-
Posts
-
Full story here :https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/nonsense-breakup-and-its-messing-me-up-real-bad/
First of all, I want to thank everyone that supported me here. Like 1000 times thank you.
I want to start off saying that I’m no longer the emotional wreck I was when I started that topic. I’ve evolved A LOT. Like when a Feebas evolves into a Milotic (Pokémon reference people, hehehe 😉 ) I’ve changed.I feel I’ve become a brand new woman. I feel powerful. I feel confident. And for you guys that are starting NC, let me tell you that it was that unbearable pain that turned my heart into a Fullmetal one (yay, Fullmetal Alchemist reference! :D) This was a walk through Hell. It really was, and it still is.
My ex didn’t contact me AT ALL. And this is where I would need advice.
You see, I was informed that he unfriended everyone on Facebook who is a family relative of mine, except for me and my friends. He didn’t unfriend me (yet), but still didn’t reach out to me, and honestly, I don’t think he will. He also deleted our anniversary pics, and possibly got rid of the stuff I gave him. My opinion on this? I think he’s forcing himself to be over me. He’s forcing himself to move on. I mean, come on, we were together for almost 2 years, he can’t really move on like that in 4 weeks. Right?
I’m asking for advice here, as I think he’s taking significant steps to move on. He’s also different. He was very discrete on his Facebook, and now fills his profile with pics he takes (he’s really into photography) because he recently created an Instagram account. I don’t know if he’s trying to get attention or he’s distracting his mind away from me. I don’t know anything, people, hahahah! So please, tell me your opinions on this. 🙂I also think that the reason he doesn’t talk to me anymore it’s because it hurts. It hurts talking to me because what we had is gone. He was the one that broke up with me, but I’m pretty sure it hurt him. You see, this guy really loved me. Believe me, he did. He was CRAZY for me. Although that day he didn’t seem the same guy.
Also, those of you who read my topic telling my story realized that this was quite a traumatic breakup for me. Only God knows my pain. And since then, I’ve been constantly dreaming about him. I have good dreams and I have nightmares. That makes me wake up in pain and drives me nuts sometimes. But only for a short period of time.
Look, I’ve reached the stage where I don’t quite know if I want him back. You see, I love him. I really, really love him. But I don’t need him. Why I want him back? Because we’re quite similar. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world when I was with him. And he felt the same. I’m sure of that because he said it countless times and I could see it in his eyes. We both have similar goals in life.
But the other part of me feels disgusted. Disgusted of the time I spent with him, all the intimacy we had. Disgusted of his heartless attitude of leaving me all of a sudden. Disgusted that he won’t even reach out to me to see how I am. Disgusted that he unfriended my family, who would ask about him and worry about him. This is a mix of love and hate.I’m pretty aware that I have to rebuild the attraction. This will be quite a challenge, as he said it was definitive and that he longer felt the way he used to feel. I do think that his actions are matching his words, unfortunately, even though he said it when emotions were running high.
Like I said above, I know nothing xD. So please, won’t you take your time and tell me what you think? 🙂
Hey, @Platinum!
well… according to the plan, the next step is reaching him with the letter, I believe.
However, you gotta assess your own feelings beforehand to be 100% if you want him back cause, as you said, you are no longer sure about it, even though you still love him.The fact that you hate him just reinforces your feelings for him, but it doesnt mean that you want him back. So, before making any move, be sure you want him back. And Id definitely go with the letter (I actually did it a few days ago).
Good luck 🙂
Hey Bat, thanks for the reply.
I have a particular problem with the letter… You see, I’m sure I would creep him out if I sent him a letter. I actually prefer a text message. Nothing too “aggressive”. Just something friendly. And it’s also more convenient for me to use a text message. I don’t know if he blocked my number. I hope not.
I have an idea of what to send him. But I’m scared that he ignores me. I don’t want more pain. This guy was a total idiot towards me the day he broke up with me. Seriously, he looked like someone completely different. I may have started it, but that was no reason to do something as drastic. He was childish. Break up out of nowhere? Is he insane? Does he even know what he wants? If he’s insane, then he might as well search for a psychologist, because I’m definitely not the person to screw with. I’ve devoted myself to him and he throws away 19 months of love and intimacy…
oh my @platinum ! I can already see a new and better you from your speech here! 😉 Great job girl! :* you’re doing great so far!
