Confused with ex after no contact, contact. Need advice!!

[melvin]

Firstly a little back story to our break up. About 6 weeks ago, she out of the blue broke up with me after 6 months. Since we had a near perfect relationship with so much in common, and were seemingly excited for the future. We had just spent 6 days at the lake all over each other and then the last day she got distance. She said all of a sudden she had these confusing feelings and felt she needed to figure it all out herself. She was really upset, because she said she really cares for me, thought I was an incredibly supportive, have a great family dynamic with her daughter, and that she really didn’t understand these all of a sudden feelings. After some discussion, I knew there wasn’t anything I could do as she was really confused about it all. Although confused and upset, I was nice about the break up and told her if that’s what she needs then I support her and the decision. And hoped she figured out what ever she needed to, as she decided to seek professional help. This is when I realized scars from the past were possibly still haunting her and a lot less about me (bad marriage with no support of any kind and cheating on her previuosly). THings were exceptionally good and it seemed like she got scared or began creating negatives scenarios that could happen in the future. Thinking I was too good for her and she didn’t deserve me and self sabotaging things it seemed. \she told her friends that I couldn’t have done much better as boyfriend, she just needed to figure herself out.

We did absolutely no contact for rougly 30 days. When I got a msg from the ex that she would like to bring back some of my things and see me right around the 30 day mark. I was hesitant, but felt good about myself and the situation so I accepted. She came over, gave me a big hug before she was even in the door and started complimenting me. She was very inquisitive, talkative and seemed genuinely excited to tell me some good news with her work and daughter. We laughed and it was just like old times. Which I purposely did not bring up. She seemed to wait for me to hug her before she left, and said how nice it was to see me and how she hoped to see me soon. Of course I was somewhat confused by this, and old feelings came flooding back. And a few days later she liked my FB picture. So a few days after that I sent her a question text to break the ice and talk to her. She responded quickly and was talkative as we talked about general stuff. I decided to end it after 12 msg to keep it short and gauge things. five days later I came across something she was looking for the whole time we were together. Since things seemed to be going good I msg her if I should pick it up. She was very short and never strayed from the item details. But said it was nice of me to do and thanked me. A day later I ran into her out for supper with a guy, so I went over and said “hi”. She seemed really happy to see me (may have made an awkward attempt at a hug? I didn’t know so didn’t lean in) She was quick to introduce the guy as her cousin. Who i actually met before. I told her I was back in town and when ever she wanted that item to let me know. She acted surprised that I got it, even though the night before she knew I was going to. A bit of small chit chat and that was the end, as I said I didn’t want to interrupt her meal with her cousin to end it.

It just seems so confusing with how we broke up with no closer and now with the really good contact that seemed to point to a positive for us. To being somewhat hot and cold. I left it to her to contact me to get this item. I was hoping to use it as a chance to see her again. Should I wait to hear from her? Did I maybe come off too strong with my msg”s and the short time frame (1 1|2 weeks) and getting the item for her? What course of action should one do, because im confused? Could she be conflicted again after seeing me again? I would like to be with her, so any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[melvin]

Some what of an update. I haven’t heard from my ex yet to pick up her stuff. But i knew she was going to a concert we talked about going to for a long time. So I sent her a music video of the band and told her she was going to have a great time(kinda wanted to make her think of me when she was there). She responded quickly but briefly by saying “well now I’m really excited for the show”. And that was it. She posted pictures herself at the concert later that night. But I waited to like them until the next day ….. Hopefully showing her I’m glad she was out having fun.

I could use some advice as I’m still really confused. I’m thinking of cutting off contact again. Should I? Any opinions on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Platinum]

Hmm… Well, first of all, I want to say that I’m quite young to be dealing with cases where kids are involved. But I might give it a shot and try to help you.

You said she might be having scars from a past relationship. That may be possible. However, how much time has passed between ending that past relationship and starting one with you?
I’m a woman, so I think I can share my thoughts on this with you. You see, my ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago, and it was all kind of no where, just like your case (except I had a relationship that lasted trice the time yours lasted). Now, there’s a guy chasing me, but, in my eyes, he’s becoming kind of annoying. Why? Because I’m scarred. He’s doing all he can to go on a date with me, but I don’t feel like dating him. There’s actually no substance in our conversations, and it’s not something that you realize by reading his words, it’s about how those words reach your insides.
Now, imagine I did go out with this guy and eventually he became my new boyfriend. Because of all the traumatic moments I had when my ex broke up with me, I would not give in so much of myself into this new relationship. This is all about fear. Fear of being hurt again. And it’s also about still being in love with my ex, but I don’t know your ex, she might have really liked you, seeing that you guys had an almost perfect relationship.

Hey, I know your pain. My relationship with my ex was almost perfect too. Sure, with one or two flaws, but they were nothing that couldn’t be repaired. And that’s what made me fight for him. Because I believe we can work this out. And I think you should do the same.
Keep talking to her. You know we women want guys to start conversations first because we live to a sense of entitlement. I’m not saying it’s the correct way of behaving, but that’s how must of us think. She might be scared of talking to you as well. I am still scared of my ex, so you can take me as an example. But take it slow. You don’t want to be friendzoned, do you?

