My personal experience. NC Attempt

[FishingTheSky]

Day 2 of my second No Contact attempt.
Let me tell you quickly about my story.
My ex and I have been together for almost 5 years. Our story hasn’t been the easiest, because we have had horrible experiences with previous relationships (psychological abuse and in her case physical too) which scarred both of us inside. Our trust level toward other people was really low but since we have met and been together it has started to increase again, thinking we finally have found the right person to trust and rely on.

Despite the age difference, (I am 9 years older than she is) the relationship has been simply perfect for a long time, we have supported each others, we believed we were just meant for each others and we would have stayed together no matter how hard life would have tested us. Yes it sounds extremely romantic but you could say everybody we know would agree with that.

In the distance though, problems have started to arise, mostly because my psychological issues began to show. First, I did not realize I had them, and she did not imagine either. My behavior has lead me to make many mistakes along the way and even if she has been understanding and has faith in me that I would have changed, all this affected the stability of our relationship until she couldn’t go on anymore.

She has left me and taken me back already two times before this last break-up. The first time, she just moved to another country to study and she wasn’t sure about the long distance, also she wanted to have new experiences she said. After almost 2 months, she came back to me but during the break-up she had a fling with a guy, which obviously didn’t work. She said he was not me.

When she left me, I was devastated but I told myself to respect her decision and move on, I started to improve my appearance by going to the gym and this made me gain so much more confidence in myself because I was accomplishing a goal I had always wanted to reach.

We got back together again and everything seemed to be fine until last August. We were fighting a lot, again, mostly I am more to blame because my psychological issues got worse and pretty clear and I ended up hurting her and hurting her more.
After two months of uncertainty and struggling, she opted to dump me in October. She was resolute she was absolutely done with me and did not want to see me again, stopping any source of communication too, she was extremely angry and resentful.

I did beg for a few to take me back and all, but didn’t work. She just ignored me and continued her life. The following month I discovered she was with another guy again, a friend she had mentioned before.
I was heartbroken and I gave up, didn’t try to contact her. I was a mess in that period, I got myself in dangerous situations until I shook myself and decided it was time to stop and take control of my life.

I started to see a therapist and did some volunteer work at the shelter, I was gradually feeling better and wanted to face and fix my issues and improve.
I was ready to accept she would not come back and let her go, in fact on our anniversary date I sent her a handwritten note, thanking her for the memories, that was my goodbye.

Surprisingly she replied after two months of complete silence, she said she would have liked to see me again if I was going to visit her. So we started to talk again, she did notice my improvements and was very optimistic about our future.

Our relationship settled back and we were happy to be together. Months passed quickly and she graduated from university, which meant she had to come back home.
She did and was really stressed about finding a job quickly to repay the university loan as soon as she could, and she wanted a good position, she’s very ambitious.
Unfortunately I did not recover yet completely from my issues, I warned her that it would take time for me to be ok and she had to be patient, it’s a long process.

On June I left my workplace and found another one immediately. She found hers too, she was relieved. But then she started to have these swinging moods, telling me she was tired of my behavior and she needed to see more efforts from my part, more improvements, accusing me I couldn’t keep up her pace. She decided to take a break, she wanted her space.

My birthday was on July and we were still on break, I was expecting her at least to send me wishes. I waited big part of the day, while I was outta town at the beach to celebrate with my friends, but she didn’t write. So I got mad and texted her asking if she remembered what day was, she answered yes and said happy birthday. I replied more, questioning if she was going to forget and she said with she was not. Then no more texts for the day.

She kept her distance through all July, repeating she needed to clear her mind out, she needed peace and time to concentrate on herself. The rare occasions we had exchanged, her tone switched from normal to angry from one to the next one. Totally unstable. And she changed her mind all the mind: she wants me to take charge and show her proof I have changed, saying she will wait, then she says she is clearing her mind and wanna be left alone, no relationship with other guys either, the next week she seems utterly pissed and bitter, giving me caustic remarks, bringing up all the mistakes I had made, saying she is finding her stability. Did I mention she ignored me all the time and she talked only after I sorta pressured her? I know it was wrong but I was very confused of what she wanted.

