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Hello everyone
Here I am, unfortunately and for the first time, to let my feelings of pain and despair out… So here’s what happened to me:
Me and my boyfriend had an intense, loving and very, VERY intimate relationship that lasted 19 months. More than a year and a half. This is mostly a long distance relationship, because I met him when I moved to another city because of college. He’s a student there too, but in a different institute, and lives close to this city. But my home is located 30 kilometers away from his. Nonetheless, distance was not a problem for us, because we always found strength in each other when we were missing each other, and we were together every week, changing turns in who visits who, and besides that, we would sometimes meet after class. I know his family, he knows mine. Yeah, we had it all, a perfect relationship, we rarely had fights and when we had them we solved everything right away. We were very affectionate towards each other.But suddenly, I went from hearing “my angel, how sweet you are, I love you so much…” to “It’s over for me.” Yup, this last Thursday, the tragedy I feared for so long happened, and all of a sudden, because on the day before, we were talking about how impressive our intimacy was, and then… :'(
He said that his feelings towards me changed, because he thinks that I’m only thinking about myself. He said that whenever we talked, I only talked about my problems and that I was cold if that wasn’t the subject. He said that I never had the initiative of being the first to say “good morning my love” every morning. He said that I wasn’t supportive towards him. And so he thinks that he’s not comfortable in this relationship anymore, and that he doesn’t really want to have anything with me ever again.Now, I know that I could have been a better girlfriend, but I wasn’t that much of a villain… Sadly, I committed almost all of the deadly mistakes covered in the 5-step article. I even talked to a friend in common to help me out of despair, but that didn’t take me anywhere close… I cried and I still cry so much… I don’t understand. I mean, this is insane. The reasons he gave me are no reasons requiring a breakup, because they all have a solution, right? I already said I’m sorry… Heck, he doesn’t even want to meet me in person! xc I already ready Ryan Rivers’ “Relationship Rewind” steps, but… I just don’t know if he’ll come back to me. I really wish he would… I really, really love him… I always told him how much he means to me and he did the same to me. Honestly, if you ask me, I don’t believe that he doesn’t like me anymore. I do believe that he’s badly hurt, and things with his family haven’t been so well because his mom has several health issues, for example… But he was pretty clear… When I was begging (yes, I know I shouldn’t have done it) for him not to leave me, always saying how much I love him, all he said was “Stop it. I already made my decision, don’t make it harder. Stop it. I don’t like you anymore. I’m not happy with you. Stop it.”
You know, I really don’t want to move on. He’s the one I want. I’m sure of it. We even had an active sexual life. I had my first time with him and he had his with me. I can’t walk around my house without stumbling on one of his gifts, and looking at them and knowing that what we had is coming to an end… I can’t bear the pain. I can’t. He changed my life. He appeared to me in a really hard time of my life, like a true angel. He’s really everything I always wanted in a man. He always was… I cannot move on and forget him, it doesn’t make sense at all! He’s my everything, to put it simple. And no, I’m not exaggerating, it’s the truth. We have almost everything in common, we’re soulmates!
Before I came here, I sent him messages on Facebook Messenger, because we use that tool a lot to communicate, besides phone calls and text messages. He didn’t reply to any of them. I basically ask him how he’s doing and how’s his mom doing. Kind of doing what he wanted me to do. He didn’t reply, but he read them. I can tell, because of the “seen” notification. Does that mean anything?
So please, help me. I’m begging to anyone here to help me to get him back… I’m scared that he finds other girl during the no-contact period… I don’t even want to think about it! xc I know he felt everything we had. All the places he took me to, all we did together… He was so happy back then, and so was I…
Please help me recover this relationship. I want him back so badly, this is killing me! Please… I hope I can hear from you soon…
PS: This is a question. I really like to draw. He always loved that about me. He loved everything about me, anyways, but he really liked to see my drawings and was always very supportive and loving when I showed him my art. Recently, by his birthday, one of my gifts was a portrait I drew of him. He cried of emotion and love when he saw it. He really liked it. So my question is: will making a drawing of him and showing him by leaving him a picture of it on a text message or facebook messenger message change anything? I mean, do you think I should do it?
Platinum
Platinum,
I would initiate the no contact rule and stick with it; the more you chase him, the more he will pull away. I know it’s hard… Believe me, I do know; I have a lot of the same feelings about my ex as well; I truly believe that he and I are soul mates, and I still feel like we’re going to end up together at some point. The separation we’re in right now kills me… So I know how you feel. But I have faith.
But give it time. I’m trying to do the same thing. Work on yourself; work on your drawing more, on thinking More about others if that was something that bothered him. Work out, get healthy, try a new hobby… And then after a month, ask if he’d like to go get a coffee so he can see the new you. But just give it some time. Let him miss you.