I did read your story last time, and hear me! it’s good start that you’ve progress this well already at this stage 🙂
‘You love him, but you don’t need him’ That’s exactly what we all must achieve! Because that’s how a healthy relationship work. You don’t make each other more complete because we actually are ‘complete’ by ourselves, as a functioning human being. And our partner would just be a bonus . So literally, we don’t NEED them. We just WANT them. Break up sucks but remember we came to this Earth alone that’s why we need to learn to be truly happy by ourselves. And you’re so close or should I say already reaching that point! 🙂 I admired your postivity.. which I don’t have because I’m still working on being the better me. I depended on my close ones ( including my ex and my family ) a lot :/As for the case that he haven’t contact you. Don’t worry too much! I bet he’s suffering too post-breakup. And he just doesn’t know to face you because you know why? he felt GUILT! He feel bad for himself. Of course it hurt him too but he’s on the down side here because you took this opportunity to grow as a person. While he’s just trying to avoid everything and he wants to show that he’s doing okay. (Urgh some men and their pride game ) I promise you, he won’t just forgot everything, he’s probably just caring for his own ‘face value’. As a men, if he go directly back to you asking you back it’ll make them feel less manly . So at this period although he misses you and thought of getting back together with you, his ‘manly’ side won’t allow him to do that.
But a relationship take two hearts to work out. That means when it come it an end it’s not just completely his fault or your fault. It’s that love doesn’t come with instructions and as a human we make mistakes. Take this time apart too to evaluate what really went wrong. It’ll help you not just learn to love better if you get to start a new relationship with your ex or someone else.
And a little advice here! The ‘letter’ I sent my ex is a text message version. Because personally like you too, I feel like a text message is more assessable as in it’ll make them feel easier and more comfortable to reply. Also , you can start a small conversation first with him. It’s okay if you make the first move! And text him at a time you know he won’t be busy or hangout with friends .. text him when he’s alone with his thoughts like during midnight. That’s the time I find out my ex would respond willingly.
If you don’t feel like contacting him yet then don’t, continue NC and continue striving for yourself. Because a 30 NC may be enough for us but for them it may them a longer time for them to process the whole thing and realised what they’ve lost. So anyway.. seriously! It’s their lose for giving up on someone that won’t give up on them. If they feel like they will feel they will find someone better I’ll say : WELL GOOD FOR YOU! GO ON! haha 🙂 like they will.. xD
The thing is I also feel like me and my ex are soulmates and bestfriends more than just lovers. But same as you I used to miss our intimate times not I feel EWW thinking back haha! I still love him deeply though. Just be patience and let things go with the flow, time will prove everything. 🙂 Stay Strong! xoxo
Thanks for your support moonbunny. Yes, I think that he’s kind of scared of me. I think he’s missing me too, even though that’s not what he’s showing. But at the same time, I don’t know. I have my doubts. If he really missed me, he would have contacted me, no matter how bad he feels. I know him, and at the same time I don’t.
When I said I was disgusted, I meant it more in a sense of shame. He threw all we’ve been through away in a matter of minutes and out of the blue. It was as if some sort of bug bit him and injected a brainwashing substance in him. I think “What the hell, this guy was worth nothing of what I did. All this devotion for what? For this?”
Yes of course you know him, but things will be different because we are no longer a couple. And he may not be the same kind of person he was before the breakup. I used to think that I know my ex, but I guess I just don’t anymore too.
I’m not saying these are fake hopes but believe me.. you’re constantly on his mind. And he may be just struggling on what is the right thing to do. Letting him come to you is the best thing. But keep in mind that in may not happen in 30 days, maybe it’ll take 40 or 50 or 60 or more.. because everyone process a breakup differently. Sometimes you have to let him have that enough time to experience things without you that’s when only he’ll realise.. It’s a a freaking dilemma.
Yes yes I understand your meanning of ‘disgusted’ . I was feeling the same of that expect , just a few days before the break up we were still so close together. And because we went too close for a few days and ended up he telling me ‘he don’t feel it anymore’ and alll those stupid explanations.. I mean wth the hell? How did he choose to forget everything and throw away all our efforts and memories that we build up together for more than 3 years already???
I’m feeling so much pain and confusion too. But my advice is don’t contact him yet. Say, give it another few more days and calm your thoughts. Maybe he’s still upset with the whole thing and a sudden contact will just ‘feed his ego’ although it’s not necessary like this. To play a safe side maybe you can prolong the NC to say 40-45 and see if he did contact you
I would do that, moonbunny. In fact, that’s exactly what I feel like doing. But I’m scared that he moves on and finds another girl. You see, unlike you, I’m not on talking terms with him. He said we could be friends, but right now he’s not even my friend. He’s forcing himself to forget about me. He thinks that forgetting about me is easy because that was the experience he had with other past relationships. He once told me that he got easily tired/bored of the past girls. His past relationships would only last 3/4 months and then he would break up because he would be sick of it. So this is the longest relationship he had, or so I think.
I bet he’s going to see for himself that it’s not like before. 4 months cannot compare to 19 months. He’s going to confirm what he once told me, that I’m very distinct and unique. But when he does, and IF he does, he’s going to have a hard time getting me back. I’m not the kind of girl he can freeze for some time and then have me when he wants. Like, no way.
