talk with him or not

[kellyn]

Hi Kevin, so here’s my situation.

I dated a guy for four months, and I felt so safe, secure, and comfortable when i was with him and I never feel like that before with other guys. The reasons i broke up with him because i am such an ambitious girl, and i have conflicts in myself. I want a guy that he can support me in my career, and likes to be sociable. However, he likes to stay home the most of time, and he doesn’t seem like want to build his career to the next level, also he smokes. But the most important part of the breaking up was we had the silence between us. We dated for four months, but on and off once, and second time i finally broke up with him. There are 4 months since we broke up, he blocked me on FB, and we stopped all the contacts. I was so sad for two months, but later that i feel happy. I thought i did a right choice, and i started meeting new guys. However, what they did just remind me of him, and i can’t even focus on those guys. I think i really fall in love with him. So now all the emotions just come back to me and i want to meet him so badly , it doesn’t really mean i want him back, i just want to see how he feels. If his feeling is the same as mine which we still have a feeling to each other, i really want to have this relationship.

Again i still have the conflict in myself, one is i love to be with him, but another one is i scare of what will happen (the silence, the negative thinking..). And the broke up things r all my fault, he is really nice to me, just i was thinking too much. So what do u think? Is it worth to take a risk which is contacting him?

Kellyn

[Pedro]

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear about what happen to you. By no means I’m expert but my story relate with you so maybe i can help you. I dated a girl for almost a year on and off, she had a boyfriend when I meet her but I liked her from the first time we meet and she knew it. Slowly her relationship with other guy fade away and we started hanging out more and started dating but we recently broke up because of the same exact issues. She broke up with me because she thought I never opened up to her and for the most part I didn’t. My problem was I when I found out about the issues she was far from done with me and also I always thought we both loved each other things will work out.I really loved her, I still do and still trying to win her over but we don’t talk like we use to anymore. she even started ignoring me and it hurts so bad.

Regarding your relationship have you ever confront the guy about the issue and you said he smokes have you ever tell him that it bothers you, I smoke too but in the beginning I never did in front of her and somehow she found out and told me that she’s fine with me smoking but will relay like me to stop and I slowed down a lot. Like 2-3 cigarettes a day. If you really love him I will suggest you to tell him about the issues and keep in touch to see if he changes and try to start a fresh relationship with him but if he still acts the same way then you know he’s not the one. I’m sorry but if he can’t change and open up to you and acts like he care then you’ve to move on.

Good Luck

[kellyn]

Well, as you write there, i can see some common issues here. Lol. Yes, i told him lots of time that smoking isn’t good for him. He said that he was smoking more in the past, but he cut it down like 2-3 cigarettes per day.

I think many women want their man share ideas, talk to them, and spend time do things together. So i don’t understand why many men don’t open up and share what they think. That will make things be so much easier!

So can i just ask you a question? Why didn’t you open up to her when you were with her? Maybe your answer will help me understand more about him.

[Pedro]

@kellyn

Yeah i was surprised when i was reading your post. As a smoker one thing i can tell you is its hard to quit that stupid thing, its not impossible but its really hard so if he slowed down on cigarettes then its a good sign.

You’re absolutely right, everyone wants the same. you get in the relationship so you can share everything with another person. My problem wasn’t of not sharing the ideas or spending time with her and doing things together. I loved being with her spending time and creating memories i loved every second of it.

My problem is more of hiding the issues i had with her or the things i didn’t like that she did. I always thought why pile issues, I always use to take it to myself and not say it right away and the reason i did that was we all have a tendency to say something we didn’t want to when we are mad. I always use to wait till i cool down and by the time i cool down my brain will be like its already in the past why bring up again and thats where i messed up. I should’ve been more mature and handle it right when it happen, she even told me tell her everything even if its something she wont like it. Should’ve been upfront and wish i was. Now all i can do is hope she sees that I’ve changed and wanted to work it out again if not then its a valuable lesson in life for me.

