-
Posts
-
My ex and I broke up two months ago and were living together, we moved out of our place about 5 weeks ago. A little back story – we dated for 5.5 years, moved in together in December 2018 and I decided to breakup with her in June 2019 because I thought there was a better match for my personality. I started to treat her poorly for the last 3 months we lived together even though she told me repeatedly she wanted to marry me and have a family. I was more focused on wealth and did not put much into the relationship and as such we drifted apart and were sometimes hostile as our values did not match at the time. Since then I have really grown as a person and realized that relationships and family are very important in life and that wealth cannot buy happiness. I also have learned what it takes to love someone and make them feel loved.
I implemented no contact for 30 days, asked her to meetup and told her the changes I have made and asked her if she would give me another chance. During this time she was very emotional and through her tears told me “I don’t think I can ever be with you physically or emotionally” as the breakup put her life upside down and has caused so much pain. Her friends and family hate me as well as they saw me with a new girl a week or two after we moved out and I freaked out one time when I saw her post on social media with a guy (I know not what I should have done but this was before I discovered the forum).
Since she rejected me I have started to move on but still love her, she texted me a week ago to check-in and we happened to go on a walk. During the walk she asked if I was seeing someone and I was honest and told her yes, she said she was casually seeing someone but not dating (he lives in a different city and is the complete opposite of me in appearance, drive and education i.e. he is a hipster, is a bartender where I have a masters degree, do very well and come from a family where appearance is extremely important). She was visibly annoyed when I told her I was seeing someone and she had already met my family. We ended up kissing and in her bed then I spent the night. Since then she still has repeated she does not see us having another relationship as she is so hurt, confused about her emotions. She has finally agreed to go on a date with me and yes I worded it as a “date” so she is aware of the context.
How should I handle the date? I.e should I treat it like I’ve never met her before, be more friendly than “interested”? Also, do I take it slow or try and move fast to get her back?
It’s strange you would date her 5.5 years, move in together and within 3 months start treating her badly and 3 months later breakup with her thinking someone else would be a better match for you!
In the short time since the breakup, of course she doesn’t trust you’ve changed as a person or that you want to be faithful to her. And to add insult to injury you allowed yourself to have sex with her. I wonder if you told her you love her at anytime since the breakup?
It doesn’t matter if the other guy isn’t like you, so you shouldn’t compare yourself to him.
Of course she’s hurt (after devoting herself to you for so many years) and she’s confused that you would leave her after so many years together!
I think you should take her out and do something fun. But don’t have sex again! Take things slow and court her as in the beginning. If you want to reconcile, at some point you’ll have to have a conversation about what you want, what she wants, and what you’ll both do to resolve the situation.
Thank you for the reply Patricia!
Yes it’s strange but I had huge commitment issues and freaked out. Looking back on it it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done but I can’t go back and change it.
After we broke up we would tell each other we still loved each other but after we had a fight a month after the breakup everything changed. She also hoped we would get back together but after we had a fight and she saw me with another girl that changed.
I do have a fun date planned and am planning to keep it light hearted and fun.
I think the timing here is important. You were seen with a new girl a week or two after you moved out, which might be understandable so soon after the breakup.
But a week ago when you were walking with your ex, she asked if you were seeing someone and you said yes. So if you continued to see this new girl, even while telling your ex that you loved her, how can you justify continuing dating the other girl? If you did this, your ex would definitely have trust issues with you! She would think you were not honest about loving her.
Was the fight you had a month after the breakup about the other girl or what?
Anyway, I’m glad you planned a fun date and good luck..
Hi Patricia,
You’re right about justifying seeing a new girl, she is likely a rebound and I am hanging out with her to fill a void that being single has left me.
We went on a date and it went very well, went back to her house and watched a movie and it seemed like everything was back to normal which was kind of weird. During the movie she brought up how I’m seeing another girl and that its hard for her to think about taking me back or dating me again as she knows I have been with another girl. I told her if she gave me a real shot I’d let the other girl go but I am confused as we agreed to see other people, why is this now an issue? We are not dating……
Further update, I saw her at the gym, we talked and she was being quite touchy with me… I found out she was stressed due to work and had not had time to eat so after my workout I went and picked her up food which she burst into tears when I brought her it. We hung out for an hour and it was weirdly like we were dating again as there was no awkwardness from either party.