I asked her if we could meet and discuss about this face to face, whatever we decided, I would have accepted but I really wanted her to show her I’m doing better and better.
Then she admitted she’s seeing someone (duh?)but it’s not official, he’s a colleague, they had hung out for a few weeks. Chronologically speaking, the date doesn’t sound right, the time before she said she wasn’t dating anyone! I asked her if she likes him, she said he treats her well and that’s what matters. I was ??? but did not say.

This news really let me down. I suspected she was probably hanging with another guy, because every time she had left me, she found someone new, she is a needy person and she needs to have a partner. I don’t know if she is into this guy, time will tell if it’s serious or just a rebound. It hurts either way.

Friday 5th, I totally lost it. I was frustrated at work, plus I had my mind occupied by her words, I just wanted to cave in and part from her for good. So I asked her (begged) if we could meet and say goodbye, even a call from her live voice would be fine, I was desperate for the pain to stop. She was mean and cruel, ignoring or telling she had to time. I became ridiculous with my persistence, she asked me to stop and end the relationship with dignity. That’s what I wanted! To end it in a civil way, I needed her to grant me closure but she was purposely indulging, enjoying my suffering.

Then, it happened. I went ballistic and sent her a harsh text: “Why aren’t you seeing him tonight?Oh you are f*****g him tomorrow, k.”. I know it was immature and insensitive, but hey I was not lucid. I apologized, I tried to call but she wiped me off instantly, blocking me on every account. Of course nothing worked and the situation hasn’t changed.

I am on NC now and I am determined to go all the way. Her birthday is coming in two weeks, I don’t know what to do. Should I send a note or not? I am leaving her alone, I am cooling myself down as well. I still have some hope we can work it out.
She wants to erase me and move on with her life, is this for good I wonder.
If I see no signals of reconciliation in two months, I am going to close this chapter.
I just want her to be happy, if she’s happy like this, I will put myself aside.
I will always love her.

[Mister Handy]

Hi FishingTheSky how are you?

Sorry for my english,

Your story is very similar to mine in the issue of abusive relationships that our ex and had and about our relationship problems.

You had a long history together from what I read. I know that five years of love are not forgotten so easily and as much as she tries, will not be able to forget you so easily. But one thing I learned is that with many fights, arguments the love is gone every day more and more.

My ex said that our love go away with my cold behavior and without attention, maybe your behavior did not help much even after so many attempts. Your ex gave you two chances to prove that you would really want to change and even you have striven she did not see it clearly.

I feel she is very confused saying in a week would you like to see your change and another and very angry. What about the attitude you’ve had recently, I think it did not help very much, the first few times you broke up, you did everything so right 🙁

My honest opinion is that you should make even the NC remembering that if you are sending the happy birthday message, the first day will be after you have sent the message.

Do not beg more to her, do not insist to get the relationship back and try this period strive to think how your life will be going forward with or without her.

Work on your personal problems, go out with friends, meet new people and become confident and prepared for whatever the future will bring to you.

Be strong and good luck.

[FishingTheSky]

Hey Mister Handy,
Thanks for your support, it’s comforting to share and exchange personal experiences with other people in here.

Well, today I am rather zombish, I took a leave in sick from work because last night I invited a friend over my place and we ended up drinking and talking till early morning, couldn’t go to the office in that state.
I am sorta ok I guess, have my moments where I find myself completely absorbed with thinking about her and others where I manage to prevent that.
On Friday it will be one week since she’s left me and fortunately I am going outta out with my friends this weekend.

Yes Mister Handy, fighting and trying to fix issues ruin the relationship, and I do believe she has grown tired, the love is surely still there but faded.
Regarding my behavior now, yes I admit I shouldn’t have sent that text and I should have been more patient with her decision to have her space, but in my heart I was fearing that she would see someone else soon, knowing her need of attention. In fact it happened.
I have been the opposite of you in the relationship Mister Hardy, always been very affectionate and present but this hasn’t been enough to solve my issues.
I don’t know if I wanna send her a note for her birthday, I frankly think she wouldn’t care.

All I wanted from her is to tell me goodbye, but for some reason, even if her intention was to end this relationship, she never openly said the words.

I can live without her, I can be happy but not as much as I would with her by my side. After 5 years you have the picture if you can spend the rest of your life with this person. So I am trying to regain my composure and not dwell in my pain.
I could date other girls, I already know a few who would hang out with me in a second, I just am not the type, I can’t really be into it.
We will see how it goes.
Be strong too my friend, we can still hope if we stay realistic.