Good luck.
Thank you, MeganHT… I’m sick of hearing people telling me to just let him go and move on… I don’t want to move on, I want him! 🙁 I need people to give me faith, but I don’t want false hopes… Tell me, in your opinion, do you think, based on the reasons he gave me to breakup, that breaking up is what he really wants? Or is he just hurt? Do you think that he really doesn’t love me anymore? I mean, does this seem logical, stop loving me from one day to another? And what chances do I have of getting him back, knowing that we were so madly in love with each other?
My father thinks that something really bad must have happened with his family, like his parents getting divorced (which almost happened several times), and since he thinks that I’m not supporting him, adding that he might be really depressed, he discharged all his rage on me. But that’s just a theory, we don’t know if something happened or not.
Sorry about all the questions… It’s just that I really need help with getting him back. You can tell how desperate I am. I’m a total mess, this caught me really off guard…
Once again, thanks for replying.
PlatinumIt’s really hard to say why the break up happened or what his reasonings are; I don’t think he just stopped loving you though. It’s impossible to stop loving someone from one day to the next. I’m facing the same issue with my ex; two days before we broke up, he was telling me how happy he was with me and how much he loved me.
Perhaps he just needs his space for now, and then perhaps you can ask him again later.
I wish you luck; try the Relationship rewind, and I give him some time. I wouldn’t worry so much about the end result as much as what you can do to focus on yourself for now. It’s hard, ask know…. But it will be worth it. Either way, you will come out stronger.
I sincerely hope that your relationship comes back to you.
Thank you once again. Anyway, I don’t have to try hard to follow the no-contact rule, as I have the feeling that he’s avoiding me at all costs. But, on the other hand, since he was my addiction, no-contact is killing me…
I’m reading Relationship Rewind Women’s Edition, and our relationship, sad as it is, appears to be on Death’s Door… I know I need to give him time… But then I came upon the Magic Letter part. Although I’m not sure if he’s in a state of Indifference towards me, I really have the urge of writing him one and leaving it in his mail box along with a drawing of him once I have the opportunity of walking by his place. And no, I don’t want to be seen if I get to do this.
Maybe I’ll just wait a bit more, don’t you think? Or do you think that I could do it now?
Also, I wish you the best of luck recovering your love too. And you’re right. We need to have faith. We need to believe things will work out and that they’ll come back. They have to…
Don’t do it. No letter, no contact. What you are going through is normal. Your brain is in emotional turmoil and is working overtime. As you continue on the no contact, like any addiction, it will get easier and then you will start to feel better.
The idea is to get to a place where your emotional meltdown isn’t controlling your actions.
You were the one abandoned, you are grieving. What you end up doing is idolizing your ex to justify why would feel this much pain. It has to be because he was the one for you. In time though he’ll start to slip off that pedestal. You’ll question, if he was so great, why would he even do this to you.
This is where you want to get to. Not to necessarily get over him, but where you can see the relationship for what it was, all the good and all the bad. And not only that, you want him there too
Now if you still want to be with him, after your head is clear, you can approach with a more devil may care attitude. That will be way more attractive to him then acting like your life and your happiness depends solely on him. What guy would want that? No, you have to get him emotionally attracted to you, where it feels good to be with you. He already finds you attractive, he just doesn’t find you emotionally attractive RIGHT NOW, but that will die down with no contact.Best of luck to you. Try to be strong. I’m going through the same thing right now and I’m starting to have some good days, and it feels pretty good. Try journaling your thoughts and you can see how you’re progressing.
Oh, the reason you want him there too is because then the two of you will be more amicable when you do both talk. And if that day comes, play it cool. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, how bad he hurt you. That will only put him back in that mindset of negativity. Make him feel good about being in your presence again by being yourself. Engage in conversation and display empathy and no hard feelings. And take it slow. If that first time together goes well, say, hey this was fun, maybe we can do it again sometime soon. And go from there.
Thank you Franknj. I will do as you say. Right now I’m having highs and lows… One moment I’m thinking “Hey, this is working. And that’s good. I’ll become a fresh new woman and he’ll fall for me again. I’m sure of it. I’ll keep working on this.” and then I become depressed, worried about him, about if he’s thinking of me, if he wants to talk to me but isn’t sure of how he feels or what to say. I wonder if he’s missing me… I wonder if he still loves me…
Because thinking “No, I have to be strong. I’m doing this because I want him back. And I’ll stick to it, no matter what happens, and he’ll come back for me. He will!” sometimes makes me end up thinking “He will, right…?”. I’ve already thought about our relationship. There’s only one negative thing about it: distance. But distance, like I said in my first post on this topic, isn’t really much of a problem. You see, although I live in a different town, I study (we’re both college students) in the same city as he does, and he lives near that city. Meeting was never a problem. Aside from distance, and no, my thoughts aren’t clouded by my emotions, there isn’t anything I can really point out. And because of that, I want him back. Because I was happy with that relationship, and he was too. I could see it every time we were together.