[melvin]

Thanks for the response platimun, i appreciate the time you took. The daughter is from the divorce, but we have a really good relationship. My ex told me that was not a factor at all, she was actually upset because of how it was going to effect her duaghter. As for my ex, it has been 4 years since her divorce. She had one rebound relationship/fling right away and then no real relationship until a bit more then a year ago. Which i coincidently found out she broke up with him almost exactly a year earlier under the same kinda clouded circumstances. I know she doesnt love her ex husband, because i have close knowledge of both sides. But i do think you are right about the fear of being hurt, he hurt her bad.
She did alot of the chasing and engaging and i gradually caught up to the point she was talking alot about the future and we were spending alot of time together. And then out of nowhere she had “some feelings and felt she needed to end it to figure it out”. But was really confused, and didnt really know why. she did say it was probably best that we break up now incase we did later and it would be harder(i disagreed, as any break up is hard. She agreed). And coming up with negative things in the future. Which i easilly dispelled and she acknowledged. This was all in a few days after we just spent a wonderful vacation together. Also she chose to seek professional help, understanding there was an issue. Because she didnt know why she felt so right about me and all of a suddein a few days was so confused and scared. I encouraged this, knowing she doesnt talk to anyone about her issues (I was the most she had opened up to anyone, i later found out) and seeing she wasnt willing to discuss this with me.

I do want to fight for her, but i do worry about pushing her away or ending in the friend zone. It just seems that our contact has become shorter and more to the point on her end (as my previous messages may show?) And in no way do i or can i be a friend (which i did tell her that when we broke up). When i have feelings for them, they never truly go away. Maybe i have stirred her up emotionally too? And now she is back to being in turmoil? Maybe i should back of for awhile and see what happens. I dont know, i just dont want to blow it.

[Platinum]

I understand. The same thing happened with my ex. I wasn’t liking some of his behavior, so unconsciously I started to drift away from him. I thought he would sometimes put his friends above me, and I was very uncomfortable about it. I also felt he didn’t feel the same pain I felt when we had to be apart because we couldn’t be together for some time. All of that made me unconsciously start to drift from him. But I still loved him. In fact, it was that same love that made me hide away from him because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
Turns out I should have told him one more time, two more times, whatever, until he saw he was hurting me. He knew what I didn’t like, but he thought he was the best boyfriend ever (like I told him so many times) and so he didn’t feel the need to change. This could have happened to your ex, and she might have kept those things to her because she could be scared of rocking the boat or leaving you angry. Even though you think you did nothing, remember you’re not looking through her eyes and you can’t feel what she feels.

My ex was pretty caring and loving, though. It’s just that he could make a little more effort to come and see me. Anyway, that was not the reason why he broke up with me. And anyways, your ex might have problems inside her. She may just be reaching a situation where she sees love as a demon. The fact that she was unsuccessful before you is scaring her to death. It’s like not believing in love anymore. I too don’t know if I believe in love. After what happened to me, I’m not sure there is such thing as love… You believe your partner loves you more than anything, they say that out loud, they show that to you, and then all of a sudden they rip away your heart.

It’s up to you to convince her that love does exist and it is a powerful good creature, not a demon. So take it slow when you talk to her.

[melvin]

Wow that is well said and does make a lot of sense. I feel it does relate to my ex a lot in this situation as some of your experiences seem to. I truly appreciate everything. And believe there is love, u need to take a chance to feel it fully(hard part I know). And live in the now and let it blossom. Dont let the negative thoughts of the past or future overtake the moment. I have had a lot of terrible experiences put this in doubt myself. And this is how I try to process it.

[Platinum]

You’re welcome. 🙂 We’re all in this together. Anytime I have the chance to help someone, I do. I know how much it hurts not having anyone to answer your questions and help you with something as important as this. And most of the times, if you want to be helped by a “so called expert” you need to pay. Otherwise you’re risking yourself to talk to a wall.
I’m sorry, but my love isn’t expressed by money.

[melvin]

It is really hard not to want to talk to her about everything. Ask questions, and tell her how much u are there for her and possibly understand what she is going through (to some degree) and just try to help. I see how she looks at me and how she responds whens she has seen me. Happy, excited and somewhat physical (Hugs, touching) and the last time nervousness. But I know this isnt my best course of action to bring everything up. It just sucks to play the waiting game, with no idea if there is a happy ending. Or just what is going on. If you are doing the right thing or not.
My plan is to back off now that i put myself out there the last few times, and see if she responds. Give her time and space, since i left the door open for her to get her stuff from me. I may also order some stuff from her friend that i use to get from her. I know it will get back to her. Since ive put myself out there some, maybe show some indifference and get here thinking some. What are your thoughts?

[Platinum]

Hmm… Like I said, if I were your ex, I would like you to strike conversations with me because later I would feel confortable starting conversations with you. If she touches you all over, that could either be a good or a neutral sign. I mean, I touch my friends a lot, I love to be hugged, but that doesn’t mean I’m love with them or attracted xD I would actually restrain myself of hugging a guy I’m attracted to. But maybe that’s just me being shy and somewhat of a “classy girl”. Of course, when my ex started to touch me, I didn’t feel restrained at all, because he made the first move, and that was his way of saying “It’s alright” Do you see where I’m getting here?