[Mister Handy]

Hey FishingTheSky

Cool that you spent some time with his friend 🙂

But you should go to work the next day hehehe

It’s been a month that I have been reading stories here … And I see that in many of the stories, we think that all the blame is ours. You have no idea how I blamed mYself when my ex broke up with me 🙁

But after a few days, you start to analyze what we had mistakes, but often had errors on her side too. Today for example I can see how my ex fled the problems and did not say to me, so I was not sure how I was missing until it burst.

I also feel I can not live without my ex, we were one and a half together and never loved a person so much as her … But I think that if she had the courage to broke up with me, is because the dating was not cool for her 🙁 And only my love, will not make things happen know? so it’s not the time to beg, be angry, be jealousy etc.

The time that I should have made vows of love has gone, now what I want to regain her in a way that is not begging. I started going to a therapist and I started really thinking of different ways, try to act differently and be the best I can be.

I am on day 17 of the NC and think I’ll wait 30 to send an email, maybe this is my last effort to have her back now. If this fails, I will go on another period of NC…

A week ago you started the NC right? Do no contact and you will start to get better and think more rationally.

We need to be strong as they are being or trying to be.

And we can only give up , when there is nothing else to do

[FishingTheSky]

Hey again Mister Handy,
Yes tomorrow I am definitely going to work, believe me I wanna avoid being at home, it’s just worse, all I wanna do is to keep myself busy and sometimes it’s not enough to stop thinking about her.

I am pretty aware that I have made more mistakes in the relationship than she has, I am not gonna deny about it and yes I do blame myself. But I just need to change my behaviors for good.
I am seeing a therapist as well, I have begun gone since last time she had dumped me. It has helped me a lot but you know it can take long time to fix your issues, not just a few months. I am willing to work on myself more, I am not going to surrender.

There is a life without your ex Mister Handy, there was before she came into your life and there will be when or if she will be gone. You just can’t see it now because you are emotionally involved, and I am too, but the truth is that we can survive no matter what. It just takes time.

Yes continue your no contact, anyway I think it’s important to have an approximate deadline where you just decide to accept whatever the situation is.
My absolute deadline is around 19th September. If she doesn’t contact me within this date, I will move on. Doesn’t mean that deep inside I will stop hoping, but I won’t wait for her to come back anymore.

My no contact period has started on Monday, she dumped me last week on Friday. I am not sending her texts, calling her etc don’t worry, I know. I do want to check but I refrain myself, it does require lot of self discipline but it’s necessary for mental sanity, especially now that she is dating another guy.

I agree we need to be strong like they are. They are trying for different reasons probably but still struggling.

Cheer up bro

[Mister Handy]

Hey FishingTheSky

You said something very important, there was life before my ex and there will be one after this end of dating.

The last e-mail that Kevin tells us exactly talks about how will be the opera of your life going forward. How will the new season of your life? For some reason our ex girlfriend wanted to take our character from the opera of her life.

I also put a maximum time to see if we can at least begin to talk more. I thought something near to three months at most, that is, now after these days 30 days I will send an email her … September is my deadline too.

And Kevin ends by saying:

And remember, no the matter what happens, you still get to write and direct
the next chapter of your life, even if your ex is not in it.
 
You can make the next season of your life’s soap opera a happy cheerful one,
or the sad depressing one. Your call.

keep us updated

[FishingTheSky]

Hey Mister Handy,
I haven’t gotten that ahead yet in the e-mail program, but I can imagine what sorta advice he tells us at the end of our no contact period.

It really depends on us what we wanna do with our life. If she comes back, don’t let her decide for both of you if you wanna restart the relationship, because you might have changed your mind about the whole thing. I realize that this time it is not going to be easy like before to get back together, because I want to be sure first we are on the same page. I am tired of hurting.

I had an encounter this morning with a nice girl at work, it was pretty awkward because we found ourselves staring in each others eyes for a minute without saying a word. She’s got a boyfriend though and I frankly don’t think it’s a good idea for me dating now.

How are you doing instead man?

[Mister Handy]

This is the Idea FishingTheSky. Start to look to the side and see that we have many opportunities in this world.

