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Hi, (The last paragraph is essentially why im writing; the rest is background)
I’m just out from a short 3 months relationship (plus 1 month getting know each other)(not girlfriend, but we were on our way to that. We both declared that we were in love and that we wanted something serious but were cautious and let things flow).
Some background about me: I’m 28, graduated and only superficial worry is work; I don’t commit to a relationship easily; i’ve been single for 4 yrs healing from my last serious relationship but i’ve been around.
Some background about her: She’s 23, still studying to be a pediatrician, partial employment which stresses her some because of lack of financial independence; she doesn’t commit nor opens up easily; she’s beautiful and is used to guys flirting; She hasn’t been around much; been single for 9 months after a 9yrs relationship.Ok. First two months were glorious, never felt like that before. Started very innocent and even delayed the first kiss on purpose when we both wanted it early on. We never had sex although we both wanted it but preferred to take things slowly, didn’t want to rush things and screw things up. We talked every day, she used to call me several times a day just to talk whatever, and was very caring, which it was evident it was not something common nor easy for her, maybe due to her lack of experience with other guys (considering she was in a 9yrs relationship at early age).
In the third month things started to go down. She had some trouble with her parents because they were close to get a divorce, but didn’t; she began to be more desperate about her un-started career because her mom and her depend financially on her stepfather, so our relationship began to be in a second plain for her. She wasn’t much caring anymore, stopped calling much, and conversation weren’t as enjoyable. She started to refuse my invitations to go out because she said that she wasn’t feeling like herself (maybe some symptoms of mild depression), so we almost stopped seeing each other although i openly asked her about it.
I talked with her about how i was feeling due to the circumstances in two occasions and asked her if she wanted to end and stuff, but she was unclear in her response; asked her if i was doing something wrong and replied in negative, that it was her. So i was patient for a month to wait things out. After a month i confronted her again determined to make a decision; after a discussion (she’s not good expressing her feelings, and commonly hides them) she like exploded and mentioned that she really wanted to be alone, without anybody, and focus on her goals, so i kind of made the decision for her of just being friends after that, although that was not what i wanted. She seemed sad but didn’t reject it.
So we tried that shit of being “just friends”. After noticing that she was still cold and dry in our conversation, i was no longer “bby” and stuff, i began to txt longer paragraphs about how i was feeling. Began to behave needy. She replied once that she still cares for me and loves me but no words of getting back together. After the third long txt of neediness i began to noticed that she was getting away by being slower in replying and conversations being close ended and even ignoring calls which never happened, so i began reading about the NO CONTACT RULE and started implementing it.
THIS IS WHY IM WRITING. Now i’m at my 20th day without contacting her at all and I was feeling awesome because i was meeting other persons but have been sad for the last 3 days due to ignoring her. She have contacted me two times during those days. On day 10th with the following: “Hi, hope you are well”, which i didn’t reply. And on day 14th with the following: “Hi Xavier, I don’t know what’s happening to you with me but you don’t have to see me as enemy. I hope you are well” which i didn’t replied either. She knows i read them. It is really uncomfortable for me to ignore her, but it was common that when i contacted her before i started to feel down, as resetting the whole situation.
Should i reply to her and tell her that i would like her to not write me, or that i want some time without contact, or give her short close-ended responses? or should i keep ignoring her? if so, until when? until she contacts me again?
Sorry for the long post; hope you can help me with some advice. Thanks
DO NOT REPLY TO HER MESSAGES!
Keep up no contact until the end! Keep to a typical 30 day NC unless you feel you will lose her if you continue with it that long. Her prompt is showing that she misses you and wants you to feel able to talk to her.
Do something new and fun while waiting and when NC is done, invite her to do it with you and then catch up over coffee or something. Or do something the two of you used to enjoy together a lot. Make sure it’s casual so she doesn’t feel pressured into anything.
If you tell her that you don’t want to talk, she’s gonna back off and feel hurt. Obviously you don’t want that. Just wait it out.
If she’s put off about you not texting back, tell her the truth; you where working some things out and needed space.
I was in a similar situation but I had to break NC around day 15. She had called, then text and I didn’t want to play games. I sent a response to her text but at day 33, I wrote a letter accepting the break up and she called. We talked, went well. I spaced out some texts every few days. Now here we are at 58 days post breakup and she is initiating texts to me, although she tells her friends “the breakup now was the right thing to do, and that it’s getting easier for her”. She’s still trying to keep in touch.
Keep at your NC for 30 days. If you don’t want to be a jerk, then text her but DONT bring up the Relationship.
You need to appear OKAY with it, even if you aren’t.
I’d send the letter if you want her back, it works. The next steps are equally important though. Now I’m stuck deepening our relationship via texts…Always.
WonderingThank you so much for your responses Spiralfox and Wondering412, i was getting kind of desperate and almost broke NC because i hated ignoring her text; it is disrespectful, even more when she knows that i have read them. But well, she was cold and dry when i replied normally after breakup and it was hurting, so I’m giving NC a try. It is ok if we don’t get back but the indifference is unbearable, even more when I did nothing wrong and she’s aware.
I was also worried about how to get back and how to reply when she asks me why did i ignored her. I’m very honest and was planning on telling her that i needed space and needed to focus on some things, as Spiralfox mentions. Do you agree with this Wondering412? She will probably say that I could have told her, which i would’ve loved to but i was following NC rules. I’ll probably reply to that something like “Yes, i could have, and it was hard not to because it is not me, but I think it was for the best” and then try changing the subject and avoid any talk about the past and what happened.
Today is my 23th NC day. Thank you guys for your replies, this is almost therapeutic :>
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