that then I totally understand.

Would it best to send this to address the main issue to let her know that I’m OK with things as they are because otherwise she’ll always believe I have an alterior motive?

Do you think it’s worth trying to save it or do you think because of my neediness she’s too far gone because if she’s not replied to a nice normal text then surely that means she either:
A) Hates me
B) Is confused
C) Doesn’t want anything to do with me (despite saying we’d remain good friends and stay in contact)
D) Wants me back but is too proud to say so

Sorry to take up your time but thank you for replying, just voicing my issues helps massively and getting some feedback. If there was some guarantee waiting would be worth it no matter how much its messing me up.
Thanks,
A still confused bloke!

[patricia12]

@MXM I don’t know how many miles apart you two are, but a 2 hour train ride is a very long distance. And a 3 month relationship with troubles is NOT a good sign! Usually the first few months are wonderful.

What was the miscommunication? Yes, putting the breaks on, asking for space etc.. all mean not wanting to be together. It means there are problems that cause discontent and unhappiness. These things are difficult to resolve unless both are willing to communicate, forgive, and make changes. But the percentage of those couples who achieve reconciliation are those who have a long history of time together with mostly happy memories. I’m not trying to depress you, but just giving the facts.

Have you had therapy for your low self-esteem or depression? If not, it might help..

If she wanted more attention/affection and you gave it, it seems she would appreciate it, but asking for assurances was a step too far. Apparently, after she asked for some space, you didn’t honor her request which was another mistake.

Your example of a message is okay, but maybe don’t mention your insecurities so often.. Is the message to be text, email, or phone call? NO, don’t say you’re okay with things as they are because that’s not the truth and she knows it.

Yes, it’s worth trying to save it. You’ll regret it if you don’t and if it fails, at least you’ll know you tried your best.. Did you two ever say I love you’s to each other? I think she might be confused and hoping things will be different and better, but I’m just guessing.

I suggest you relax for the next month and try to improve yourself instead of obsessing. And lastly, you should know that there are no guarantees in life! If it ends with this person, I suggest you date women closer to home!

Good luck:)

[MXM]

Thanks for you advice. We were approximately 100 miles apart but we managed to see each other most weekends. The first 2 and a bit months were wonderful really I didn’t have any really issues at all. I had mentioned earlier on that I had been hurt previously and that I had anxiety, she mentioned that she had been cheated on in the past. Besides that we had a great time visiting each other at weekends, going on walks and just generally spending time together. We had things planned to do when we visited each other top so we could both see a futire
I was a little nervous in the bed room once but that was because I am more or less new to some things in that area. She did say she was worried about how much I worried about things.

The initial miscommunication was in a few parts. 1) I had had phone troubles and asked whether a text had got through, I had made it clear that if she was busy I was fine with it. I simply wanted to know whether it had got through. That worried me that replied coldy to that and opened up old mental scars.
2) The next day we scheduled a phone call which coincided with me having a family member in the house. I took the call but she said it sounded like I was preoccupied and didn’t want to talk to her when in fact I actually did, MASSIVELY. The nail in the coffin came when my family member came into the room to ask a question, I asked her for one moment and she said she’d go. I tried to take her off of speaker phone but accidentally hit the hang up button. I called her back right away but as she was driving on hands free she didn’t pick up. I sent a text to follow up apologising but she ignored me all next day.
3) I have upcoming surgery and had an appointment 2 days after the hang up incident. I said I’d update her over a call the following day and she said that as my Monday was busy that was fine. It was a complicated update so i ran her through the details over text and as she said said I’d call her the next day. Despite saying to phone the next day she had a go at me for lot phoning.
She blanked me for days and my anxiety became out of control so I called her and messaged several times to work out what I’d exactly done. I agreed to make her feel wanted etc. Which as I said I did over the next few weeks. I only asked for reassurance as she seemed to be punishing me as it seemed for weeks afterwards which menat I went further downhill and became more needy. Its only because I got 1 text a day almost at most that it made me depressed.

I realise I should have respected her wishes and I regret that more than I can say.

Yes I am trying to get therapy to stop obsessing over her as it is destroying my life to be honest.