I’m talking to some girls and I met with one last friday. But it’s hard not to compare with our ex 🙁

I don’t know if my ex is doing the same, but I do not doubt anything, so I will start go on with my life again.

The truth is that as time goes on, we started to really accept the end of dating and started thinking about how it will be our future with or without our ex.

I still cry sometimes but less than at the beginning.

It’s like having a death in the family, the more time passes, decreases pain, increases the longing …

[FishingTheSky]

Hey Mister Handy,
It’s day 5 of no contact but today I feel down. As I have told you, a week ago my ex decided to wipe me off her life. I am trying not to think about it but today my mind always goes there. And I am trying to quit picturing my ex with this guy, while she has the best time of her life, “celebrating” the anniversary of our break-up.
I know I shouldn’t do that, it’s masochistic, but this is why the no contact period can be really hard, it just lets your imagination run wild without having any confirmation that what we imagine is true.
Later I am driving outta town with my friends for the weekend, hoping I will distract, even if it’s temporary.

Yes Mister Handy, I tend to compare too when I see and talk to other girls, I realize they are not like my ex, that’s why I don’t date.
I am sure that my ex is comparing me with the new guy as well, and every thing seems perfect of him in her eyes. Just because it’s not me.

I stopped crying for my ex, I think I’ve used up all the tears I had in my eyes.
Mister Handy, it’s good to be realistic and accept that our exes won’t come back to us anymore, but try to keep that little hope up. Because I still believe in love, we need to believe in it.

[lostintranslation]

I think that your ex wasn’t sure of herself while she was with you. You met her while she was at school, while she was figuring things out for herself. She wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship even though she thought she was serious with you. If she was, she wouldn’t be breaking up with you AND seeing another guy while she was in another city in the first time you guys broke up. True love knows no bounds. If she really wanted to be with you, she would do whatever it takes to be with you.

After you guys got back together, things were rocky at times, which was okay, but isn’t it already a problem that she was seeing other people when she hasn’t gotten herself figured out? And if she got herself figured out, then why she keeps going on and off with you throughout the 5 years?

Okay, so now you and her are broken up. but I think this is a long overdue situation. She’s saying that you are now catching up to her, a clear indication that she finally figured herself out and she thinks she doesn’t want you to be a part of it, indicating from her lack of response from your birthday during no contact, and also the fact that she finished her education and but she’s not dating you but someone else. Clearly, she’s moving on to a different chapter in her life and you were only a distant past.

To be fair, I think on your part, though it’s totally natural for someone to feel like contacting their ex and questioning them and trying to gain closure and have a clear message from their ex about breaking up, it scares them away from confronting you because they did care for you at one point, they did have feelings and connections with you, it’s hard to ask someone to face their ex and tell them the truth, especially when their ex was so eager to know the truth. Which is why NC is good for you.

Whether the new guy is someone you should care…..the answer is no. What you should consider is the fact that your ex is human, she makes mistakes, and it’s her mistake and her responsibility, at the same time, why she went out with another person probably has something to do with the fact that he makes her happy, no matter if it’s temporarily or in the long run. And I think you should think about that. If you truly love her, think about what would truly make her happy. If setting her free and setting you free would make the both of you happy in the long run, then I think it’s better than constant bickering and bitterness and not moving on.

[FishingTheSky]

Hey lostintranslation,
I am gonna try to explain in more details, because what you say it does make sense but it’s not exactly like that.

My ex and I come from different countries and we got to know each others in another one where both of us weren’t born. She left to study abroad in Europe and graduated in college there; then went back to her native country because she couldn’t stay anymore there due to the visa expiration.
The first time she broke up with me it was because everything was new to her in Europe and she wasn’t sure she would have stood the distance between us even if it was temporary. I could actually understand, she was on her own for the first time, alone, ready for new experiences, plus she was pretty young.

The following break-up’s were mostly my fault, as I have mentioned, I have some psychological issues that I am trying to fix for good, and these issues have severely affected my behaviors towards her, I made mistakes. She’s always done her part in the relationship, been supporting, caring, loving and patient, other girls would have just given up before I guess. Eventually she’s grown weaker and tired of difficulties but I have really made significant changes in myself that I want her to see.
She’s always been serious with her intentions as I have been.
I don’t know if this guy makes her happy, the other two she tried to date for a brief time did not in the end. It’s just that I am still far away and our plans to finally settle down in one place weren’t certain. I was ready to move where she is, but now it’s not relevant anymore I guess..