I am not sure where to take it from here and would appreciate your advice.
If you truly wanted to reconcile with your ex, you would not be interested in dating others so soon after the breakup. And filling a void is a very poor excuse. Not only that, it shows your ex that she is just an option. Saying this:”I told her if she gave me a real shot I’d let the other girl go” proves my point and it’s like giving your ex an ultimatum. It doesn’t matter that you agreed to see other people. The fact you started dating someone else while professing love for your ex makes it seem like you don’t love your ex as much as you said you did..
I suggest you stop dating the other woman and focus on trying to make amends with your ex.
I do agree with you, once I end the relationship with the new girl how do you recommend I go about trying the make amends? Do I blatantly tell her I ended it because I am still in love with her (my ex). She is still very hurt by me dumping her and I do not know how to handle the situation to make it better.
Yes, tell her that you ended it. And tell her you’re still in love with her.
Take it slow. Date her and have fun as in the beginning.
You have to build up trust to assure her that you’re not going to dessert her. That you will be by her side no matter what..
To update my situation, we went on another fun date last night. She’s been super stressed with work and school lately so I took her for a pedicure and then we ordered delivery to her house. Anyways, I told her I was no longer Seeing the girl. She told me her seeing me with someone so soon after the breakup is what is really holding her back and hurt her the most. She said that we need to start as friends and then go from there to see if we can form some a romantic and emotional connection again. BUT we also kissed for about an hour, no sex but just very passionate kissing. I’m just a little confused on why she is so hesitant to try again, if she was that hurt why would she be kissing me and laying in my arms as that’s not what a “friend” relationship is…
Also, if you have any advice regarding timelines of when to try to escalate or talk about being more than friends I would appreciate it!
I’m just a little confused on why she is so hesitant to try again, if she was that hurt
I’m a guy and I honestly can’t believe you are saying that. You went out with another girl and then you still went out with the other girl when you were seeing this one. You were going out with the other girl just 3 days before you said she was ‘hesitant’. OF COURSE she is going to be hesitant. On top of it, you said this:
I freaked out one time when I saw her post on social media with a guy
so, you freaked out when she just posted on social media with a guy but then can’t understand why she’d be hesitant after you broke up with her just over 2 months ago, treated her poorly, went out with another girl, then still went out with the other girl when you were going out with her again. Really?
I agree with Mr_the_ex post. You treated her badly and it’s difficult to believe you ever loved her or if you actually sincerely want her back
Don’t go to her place or yours as it will probably end up in something physical (more kissing, sex etc). Just continue to go out on fun dates and then after a few more dates, ask her what it will take for her to consider reconciliation.
I agree with both of you, since our breakup I’ve gone through a lot of personal growth and genuinely want her back and want to be the man she deserves.
We went on a small date (walk and ice cream) and it seemed like we almost took a step back in terms of moving forward with a relationship. We texted after and she divulged that deep down she wants nothing more than to be with me but has a lot of reservations (will we revert back to where we were in a few months and if I would be controlling again), they are valid reservations and I do understand them. She also said she is not ready yet, we are both traveling in September so we agreed to take a “breather” from each other and check in mid month.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this now or how I can help her get through these reservations she is having?
She is the one who has to navigate any reservations she has, but you can maybe help by proving to her you are working on your flaws.
Most women run away from a controlling boyfriend! And women are not happy in those types of relationships!
Therapy would help you understand why you have controlling tendencies and behaviors. You would learn how to change those negative personality flaws.
I completely agree with the controlling comment, I have been seeing a psychologist for the past month and a half and have be dealing with it among other things. I know I’m not fully there but have made a lot of progress.
Do you think I should go no contact for a month and then initiate contact or just minimize my contact during the periods we will both be travelling?
Thank you!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.