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Palmtrees, let me get this straight, you only want to talk to him if he wants to work on things and form a relationship again, but he just wants to be friends? He seems a little eager to still be your friend after he just told you that your frustrations were an example why you guys couldn’t move forward.
Have fun on your date!
Exactly. It feels like a mind game. At the very least it’s selfish. I totally understand his reluctance and concerns and I’m not trying to force him into a relationship he’s not ready for. I wish he’d respect my requests in return, I can’t be his friend because it is disrupting my healing. Being firm with him and standing by my request has made me feel better and the second date went super well. I get fishing’s skepticism about dating while you still have feelings for someone else, but in my case I feel like it’s helping me take things slowly and not get over excited at this new prospect.
Amy,
It sounds like you’re getting to a much better headspace but are definitely experiencing ups AND downs. While its hard, you really seem to be turning a corner. Actually, we all do which is kind of cool that we are going through this at the same time.
Catherine,
I love that you have such good friends around you. Your ex sounds like a grass is greener kind of guy and you strike me as a loyal person that deserves more (bad people don’t typically have great friends). I’m sorry that you have to see him all the time. Even when I was in high school I went to an all girls school so I’ve never dealt with that, I don’t know how I’d fair.
Fishing,
You are right about the ability to let go. It’s difficult because there’s an element of, “will letting this person go bring them back” but you can’t think like that. Now that I’ve put myself in this position I’ve been trying to tell myself even if he came back I could not take him. It helps me to not think of his return as a positive thing, and diminishes my hope, which is good.
I am letting go with a conscious awareness that my ex might not come back to me. For example, I am not trying to use my letter as manipulative trick to bring her back.
The sense of letting go is taking back your life without false/unnecessary illusions.
Your case is different because your ex is still in touch with you and obviously he cares, in mine I am totally oblivious to whatever she’s going through and I refuse to ask her friends or check her social networks not to get hurt.
Like you though, I am not even sure I’d take my ex if she came back because I have a long road ahead before I can say I am changed for good and I do not wish to hurt her again.
I am sure that dating is helping you moving on quicker and I wish you good luck.Hey everyone!
So i have been reading your thread everyday for the past week, and I think you guys are all amazing. Seeing that I am not the only one going through this stuff is an amazing help, and it is comforting to hear all your opinions on different topics!
It is really clear how much you have all developed, how much stronger you all are and even a bit less emotionally detached you are. Clearly you all go through days where everything seems to have take 5 steps backwards, but from reading this thread over this past week I can say how much you have really all progressed.
Palmtrees,
I don’t think your ex is taking you seriously when you say you don’t want to just be friends, but he clearly doesn’t want to loose you out of his life, because you obviously did create a friendship as well as a relationship. however I am just wondering if you think it might be better to cut him out again. I think the ‘having his cake and eating it’ phrase was very true. I think you might have to be quite strict with him, and cut him out completely for a bit. Even if he does message, be strong enough not to reply?
I guess a bit about my situation:
So my boyfriend and I were together for two years. We became best friends and were literally one person.
Our first year together was a bit of a dream, we basically moved in together and just had the best time, still going out with friends and just him still being obsessed with me. (Which was great!)
The second year was a bit different he had to move away to work and we used to see each other only on the weekends. To be fair it worked really well, we would always be excited to see each other and it would be so fun being together again. However the year was hard, I went through something that no one should ever have to. But he was a great support, always on the other end of the phone if I needed him, and he was prepared to move back to me. However as time went on I became quite anxious and depressed from what had happened to me, which lead me to become super super reliant on him, (basically a clingy mess). After a few months I managed to fix this and took medication etc etc.
Everything because amazing again…
So now…: we have come back from an incredible holiday to Kenya, in which he was amazing, booking us surprise dinners on the beach, him being so touchy feely and so lovey, and had an amazing time. However about a week after we got back he said he had had enough. With no explanation. I did the whole crying begging while I was there. But I calmed down and we both lay there crying saying “a piece of my heart will always be with you” (and all that cringe stuff). And we left it really nicely. He then dropped me off at the station and I said ” I guess this is it for us then” and he replied “yes, for now”
FOR NOW??!?!?!?!?