I was supposed to visit her at the end of the month and talked about what we wanted to do with our relationship, but she just got mad because of an idiocy I said and stopped any communication.
I am finishing my no contact period but I accept if she decides to come back or not. If she does, I am going to take it slowly and discuss our future, if there is still any at all.

[patricia12]

Hi FishingTheSky, What were your behavior issues that caused her to break up with you?? Was it the same issue repeating over and over that caused so many break ups? Glad you’re seeing a therapist and hope it will help you greatly. Your begging for a meeting, her refusing, and then the harsh text you sent back, reinforced her decision to break up was the right thing to do. Maybe don’t send a birthday note because she is very furious with you and the note will remind her of bad stuff and it will take a lot longer for her to cool off. Being in different countries makes everything more difficult too. I guess you won’t be traveling to see her now, but hope you can continue no contact and see what happens afterward..
Today is day 7 ?

[FishingTheSky]

Hey everyone,
Today it’s probably the weakest one I’ve had in a while. This morning when I woke up I burst into tears. It passed after a while but just an hour ago at work, when I checked my phone, I accidentally tapped on my recent history calls list, and saw my ex picture. Suddenly I had a sort of panic attack, I did feel my heart being squeezed tightly until I was breathless. It was horrible. Fortunately I was in my office and my colleagues couldn’t see, I prefer not to be caught like this.

It’s day 9 of no contact and it’s a continuous roller coaster of emotions. Talking about it with my therapist it helps, he tells me it’s perfectly normal to feel this way now and I do need time to recompose the pieces of myself.

Patricia12, I have paranoid personality disorder symptoms, which consist in distrusting people (partners in my case) and their intentions. It all started at the end of my previous relationship, caused by repeated psychological abuse I had received by this person.
When I met my ex, I thought I finally could trust someone again and I did, but I still gave her hard time. So yes, we broke up for the same issues but I have really made progresses since I’ve started my therapy.

I didn’t beg for a meeting at all, I just suggested to talk face to face and eventually end this relationship in a civil way if there was no chance to work it out. She was fine with the idea at the beginning, then she wasn’t so convinced anymore, she kept changing her mind as much as she changed her mood when we talked.
Yes my text was harsh and inappropriate but I wasn’t thinking clearly that day; I apologized for it.

I know she is hurt and mad, she will stay like this for some time. I would do anything to let her see I am changing at least. But she made her decision, she chose to dump me and hook up with another guy. I respect her and her decisions, but I still have a feeling we can have a chance, because the love is there.

No it wouldn’t make sense to visit her now, she doesn’t want to see me, she wouldn’t be interested in meeting me.
I think I will send her a note for her birthday instead, for the peace of my mind. I know I would regret it if I didn’t send it. I am prepared not to receive replies but I’d gladly be content to be surprised.

I really hope it’s going to turn alright, because she is truly the love of my life and I don’t wanna give up my dream yet. But her happiness and well being are important to me, probably more than mine, so if she’s better off me, I’ll eventually disappear.

[patricia12]

I’m glad you’ve made some progress with your issue since starting therapy. Sorry, I just noticed you two were in a relationship for 5 years and because it was that long, it would be appropriate to send a happy birthday note at the end of the month. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, but maybe all is not lost. You said you believe in love and I do too. It’s the strongest emotion we humans have and it can work miracles when it’s reciprocal, thereby greatly improving the chance for reconciliation. Wishing you the best and take care of yourself..

[FishingTheSky]

Thanks for your words patricia12, I really appreciate them.

No matter what I went through and what I am still going through, I am firm on believing in love, it doesn’t mean I am delusional though, I know it can’t be pursued forever. I’d like to think of it as the ocean: when there is high tide it takes away and swallows whatever is left on the sand, but then it will give all back to the shore eventually.

Anyway I don’t know if we will reconciliate, my hopes are low this time, it might be over I am afraid to say.

I will keep improving myself and find my inner balance, I wish she would accompany me at the end of this journey.

There is another girl at work who’s showing clear signs of interest toward me and I am trying to ignore them, she knows about my breakup despite we don’t actually know each others at all. She seems decent but I don’t really wanna date right now, I am very vulnerable.

My day 10 of no contact has just started..

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