I know him. Every time I took too long to reply to his messages or texts he would send another message or text saying “Baby? Talk to me, my love. Even if you don’t have a subject, just talk to me. I miss you.” Often I didn’t take too long because I wanted to, I was busy most of the times it happened. And other times… well, I was jealous when he went out with his friends. And insecure, because I thought he wouldn’t pay any attention to me when he was around his friends. I didn’t want to “bother” him. But he doesn’t know that, I never told him that. And then he said “You didn’t talk to me all day!” And I was proven to be wrong. He would talk with me even when around his friends. He was always bragging about me. He had this big proud inside him of being my boyfriend. I know this because he said it endless times… He was constantly fondling me when we were around his friends…
And my insecurity now comes from the constant flashback of the things he said when he broke up with me. That he’s sick of the relationship. That he can’t bear being my boyfriend again. That he doesn’t feel the same anymore. That he doesn’t want to be forced to take me back again. That’s what’s pulling me back on trying to improve myself. I know that I shouldn’t listen to those voices, but I can’t help it. It’s like waking up in the middle of the night after having a vicious nightmare and being scared of falling asleep again…
Remember, you need to refocus the purpose for NC. This is for you to clear your head, get perspective, break your addiction, get mad, and internalize what you’ve gone through. Don’t do this for the sole purpose of getting him back or it might not work. If he is your total focus, you’re not going to grow and be a better you.
I know it’s hard right now, but remember, it’s normal and believe me, there will come a time when your brain will tire of being so driven by tense emotions that it will start to ease up and the pain will start to lessen each day. Allow yourself to grieve knowing that these clouds will soon start to part.Hey there! Just to let you know we are all going through the same thing.. We bf of 3 years told me we should ‘let go’ because of our studies..and that I’m putting too much effort on us instead of our studies. Yes it hursts o much because mostly we ended because I was loving him too much. And I can tell you that trying to talk with him especially when the break up is still fresh doesn’t work at all .. yes it worked once for me because I was crying so bad I knew he still loved me so he decided to give another go but BUT I’m still the clingy, needy me..
So after the second time, I tried my best to put back all my pieces together. Had been NC for more than a month now. He did initiate contact with me several times.. after about 1-2 weeks.. and show signs that he misses me too sometimes. But I decided to give it time, be patience. I’ve stopped logging onto social media that often, and spending more time with my family, with my close friends, started doing my hobby again and start studying hard. NC helped me a lot, although I miss him, but I’m not desperately to get back together with him anymore. Because the reason that every relationship reach this point is because there are things that needs positive changes.
I hate that people just said to me ‘move on’ , and ‘you’re so young do you know what is love?’ But I freeggin feel that me and him is meant to be..so does you and you ex .. And remember , he LOVES YOU TOO. When he say those words to you he’s hurting too, when you’re going through a hard time he’s too. Just give some time to him to get away all those negative emotions blocking him from you. At the meantime, be the BETTER YOU.
I know it’s hard but YOU can do it! :’) The first two weeks would suck because that’s when the memories came rushing back in your head like a movie. Just give it some time okay. Action speaks louder than words. If you believe in it then fight for it!
Thanks people… Yes, my parents also told me that, about me being young and having the whole world ahead of me. And like you, moonbunny, this was also the second time for me.
The first time happened last year, in person and out of the blue as well. But since he saw how I cried and how hurt I was, he hugged me and said “You know, that’s really not true. I love you.” and he kissed me. He said he was going through tough times… Studying hard, and being alone on his birthday because he had to study, his family having several issues… But he didn’t say he wanted to breakup. Now this is for real. This is it… :'(
My dad said “Don’t worry. If he loves you, he’ll search for you. He’ll come for you when he realizes that things aren’t right this way.” I hope he comes…
I have been dreaming about him. About him calling me, about us being together and just being the couple we always were. I hope that’s a good premonition…
Also, best of luck to you, my friend. Yes, I know about thinking clear about our relationship. I already have. That’s why I’m through such pain and despair. We had everything, believe me.