Talk about mixed messages, anyway I left the car and have spoken to him since, I am now on 30 days of no contact, and although I feel I have been doing great, I’m not ready to talk to him because I am still so confused. So I am extending it to 45 days.I should probably add that I still have so much of his stuff, his iPad / clothes/ toiletries etc. And vise versa. However on his iPad, his text messages/photos / Instagram /whatsapp/Facebook were all linked to it.
So I have seen that he has spoken to so many girls (anyone who he has ever had a thing with) he is so active on tinder. And he has now deleted all of our pictures from Instagram (no where else) which I don’t understand either. I would never delete it because it’s part of my life and 2 year which I really enjoyed.I guess toward the end of when we were living apart he took me a bit for granted because it became routine. But I thought we had a lot more, which is why I’m surprised he has deleted pictures, and not text me at all. I haven’t even seen any pictures of our holiday (because he has them all).
To be fair to him he does have a lot going on with his family (he found out about 2 of his dad’s affairs and found out he had another sibling who is 19, and his mum doesn’t know about any of this)
This I guess lead him to be a bit depressive as he hates his job, and wouldn’t really get to see his friends, and it would all be my fault . But my worry is that he is quite a ‘sheep’ I feel like he is easily influenced by friends. And I think this could affect my chances of getting him back :/Any advice on any of this would be amazing. Im on day 38 of NC, and he hasn’t tried to contact me once, which is heart breaking, i thought i meant a bit more than that!
Oh my gosh sorcha, you can read all of his messages?! That seems like my absolute nightmare (although I’d be totally unable to resist the urge to check). The “for now” words pissed me off too, way to keep me on a string, buddy.
How far is the distance between you guys? You need to box up his stuff and ship it back to him. Or at the least box it up (iPod at the bottom) and hide it out of site. It sounds like you are really doing a good job of being strong but these connections to him would hold anyone back. I’m proud of you for making it through 30 days and even deciding to extend it– that kind of self care is exactly what you need to be doing. Give yourself some credit and a pat on the back because that’s incredibly hard.
I imagine you’ve got a lot of questions because it seems out of the blue given all he withstood, but try not to think about those. He might reveal his reasoning later on, he might not, but just keep up the good work moving forward.
You are right about my situation. I won’t respond anymore and I think my final message made things pretty clear. In the past I would have responded a lot more positively. I’m just not into the mind games. He even admitted we couldn’t really be friends and that he couldn’t stand being in the same room being unable to touch each other, but I am sooo uninterested in being kept on the back burner. I may not be over him but I’m definitely over that.
yeah i could read everything 🙁 it was heart breaking! he just messaged everyone he had ever had a thing with.
Ive got rid of most of it now, my promise ring is off (ironic, didnt keep that promise did he! haha) and photos are down, and ive given the ipad to my mum so i cant see anything. One step at a time kind of thing.
I would give it all back to him, but that makes it seem so final.Well we aren’t in long distance anymore. So i was at Uni before (with him on the first year) and then he graduated and moved to where I live in London (Massive coincidence because he is from the north of England) However I am on a placement year from uni now, so living at home in London for the next year, and he lives maybe 20 mins away. We were both so excited for this year, everything was going to be so much easier now we were back together in the same place 🙁
And thank you! that means a lot, it is hard to extend it to 45 days because I would love to talk to him, but i think i am scared of the reality of it, because throughout the whole time i’ve known him, ive never spoken to him and we aren’t together or getting together etc. So im in a bit of a denial. Also it is probably me being a bit stubborn because I feel like he should make the move first.
whats your opinion on 45 days NC do you think that or the 3 months? i just dont want to screw up my chances!Its strange how you can create a life with someone, have so many plans, and next day they are willing to cut you out completely and never talk to you again 🙁
And yes I get what you mean its hard to say enough is enough in your situation, but it really does screw with your head when people send you mixed messages. Whats your plan from here? x
Take as much time as you need. If you get to 45 days and don’t need feel ready, take more. fishing is on the right track with the letting go– I don’t think it’s a good idea to reach out while you’re emotionally invested in a certain outcome. It gets too frustrating when things don’t go that way and THAT is when you screw things up. You’ll be fine, reach out to us when you feel on the brink. It’ll all get easier with time.