I am OK with her ending things really because for her work situation it was the right thing and I need to get better so I’m not lying when I say that.

Regarding my message, I received an answer text message this morning and it was neutral and short.
I want her to know where I screwed up as that demonstrates change in me. I was hoping I could call her and explain, however I even when things were well she always called me first, her phone always went to answer phone. I feel its too long to send in a text and a letter would be best, however my friends said this would be creepy.

No I never got to say I love you to her, and I wish I had because I do love her I know that. I just though it was too early to say that to her and it would scare her off. I have no confidence if you hadn’t already guessed!

I am trying to get on wjth my own life and am managing to some days but each day I have really really low spots. I am infinitely better in contrast compared to just after the break up, then I lost 10kg and was incapable of looking wafted myself.
Do you think wait a few days and then address the elephant in the room as such?
Oh I know there are no guarantees, I’m not that naive, a guarantee would simply make me feel better. I hope you’re right and she’s confused, knowing her I ought to give her time and she might come round. She is incredibly stubborn, as stubborn as me when I say I’m not giving up on her.

Many thanks,
A slightly less confused bloke

[MXM]

Essentially the message I received shut down the conversation. She ignored me when I asked how she was and simply replied briefly and then said she hoped i was feeling better. Kind of confused by whether its even good that she replied at all.

[patricia12]

@MXM It seems like you haven’t received any replies since you sent a New Year message. Apparently you sent another message recently and she replied this morning which is good:) A casual response is better than no response. I appreciate your post above and yes, I think you have lots of anxiety and maybe stress out when you don’t want or need to.. You have the ability to control your own thoughts and emotions, but therapy will definitely help.

When you start obsessing about her, do something to distract your thoughts. If you have a hobby, work on it. If you have a job, focus on that. Visit with family & friends, but mostly talk about pleasant things. Don’t overwhelm them with your insecurities and issues with your ex. They want to help, but it’s difficult and you don’t want them to worry about you..

Please take good care of yourself and try your best not to dwell on the past. Think positive for the future..

[MXM]

Thank you very much for your advice it is very much appreciated.
My final question if that’s ok is as follows:
Do you think I should now send what I drafted above apologising for my short comings by text or letter despite her message effectively ending the conversation? I doubt she’ll pick up the phone as we only phoned once a week when we were together owing to her job which definitely contributed to our fall out. I only worry that a letter might seem a bit creepy as advised by a good friend however a lot of my reading has suggested a letter is ideal. I am very much doing my best to distract myself as best as I can.

[patricia12]

@MXM You wrote:”Oh I know there are no guarantees, I’m not that naive, a guarantee would simply make me feel better.” Don’t ever ask for a guarantee. I understand it would make you feel better, but it’s unreasonable to ask for it. Life is unpredictable..

You might consider sending the letter or email after you start therapy so you can prove to her you’re serious about making positive changes.

But if you think you’ve given her enough space, you could wait for a few days and then send it. Don’t make it too long and don’t list a bunch of flaws. Comment on the main (flaws) reasons she broke up with you and let her know you are trying to make improvements. Keep the message more upbeat sounding than negative sounding..

Keep the distractions going so you won’t obsess too much or feel so sad.

I’m wishing you good luck:)

[MXM]

Thank you again. I will ‘end’ the conversation my terms tomorrow, leave it a week and then send either a text or a letter of accountability apologising for my mistakes. I’ll try and keep it as upbeat as possible (not sure quite how at the moment), it’ll be along the lines of what I drafted earlier.
I would never ask for a guarantee, I merely asked for reassurance when things went downhill as the impression I got was of no interest in me or the changes which I made. The following is the current plan and is a short as I could cut the original down to. Too long for a text perhaps?
Hi, I hope you are doing well. Just want to let you know I have taken some time out to think about things and I agree that ending things was the best decision for both of us. So that we can focus on ourselves. I’m sorry for how I reacted, I took things very badly and I apologise for not respecting your wishes of a break and some space it wasn’t respectful and I really regret it and I see why you felt the way you did.
I made mistakes in the relationship and I have learned more about them. I acted in needy and desperate ways that were very unattractive. I realized my habits were formed from old mental scars and my depression. I acted the way I did because you meant so much to me and I was scared of losing you. I am going to counselling to ensure these mistakes don’t resurface.
I have learnt so much about myself lately and have come to realise that I was no way near my best self, the real me, the normal me was the person you first got to know in France. I hope that we can reconcile even if that has to be at the end of the year.
Moving on how have you been? I would really like to catchup with you sometime and honestly, I really miss speaking to you. If you want more time and would prefer me to only talk to you during your holidays then I totally understand.

