17 days NC

Hi everyone, sorry for the absence. Its been great to read up on everyones progress, support and great advice given!

I know im a little behind, but i want to mention just how true lins comments are in regards to our exes defence mechanism. I think u hit it sqaure on with how the dumper has a totally different mindset from the dumpee.

“We obsess and overthink things, and try to remember the good things, where as they are trying extra hard to keep us out of their minds completely, and to stop missing us. It’s a completely different mindset. So they’re probably doing a lot better at avoiding thoughts about us and dwelling on the past. However, when you meet up again, I bet his defences will come way down and he won’t find it so”

Your right lin, in my experience they are doing some form of no contact … for very different reasons then us, but still. And once contact is made, in most cases it effects them as much as us. No matter the reason for the break up, bad times u had, or how hard u try to avoid thinking about your ex. Even as the dumper the good memories dont go away, u miss them for something, and love or connection u had doesnt just disapear in the drop of a hat. That is something we need to remember, and not let our emotions and fears lead us….. To which i think we all have done a great job at controlling together.

in my case My ex has a pattern of seeing me after a month, after which i think she has come to the conclusion she has moved on. Each time (3-4) she seems in control at first, but by the end of the conversation she is noticibly different and emotional. Each time ive been myself and its been a very friendly happy convo any freinds would have with each other. We continue contact slowly for a bit (she has initiated and i have intiated), and she starts acting weird and seems to try and avoid seeing me in person again soon after. I take this as she is still struggling and confused with her decision and the feelings she has avoided come flowing back (im not sure why else, when she is so confident to see me to begin with?). But by not seeing or talking to me possibly gives her a false sense of confidence in her decision once again. I know my situation is a touch different from most …. but my point is the same. They may seem like they dont care, but i garauntee they still do.

Palmtrees22, how is everything going too quickly? do you mean physically? or that you’ve spoken to each other and said you wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend already?

Maybe say that you want to be able to support each other and start things off slowly , as you also think it is a good idea to work on yourselves with the support of earh other. Try going for coffees, days out…its a tricky situ though, as the temptation is to just be like LETS GET BACK TOGETHER AND IT WILL BE GREAT FOREVER AND EVER!!! (thats me unfortunately haha!)

Nooo its not embarrassing, its a tricky situation and i think any one of us would have jumped at the thought of them coming along to a party.

Well I wouldn’t worry – the reason he is talking less is because you said you wanted to go slow, and backed off – as did he. I wouldn’t feel anxious. Take it in your stride – this is the first step to getting him back 🙂 If you are constantly seeing him it will become too much too quickly for him and he may back out. I would suggest you keep going at this slow pace – don’t try and contact or invite him to group parties anymore. A coffee with you, a half day out with you somewhere e.t.c…but I wouldn’t suggest inviting him to a party, especially where alcohol is involved!

It sounds like your doing really great though 🙂 well done!!

Also, thank you for your support and for talking me off a ledge (figuratively speaking). How are you feeling

That’s so great that all of his family says good things about you, all the more reason to stay quiet on your end. If his sister or his mom bring you up he’s naturally going to wonder what you’ve been up to. It’s a struggle with your will power for sure but it will really pay off if you want to regain his interest

Palmtree – It all seems like a very good sign for the two of u, definitley a start. There is no rules or right answers for such a situation, keep asking for advice and follow your instincts. I did the same thing as amy with my ex, in the sense she wanted to get back to tegether and i never really talked things out with her and jumped right in …. and here i am again too. lol So the best advice i can give is go at your pace, communicate and keep being honest with him. im betting he has backed off some, only because that is what u asked and he is unsure exactly how to proceed….just as u are. Amy is totally right on doing coffees and mostly just one on one stuff to keep it light and fun. Good luck!!

Amy – I think him not having internet is a bonus for u too amy. By not seeing alot of stuff from his end definitly benefits u. It seems u still have highs and lows based on social media. Which is totally normal, im having moments right now. As it was my ex’s daughters last day with her yesterday and i just feel crushed about it for her ….. im finding myself doing things i had quit some time ago to check on her through social media (totally against my social media advice i know). Thankfully i gave most of it up at the break up. And I dont know why i keep doing it. As shes away for a couple weeks and theres nothing i can do for her right now or possibly ever. So really its just impeding my progress. Life was so much simpler before social media on so many levels. lol

Well Lin, it has been very emotionally taxing and hard, to say the least. I actually thought I was done with it all at the start of June when I questioned her behaviour, pointed out her patterns, and told her honestly what I have seen or think. Her responses made me come to the realization she wasn’t ready to work out her inner issues to solve her commitment phobias and had a lot of confusion going on inside her. This actually put me in a great place and truly had me moving on, to the point I was indifferent seeing her.
But Once she came and told me she started seeing a therapist shortly after that conversation(never said in relation to the convo direct though). And opening up about her daughter leaving and seeking my help and support in that matter, then and seemingly in the future. It opened up old feelings, and seemingly brought some hope back. Only for her to get weird and distant again a few weeks later after that conversation. With everything going on I didn’t think it was appropriate to point out the pattern again and just let her focus on her daughter. So Now I feel like I lost most of the progress I had made. And can’t stop worrying and thinking about her. I love her and want to help because of it. But At least I know there’s not much I can do, unless she asks(thanks to u folks). So It has been a rough few weeks because of it, that’s for sure. I appreciate everyone’s help and advice on here!