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Good question.
I think at the beginning I was pushing him for answers because I thought it would make a difference. I thought if I could understand then I could convince him to stay.
After a bit of distance I realise that no matter his reason, nothing I said in that moment would have made a difference. His mind was made up and in the immediate he knew he needed to be out of the situation. No matter how clearly I saw the situation, he would still leave. No amount of reasoning would help… at all.
I think when I’ve had more space I’d be ready for the answer. To be honest, I think usually if you get enough distance you can probably start working it out for yourself. Self healing in the time apart should have helped start mending the problems you had without realising it.
So yes and no…. depending on timing. haha. 🙂
That is a good question. i guess because its happened before, Im just very thoughtful about it all – especially as he didn’t tell me the proper reason last time. However after last time, I would have thought he would have told me this time. when we were breaking up it happened over 3 hours of me crying and he had made his mind up too :/ I guess I will never know – I think the whole ‘what if i hadn’t of looked up his surprise cake’ thing is getting to me – I doubt it is that, but you know the effects of over thinking!
Last time when we broke up as well, when we met up he told me straight away what the real reason was (which I think i mentioned in earlier posts!). Ah well, I guess I will see. I think the whole him saying that this would be best ‘in the long run’ also gets to me – a lot :'(
Ahh thank you! I will try that. AM just off to the gym actually – going to do some power walking and maybe a few ab workouts! hope you ae all having lovely wednesdays!
I appreciate you folks inquiring about my storey. I’ll try to keep it short as I can get a too detailed. Lol
I seen my ex for 4 months before we made it official as she has a 14 daughter. We dated for 6 months, with no issues. Things were really progressing on her end, and I was taking it slow. By the 6 month mark I had caught up to her. And we had our first disagreement, which was very minor. A few days later she called tried to get me to break up with her. I didn’t and we talked it out. Went on vacation for a week right after. And had an amazing time, seemed like we hit the next stage of our relationship. Got home and she shut down. Told me we had to break up. She said she didn’t know why,was confused, knew she wanted to be with me. But something was causing a lot of mental turmoil, and she had to trust her feelings. Even though she didn’t understand them.
We broke up nicely and I went into N/C. After 4 weeks she asked to come over. It went well and we did a little chit chatting in the next month and she asked to get back together. So we did, as I thought she figures some stuff out.
Well fast forward another 6 months. Again she was progressing ahead of me. I caught up to her and she told me she loved me and we were talking about living together. I formed a great relationship with her daughter and things were going really great. We then took a family holiday, was having a great time. But she initiated a fight between us, halfway thorough over nothing. She apologized in the morning repeatedly. We talked and then continued to have a great holiday. Got home and she shut down again and soon after broke up with me. She didn’t have any real reasoning. It is all so identical to the last time, right down to the conversation and timelines. though she said it was different this time. But had no real reason as to why.
A month of no contact and she reaches out to me. We had a decent visit and then she got weird, emotional, awkward and at times avoiding me. A month of this with very little contact. I confronted her, didn’t get any answers. So another month of no contact and thenshe wants to see me. A great visit and now back to her acting different again. And me doing no contact.My ex, did the same to her previous boyfriend in the same timeline and pattern. She has some history from a messy divorce and there’s some stuff going on with her right now that’s quit major. But that’s the basics of my story.
Kiya, what your brother said is so true. The only closure a person will get is from themselves. We can’t expect to get that after, if the initial reasoning didn’t kick start that process.
Lin90, I’m sorry to hear your ex is being so angry. I will admit i don’t know much of your story. But I wonder if he isn’t still projecting anger to keep making himself feel better. I had an ex who cheated on me. She got angry with me because of it for some reason. We had a normal relationship, I didn’t do anything bad to her. I’d say I was the victim not her. My point is anger is an emotion that is used to mask other emotions easily. He may just be projecting still, to not have to face the normal emotions of a break up or loss.
My story doesn’t have any real reasoning for our break up either. I know just how hard it is to let go and not dwell on what little details u think U know, Or blame yourself. But it doesn’t help anyone.
Sounds like a rollercoaster Soupy, and pretty exhausting. She sounds totally confused about what she wants. I think she does want you but she has far too many barriers up to be with you in an appropriate way. That’s clear from the fact she seems unable to communicate with you.
So this is the 3rd time doing NC? I hope she figures it out!
You’re right about anger. It’s a secondary emotion and there’s always something underneath it. My ex always portrays anger first. He rarely goes to what’s underneath it, because he doesn’t know how to deal with what’s there. Maybe one day he will.
I agree with lin91 it seems as though communication is key here. I hope she figures it out third time. Im finding second time hard so i don’t know how you are coping haha! (very well might I add). Its nice to hear it from a boys perspective too – Its a difficult situation:(
Anger is something I never came across with my ex. He wasn’t an angry person – very placid and calm, however didn’t speak his emotions or feelings – he was extremely immature, and I never actually found out what he actually liked about me because he was too scared to communicate with me and thought it was ‘silly’ 🙁 I kind of wish he did get angry as it would at least show he understood some emotion – but he didn’t get angry….its very strange 🙁
Decided to do the step machine for 3o minutes instead – my legs are jelly aha!