I wish I could have him at least as a friend. I would feel somewhat relieved. That’s all I’m asking right now. He’s my best friend, he once told me I was like a sister to him. In fact, if I were to tell you every single thing he said to me, you would think to yourself “Either this guy didn’t grow up, or he’s insane.” For now, I just want to be able to talk to him as a friend. Nothing more. But he’s trying to cut me out of his life. I mean, why did he have to go as far as unfriending my family? They didn’t talk to him about what happened. They didn’t do anything to him.
For all I’ve seen until now, my lack of contact is making him think “Good, she’s moving on, I’ll do the same. She’s not bugging me anymore, so that must mean she’s healed and finally forgot about me.”
Hey Platinum, My situation is very similar to yours except im the guy and my ex is the girl. There were few differences like we talked for months after breaking up and even saw each other frequently every couple days at least, its like we never broke up kind of. I was a lot like your ex I didnt want to be with my ex, well I did actually more than anything but we had recently been through alot and I thought we needed some time apart. I figured it would all work out eventually but if she ever brought it up I would say its a bad idea. I think she saw a few people on the side during this time because thats just how she is, she has to have someone giving her attention you know and I wasnt(sexually). but she always hid that from me and when I was finally starting to feel like we could work things out and I had been making positive changes she told me that she was seeing someone else. That destroyed me and caught me so off guard and now here I am. I would appreciate it if you would take a look at my story and see if you could offer any advice to the situation from your point of view. As far as advice for you I can tell you this. He is acting the exact same way that I did and I honestly cant tell you why he is doing it. Maybe part of him thinks that he will be better without you im not sure. I used to try to convince myself of that even tho I knew it wasnt true. Anyways what I can tell you is that he still cares for you very deeply.If He feels anything like I did then he wants to be with you more than anything he may just be confused or resentful for some reason. I never admitted that I wanted my ex back more than anything until it was too late. He needs to be shown that you aren’t going to wait around for him and I guarantee he will straighten up and see what he is missing. Im not saying to go out and find a relationship Im just saying to tell him that you have other options out there and you seriously considering pursuing them. He thinks that you are just going to be there whenever he is ready. That’s what I thought and we seem to have a lot common. I could be wrong about all this but I doubt it. Trust me he still loves you more then anything he cant just let it go. I never deleted anyone on Facebook or anything except my ex because I didn’t want to see her moving on. I’m sure he probably just did that because the less he sees of you the less he has to face it all. I kind of did the same thing with my exes stuff I would constantly be on her about moving all of her stuff out of my house because the more I saw it the more I had to face that I missed her being there every single day. Now I regret it all. Best of Luck
Hey Bradmiley, thank you for your insight. I really needed a guy’s opinion, especially a guy with experience.
So you’re saying that he’s basically taking the “easy” way? I don’t know if he’s seeing someone, I have no clue. I’m pretty sure he won’t find someone better than me. That’s how high my confidence is now. And I have a strong basis for that. He said it himself. He felt that. But that was then and this is now. He may or may not have seen someone before breaking up, but if he did, that was not the reason for why he wanted to break up. Nor did he mention that he cheated or had some other girl in mind. I do know, remembering that dreadful day, that he was very depressed and destroyed when he broke up with me.
I just wish I could talk to him as friends. I would be happy with that, because I miss him. I would text him, but he ignored me back then and he didn’t reach out to me during NC, so I’m scared that he ignores me. Even though he used to think of me as an interesting girl… If I could just start friendly conversations with him, maybe I could have a little bit more of a chance of reigniting the fire inside him.
My birthday is coming. I’m also considering that he won’t even send me a happy birthday message, although I have him gifts and even drew a portrait of him. But we were good back then. We had a lovely day that day. I just miss him and I want to talk to him, but I’m scared of him… :/
I’m not saying that is taking the easy way really. I would compare it more to the grass is greener syndrome. If I had to guess he still wants to be with you and has every intention of doing so. He might just need a push to realize it. I did.
Hey @Platinum ! Sorry for the late reply 🙁 I was busy with my college stuffs haha.