Hey sorchaL46,
welcome 🙂 I am sorry to read about your situation. I think that your ex has been pondering a while before taking his decision. Since in general guys have troubles with how to tell they wanna break up with you or he’s over you, it’s possible they pick odd ways/moments to do it.
As Palmtrees22 said, extend the NC if you feel you are not ready yet to contact him but do not wait for longer than 3 months, because the chances for reconciliation get low, especially because your ex can actually decide to date one of those girls.
Keep strong and let us know how it is going.That is very true I don’t want to be expecting it to be fine when it might not be!
I don’t even know if he had been thinking it a long time. I wouldn’t make sense to me for him to be so amazing on holiday and not want to let go of me and being affectionate and generally amazing.
I think he is having a lot of trouble with his family like I mentioned and I am the cat that got kicked!How are you doing with the whole letting go thing fishing? X
It could be for any reason sorchaL46, we don’t know yet. Now I don’t know how your ex was around in general (affectionate, open, etc)but it could be that he was particularly amazing on the holiday because he thought these would be the last happy memories of you together? Of course I could be totally wrong.
About my letting go, well, I have been writing 5 full pages of everything that I believe was left unspoken between me and her. Would it be a mistake to send before I say goodbye? There is a lot of self blame admission in those, I don’t know if it would just irritate her more or at least placate a bit the resentment toward me. I am not trying to change her mind, I never mention about getting back together, I just wanted to cleanse myself from everything. How would you feel if your ex sent a similar message?
I don’t know your ex so let me ask you this– if she were irritated, would you still be glad you sent it?
I know you’ve put a lot of thought into this and it seems like it’s more for your healing than hers. (Which I think is positive) If this is true, send it so you can get the closure you need. I don’t think there’s any crime in honesty as long as you are not desperate or mean in the letter, it’s probably good. She may respect you for owning up to things, I certainly would.
No I don’t think that was it at all because on holiday he was still talking about the future and things we were going to do when we got home etc. I think he is just immature and has some growing up to do. He’s lost a good thing 🙁
And I think that is true what palmtree said, it depends whether you are going to be affected by her reaction. If you feel like you have to let her know and it is something you can’t keep bottled up anymore, then fair enough do it! But if it is something you could cope with her not knowing, then it might be worth not opening that can of worms?
Are you still kind of hoping that it will work between you both?SorchaL46, I know how you are feeling. My ex was actually showing me promise rings 2 days before he ended things. We even went on a double date the day before. It was all out of no where and I don’t understand it and neither do my friends lol. Guys can just be immature and how he ended things with you wasn’t very nice. My ex hasn’t talked to me since my break up either and it’s been 4 months and he has a girlfriend now. Like Palmtrees said he is like a grass is greener guy now that I realize it.
Just stay strong and don’t let the fact that he hasn’t contacted you bother you very much. He could be just waiting for you to message him first. But take all the time that you need before you decide to message him, it is very important to feel like you have gotten a lot better.
Hey Catherine, it is so harsh sometimes isn’t it! And to be honest I think I would be getting over it a lot quicker if I thought there was a genuine reason. And I could have seen it coming.
Are you going to contact your ex at some point, maybe even just to get some answers? Or are you still wanting to get back with him…?
sorchaL46, I contacted him towards the end of August to tell him happy birthday. He responded with “who is this” and I told him it was me. Soon after that he requested to follow me on Instagram and then he unrequested it lol. I’m pretty sure it was to show me he had a new girlfriend because his profile pic was of him and the new girl.
He has also blocked my friends and I on social media. I think he unblocked my friends I’m not sure, I try to not worry about it as I don’t want to really see anything that is happening. But there is a little hope in me that does wish we would get together again.
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