[patricia12]

@MXM Don’t send it as a text! If you have her email addy, send it that way. I’m suggesting ways to make the message briefer and to the point..

Hi (her name). I hope you’re doing well. I want to let you know I’ve taken some time out to think about things and I agree that ending things was the best decision for both of us so that we can focus on ourselves. I’m sorry for the way I reacted to the breakup and apologize for not respecting your request for space.

I made mistakes during the relationship by acting needy and desperate because I was afraid of losing you, but I’ve learned from them. I’m going to counseling to ensure theses mistakes don’t happen again.

I’m learning about myself and realize that I wasn’t behaving like the best me, the real me, the normal person you first got to know in France and I hope you will consider reconciliation someday.

How have you been? How is the job going? I would really like to catch up with you sometime and honestly, I really miss speaking with you. If you want more time, then I understand.

[MXM]

Ok, I think the only option then is to send it as a letter as I don’t have her email address. We never really needed to send emails so unfortunately I don’t really feel I have that option unless I ask for her email directly which probably wouldn’t be the best idea.
If a letter seems to odd then I feel that the only option I have left will be to send a text or message via Whatsapp etc.
My only concern is asking about her job, she is incredibly miserable with that and I have a feeling that it was the main reason why she got down and the original miscommunication occurred. I’ll change that to something we both have in common and can discuss in depth (if a conversation can be initiated).
I would assume that after sending it I’ve got to wait and see if I get a reply and that overall I’ve got to wait until the summer for anything meaningful to happen and can only attempt to rebuild the attraction via text in the meantime.

[patricia12]

@MXM The reason I like email is because you don’t have to scroll and scroll to read longer messages. Any yeah sending a letter might seem odd since you two are used to text or Whats-app, so do it which ever way you think best. Okay, mentioning her job might not be a good idea and changing it to something you have in common is more appropriate. Yes, wait for a reply, but don’t be upset if she doesn’t reply right away. She might need time to think about your message..

You wrote:”I’ve got to wait until the summer for anything meaningful to happen”. Why??

It’s possible to rebuild attraction via text, but don’t overwhelm her with too many texts! In the meantime, focus on your own life, work or whatever, and try to start therapy sometime soon.

Wishing you much luck:)

[MXM]

Yes that’s a very good point and I can see why. As I don’t have her email would it be reasonable to text and ask for it and simply say I have something to send her or be more specific and say why I want it?
Oh I know she won’t reply quickly, it took almost a week for her to reply to a normal message with no emotional baggage attached. I don’t expect anything back because I think she’s confused about everything, my biggest fear is that she hates me really. Texting to be honest has been the reason why I lose my head, it was has now been the common factor in both of my two relationships.
I wrote that because with my work and her being a school teacher she will want to focus on getting to the end of the year as the school she is at is making her very unhappy. I don’t want to add any extra worries or excessive stress on her for her sake. I really worry about how she’s coping and I don’t feel that she would be in the best frame of mind to discuss ‘us,’ I got on well with her mum who said to me she’d been a ‘grumpy so and so’ shortly before things ended. I don’t want to risk making things worse or making her get into an even lower mood or pushing her further away from me.
Oh I won’t bombard her with messages, a gradual return to normality needs to be made.
I am starting therapy very soon, hopefully at the end of this week.

[patricia12]

@MXM Just say you want to send her a message. If she asks more about it, tell her it’s an apology.

If she replies and is more willing to contact you, at some point later on, maybe you could let her know if she wants to talk about her job, you’re here to listen.

You wrote:”Texting to be honest has been the reason why I lose my head” I don’t know what this means. Why and how did you lose your head??

I agree she might be confused, but I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.

Try to stay positive and take care of yourself:)

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