I dont know if that help you or not, if i were in a situation if that person didn’t cheat on you or hurt you then i will talk to him and not bring up the past issues right away but after a week or so not all at once but slowly just build up and bring about the pervious issues just make him realize what was the reason for break up and see how he reacts and if he acts positively in a way that he’s willing to change his bad habit then start having more conversation with him not all the time but at least talk to him everyday. Don’t jump right into the relationship again but take it day by day, see how he changes and see if he still does have the same thing that bothered you. If he does then he don’t deserve you but if he does start to change then slowly build your relationship again.

Good Luck

[Pedro]

@kellyn

Since we both have a same situation how do you think i should approach, what will you like him to do so you might think about trying to work out again. We are about to graduate college this coming December and i am worried that it will be the end of it. we rarely talk nowadays, nothing happened she just stop texting me. I haven’t text her first because couple of times when i did she acted like she didn’t want me too. Recently we were getting alone fine and all of a sudden this past couple of days i haven’t even talk to her.

[kellyn]

I think u should analyse her first because there are many types of women. If she broke up with you because of the bad habit, show your changing. If it was communication, try to spend time with her more. She acts like she doesn’t want you to text her, i think that is not true. If she likes you before, I can say that 65% she wants you to text her (or call, sometimes call is better text), in case she already meet someone, and has no feelings about you, then she ready doesn’t want it.

You know what i love he did to me, he sent ‘good morning’ to me everyday. And I mean it, everyday, almost exactly a same time. That’s a little tip i give to you.

[kellyn]

Since you and she go to college together, my case is different which is we met on a dating site. We had pretty good time together.

I don’t think he cheat on me, but he did a little thing that i don’t like which is he just keep adding some girls on fb. I know it because fb shows ‘people you may know’ in my page, and they are friends to my fb friends, how he knows them. That’s weird right? I didn’t tell him i know btw.

Yah, so from that, the smoking habit, the silence between us, and the career, i decided to break up with him at the second time. It had been 4 months we dated on and off and 4 months after breaking up. I feel really ok, but sometimes i feel like the feeling he gave to me, so far i don’t feel it from other people. So as a guy perspective, what do you think?

[Pedro]

well she texted me today and we had a decent conversation she asked me if i was still sad and mad i told her yes i am sad about the situation it hurts but its a learning process. its a learning process for me to improve my myself and i will and regarding mad i told her I’m not mad with her but i am mad with myself for not realizing the situation and the issues. she said she was sorry and came back and asked me oh do you think i made a mistake I’m like how can i answer that i didn’t told her but yes i feel like she made a mistake and took the decision too early but oh well i can’t say that.

let me try to give my perspective and see if that can help you. Regarding adding people on Facebook thats your trust, how much do you trust him. Do you think he’s randomly looking for girls adding them and talking to them. My ex whenever i added someone especially girls she use to ask me who she was and i use to tell her i never minded. I felt like she care about me and wanna know what i have been doing. She use to ask me in such a way that i never thought she asked me because she didn’t trust me. So when you were together you should’ve ask him there is nothing wrong about asking who and why he was adding someone.

I think its normal that you’re looking for him in someone else and sorry but you’re never going to find that, i dated well not dated but start talking with few girls after the break up and i never felt the same. Nowadays its wired but i don’t even feel like being in a relationship with anyone else beside with her but at the same time if she don’t want it then hell with it I’m just gonna enjoy life.

kellyn if you really like that guy and think maybe he changed and maybe he wont do things that bother you then i will advise you to contact him, don’t jump into any conclusion just start everything new but make him realize that you were hurt by his actions and let him know about stuff that bothered you. Its great that you’re career oriented and you want someone who is same. Life is about taking care of the responsibilities and being mature and if he doesn’t show any sign of it then its better for you to leave him rather than keep on getting hurt. Whats the point of being together again if you can’t see yourself with him down the road.