The reason I’m in such a mess is because I don’t understand his decision. I don’t understand why he wants this. You see, this was completely out of nowhere. Hence the title of the topic, nonsense. Like I said before, the reasons he gave me don’t require a breakup. It’s true, he warned me before. He told me he wasn’t feeling well, things aren’t going so well in his life, and I didn’t comfort him… But every time I asked how he was, he would just say “I’m tired…”.
So, he may be just hurt. But I don’t know… I don’t know what’s going on. That’s why I’m worried about him. And most of all, I miss him.
Awwww :'( I have tears in my eyes when I read your reply.. and it kills me inside. Everything you said about your him reminds me so much of my him 🙁 I still feel that he still loves me too.. He was my first everything and we’ve spent 3 years together.. I know his room is full of my stuffs and so does mine.. I wondered if he’d cleared everything away.. I still remembered when he told me he don’t ever want to lose me.. and that he’s afraid that we met at a young age because the future is so terrifying.. and told me that e doesn’t deserve me because I was too good for him..and he even cried in front of me before thinking about all these stuffs.. And by that I know he truly loves me.. So do I.. I was looking at the roses he made for me out of paper while writing this.. it makes my heart hurt so badd knowing that everything is gone now..
Yeah mine happened last year too. Because he saw me crying so painfully so he end up just holding me tight in his arms…but he never mentioned about wanting to break up that time. He just told me that both our future are very important now.. and that he wants me to focus of my studies too, instead of US. And so he started always busying with studies and also, he going through some family problems.
But I was still not thinking straight.. I can’t adapt to his sudden changes lol :'( And so instead of focusing on myself I start focusing on chasing him instead.. Basically I tried to be always there for him even when he doesn’t need me.. It was my biggest mistake ever 🙁 I wished I had realised everything earlier..the right way to deal with everything..
After we broke up.. we did went out once.. everything was doing well.. we were hanging out like we used to before.. before he leaves he told me we should go out again and gave me a hug. But I flunked everything up again because I was telling him we should get back together that very night.. You see? I should have give him more time. So girl trust me you know that pleading and trying to console him won’t help now right? 🙁 At least not for the second time.. I couldn’t believe it all too when e told me we should ‘let go’… but I know that, just like your ex.. when my ex bf told me that e’s hurting too.. I mean I bet tat they won’t just forget about everything and un-love us? I bet it took them lots of guts to say something like that to the one they loved..
And you know what’s the real purpose of NC? It’s not to let you completely giving up on the relationship, just take is as a time apart to think things clear for yourself and for him, for your relationship too. Take this time apart to do something for yourself, improve yourself, mature your thinking. He needs time to do the same thing too. And trust me, if you two every get back together, your relationship will be stronger than ever.
Stop worrying that he may choose to give everything up, or talk with every girls or stuffs like that.. because it’s not like we can control anything, right? Imagine if he did and you try and ask him not too and continue begging him.. it won’t make him want you.. he’ll only want to wiggle away further..
I’ve been doing NC for a month now. He did contacted me after about 2 weeks, he was busying with his exam so I did wished him good luck. He never blocked me on anywhere yet, and sometimes still tag me in photos.. I guess its a good sign because it mean he haven’t shut all his doors from me. I asked him out for a catchup btw. Planning really just to catch up with him. I mean hey.. I miss him. I miss his presence.. His smile.. But I don’t ever want to push him away again.. so at the moment I’ll just be me. I want to show him the better me.
I’m afraid of what may happen though.. sometimes I have the thought to just blah everything to him.. including telling him let’s try to work things out one more time.. But what if I flunked it up again? lol 🙁 I’m afraid as hell.. we were not talking now maybe he just agree to meetup because he wanna be polite or whatsover.. but you see the point here? We can just try to be our better self.. sad but true.. still NC is needed to have some space for both of you to ‘heal’ and if we ever get back together with them it’s gonna be a new and better relationship, our old one is dead..
I may not give you the best advice.. but I just want you to know that I am going through the same pain 🙁 So if you need someone to talk to or give some suggestion, just leave me your email alright . I’ll hear you out! I know it sucks to go through this alone especailly is there’s no one that really understands around 🙁
Thank you moonbunny… Yes, it’s pretty tough… I can’t stop thinking of him. Everyone is saying “Just forget him already! You’re too young to be feeling like this, you’ll find loads of other guys in your life.” Better said than done…
I can’t forget the times we went through together. I mean, no one around me is telling things that could help me. I repeat, I don’t want to move on! Sure, I need to improve myself. I need to work on the things that may have ruined our relationship. But… I wish he would call me right now and ask me for forgiveness, and saying he loves me truly and that he needs me and he was wrong. But he won’t. It’s no use checking my phone or my facebook constantly…
Even if he did, and even if I got back to him right away, what if he does the same to me again in the future? I want him back, I do really want him, but I want him to stay permanently and never hurt me like this again. Imagine we get back together, and that we get married in the future and have children and he just snaps out of nowhere and says “I don’t love you anymore, I’m leaving.” See, I don’t want this to happen anymore. I want to solve this and build a strong relationship with him.