I know how you feel. I really don’t know the whole reason behind my break up. What my ex told me was he left me for another girl. But a few days later I talked to a close friend of ours and she told me that he said we had a very one sided relationship and he didn’t feel loved. He was lying about liking another girl but I just don’t understand why he avoided telling me the reason.
I see how it was one sided, I was very insecure about things and I always felt like there was going to be more time to fix that. But I guess you never take someone for granted. That’s what I have learned. Also communication is very important. If he were to tell me that he was close to breaking up with me if I didn’t fix it then I really would have tried so hard. The worst thing is he did this all over text. I still haven’t seen him since the last day we were together.
It’s weird how one day everything is perfect and the next it isn’t.
I agree with u guys that communication is key. So much can be avoided if one just communicates. I appreciate your comments. And think your spot on, from her history and our story. A lot of my problem is my ex had a nasty divorce that still effects her, even though it was 5 years ago. She has closed herself off from that time on from most new people. I was the exception, and I counterbalanced her quit well and she really opened up to me. I was her secound boyfriend since then and so far her pattern of commitment phobia is staggering in regards to the three times she has broke up with people (her ex and me 2)
I don’t hold out a lot of hope for us as she needs to make changes and I don’t think she is ready to heal her past hurts. Everything happened between us the same at our break up as the past two times for her(some word for word) and yet she said it was different. But She couldn’t tell me why. Being so closed off, Has her living in her head too much. She doesn’t talk to anyone about herself, it was just me. And that isn’t healthy, and if u don’t understand what is happening u come up with any idea and run with it to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. It kinda explains the confusion with her.
The worst part is her daughter is moving to her dads in another country in a few weeks. The last time she wanted to see me, she was very open and honest about this and how it made her feel and how hard it will be. To which I was surprised as I’m her ex and our last convo didn’t go so well. But I offered her help, to which she said she would call me more then once and was very appreciative. So I was happy to at least think I’d be there for her as I know her best and how she doesn’t deal with anything. Just bottles it up, So I know how this will devastate her. But then she continued the trend of being weird and short with me after in very limited contact. Complete opposite as our talk. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see her hurt, but It seems her seeing me creates confusion for her? And I want to help but don’t know if reaching out is a great idea? Do I just leave it be and let her contact me if she is going to?
I just feel so bad for her, and this has drawn me back into my old feelings I thought I worked past.
I think you just need to wait a longer period, and then contact her. I’m waiting 4/5 months to contact my ex, simply because he wanted longer than 3 months and I want him to know I respect his wishes. I think this is something she needs to sort out on her own for a few months and hopefully she will realise that she needs you!
I am seeing my ex’s sister either today or tomorrow – I’m a little nervous 🙁 But it might open my eyes to some answers – hopefully :S
I keep having dreams with my ex in too! Last nights one was horrible, it was him crying and me asking him what was wrong – woke up before he told me :/ its coming into my subconscious now!!!Amy is this the sister who sent the picture on snap chat? Or do I have the stories mixed up
And tell us how it goes:) you got this. Do you think you both will talk about your ex at all?
Soupy – it sounds like you are really important to her still. Ultimately I think there is nothing you can do right now except give her time. I don’t think reaching out is a good idea right now, because it will probably confuse her further. She will definitely contact you when she’s ready.
Amy – good luck with meeting his sister! I imagine you were (and still are) good friends? I’d be careful with mentioning your ex though, because you can be sure that she will repeat whatever you say, no matter how good her intentions are! Make sure you act happy and talk about all the great things you have going on! If he comes up, just say you hope he’s well and it sounds like he’s having a good time.
Yes, it’s the sister that sent the dnapchats to me…which I guess is why I’m a little nervous! She said she doesn’t want to get inbetween either of us as she loves both of us. We are extremely close-she has had an eating disorder that I have actually been her support for during the past 3 years-she relates to me as one of her best friends 🙂 will just see what happens.
How long did it take you guys to stop blaming yourselves and feeling guilty? The feeling of worry that I did something or that h thought I did something is consuming me completely and I don’t know how to stop it 🙁
I guess I still do a bit. It’s not so much that I’ve let go of the guilt; it’s just that I’ve accepted where I did things wrong in my relationship. With that though comes the realisation that he did things wrong too. I think a combination of acceptance and seeing a new perspective of your ex really helps alleviate some of your guilt because you realise that nobody is perfect.
Everybody makes mistakes. We know that because we’re here. But we have to remember that our ex is just as much to blame for the end of our relationships as we were. It’s easy to blame yourself when they give you reasons to, or perhaps when they don’t so your imagination runs wild. But that doesn’t mean that you should take it all on yourself.
Every day I go through ups and downs of this. Sometimes I feel the guilt and the “what ifs” and feel like if I had another chance I’d act differently. I know I pushed my e away because I had difficulty communicating what I found upsetting, frustrating or lacking in our relationship. This would look like distance from the outside, but ultimately it was just because of my fear of conflict. I’m working through that at therapy and it’s already helping me realise that it wasn’t my fault.
But the reality is you cannot change someone else. Things would likely have ended anyway not matter what you did because people are so hard to predict. If they see you as someone without all the problems of before then a new relationship will probably work. Blame is such an immediate reaction too. Even if he thinks now that you did something, he probably won’t think the same in a few weeks.
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