[Pedro]

what would you suggest me to do, we only talk whenever she wants to talk. Whenever she wanna meet we meet and when i ask her she will simply say no and tell me maybe another time. I am sure that she don’t have anyone or dating anyone but she always acts in a such a way nowadays. if she wanna know something she will keep on asking and once she gets the answer she will ignore me. I never ignore her and i don’t wanna ignore her not because i can’t i simply don’t because its rude and i know how much it hurts when people ignore you. I wanna work things out with her but she gives me an impression that sometime she does too and most of the time she don’t so i really don’t know what to do. I wish there was a way to know what she feels and what she wants. She will ask me for a space and when i give her a space she will approach me and try to be close again and know all about whats going on with my life and then gone again for other few days, why do girls do those things. I mean i get it some guys are asshole but that don’t mean all of us are and also don’t meant that guys like us have any kind of feelings. Why its so hard, when i show her my feelings its being needy and when i don’t its means i am hiding something i mean like what are we suppose to do 🙁

[kellyn]

Hi, I am texting him now, and he still texts me back. That’s a good sign. I plan to set a meeting to let us talk about what we like and don’t like. I feel like he kinda not really open up tho, (he is the person not really into go anywhere much) but i still keep the positive thinking, let’s see what happens. 🙂

[Pedro]

Yay but don’t bring it all up, just have a casual conversation for the first time maybe after meeting him couple of times if you think time is right then bring it up. y’all haven’t talk for a while or meet each other for a while so i will suggest you to actually go enjoy the night with him don’t have too much expectation just enjoy the time and if you guys did end up having the conversation about the past try to be open to listen to him and don’t blame everything that happen to him.

All the best.
Good Luck.

[kellyn]

Thank you for the advice, Pedro! It helps a lot. Yah, we texted yesterday, and today he texted back like ‘hey, how your night going’, so i think it is all good so far. So how about your side?

[Pedro]

Hey that’s good I’m happy for you and I’m glad that I was helpful.

Mine is wired she’s hot and cold. We talked little bit on Thursday and on Friday and Saturday I tried to start conversation and she didn’t wanted her text was one word response and that’s it. I didnt text her all day Saturday(I texted her good morning and she sound annoyed so I didn’t say anything after that ) and Sunday I dint text her and wasn’t going too but around 9ishpm she texted me saying she’s sad. I asked her coupe of times why what’s wrong and she won’t give me an answer beside saying “just general” I tried to cheer her up and told her I am here for her and all that(I don’t know if I should) and we ended the conversation in a good notes so idk how she will act tomorrow again. So yeah it’s wired. Hey so when she was sad I tried to help her does that make me needy and easily available for her I know people over here say like no you gotta act mature and be strong and never do that but I wanted to know the girls perspective of it. Do you think it will actually help my situation or will it worsen it ?

[kellyn]

Nooo, i think you did right. I don’t think it shows needed or easily available tho. I had exactly same situation before. That day i was emotional, and thought about how relationship goes. I let him know through texting (i think calling is the better way), and i thought that he doesn’t care much, but he still tried to ask what happened likes u did. Sooooo, don’t need too worry about that. Girls sometimes get emotional, if u notice that and be with her, u should be fine. (‘oh he listens to me’that is just what i remember)

[kellyn]

The texting thing, i think that is one of the reasons i broke up with him. Do you feel like lack of connection while texting or not? i do. Even we texted everyday, but the time we wait for responds just does some effect in brain, that is what i noticed. I feel something weird, and it isn’t supposed to happen like that.

It has been 4 days we text back together. I texted him on Saturday, Sunday he texted me first and stay good luck on my exam. Monday we didn’t talk because i was super busy. Today Tuesday we didn’t make it for a coffee that Saturday i asked him. (i think basically, u know what i mean)

Now i am kinda nervous, and worry just a bit. First because i don’t know how he is feeling now. Second, is he really busy or just doesn’t want to go out with me? (again he is not a go out person type, i am). I want he goes with me for a college party, that is good for him and also for us, we will have more things to talk. I think it is really good opportunity. So what do u guess about his feelings and also should i ask him to go for the party?

[Author]

Posts