You see I guess your ex and my ex have big similarity here. I bet your ex is quite young too? And so do we. And it’s their first ever serious relationship with someone. And like your ex too, my ex used to take me as his role model in his studies. Because I used to always have good results. And also he’ll be always very happy when I bake him something ( I love to bake! ) Just like you said he loves it when you give him drawings 🙂 And like you too, me ex and I are each other’s best friends. And my point is.. we both shared an awesome relationship with them, and it’s not like they don’t love us anymore but they want to explore other options out there, they want don’t want to forever settle down while they’re still young. They want to be ‘free’. And they thought that their life without us would be wonderful. So for now, just let them be, seriously, they don’t know what they’ve been missing. Boys are like that, they only start to realise when they finally lose it forever.You’ll get to talking terms with your ex too Platinum! You see me and him broke up in June. Abit earlier than you. And I’ve been through NC and talked with him after NC and slowly build everything up. You just done your NC . And even if he haven’t contact you, there may be many reasons behind this. He may be missing you like crazy but don’t want to text you because he broke up with you he want you to feel like he’s ‘okay’ that’s why he still remain silent. Ohh, and PRIDE play a huge game here, especially for a young man like your ex. Or maybe like you said, he’s trying his best to forget you. Basically he won’t just forgot everything is 19 months because that’s not even possible for a human unless he’s a robot! He’s only hiding from it, and I bet it’ll come back to him. And it’s gonna be 10x worse. And unfriending your family.. is only ‘game’ for him to make himself feel better to be able to forget you, at least to him. So don’t worry too much . My advice is give yourself and him some more time.
Hopefully he’ll initiate a contact with you soon. And if not , it’s okay if you make the first move. Because I bet you’re like me, I really do miss and appreciate me and my ex’s friendship , I don’t just appreciate him as my lover. Note : it’s okay he’s abit resistant towards you at the beginning! Because it’s just a natural reaction for him as a dumper. Because in his mind now he wants to act like he’s okay without you, although this isn’t the truth at all. Slowly build up some contact, like ask him how has he been and make sure you genuinely want to know, and show that you just care for him as a friend. Don’t say things that pressure him. And it depends if you wanna send him that letter with text message or not to send. If things feel good maybe you can ask him out for coffee. But before that you have to build some connection with him first.
Stay Strong! I’ll always be here to here you out <3 And always like Brad said, both my ex and yours may be having GIGS. :/
Thanks moonbunny. For me, it’s the first real relationship, but for him it isn’t. He had other girls before he met me. And his relationship with them didn’t last long because he would get “bored”. He told me his stories. He told me, when we met, that there was a girl he was very intimate with, but it didn’t turn into a relationship because she had to move to another city. After some time, he met me and fell for me right away.
And, well, the day he broke up with me he said he didn’t love me anymore and that he was serious about it. Those were his words, I don’t know how he actually feels. Judging by the way he’s acting, he’s matching his actions with his words. I just don’t know, I have so many questions.
And by the way he’s 20 and I’m turning 20 next week. The only way I can think of him initiating contact with me is on my birthday, but I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t send me anything.
But it’s his longest one right? So the feelings are much deeper compared to those that only lasts for a few months. I bet he still have you in his heart but sadly, he’s curious of all the other options there. Boys this end ( like my ex too) loves freedom. I mean in all aspects. And your best bet would be move on and show him what’s he had been missing out. He maybe still won’t see it but soon he’ll realised he misses you, provided that you two shared quite a perfect relationship together.
This guy need to grow up and realise what he really wants in his life. He seem like my ex . Except that my ex haven’t dated anyone besides me but I did . Which all, I didn’t even bother to remember. I can’t imagine my ex dating another girl.. it hurts to even imagine ;/ But I’ll learn to accept that because since we’re over now. I am confident enough to say that he won’t find another girl that love him as much as I do too. I just don’t feel like I’ll ever date another guy again for now..
It’s okay if you have so many questions.. that’s why breakups are so exhausting.. we never really will get an definite answer. I feel that you don’t take what he said too seriously, because every relationship is different and I bet the one with you was his best and the most unforgettable one. Well if you feel like you’re ready.. it’s okay if you reach out first. Just a genuine question on how he was doing. I mean if you feel really cared to have him in your life then it’s okay if we make the first move first. If he have a mature thinking he would at least reply. Then start buidling positive interactions from there
Yes, it’s his longest or so I think. But the way we broke up and the reasons he gave me don’t make sense at all. He was so passionate. He was talking so tenderly to me the day before. We went through too many things for me to be able to let go. I’m still in love with him.
Awww 🙁 I understand dear.. there must have been so many questions now on your head I know. My ex did the same.. he broke up with me right after we came back from his family trip and we were still so close together during that trip. He was lying on my shoulders and we hold hands all the way on the way home..
You know… I feel sometimes a true reconciliation really does happen. But it won’t happen in a month or two it takes at least 6 months to years. Provided that the relationship had a good foundation and both party appreciates what they’ve been through and somehow still have feelings for each other and they connect at a later phase in life when they’re both more mature. At the meantime they may even date other people but none were serious. True love don’t just fade away because bonds don’t break easily.
Sometimes the best chance is to simply move on . I’m not saying that you should without trying some options. But what’s really important is our mindset. For now I’m really not rushing to be back together with my ex any more. Because I trust in God that if we’re meant to be then we’re meant to be , nothing could stop us. We’ll take several detours but surely, we’ll find back each other. So I hope you could do the same , just let go. Not give up but let go.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.