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Boards No Contact Rule 23 days of NC

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Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)
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  • #113686
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 2253

    @xicana17 He sounds very depressed about the circumstances of his life. When he mentioned thoughts of suicide, did you suggest therapy at that time? I’m sure he knows he needs help and wishes things were different or better regarding his life, but he’s the one who has to make the decision as to whether he seeks out that help or not.. If he finds himself on the verge of self destruction, he could call a suicide hotline. I agree with you that he desperately need therapy, but there’s little else you, his friends, or his mother can do.

    What type of community wouldn’t a mother (seeing her son in agony) wouldn’t suggest therapy or do anything she could to try and help alleviate his suffering.

    You seem like a very kind and caring person! I hope it goes well with the phone call:)

    #113687
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    xicana17
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    • Total Posts: 29

    I think he is, especially when he went on the trip with his friends he saw that everyone had a job they liked or had their college degrees. He told me he just felt stuck overall. When he told me that, yes. I told him he really needed to talk to someone about it and if he needed help finding a place I was willing to help him but he never asked.
    I understand and you’re right. There’s so much we could do. The last time he messaged me he did tell me he’s been hiking a lot and from what I understood it sounded like it’s been therapeutic for him. I hope it’s helping him a bit at least.
    A Latino community. I know his father was abusive towards her and I know she never got therapy for that. Mental health is a taboo topic and it might be in other communities but I know for sure in a Latino community/household it’s something we don’t talk about.

    Thank you so much @patricia12, I will keep you posted!

    #113691
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    xicana17
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    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12

    I decided to text him today, i texted something that reminded me about him and asked how he was doing. I also told him that a family friend passed away and he decided to call me because I told him it was something I would’ve wanted to tell him through a call. It was brief, however given the circumstances that was all we talked about. And it was less than 10 minutes. He told me he was there for me, that he cares about me and if I ever needed to talk or needed to hangout to let him know. I wish I could’ve kept the conversation going but it would’ve felt odd to change the conversation from death to something else. So we left it at that.

    #113696
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 2253

    @xicana17 If this was your family friend, but someone he knew, it would have been better to call him about it and perhaps then ask how he’s doing. I think reminding him of something that reminded you of him was a mistake and not appropriate when you had sad news to relay to him. You said you wished you could’ve kept the conversation going , but I’m glad you didn’t, not only because it would’ve felt odd to change the convo from death to something else like you said, but because like I said before; TEXTING can get to be tedious and boring for most grown men. And he sounds like a guy who prefers phone calls (as a lot of guys do), but in the past you resisted because it’s outside your comfort zone..

    In your post of November 29th, you said you were the one who said you missed him. no pressure, but hoped you were able to hangout soon. Then you wrote:”His response was that he did too and he talked about how the transition to being friends was odd but that catching up was nice. And that the idea of hanging out sounded good and that we can set something up. I texted him back but he hasn’t responded back so its ok.” After he said “we can set something up”, you could have simply responded with Okay, let me know when it would be convenient for you and ended the conversation. I don’t know what you texted him back, but he didn’t respond and obviously he was done with that conversation. Another thing that concerns me is that he implied he wants to transition to being friends. He also said “we can set something up”, but now he wants you to request a hangout. So it seems to me that he’s not very anxious to meet up with you AND he wants to be friends only..

    But you know him better and perhaps I’m getting the wrong impression from what you wrote. I’m hoping therapy will help you sort things out!

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avatar patricia12.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avatar patricia12.
    #113709
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    xicana17
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    • Total Posts: 29

    He asked me if he could call me when he was off from work. He asked me how I was doing (regarding the death of our family friend) so we did talk about it on the phone. I just mentioned it briefly thru a text. I wanted to start the conversation with something to “break the ice” I guess. That’s why I started it off with the “memory lane” text intro ( i guess you can call that ).

    Yes, when I told him about hanging out I should’ve stopped with that but I decided to try to keep the conversation going. It obviously didn’t work because he never replied back. I agreed to being friends when we broke up. I realized I wanted him in my life some way or another than not having in my life at all. He left it up to me to hangout because of what I’m going thru regarding our family friend. He wanted to be supportive so he let me know that if I needed a distraction that we could hangout. We kept texting the whole day yesterday and he kept asking questions, not sure out of courtesy or he really was interested but it was nice to be talking to him. He responses didn’t seem cold or anything but I just have an odd feeling. I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard for us to be texting like before (obviously not the lovey dovey texts but more of the humor texts). I know I need to take a step back and just let it go its own way naturally.

    It seems that way to me too, that he’s not anxious, but I know hanging out is probably not at the top of his priority list and maybe he is not even ready yet but I am just going to give it some time. He hasn’t texted back at all today. And I know I shouldn’t text him back and just end the conversation but I feel so bad for doing that.

    #113711
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    patricia12
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    • Total Posts: 2253

    @xicana17 Yes, you’re initiating too many texts and it seems so needy and desperate to do so. But I guess it’s okay if you just want to be friends. Next time ask him about a hangout..

    #113830
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    xicana17
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    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12
    Hi patricia,
    We’ve been texting almost every day. And I’ve initiated to hangout but doesn’t seem like he’s eager to. So I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’m guessing just wait for him to initiate? But I have thought more about it and as much as I enjoyed talking with him as friends I want to know if there’s a chance of us starting over. I want to ask him but I also don’t want to ruin what we have now. Any suggestions?
    I’ve been seeing my therapist but unfortunately she’s going to retire soon and I feel like I’ve only had small progress. The good thing is she’s going to find me a different therapist so I am happy about that.

    #113831
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    tanda
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 45

    On a decent day ask him “I would like to talk about us. Would you prefer to do so in person?”. If he doesn’t want to do it in person do it over a phone call or text.

    #113833
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    xicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Thank you @tanda I think I am going to do that! Not anytime soon but maybe in the next week or so.

    #113834
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    patricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2253

    @xicana17 Tanda had a good idea if you were trying to clear up feelings or negotiate a reconciliation, but he only offered friendship and you accepted, therefore, what more is there to talk about??

    You say you two text everyday, but I have a feeling you’re the one initiating most of them. And you’re the one who suggested hanging out and he agreed, but hasn’t suggested anything and doesn’t seem eager to hang out with you. Apparently he cares about you, but he’s not in love with you. Sorry, I don’t remember how long you were in a relationship with him??

    He didn’t contact you while you were doing no contact. But more recently, you’ve been chasing after him and in the past you’ve shown jealousy. He needs therapy for his depression, but you can’t force him to go.

    I wish you could find a well adjusted normal nice guy! It would be good for you. How is your online dating going?

    Glad your therapist is recommending another one..

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