But starting over won’t depend solely on me… He’s not willing to meet me in person, for now. Not even as a friend. He simply ignored all I said before starting NC.
How was it like when your bf first contacted you after NC? I mean, how was he talking? How was he looking at you, what were his reactions? I need hope. I cannot lose my boyfriend and best friend. :'(
‘Being able to walk away creates attention’
That was what I’ve always kept in mind. The first two weeks of NC I was feeling like sh*t.. I miss him badly I cried myself to sleep every night I prayed hard every night. But I know I CANNOT initiate contact and I WILL NOT show any signs of me missing him this bad.. Avoid logging on to social media if that helps. Make him feel like you’ve really got over him when you’re just ‘kinda got over him’. Yes I’m feeling exactly like you before.. I was thinking ‘why can’t we just try to make this work again?’ , ‘is there anything worst than losing me?’ , ‘maybe if we try we can make things work..’ I wrote tons of long ass mgs.. which I didn’t send to him at last.. but it helps me to start to take control of my emotion.
You see the reason that our relationship will fall apart, is because there is something really wrong. But we’re humans we make mistake and love don’t come with instructions. And hey don’t lose hope just yet, during the first week of NC, I could feel that my ex bf didn’t even know I exist anymore, it hurts like hell. And I’m too broken to get up and do things.. and so I allow myself to ‘grieve’ I cried my heart out, hear sad songs , look at our old photos and just.. endure the pain. Yes believe me this actually works.. not to make me miss him any lesser lol.. but after some period of time you would feel bettter, you will suddenly realised that you are the one responsible for your own happiness.
Give him time. It take about two weeks for my ex bf to start approaching me. He needs to enjoy his alone time for awhile, which he haven’t been feeling since you two have been together. Guys needs their own space more than us girls. I believe any guy out there would agree. And so after that ONLY HE WILL start to think about you, about both of you. Your beautiful memories. And even if he misses you, he MAY OR MAY NOT say it. You know how important a guy’s pride is to them right? And it’s a difffrent story before and after the breakup.
Now it’s okay to allow yourself to grieve.. so you can move to the next step : picking up your pieces. Although it may feel like it will last forever.. but it won’t, trust me. I’ve been through that sh*t ;( And it only happens one week ago right? It’s too fast for a meetup.. even if he agrees and you guys meetup and you got back together… it’s still the same old relationship.. and maybe it would end up the same. Please readd through Kevin’s guide again if you haven’t really.
Tyring to talk him back it’s not gonna work. Just like when it first started.. did he talk you into falling in love with him? No right. Actions, your inner beauty and your personality is what attracts him. And for what you’ve said you’re afraid that will happen.. You know what they say ‘ Be a women that attracts a man, not attracted to a man’. And be that it mean you’re gonna have to start living for yourself, and start striving for the better you. Love is worth fighting for. I feel that they say we are too young in love is because we lack of experience, but through this progress I realise what they meant by ‘experience’. There isn’t the right time to be in love, it’s just a matter of, if both of you are doing it right.
Btw he just asked me how’s everything going, and I replied him politely. Talked to be about his exams and stuffs, wished him good luck. Just stuffs like that, nothing too personal. There is still hope my friend. Don’t lose all hope here! Hope my advice helps
I still have pics of him in my phone. Of us together. I didn’t delete them. I didn’t put the stuff he gave me in a bag and pretend I don’t have them anymore. His gifts are still in my room. And once in a while I look at those pics. And I think “You’re so handsome… Look at us… Why did you leave me?” and I start crying.
I really hope he remembers the long trips and walks we had together. I hope he imagines me walking by his side and holding my hand while passing through the places we went together. Like you, I have been praying as well and I haven’t slept so well.
I hope he’s looking at the drawings I gave him and he’s using the perfumes I gave him and he’s writing with the metal pen with his name engraved in it. But I can’t be the needy girl he knew anymore. I have to be the woman that’s gonna make him drop to his knees and beg for me to come back to him. But is that ever gonna happen?
I remember him saying “You’re so different. The things you’re into… It’s so hard to find a girl like you.” I never said anything about that. But will that make him come back to me?
I have so many questions… Not about how I feel. It’s about how he’s feeling. But if he’s not over me yet and still loves me, like the email series is telling me, then why didn’t he say anything to me yet? Does he simply need time? How much time does he need? 🙁
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