But your ex may be different from me. Not all women are alike. Plus, she has a daughter. She loves her more than anything. If you can prove her that you can be an amazing father, maybe you can attract her. I repeat, I’m too young to deal with cases involving kids. This is just my opinion, I know nothing of parenthood.

[melvin]

Thank you platinum, but im not concerned about her child. I know she is a big part, and there was moments (as there is with any teen). but my ex and i took it slow in that department and i had a very good relationship with her daughter. To the point she asked to do things with me, asked me to help her and this made my ex extatic about how things were between myself and her duaghter. So i dont think u need to respond to it, but thank you.

I just feel even though she was quick to respond in the last few text conversations. they werent personal, straight to the point and very short by her doing. When ive seen her u can see the emotions and they were better (though she seemed to get nervous as the last run in went along. Even acted surprised i picked something up for her, even though i spoke with her the day before). She has never seemed to be a touchy person the while i was with her, except with me (not with familly, friends etc that i seen). I just wonder what u think is appropriate contacting. In the past two weeks, she initated the first contact to see me. 4 days later we had a decent text convo, i initaited. 3 days after i msg her and picked up that stuff, which was direct and to the point. Chance meeting the next day, she was excited to see me but then she seemed a bit tense by the end (it was short). I msg her 4 days later and got a quick response, but no carry on convo. So have i been too eager and maybe sit back and see what she will do? Keep reaching out, but at lesser intervales?

[Wondering412]

MELVIN, YOU ARE RIGHT WE ARE GOING THRU THE EXACT SAME SITUATION (only mine doesn’t have a 4 year old child!)

It is unbelievable how similar our stories are.
My relationship being a bit longer at 18 months… But even the vacation, the camping trip, the lake… It all happened on vacation too. Out of nowhere, after a seemingly wonderful vacation where we had hiked, fished, she gave me the whole I’m not ready, I don’t see a future with you speech. I was devastated. We had to stay that night together, and pack up and have a 4 hour drive back in the same car. I tried to repair, get a reason, etc. We laughed, we cried, we sang sad songs together…Finally we arrived back to her place, and I packed what I had there, did mine and her laundry, and cleaned her place a little while she laid in bed. We had a civil talk and left it “we will talk”. I told her I wasn’t going down without a fight, and she smiled and said okay.

Here I am 84 days.
34 days NC (she called me once, no voicemail, and there was a short text exchange)
then I mailed a second chance letter–she called right away, we talked, but she sounded forcefully happy.
We had text conversations every few days very fun, flirty, good memories
Then she initiated a text convo one night
THEN 15 more days NC, I initiated but she said in a quick response that she was going to text me that night.
We have been talking on/off for 2 weeks now, again, I’m scared to ask for a face-to-face.

Yesterday she text me leaving the convo with “I’ll talk to you later”
so tonight I text her, and she was the coldest, shortest, most to the point she had ever been. I was typing and in mid-sentence she says Goodnight. I’m going to sleep.
She never goes to sleep this early. It felt more like a “I don’t want to talk to you, goodnight”

***Anyways! TRY TO FIND MY OTHER POSTS ON WHAT I SAID IN MY LETTER, AND THE WAYS I HAVE TEXT HER WITH HUMOR AND TO GAIN HER ATTENTION THUS FAR because those have worked.

The only thing that hasn’t worked is her having a change of heart. I dropped a lot of weight and people say I look good, and I am feeling good, but I can’t change her life or her mind. I only wish to see her, like your ex, to get some answers.

Email Kevin and ask him to put you in direct touch with me… Sometimes posts are a little tricky keeping up with everyone.

Always,
Wondering.

[melvin]

I will for surely do that! thank you

[melvin]

I msg kevin and I will try to go through your posts. But in the meantime, from what u have read. Do you think I should back off and wait and see or still initiate some contact through text?

[Wondering412]

Melvin,
Go 1- 1 1/2 weeks no contact. Then send her a hand written letter to her home address.
In this letter you are going to do 3 things.
1) Send her a positive memory “Hey ___, I was just passing by blank and couldn’t help but remember the way ______________. It makes me smile as I write this letter.
2) Accept the space/break. I said “Although our time apart has been very tough, I have accepted it.” I kept this simple, I never said I ACCEPT THE BREAK UP, I SAID I ACCEPT HER SPACE AND NEED FOR TIME.
3) Tell her that great things are happening AND THAT SHE SHOULD CALL YOU TO HEAR TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

I said “CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN”
She called me the next day saying she loved my letter, and it was very mature and adult and lovely of me. Again, she sounded forceably happy and admitted to having a rough time, but that was 50 days ago.
That was day 33, we are at day 83 (she could have very well moved on).

Always,
Wondering.

[melvin]

The only problem with this is that, I already sent a message along the same lines. She intiated contact a few weeks later and the rest is history. So I would just be repeating myself with that approach as I have already seen her once, msg a few times and ran into her once. but thanks for the idea and time you took to respond

[Author]

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