My BreakUp Story and the start of my NC

[S.H]

Thank you to anyone who take time looking at my post.
My ex just broke up with me 3 days ago. We had a big fight a few days before that and we both know what we did wrong. I know mostly is my fault because I dont have a very good temper and get mad easily.
So the day she broke up with me is because we have a small fight on skype( I was going back to my parents for holidays, a day after the big fight). So we had this fight over skype, I know lose my temper again and yelled at her. And then she suddenly just said she cant stand this any more and we are done.
I was shock and heartbroken. We are very happy together and I know that recently we have been fighting a lot over little stupid stuffs. Which may be cause by the fact we are tired and stress from our school work. I know why she thinks we are not happy together because she may be blinded by our fights, stress and my anger that she forget all the good times we have.
Also a very funny and stupid thing is that most of the time we fights are because I wanted her to spend more time with me(like going out, or movie, on the bed) but she is always so busy and/or tired after work that she said she cant spend time with me as much. And thats when i feel so insecure and sad, but instead I show anger and fights with her.
She never really good at showing her emotion and sometimes i think that why i dont feel like she love me anymore, but maybe in reality she just thought i would know and that is really busy/tired that she cant spend any or more time with me.
I know know till now it seems like I am the one who initiate all our fights, but thats not true…what is true is that i am far more emotional than she is and when we fight i

t always seem like she is the victim because Im the one yelling, while she kept all her emotions.
I know i have do so much wrong and I am really trying my hardest to change my temper, we both promised each other to work on our problems.( we talk quite a lot after each fights..maybe we didnt say enough?) But i though she would gave me more time than i needed to change and not just break up with me the moment i lose my temper the next time. Its hard to know what she really think because she broke up with me later with a text after she said we’re done on skype.

I sent her texts and a letter email after the break up, i sent the email a day after the break up. I cant say i wasnt been needy (but by sending it i guess i am), but in he letter i told her how i really feel about us. I was clear about what i did wrong and ask for her second chance.

But after that i found out about this website and have spend 2 days reading and processing everything and I am thinking much clearly now. i still want her back but not the old us. I want to be a better me and for all that to happen i need to start my NC period. I know its gonna be hard but thats why i am here seeking help and support from you guys and Kevin. Im in my 2nd day of NC

Ps. Im turning 23 and shes 21, we are both young and have a lot to learn. And i wish i have the chance to show myself and her a better me and us.

Thank you and god bless!

[lin91]

Hey SH,

Your story is so familiar, but you sound really mature in how you want to handle things from here on out.

I think you actually have a good chance here, because you already realise what mistakes you were making in the relationship and you want to fix them before you give it another go. NC is a great idea, because it will give you both the space you need. It will be hard, but in the long run it will be worth it.

It’s weird because when a break up happens we can so easily blame ourselves, like you are, but to be honest break ups are never just one persons fault. I bet she is at fault too, and she will come to realise this in the NC period too. It’s a great opportunity to grow yourselves and then come back together if you are both healed and you think you can make it work.

Did you speak before you started NC? I really hope it works for you!

[patricia12]

How long were you in the relationship? Your quick temper and yelling only caused more hurt to her. Maybe consider seeing a counselor for anger management. Your ex needs time to calm down from all the commotion and you starting no contact will help accomplish that. At this time, your ex would be very reluctant to want to get together with you because she fears you will only repeat the same patterns of requesting time when she needs to study and the yelling and temper outbursts. If you get the chance to be together again, try to more understanding of her time. You both need to focus on your school work, in addition to being with friends, family, outside interests etc.. but you could also spend some time together and enjoy it.
Hoping all goes well for both of you..

[S.H]

Hi lin91,
Thank you for reading my post. Yes, even after i know regrets wont help anything and i have to change and improve myself…i still blame myself from time to time( i guess thats me feel grief to feel better for the day?) But i have also thought about all the things i have done wrong and what she done wrong too to make me get mad/ we fight. I am not saying this to blame her or anything but i am really trying to see this from both sides.

And for your question, like i said in the post i did sen her texts and a email before the NC. But yesterday she text and we talk a bit because there a emergency. BUT we only stay on that subject….no jokes, no flirting, no “i miss you”… I feel like i did good, i control myself from talking to her how i feel and how i am trying so hard and will continue to try hard to change….but at the same time i felt like she was cold to me…she didnt said anything else other than “i hope youre doing well”

Im feeling strong, i want to change me…for her and myself and hopefully for our future…but honestly Im still really sad right now….

[S.H]

Hi patricia12,
Thanks for reading.
Me and my ex dated for more than 2 years, almost 3 years.
I fully understand your point. The last thing i want is to get back with her and have her sees me getting mad again and cause her more harm.
I am taking some kind of anger management class. I start reading books and today i started meditation. I also been doing the simple taking 10 breaths when i feel upset which prove to help a lot.( Although i dont have my ex with me currently, but i do have a older brother that really can test my patience with around). So i am seeing some good progress in me even though its still in a early stage.

I hope we can be together because like a quote Kevin post on his page ” Happiness doesnt come as a result of getting what we don’t have but to appreciating what we do have”. I know now that im lucky to have her and I have to cherish her more than anything since i really do love her. But for us to be together again and be happy, i have to change myself and im trying and will do my best.

[patricia12]

Hi S.H, I am so glad to hear you’re working on your anger issue! Not only will your ex admire and appreciate your efforts, but you will be able to give her a much better happier relationship in the future (if you reconcile). There’s an added bonus, you will feel better on the inside, being able to deal with any situation without getting stressed out. You will be a calmer, more pleasant person for anyone who encounters you in life. Yes, it will take time, but with determination you can do it! Keep up the good work and I truly wish you the best:)

[S.H]

Hi patricia12,
Thank you for your support. Just to update some stuff in my 4th day of NC….I been reading a lot and doing my meditation exercise. I am getting much better when Im feeling upset or when things that will normally make me lose my temper. I am calmer and been thinking more before my actions. (just came back from a visi to the bank to do some paperwork with my mom. Normally i would have lost at least some patience and whatnot having to wait so long and dealing with people. But this time for the first time Im the one telling my mom to be patience and be calm when some sh*** happens. And she was a teacher so she got a lot of patience.)

Anywhoo…I am getting better at my temper and actions. But then again i cant help but feeling sorry for myself and my ex for all the times that I could have acted this way and avoid so many fights and suffering for both of us. I know all i can do is to continue trying to do better and improving myself…but I am so afraid that WHAT IF she doesn’t want me back? I know what Kevin said in the emails that she will be thinking of me too but its so hard not to feel like she still care for me when Im feeling so lonely while trying so hard for us. I guess Im afraid that she may talk to her friends and try or did convince herself we are better off like this…..im terrified but i know i shouldnt feel like this when I am trying to get better….and sometimes i dont know what to feel or think…..any advice anyone? Please and thank you.

[lin91]

Hi SH,

Well done for staying strong! The first few days of NC are the hardest, but you have all the right reasons for doing it, so just keep reminding yourself of that.

We all have friends who will say a lot of things throughout a relationship. Let me ask you this: Has anything that any of your friends have said ever had any impact on your own feelings or the decisions you’ve made about your love life? I’m gonna guess the answer is no! Friends are brilliant for support but ultimately their opinions don’t matter. Trust me, nothing her friends say to her will have any impact on what she ultimately decides to do.

It’s so easy to think that she will move on and forget about you, but it’s not the case. I’ve been on both sides of break ups in the past and neither is easier. It’s always difficult. Even if you *know* it’s the right decision, you still think about the other person constantly for a fairly long time. So don’t fret!

The best thing to do is keep on doing what you’re doing. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I started seeing one a couple of weeks ago and it has already helped enormously. It’s amazing how much you can let go of when you’re talking to an impartial person. There will definitely be a deep-set reason behind why you’re so angry all the time.

[S.H]

Hi lin91,

Thank you for your replying again. What you said makes me feel much better. I know her well enough that she wont get effected by her friends so easily(I really hope so). And we did have a wonderful time together beside the recent 5-6 months which been stressful and tired for the both of us(plus the fights). I really do hope she still have feelings for me and not forgot about it because of what happen.

I know i habe anger issue and it got better before I met her, but i guess its kinda back these past few months. I know its getting worse now, thinking back I dont even know what i thought i have the need to get mad with her….I thought about going to a therapist or a anger management class, but i dont think i have the financial support for those. But i have been reading books and whatever help i can find online and doing the exercise like meditation. So i hope these are just as affective too…unless there something else i can do if i cant go to a therapist?

Thank you

[S.H]

Oh also what if she think she “knows” that she is doing the right thing and will not accept me back no matter what I do? I dont know how to make her believe me…i dont want to just keep saying it or she’ll think I only say i will and wont do it, but i am trying my best….

[lin91]

Hey,

Sometimes it’s good to get some perspective! Glad you feel slightly better. Of course, that’s not to give you false hope, but it’s important to remember that the relationship is between you and her, no-one else.

Hmm, well I’m not sure what country you live in, but you can often get financial support for therapy. If you visit a doctor they might be able to refer you and you can get support from the government / health service. Worth looking into anyway! There also might be group sessions in your local area which are often free.

If it’s not likely to happen, then that’s fine. Meditation sounds like a good idea. Have you tried yoga or pilates? I find those are both good for clearing my head!

[lin91]

You can’t know, and to be honest she probably doesn’t either. That’s why you both need space, so you can figure it out. You will have a better chance of her regretting the decision if you stay away for a while.

[S.H]

Thanks lin91,

I’ll look into it. And yea i think i’ll try yoga too since my dad is doing it too.

I hope she is thinking about us and also her own mistake just as much as me with mine. I truly believe if we both know what we truly did wrong and that we are and still love each other really much we can be together and be way better than we ever been and will be if we never broke up…

Also she’s never really god at expressing her feelings, and especially now that we are ” no longer together”, I fear that she may not even tell me she regrets or what ever shes feeling…this one of the reason I am afraid of when I doing this NC, is that I have support here with my family while she still there alone…and probably really sad too…

I know it may be a very bad idea, but should i try talk to her about how she feeling during NC? Everyone is different, what if shes thought if i care enough i should have contact her earlier and not a full 30 days..?

[lin91]

I think that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Yes, she will definitely be sad and going through a lot of emotions.. but if you both go to each other when you’re feeling bad because you don’t have anyone else, that’s not a loving relationship, that’s a co-dependent one.

Co-dependent relationships are intense and they feel good at the time, but ultimately they are toxic.

You and her both need to lean on other people, or learn to deal with your own insecurities and problems. Problems like expressing feelings – she will only learn to do that on her own. Being with you didn’t prompt her to sort it out, so maybe she will pursue help now.

Everyone feels like their ex will move on and forget about them, or be angry that they’re not contacted during NC, but it’s not that way at all. If you are there for her during this time, you are continuing on the road of being co-dependent.

This sounds harsh, but it’s also not your problem. If she has no-one, that’s her issue to sort out. Humans are incredibly resourceful, and she will make new friends I’m certain of it.

If you get back together, then you can explain why you did NC if she is upset, but I bet she will understand why you did it and she will agree that it was the best thing for you both.

[S.H]

Hi lin91,

Thanks for your opinions. What you said make sense…I guess i just have to be stronger and know that although it is tough right now… its something we both need to deal with.

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